James
And you know damn well
For you, I would ruin myself
A million little times
Sunday, September 1st 1989
The quay was brimming with people even at that hour. As they made their way back to the same harbour where they had sailed from, the morning before, James could barely recognise it. Groups of people of all ages filled the avenue, their voices converging in loud clatter, and there was a man singing with his guitar somewhere, his music amplified and resonating through the crowd. The trio had to signal to decide which establishment to enter, and they settled on a more secluded pub behind the main street.
Even so, they could barely talk at a comfortable volume, having to essentially scream into each other’s ears. Remus and Sirius didn’t seem to mind much, the two perfectly content with their renewed proximity, but James only stared at the bottom of his glass. His mind kept replaying the events of the last two days: meeting Harry, reuniting with Lily, chasing her into an argument, realising the truth of Harry’s parentage, the boy actually outraging over it himself. How could the others be so calm about it? Had Sirius not realised that it could potentially involve him, too?
He sipped as his thoughts ran deeper and deeper, and soon the alcohol had overtaken them. The low lights didn’t help him think straight at all, and he eventually gave up on mulling over all of it. Sirius made sure their glasses were always full, though the trio continuously did their best to reverse it.
"I love you!" James shouted at some point, throwing himself at his two friends.
Sirius and Remus, thankfully, were in the same intoxicated state as him. "We love you", they cried back.
"No, I’m serious", he insisted. "I love you guys so much. And I’ve missed you idiots."
"Stop, stop", Sirius protested. "There has already been too much crying this weekend!"
James ignored him. "But it’s true! Look, I… I’m sorry I didn’t reach out more these past years. I shouldn’t have let us grow this apart."
"It’s not your fault, Prongs", Sirius replied. "We also made ourselves scarce."
"Still", he shook his head, "you two are my best friends in the entire world. Nothing could ever change that. Not even eleven years."
He knew it was the liquor dragging it out of him, but it was the truth. James had made friends in adulthood, of course, but who could ever compare? No one knew him like Sirius and Remus did. They had been boys together, they had known him before he even knew himself. They had helped shape him into the man he was now. They still lived in him, even after a decade apart, and he knew they always would.
Sirius’ eyes were filled with tears, but Remus was red in the face. He almost seemed about to explode.
"Moony? You okay?"
Remus’ made the same face he’d had on the boat, on Friday morning. James’ eyes widened as he understood what it meant, and he dragged his friend out of the pub just in time. Remus vomited right outside, where a few people who were smoking rushed away. Sirius caught up to them then, hurrying to Remus’ side and stroking his hair.
James felt his head even heavier in the fresh air and moonlight, but he and Sirius managed to move Remus to a nearby bench. There were still too many passersby for them to vanish the puddle away or to even conjure a glass of water, so he went back inside to buy a bottle for Remus and ask for a mop.
His sight was blurry as he cleaned, but he was still able to do a decent enough job. He stumbled back to his friends and collapsed next to them.
Remus already looked better, though he still wouldn’t meet James in the eye. James thought back to what Harry had said earlier in his tent. He decided to make the first move.
"Moony?" he called.
"Yeah?"
"You know you can tell me anything, right?"
Remus turned pale, and James thought he might be sick again. Instead, he swallowed, wiping the sweat from his forehead. "I know, James", he said quietly.
"Right", he nodded. "Just wanted to let you know."
They sat in silence, watching the harbour. James didn’t have the time on him, but he suspected it must have been quite late, for everything had quieted down considerably. The musician with the guitar had gone home already, and only a few people scattered on the quayside.
"Did Lily tell you?" Remus asked suddenly.
He turned. "Tell me what?"
Remus would not look at him directly. "About her and me."
James’ heart raced as he prepared himself to whatever he was about to hear. He had thought of the worst case scenarios, though he was still not ready to deal with them. "What about you and her?"
He noticed Sirius had reached Remus’ hand and was squeezing it tightly.
"Lily and I slept together", Remus finally said. "Eleven years ago, the night you two had broken up."
There it was. The revelation he had most feared. His worst nightmare back to haunt him.
James’ mind was blank. He couldn’t seem to form any thought — not of hurt, rage or betrayal. He simply heard the echo of Remus’ words, repeated endlessly, still not within his grasp.
Had he known, deep down somehow, this entire time? What else would explain how little he was feeling now? Maybe it was the alcohol numbing his senses, or maybe he just did not care that much about it. After all, almost the exact same thing had happened with Sirius, and he had forgiven him. So he knew he had to forgive Remus, too, right?
But a new thought was forming in his brain now. It wasn’t his forgiveness to grant. It was his punishment to endure. He had broken up with Lily back then, he had brought this onto himself. He should have known. If he hadn’t ended things with her, if he hadn’t been so horrible doing it, none of this would have happened.
"James?" Remus called him. "Please say something."
He opened his mouth, but no word came out.
"James?"
"I…" he mumbled incoherently.
"I’m so sorry", Remus blurted. "I meant to tell you then, I did, but then Lily didn’t come back from winter break, and I thought you’d be even angrier at me, and I was scared, but I should have anyway, but then time passed and it felt even more embarrassing to admit, and then you started to seem like you were moving on, so I didn’t want to reopen your wounds, and we were so close to graduating, and I…"
"Moony", Sirius muttered.
Remus sighed. "I’m sorry, James. I understand if… if you hate me."
James frowned. "Hate you?" he finally said.
"Yes", Remus breathed. "You must hate me. It was despicable."
James shook his head vehemently. "I don’t hate you, Remus. I would never hate you, especially not for something like this."
"But you should! You should be furious!"
