Fight For Me

To say Sirius is worried would be an understatement. 

He doesn't understand. Lily said he didn't do anything to upset Remus but he must've. There's no way he hasn't. Remus has never, ever been like this, so whatever has happened must be horrible and if only Sirius knew what, he'd be able to fix it. Or at least try to and that has to count for something, right? 

Remus avoids Sirius whenever he can and is constantly blowing off Sirius' attempts to set up dates. Remus has always been the type of person to practically strangle his partner's hand when their palms curl around one another, as if the slightest breeze would tear Sirius from his arms but now, his fingers hang so loosely it could barely be called a grasp at all. Much similar, Remus is the type of person who kisses like every time will be his last, even if it was just a passing peck as they separated after lunch. He swept Sirius right up in it, had the feeling of his lips linger in their mind for hours, or until he burned the memory anew with another mind-blowing kiss. Now...his kiss his fleeting, his heart just not in it and Sirius aches, body alight with endless, pounding longing for someone who isn't even gone. 

At least, not yet. 

"Sirius?" Peter asked, the two of them sat in a corner of the library during their mutual spare. Peter was working on his tech class homework while Sirius was supposed to be working on her English essay but, well, she's mostly been staring at the stain on the wall from when someone through a Circle-K slushie at it. Side note: drinks were no longer allowed in the LLC. 

"Hm?" Sirius said, prying his eyes from the swatch of orange. Peter gave him a concerned look. "What?" 

"Are you alright?" 

Sirius tried to give him their best smile. "Of course, Petey. Why wouldn't I be?" 

Peter pointedly looked under the table where her leg was jumping, and then at the hand that was currently picking at her lips until it bled. 

It was perhaps pathetic how easily Sirius collapsed like a house of cards. His shoulders slumped. Sirius lowered his head to his hands, banging it against them until Peter set a hand in his curls to stop him. His breath hitched, chest heaving as small pools gathered in his eyes, slipping down his cheeks with every blink in small, glistening rivers. Pathetic, absolutely pitiful. Exactly as Mother used to say. 

"He's going to leave me." Sirius whispered. Not a question, not an inquiry. A statement, a fact. Firm, all believing, no room for doubt. Remus had finally realized that Sirius was unfit for him, a stain on his old, wool sweaters. A looming cloud as dark as their name suggests. A shadow casted over his brilliance. A Black through and through. 

"He's not going to leave you, Sirius." 

"He is." 

"He isn't, Sirius. You can't just assume." 

"How do you know?" Sirius demanded, glancing up to glare at Peter through blurred eyes. "Do you have any other explanation?" 

"I don't," Peter said simply. "I'm not Remus. I'm not a mind reader. The only way for you to know for sure is to talk to him." 

"No." Sirius said instantly. 

"Why not?" 

"If I bring attention to it, he'll most certainly get it over with and Pete- I won't be able to handle it. It'd break me." 

"Aren't you breaking now?" 

Sirius paused. "What?" 

"Aren't you breaking now?" Peter repeated. "Look at you, Sirius. You can't focus, you're more stressed than I've ever seen you, even before auditions. Tell me, how many times have you cried in this past week?" 

Sirius didn't answer.  

"That's what I thought. You're miserable. And would you rather be depressed and anxious, waiting for something that'll never come, knowing Remus, or would you rather be depressed and move ahead with the healing process?" 

"So you do think he's going to break up with me?" 

"That's not what I said. You don't see the way he looks at you when you aren't looking. He loves you more than words can describe. Now answer the question." 

"I...I guess I'd rather get it over with." 

Peter smiled. "So, talk to him." 

"Not now." 

"Obviously not now. He's in class and you sure as hell aren't doing this over text. Soon." 

"Soon." Sirius agreed. 

'Soon' turned out to be a lot sooner than Peter had probably been expecting. Sirius, after being pushed into the right - right? wrong? Who knows, it's better than wallowing in his sorrows and worries - direction, couldn't wait more than a few hours to just- get this shit show over with. 

"Walk with me." Sirius murmured into his ear as the group began to disperse after the final school bell, gently leading him away from the bus stop. 

"Can we go another time Sirius? I have to get dinner ready before my dad comes home-" Remus began. 

"Order in, then." 

"Sirius-" 

"This can't wait so just- please?" She glanced up at Remus meeting his uncertain gaze with her most pleading look. 

Remus let out a breath, running a hand through his hair. "Yeah, yeah. Okay, sure." 

Sirius mustered up a small smile and continued walking. 

They took the sidewalks out to the more residential areas of Godric's Hallow. Sirius kept his gaze on his feet, counting every step they took as they walked to a place they've visited thousands of times before. They passed people walking their dogs, students taking routes home, people bustling from work to home, from shops to restaurants. They passed person after person until they were alone under the increasingly cloudy sky. 

