Fight For Me

Lily Evans has known Remus Lupin since they were four, nearly five. They went through kindergarten, elementary school and all the way to high school as best friends. They were there for each other when the days were hard, when Lily was dealing with the loss of her first ever friend. Lily was there for Remus when he was going through his sexuality crisis and he for her. They were insepreable. Lily knew Remus inside and out.

That being said, she never really took him for a massive fucking idiot.

Anyone with eyes could see just how much Remus loved Sirius. He'd find a way to bring the dinosaurs back if Sirius so much as mentioned wanting to see one. And Sirius was much the same. On several occasions, Sirius has, quite literally, dropped everything to help Remus. He'd burn the world for him. It was the way they absentmindedly gravitated towards each other. It was the small touches, the constant glances, the secret smiles. It was a story book fairy tale; the moon and the stars, forever destined for one another.

Remus and Sirius were so disgustingly in love it made Lily want to vomit sometimes. They were so head over heels that a few years away for school wouldn't even stand a chance.

It'd even be good for them, Lily thought. It'd help train them for if - well, not if but when, because she’ll be damned if Sirius wasn’t a damn good actor - Sirius get's any roles in the future. It'd help them realize they can't always be at each other's side and times will be hard. It'll teach them, most importantly, their love will not be stopped by something as small as a few hundred kilometers.

Remus, however, doesn't at all agree, very adamantly avoiding Sirius whenever he can. It's painful, honestly, watching Remus make excuses every time Sirius suggests they hang out after school or go on a date. It's horrible to watch Sirius' expression go from understanding and accepting, to confused, hurt and sad. It's heart-wrenching to watch them grow more and more frazzled by the day, practically pulling their hair out while they stare at Remus, trying so desperately to puzzle out what they might've done wrong.

Lily might be the only person who knows why Remus is avoiding Sirius but that doesn't mean she's the only one who’s noticed. Peter pulled her aside the one day and asked what had happened(Lily didn't tell him, though, she could never betray Remus' trust like that) and she's sure he relayed any information he got over to Mary. James had gone directly to the source, gently trying to coax Remus into answering his questions but not pushing. Marlene has done her best to distract Sirius, going over lines and taking her out to their favourite spots. Even Regulus - whom Sirius has come to a relectant, fragile truce with - has shown some level of caring, watching his sister and Remus interact with narrowed eyes.

They were just so stupid- Sirius and Remus. She's never seen people who belong with one another more than they do. And they have each other but, for whatever reason, Remus is refusing to believe that it'll stay that way. They're both so fucking lucky, it pains her that they don't realize it.

For example, they could be her. Lily Evans, falling for someone she couldn't have.

Remus and Sirius were like Lily and Mary, but in a different font, written by different people with different writing utensils and in different colours. Remus and Lily had similiar personalities, they were all so painfully gay, and they had the whole 'falling for my best friend but choosing to do nothing about it, lest we ruin our friendship' going for them. Only, Remus and Sirius were actually perfect for each other. For Lily...well, someone as beautiful, smart and talented as Mary could never love someone like Lily.

Lily's not afraid to say it; she's had problems with her self-image. It has taken her a lot of work to get to the level of confidence she has today. She's grown to appreciate her stomach rolls and her thighs that touch. She may not look like every hot girl in her grade but that was fine. Each person, each body, was different. Each with their own unique qualities, each deserving of as much love as the last. Well, that's how she feels now. Before, she would curse her stretch marks, hide herself behind baggy clothing. She would turn down offers sent by the Potters when they asked her if she wished to use their swimming pool in the summer months. She tried every diet, every exercise plan in order to reach the body everyone was 'supposed to have’. She covered mirrors when they didn't work and cowered in the dark shadows of her room, desperate to escape the body she hated. At one point, Lily had thought of starving herself, of making herself vomit after every meal, of taking a blade to the parts she despised. She almost did, too.

Her father was the only reason she didn't. Lily had been fourteen when Elijah Evans died. An overdose on his wife's anxiety medication. Lily doesn't know why he did it. She suspected her mother did, but she never bothered to explain it to her or Tuney and Elijah hadn't left a note. All Lily knows was the absolute devestation that followed. Iris hasn't been the same since, drifting around the house with a blank look. She didn't really speak, she didn't care what Lily or Petunia did. She was a ghost on auto-pilot. She got up, she ate, she worked, she came home, she slept. At the same time, every day.