"Well, I’m not! And I won’t get mad over something that happened eleven years ago!"
Remus caved and cupped his face as he began sobbing uncontrollably. Sirius embraced him, trying to comfort the man, while James watched in shock. He had rarely seen Remus so vulnerable — he’d probably only seen him cry once or twice, and they had been kids then.
"Moony", he said softly. "We all make mistakes, it’s fine."
"Not quite like this one", he replied.
James looked at Sirius for help, but he was just as lost. So they said nothing, hoping they could comfort Remus with hopeless taps on his back. It had been a long day, and their heads were heavy with the drinking.
"We should go back", Sirius muttered eventually. "It’s late."
They nodded back, and the three started making their way back to the inn. They moved heavy and slowly, dragging one foot after the other. None of them would even dare to try and apparate in their current capacity, so they’d have to camp for yet another night. James started fantasising about showering the salt off of his skin and tucking his tired body in a nice, warm bed. They had just crossed the harbour when they realised they were lost.
"Shit", Sirius cursed. "Which way was it again?"
"We passed that tree with the broken branch", James said, pointing forward.
"No, it was a different one."
"I’m telling you, it was that one!"
"And I’m telling you, it was a different one."
Before they could argue any longer, the two spotted Remus making his way toward the tree, sitting by it and opening his mouth as he began snoring instantly. They groaned, running to him and trying to yank him up, but the man was stiff as a rock. They had to give up.
James sat, admitting defeat at last. As he observed the stars above him, he thought of some spell he once learned which turned his wand into a compass, but his memory was still too hazy to remember what it was. When he turned to ask Sirius about it, he saw he had fallen asleep, too. James closed his eyes, assuring himself it would only be for a second, and drifted away to sleep.
If one could call it that, that is. It lasted until the first ray of sun made its way up from the horizon, hitting him directly in the eye.
"Morning", someone groaned next to him.
He got up, stretching his entire body in the process. His entire body ached, even sorer than he was used to feeling after quidditch practices.
"Are we good to apparate?" he asked.
His friends nodded, not looking towards him. He ignored the tension and disappeared in a crack, reappearing inside the familiar tent. Sirius and Remus both materialised next to him only a second after, and they each made their way towards a bathroom.
As he stood under the warm water, James unwinded the blurry memories of that night. It hadn’t been as fun as he had hoped, but he also couldn’t really say it had gone sideways. After all, despite still having a lot to unpack, he had had his first night out with his best friends in over a decade. They’d gotten drunk and professed their love and fought. Wasn’t that how it always went anyway?
He put on clean clothes and went to the kitchen, where Remus already was cooking breakfast. They exchanged a few awkward sentences and then sat down to eat. It was only eggs on toast, and yet they tasted like the finest meal James had ever had.
"James", Remus called, once they were finished. He looked nervous and hesitant, but at the same time confident in whatever he wanted to say.
"Yes?"
"About what we discussed last night", he began. "Well, I won’t pester you any more to get mad at me."
James smiled. "Good."
"But I wanted to ask if you understood what that entails."
He swallowed, nodding slowly. "I do, Remus. I… I have been thinking about this since Friday night, when Mary told us during the bonfire that Harry was eleven. I tried… tried to force Lily to talk to me about it, but she didn’t want to, not then. But… Well. I knew it would either come down to me or Sirius. I wasn’t expecting you to be in the mix as well, but I suppose I’ve already accepted the idea of sharing", he chuckled.
Remus looked so relieved he could almost cry. James thought of reaching out to him, but things between them were still strange enough, and it was best not to push any limits — Remus had never been much of a hugger, anyway.
"Lily told me she doesn’t know herself", Remus said. "That’s why she never reached out to any of us. She was ashamed. And she wanted to raise Harry away from all of these complications."
James stared into the distance. How could he blame her for that decision? None of them had been exactly father material, especially not eleven years ago.
"I wish she had told me", he said quietly. "I would have…"
"I know", Remus muttered.
"I should have been there for her." His voice failed midway, and he cleared his throat. "I should never have let her go, Moony. I should have fought harder. I should have gone after her, even if she didn’t want to be found. I should have been there for her and Harry. I should have had these last eleven years with them."
Remus’ eyes were full with pity, so James looked away. He knew his friend understood the sentiment, but it was still shameful. How could he have abandoned the love of his life? How could he have shoved away the one person he adored more than life itself, the one person whose name he’d said in his sleep ever since the first day they had met? How could he have walked away from her in her darkest hour?
"Tell her, then."
James and Remus jumped in their seats, turning to find Sirius standing in the doorway.
"What?"
"Tell her", Sirius repeated. "We’re right outside her house, aren’t we? Go in there and tell her how you feel!"
James froze, considering what Sirius had said. Sirius was right, wasn’t he? He didn’t want to spend another eleven years in regret, and he shouldn’t waste this fateful reunion.
"He’s right", Remus said.
"Of course I’m right", Sirius mumbled.
Remus ignored him. "Lily loves you, James. I know she does."
"I saw her admiring you with your shirt off at the beach", Sirius added.
"She just still feels guilty about having slept with us", Remus continued. "She thinks you’d never forgive her."
James shook his head. "There’s nothing to forgive."
"Then go!" Sirius shouted. "Go tell her!"
He looked unsure at Remus, who gave him a nod. "Right", he whispered.
For the first time in years, he allowed himself to be consumed with hope, and it poured out of him in the biggest smile he could manage. His hands trembled as he ran out of the tent, towards the blue inn in the distance, with Sirius and Remus following behind. He couldn’t give himself a moment of hesitation, he couldn’t give in to his nerves.
He was going to get Lily Evans back.