Chapter 4
Remus almost didn’t see the other Gryffindors for the rest of the semester, and when he did meet James or Peter, it was back to awkward small talk. Maybe Sirius saw him with Barty and Evan at the party and told them. He did see a bit of Lily but was too tired to interrogate her about Pandora. He only saw Sirius shortly at the station the last day. Of course, Barty had to kiss him on the cheek, because his father was watching, so he didn’t get to see him properly for the last time.
He didn’t know why he wanted to see him. Or he did but he didn’t like to think about it too much. It always made his head hurt.
It’s been three weeks of summer vacation and Remus spent the days reading or smoking with some of the older boys. He felt like he was going insane. Ever since his breakdown the world felt unreal. Like it was all fake. It was horrifying. Every time he would look in the mirror a monster would look back at him, and every time one of the other boys spoke to him, it felt like they spoke a different language.
So, when James had sent him a letter talking about how the weather was perfect for quidditch and how he was helping his dad with a muggle car, Remus couldn’t help himself. He wrote him back.
“Dear James,
I’m glad you're doing well and that the weather is perfect. I’m not doing great myself. The full is coming up and I feel like this will be a tough one.
Everything feels surreal, and I fear I am losing a part of me every day.
Maybe it’s all in my head but every time I look in the mirror something else is looking back.
I don’t know why I’m telling you this, I am truly sorry if I’m worrying you, but I fear I will lose myself.
I don’t know what’s real anymore.
Love, Remus
PS, please don’t tell Peter I wrote you back. I haven’t written to anyone.”
He didn’t know what he was doing, he knew James would worry. But it was too late. The letter was already gone.
Remus probably smoked two packs that day.
-
Two days had passed, the moon was today, and he hadn’t heard back from James yet. A part of him was relived but another part just felt numb. James hadn’t received it or worse, he didn’t care.
Remus was about to go out for another smoke but when one of the younger boys came into his room looking scared, “Lupin, someone is asking for you.”
“Tell them to sod off.” Remus was not in the mood for people at the moment.
“He says he’s from school?” The boy continued.
“What?”
“He says he’s from your school.” He said it again this time a little louder.
With a sigh he rose from his bed and walked down the stairs to the main entrance.
He stopped his walk when he saw the darkhaired boy, “…James?”
“Moony, you look terrible!” He said while rushing over to him. He grabbed his shoulders and pulled him in to an awkward one-sided hug. The unreal feeling came back but only for a second. When he realized James was actually here, he finally hugged him back. He didn’t care that some of the other boys were looking, he needed this.
“Let’s step outside yeah?”
Remus nodded as James took his hand and let him outside. He could hear the other whisper about them, or probably him but he didn’t care at the very moment.
“What happened, Moony?” He sounded afraid. Afraid of the answer and afraid to say the wrong things.
“I- I don’t know… ever since I broke down at the party,”
James cut him off, “You broke down? At what party?”
“Uh, the last one. You went to bed, or I rather put you to bed and then I don’t know what happened I just blacked out.” Remus spoke, he didn’t recognize himself, but when James looked at him, with everything but pity, he continued, “It wasn’t the alcohol though. I don’t remember much but Regulus told me that I was like a ghost and then I broke down.” Tears were pricking in his eyes, and he was lucky that they were far enough away because the other boys would have never let him live if they saw all these emotions.
“Why didn’t you tell us any of this? Why didn’t you tell me?” He didn’t sound angry, or hurt for that matter, he just looked like it hurt him that one of his friends were in that much pain.
“I just didn’t know how to explain it. I know I sound crazy, but I think it has been there for a while… ever since he told him.” Remus hoped he knew what he was talking about, because he didn’t think he had the strength in him to elaborate.
“Oh Remus…” James said, pulling him in again. “If you want to, you can spend the rest of the summer at my house,”
“James I can’t do that, it's too much.”
He hesitated a little, “It’s not too much and I’m not done… Sirius is there too.”
“What, why?” He replied fast.
“His parents, uh, they kicked him out. For real this time.” James wasn’t looking at him anymore.
Remus felt numb, he didn’t know what to think or to feel sad for Sirius. He knew how terrible they treated the Black brothers; he also knew how much Sirius sacrificed for Regulus. Regulus had told him about all the times Sirius had taken the punches for his mistakes, and how he didn’t know how to make it up for him.
Some part of Remus didn’t want to care, the part that wanted to hate Sirius forever, the part that wanted to see him hurt. But all he did was pray for him to be alright.
He needed Sirius to be alright.
“Remus, I know you're mad at him, and you have every right to be, but you can’t stay here.” James was looking like he didn’t know how to use the right words again, how he almost expected him to get mad or yell. He didn’t, so James continued, “You don’t even have to talk to him, just please consider it. Please Remus.”
“Prongs it’s not just him. It’s a full moon tonight. Your parents they- they can’t just have a bloody werewolf in their house! It’s not safe.”
“About that…” He trailed off and Remus already got worried.
“What?” When he didn’t respond he got even more worried. “James, what did you do?”
“I might have built a soundproof basement in fourth year for if you ever came over in the summers?” He was grinning the same smile for when the teachers caught them doing some prank. Remus couldn’t believe him. He was definitely dreaming. “Moony?” He poked him on his chest and Remus hit him. Okay not dreaming.
“Are you mad?!” ‘Evans called me a madman before so’ he muttered, “James what the fuck is wrong with you?”
“What?!” he sounded offended but there was a little smirk forming in the corner of his mouth. “Remus you're one of my best mates! You’ve told me how they treat you during the full moons. Of course, I made one.” Remus just gaped at him, “Don’t look at me like that.”
“Even if I said yes, how would we even get to your place in time?”
“Oh, mum is here too, we took a portkey. I told her I should probably talk to you first, so you wouldn’t freak out. Should I get her? She’s probably around somewhere. Mum!”
Remus just stared at him. Merlin what has his life become? When he looked up, he saw the familiar woman with beautiful dark curls, “Hi Remus! It’s so lovely to see you again, I didn’t quite catch you on the train station. You look unwell sweetheart, did James tell you, you're welcome at any time?”
Of course, James would pull out the mother card. He knows Remus always had difficulties to say no to his mother. “I uh, hi, he did. But it’s too much, I can’t take it.”
“Nonsenses dear. You shouldn’t be at a muggle place when the moon comes in.” She smiled sweetly at him. Remus felt sick. He just glared at James hoping he would make his suffering end.
“Let’s get your stuff and you can come home and relax a bit, yes?” She was looking at him, or maybe through him, with so much kindness Remus didn’t even regret nodding his head.