Petunia...Petunia grew distant. Lily and Tuney had still been siblings before, of course. They fought over the simplest of things but made up a few ours later without even an apology. But after...Petunia became downright awful. She was mean, insulting the smallest things about Lily she saw. Her body, her style, the things she cooked, the way she cleaned. Petunia hated her and Lily didn't even have the faintest idea why.

And, as for Lily...she was confused. So, so confused. Why? What did the afterlife have that this life didn't? It had Iris, Petunia and it had her. If life had been shit, wasn't that enough? Was she not enough? And she was sad. So very sad. Her life became...empty. The space her father had once occupied was ever present and terribly obvious. Lily had cried a lot in the first year following her dad's death- she still does, often. She couldn't bare to imagine what those who loved her would go through following herdeath, or the dissapointment she'd face for the lows she sank to.

She wouldn't do that. Couldn't do that.

So, she got better. She joined groups with people struggling like she was, she talked to people, she found the root of her issues and worked through them. She improved and now she loved herself as much as she loved any of her friends.

But still, old habits die hard. Lily found herself blaming her body for how nothing would and could never happen between her and Mary.

She would watch, she would observe and admire. But she would never have because someone like Mary Macdonald could never love someone like Lily Evans.

"Hey, Red, can I talk to you?" Sirius asked as he walked up to her before rehersal one day, dragging her aside from the rest of the group.

"Yeah. What do you need?"

Sirius glanced over at Remus, a sad shine glistening in their eye. "Do you know what's up with Remus?"

Lily felt her heart pang. But before she could say anything, Sirius was speaking again.

"I think- I think he's going to break up with me," A tear slipped from her eye, quickly followed by more as she struggled with the words that tasted like acid. "He keeps blowing me off and we haven't really had a real conversation in a while. God only knows how long it's been since we kissed last. And, Lils, I don't know what I did. I- I love him so fucking much. I haven't told him yet but now it feels like he doesn't want to hear it. I don't know why. I don't know what I did wrong. I was hoping you knew."

Lily surged forward, dragging Sirius into her arms. She rested her chin on his shoulder, her own tears slipping out and sliding down the fabric of his ever-present leather jacket. "I wish I could tell you but it's not my place. But I will say it has nothing to do with anything you've done, darling."

Sirius sobbed. "What am I supposed to do?"

"Talk to him." Lily whispered.

"No," they cried. Lily blinked in surprise. "I wouldn't be able to handle it if he broke up with me. It would destory me, Red. I can't do it, I won't."

"Sirius, he won't-"

"I don't care," she insisted. "I'm not risking it."

Lily sighed. "Okay, Sirius. Okay."

Rehearsals were filled with Candy Store vocals and Lily could only admire how well Sirius, Marlene and Barty’s voices harmonized, even if Sirius got distracted every time they took a pause. Remus deliberately stuck around some of the other ensemble members(Sybill Trelawney and Cerci Greengrass) so he’d never get stuck alone with Sirius.

“Evans, Lupin.” Regulus said, suddenly appearing before the two of them as they were heading out of the drama room.

Remus jumped. “Jesus Black. What’s wrong with you?”

“There isn’t enough time in the world to go over all that.”

Lily smiled. “Hello, Regulus. What’s can we do for you?”

Regulus opened and closed his mouth again, brows furrowed in frustration as he tried to find the words. “My house is empty.”

Remus raised an eyebrow. “Yes?”

“He’s trying to ask you over.” Pandora supplied helpfully, dropping her arm around his shoulder and ruffling his hair playfully.

Lily blinked and exchanged a confused glance with Remus. Yes, Regulus has...warmed up to a few of them(Peter and Mary, among Lily and Remus. Not James, though. Regulus hated James, for whatever reason), at least a little bit. They're friends...ish. Acquaintences. Definetly not visit-my-house friends.

"Why?" Remus asked bluntly.

Regulus crossed his arms with a huff. "Because Minnie's forcing me to make friends and you two are, by far, the least annoying."

Lily raised an eyebrow. "How are you not dead yet? Not even Sirius or James can call McGonagall anything other then that and they're practically best friends with how often they're in detention."

Regulus sent her a smug smirk. "I have my ways."

"Yeah, I'm free," Remus said, shrugging. "Wouldn't want to let McGonagall down." Lily hummed in agreement.

"Great!" Barty said, popping up beside her, dragging Evan by the hand. Dorcas was behind them both, rolling her eyes. "You two need a ride?"

Lily eyed him warily. "Are you drunk?"

Barty grinned. "Not yet."