They arrived at a park. Or- the park. The one they grew up playing in, the one they've had countless group meet ups in. The one with endless grassy fields, a playground that they still fooled around on late at night, long after the children had gone to sleep. The one with a surprisingly clean reservoir, with sandy shores that disappeared when the tides rose. The one with a run-down, long since abandoned gazebo that Sirius and Remus worked hard to keep in good enough condition without looking inviting to other couples. The gazebo that most people didn't even know about, hidden by a wall of trees. The gazebo Remus and Sirius had claimed as their own. 

"So..." Remus said when Sirius finally let him go as they stepped under the roof. "What's this about?" 

"I don't know, you tell me." Sirius said, leaning against a post with their arms crossed. While they were worried and absolutely terrified of what the outcome of this conversation might be, an anger began to simmer under their skin, swishing around in his stomach, threating to ignite and torch the fragile wooden shelter they currently occupied. 

"I don't know what you're talking about." Remus said, despite the wince that suggested he very much did. 

"Bullshit. You've been avoiding me for weeks." 

"Ah. That." 

"Yes, that," Sirius scoffed. "Care to explain why? Inform me of what I did because I sure as hell can't pinpoint anything." 

Remus' eyes widened. "What you did? No, no, Sirius, you haven't done anything." 

"Then what the fuck?!" Sirius shouted, throwing her arms up. Remus hugged himself, fingers gripping the wool of his cardigan. "Is this it then? The end of us?" 

Remus' head snapped up, mouth dropped open as if Sirius would ever suggest such a thing. "Do- do you want it to be?" 

"Do you?" 

"What? No! No, you're...you're everything to me, why would you even think that?" 

"What was I supposed to think, Remus?!" Sirius cried out, eyes blurring for the second time that day. Just as his tears began to fall, the telltale pitter-patter of rain against the roof of the gazebo began to sound. The leaves of nearby trees shivered with the force of Sirius' despair. "You've been bunking off my calls, not responding to my texts, brushing me off, avoiding me at every possible moment. How was I not supposed to think this was the end?" 


"Sirius- I can't even begin to imagine my life without you in it which is why-" 

"Then act like it! You've been treating me like some friend who's so obviously flirting with you, not your boyfriend-
" 

"I never meant to-" 

"And do you know how much it hurts? I've been mourning a bridge that hasn't even burned-" 

"It hasn't! It won't! I'm still here-" 

"Then why doesn't it feel like it?! Why do I have to ask Peter, ask Lily, what the hell has been up with you? Why do you treat me like I can't take a hint?" 

"There wasn't a hint for you to take! Sirius-" 

"Why won't you communicate with me?" 

"You want me to communicate? Sirius, listen-"

"Why does it feel like you want me to leave?" 

"I love you!" 

Sirius snapped their mouth shut, blinking at Remus in surprise through tears. "What?" 

"I...I love you." Remus repeated, chest heaving under the weight of his confession. Three words neither of them has yet to say, until now. Three words that were everyone's end goal - from either friends, family or a partner -, three words that define 'happily ever after'. 

"You do?" Sirius whispered because, no. No, he couldn't. Sirius was- well Sirius. A good for nothing, rotten Black. How could he...? 

"I do," Remus took a step forward and gently took Sirius' hands in his own, thumb rubbing circles into the back of her palms. "I love you like the seas love the shores, like the plants love the rain, like the moon loves the stars. I love you so much I'd rip my heart out of my chest and give it to you if you so much as asked. I love you so much I'd kill for you." 

"Then...then what was this?" Sirius asked, waving a hand between the two of them. 

Remus heaved a heavy sigh. "I got into uni." 

Sirius raised an eyebrow. "You've been avoiding me because you got into university? I don't understand. Isn't that a good thing?" 

Remus cringed. "University in Ottawa." 

Oh. Oh. Oh no. "I didn't know you applied." 

"I didn't tell anyone. Didn't think I'd get in and didn't want to get anyone's hopes up," Remus said honestly. "And I know you've been thinking about Julliard..."

"How...how far is it?" 

"Seven-hundred-fifteen kilometers." 

Sirius brought Remus in closer and buried her head in his chest. Remus responded instantly, arms wound around tight enough to make up for all the less-than adequate hand-holding. His chin rested atop Sirius' head, lips pressed into his hair. "I know. I know." 

"I'm sorry," Sirius sniffed. "I'm so proud of you, this is such a big accomplishment and I'm crying-" 

"Don't. Don't do that," Remus said, pulling back enough to cup his cheeks. "It's...terrifying. If it makes you feel better, when I found out, I immediately got hammered." 

Sirius tilted his head. "After the cast list was posted?" 

Remus nodded. "I meant it when I said I couldn't imagine my life without you. I was scared that us being so far apart would mean the end of us but...well, I went about the whole situation wrong. Lily was right. I should've just told you." 

Sirius smiled. "Remus, listen to me. I love you. I love you more than life itself. You are my everything. You can tell me anything, okay? And, we can get through this, right? So many people do. We can do long distance." 

"With a visit schedule?" Remus asked softly. 

"Of course." 

Remus hugged him tight again. "I love you." 

"I love you, too."