Dorcas raised his hand, keys swinging around her finger. "And I'm driving."

"Then we'll accept your offer." Remus said.

"Remind me why I agreed to this?" Remus asked roughly around an hour later when he was covered in flour and had chunks of cookie dough stuck in his hair. Loud metal music was screaming through Regulus' large speakers(Pandora's choice, which Lily had not at all been expecting) while Regulus chased Barty around after he stole Regulus' phone. Evan and Dorcas had dragged chairs over from the massive fucking dining room to sit at the island even though they could barely see over the counter top(why the fuck did Regulus not have barstools?). The two of them chatted between themselves, sometimes chiming in to the conversation between Lily, Remus and Pandora, completely unbothered by Barty's manic cackle and Regulus' distant shrieks. Remus, Pandora and Lily had taken up baking cookies to pass the time - chocolate chip because they're superior and if you don't like them, you're lying - which had turned into a complete disaster once Barty had ran through, thrown flour at Regulus and left.

"Because it was a spectacular idea and we all deserve a little fun." Pandora said cheerily, despite the egg on her sweater, a sage green cardigan that was much too long for her and was probably Xenophilius'.

"Because we didn't want to upset Minerva," Lily corrected. "But yes, this has been fun, despite my better judgement."

"Those cookies better be fucking phenomenal or I swear to god, I'm making the next batch out of Crouch." Remus grumbled under his breath.

Pandora laughed. "Yeah, I see why Regulus likes you."

Speaking of whom, Regulus dragged himself into the kitchen, phone in hand, panting heavily. He snatched the nearest water bottle off the counter - Barty's - and took a giant gulp from it, only to spit it out a second later and burst into a coughing fit. "That's not water."

Dorcas slapped him on the back. "It's Barty, what do you expect?"

He glared at her. “It’s a water bottle. Obviously, I was expecting water.”

“I’m pretty sure that instead of being 60% water, Barty’s 60% alcohol.” Evan mused with a snort.

Barty sauntered into the room, smirking as he draped himself over the back of Evan’s chair, burying his face in Evan’s neck and wrapping his arms around his shoulders. “You love me for it.”

Evan rolled his eyes with a fond smile, hand dipping into Barty’s sweaty curls.

Regulus took the glass of water Pandora pressed into his hand gratefully, downing it all in the matter of a few gulps.

Then, Lily’s phone buzzed with the timer for the cookies. Remus instantly hopped up, only to be shoo’d away by Regulus, who had since caught his breath. Remus reluctantly leaned back against the counter as Regulus slipped on an oven mitt and pulled the cookies out. The aroma was suffocating and Lily’s mouth began to water, the sweet, irresistible smell of childhood nostalgia from before her father’s death.

It seems not only Lily was affected by the smell as Barty reached around Regulus, face eager as he tried to grab a cookie, only to be slapped away.

“Whyyyyyyyyyy?” Barty whined. “They’re the best when they’re hot.”

“Don’t be an idiot, Bartemius-“

“Impossible.” Dorcas grumbled under her breath and Pandora burst out into giggles.

“If you tried to eat one now, you’d burn your mouth and it would practically disintegrate in your hands,” Regulus continued. “And unless you want to look like you just painted a mural with shit, you can wait.”

Barty grumbled something unintelligible under his breath, crossing his arms. But the moment Evan grabbed his hand and tugged Barty into his lap, he melted.

“See, this is why you lost the bet.” Barty mumbled into his shoulder, despite burrowing himself deeper into Evan’s embrace.

Lily didn’t even bother to try and find out what bet they were talking about. She knew from her own friend group that sometimes, it was better to just let it be. Otherwise, you might find out something rather…unpleasant.

Speaking of bets, James has still yet to crack. Now that they had dipped into October, it was only Remus and Frank still left in the running. Though, Frank’s deadline was coming up quick. Lily found great pleasure in watching Frank struggle to get James to admit his career path, as it was him laughing at her only a few weeks ago.

Lily and Remus exchanged a glance, thinking of the same thing.

Lily raised an eyebrow. Worried, Lupin? Your deadline is coming soon.

Remus smirked and gave a small shake of his head. With all you hounding him? Nah. He’s sure to break soon.

Lily shrugged. He hasn’t for any of us. What makes you think you’re any different?

The longer he goes without telling anyone, the more tempted he’ll be to spill.

Whatever you say.

Eventually, Regulus dished out the cookies and poured tall glasses of milk for those who wanted it. Lily barely gave herself the time to dip her cookie before it was in her mouth, the delicious taste of warm winter childhood Sundays melting on her tongue.

“So? What’s the verdict?” Dorcas asked Remus, who was leaning against the counter with his eyes closed and a blissful expression.

He peeked an eye open. “Barty can live another day.”

Barty blinked while Regulus pouted in faux disappointment. “What now?”

Evan chuckled. “Nothing to worry about, B.”

“Lupin,” Regulus said suddenly, in a tone much colder than before. Lily sat up, worry tickling her spine. Remus raised an eyebrow, meeting Regulus’ gaze with blatant disinterested. “What’s up with you and my brother?”

That, however, shattered Remus’ demeanour with the ease of a knife through butter. Remus crossed his arms, looked away with the smallest of flinches.

Regulus narrowed his eyes. “If you hurt them, no one will be able to recognize your body. And you’re already off to a bad start.”

Barty snorted. “If they find it.”

“It’s none of your business, Regulus.” Remus said through gritted teeth.

“Do you think I care? This is my sister we’re talking about.”

“It’s not murder worthy,” Lily interrupted before Remus could reply. “He’s being an idiot.”

Remus glared at her.

Regulus paused, raising an eyebrow. “You know?”

“I do,” she hummed. “And I will not be telling you. This is something they need to work out themselves.”

Regulus stared at her for a few moments before grumbling French expletives under his breath, only stopping when Pandora rested a hand on his shoulder with a small shake of her head.

The air was thick with tension, weaving between each person like a looming aura. Pandora began twirling her hair around her fingers in the silence and Barty was picking boredly his nails. Lily shifted, eyes flicking back and forth between Dorcas, Evan, Remus and Regulus, who were all either unaffected by the crawling awkwardness or were pretending to be.

Remus grabbed another cookie off the tray. “Well, thanks for having me, but I’m leaving.”

Regulus nodded curtly. “That’s probably best.”

Lily grabbed her things off the dining table, nodded her thanks to Regulus and followed Remus out the door.

They didn’t live too far from Grimmauld Place and decided to walk.

Remus sighed after ten minutes of pure silence. “What is it?”

“Just talk to him, Rem,” Lily said gently.

He rolled his eyes. “No. I told you this already. I don’t want to loose them.”

Lily’s eyes hardened. “Rem, this is getting ridiculous. Can’t you see by not talking to her, you’re already loosing her?”

Remus’ jaw clenched.

“Just talk to him. I have never seen a pair more compatible than you and Sirius. He will support you. It would take God herself to keep you two apart. Or, if you’re not careful, your stupidity,” Lily said. She strayed from the sidewalk, taking the path up to her front door. Before she went in, she paused, glancing back at where Remus stood, hands in his pockets and frown on his face. “Call me if you need me.”

He nodded, eyes far away as he walked to his own house.

Lily sighed as she slipped inside, the smell of pasta wafting up her nose. Leaving her shoes at the door, she trudged into the kitchen and found her sister already there. Petunia was hunched over the countertop, picking at a half-full plate while watching something on her phone.

Lily peeked around at the counter, noting the empty pan that Tuney had obviously used to make dinner, as it was her night to cook for the three of them. Lily checked the microwave, the oven and even the fridge for a container, only to frown when she came up empty handed at every turn.

“Hey, Tuney?” Lily asked.

Petunia rolled her eyes and reluctantly paused her video. “What?”

“Where’s the rest of dinner?”

“I ate it.”

Lily blinked. “What do you mean ‘you ate it’?”

Petunia met her gaze with annoyance as she pointedly stabbed a penne noodle, brought it to her mouth and chewed. When she swallowed, she said, “Like that.”

“But why? Did you not make enough?”

Petunia glared. “Because you weren’t here. I didn’t think you would be, so I ate it. Call next time you’re going to be late.”

Lily tried not to feel the sting, remembering all the times Petunia had been hours late instead of twenty minutes, out with Vernon or other friends without a call or text. She tried not to think about how she’d stayed awake, worrying until Petunia walked through the door. She tried to ignore the plates she made before she served herself, keeping them in the microwave for easy reheating for when Petunia inevitably returned. It’s fine. She can make herself a sandwich or something. She should have called. She will call, next time.

Petunia decided their conversation was over, taking her plate and moving to the dining room, leaving Lily alone in the kitchen with a pile of dirty dishes.

She let her bag fall to the floor as she sighed. Lily rolled up her sleeves as she went to work.

It was fine. It was fine. Everything was fine.