Lily
Will you have me? Will you love me?
Will you kiss me on the porch in front of all your stupid friends?
If you kiss me, will it be just like I dreamed it?
Will it patch your broken wings?
Sunday, September 1st 1989
King’s Cross Station on the first of September felt like being eleven all over again. It was crowded, as usual, but Lily could repeatedly spot young kids and their families with familiarly odd clothing — some of them tried their hand on muggle fashion, mixing all kinds of inappropriate attire, while others simply wore their usual long robes and pointy hats. Many kids were also accompanied by a cage with one of three animals (owl, cat or toad), and all of them dragged awkward, bulky trunks behind them.
Harry had insisted on carrying his trunk himself, so Lily simply followed the boy as they stitched their way to platform 9. Mary and Marlene also accompanied them, faithful as always, which only enhanced that feeling of nostalgia.
"Can we get some coffee first?" Marlene asked.
Lily turned. Her friend has slept all of the way to London, and still the dark circles around her eyes had not faded. By her side, Mary didn’t look as exhausted, though she also stared at Lily expectantly.
She checked her watch. It was still ten.
"Sure", she said. "Actually, I’d love some, too."
Harry seemed slightly disappointed — he had been very eager to cross the magical barrier to the secret platform — but followed without protest as they made their way to the nearest shop, which had a huge sign advertising the drink. They had just queued in line when a group of men, who had been sitting at one of the nearby tables, got up.
"Lily!"
She froze as she recognised the voice. And, as expected, there James was, walking towards her with Remus and Sirius trailing behind.
"James?" she said. "Remus? Sirius? What are you doing here?"
The three men looked at each other in surprise, as if they hadn’t even thought about it.
"We’re, um", Sirius stuttered. "We’re here to see Harry off."
"How did you even get here so quickly?" she asked. After all, they had been up since four in the morning just to get there on time, and the three of them had not been at the station nor on the train.
"We apparated", James said simply.
"Oh." Lily felt her cheeks burn. Of course they had apparated. They were wizards; they could do whatever they pleased, couldn’t they? They could crash her most anticipated event of the year and her son’s most important milestones without a second thought, and clearly they didn’t mind doing that again.
Her blush had reached her entire face now, and she was livid.
"Actually", Remus intervened, before she could say anything, "James wanted to tell you something."
"Tell me what?"
James looked startled and lost for words, which made her lose it. Had they really come all the way to King’s Cross just to ruin Harry’s special day with those stupid games, or whatever they were? Were they purposely trying to ruin things for her? Had they not had enough?
She glanced at Harry, who seemed equally confused. God, he didn’t deserve any of this. This was supposed to be one of the happiest days of his life, where he would enter the wizarding world for the first time and begin his journey at Hogwarts, and yet there they were, wasting time with three idiots from her past.
"Look, if you want to say something, just say it", she said. "We should be getting to platform 9 and ¾ soon."
James nodded promptly. "Right. Right. Lily, I… I wanted to tell you something."
She rolled her eyes, huffing impatiently. "Yes, Remus said that already."
"I love you", he blurted, too quickly.
Lily halted. She couldn’t tell if her heart had stopped completely or simply clawed its way up her throat. Whatever it was, it seemed to incapacitate her of any reaction; she knew shock was clear as day on her face.
He loved her? He loved her. James Potter still loved her. James loved her, and he had come all the way to King’s Cross to tell her that.
How many times had she dreamed of scenarios just like that? How many times had she fantasised of him coming back to her, telling her he wanted her back? And, eleven years later, there he was, gawking at her with hopeful eyes, waiting for her to answer.
But she looked at Harry, who’d been watching the entire scene, and felt shame rise in her. However she felt, it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter if she'd been waiting eleven years to hear those words, it didn't matter it had brought butterflies to her stomach for the first time since she was a teenager. She had already spent the weekend worrying about herself, but this was the time to think of Harry first. He was her priority.
"James…"
"I’ve loved you from the very first day", he continued, "when we were eleven and you refused to sit with me in the Hogwarts Express, and every day since then. I’ve loved you all my life, Lily."
"James."
"And if this weekend has shown me anything, it’s that I don’t want to spend another decade regretting losing you. You have always been the best in my life, and I never should have stopped fighting for you, not for one second."
It took everything she had to not run straight into his arms, to not rush towards the intoxicating James Potter scent she had long known.
Because Harry came first, he would always come first. And, right now, her kid was standing completely puzzled next to her, awaiting as they carried on that untimely interruption.
"James", she said one more time. "I appreciate all of this, I really do. But this is a lot more complex than you know, and here and now is not the time nor place to resolve this."
Lily could feel her friends all shot down by her answer, but she knew she was doing the right thing. It still broke her heart to see James nodding, crestfallen.
"Of course", he muttered, his perpetual kindness still clear in his voice.
She couldn’t take any other second there. She grabbed Harry’s shoulders, redirecting him back towards the platforms, when the boy stopped.
"Mum, wait", he said.
She frowned. "Hm?"
She could feel everyone’s eyes back on them as Harry turned. Even the station seemed to quiet down, a bit too uncharacteristically, but Lily didn’t check if anyone had their wands out. Instead, she focused on her son.
"You’ve already given up so much for me", he said.
She dismissed it immediately. "I haven’t given up anything for you."
"I want you to be happy", he insisted. "Whether that’s with James or… anyone of them."
"Harry, you don’t have to worry about me."
"I’m going away for most of the year now, mum. It would be nice to know you’d have someone other than Mrs. Moore to pass your days with."
Lily knelt to match her son’s height, pulling him close until they were almost touching their foreheads.
"Harry", she lowered her voice. "About what we talked last night…"
"I don’t care if he’s my dad or not", he whispered back. "If he’ll make you happy, that’s what matters."
She couldn’t hold her tears any longer. Oh, Harry, her sweet, sweet boy. He was so kind, so pure, so selfless. How did she ever deserve him?
"I love you", she cried, hugging him tightly, and he murmured it back. How would she live without him for the rest of the year?
When they finally pulled apart, she wiped her face and stood up. Everyone was still around them, having witnessed the entire thing, and she felt suddenly very self aware. But, once again, Harry intervened in her favour.
"Hey, aunties", he called, going towards Mary and Marlene. "Can we go to the convenience store to see if there are any comics I could take with me?"
They glanced at Lily for confirmation, but readjusted in no time.
"Of course, of course", they said, leading Harry away.
"Hey", Sirius exclaimed abruptly. "How about he go check the restrooms, Moony? I’ve heard muggles have all kinds of weird technologies in their toilets!"
Remus barely masked his objection, but replied in an equally obvious tone, "Sure! That would be great!"
The two rapidly scurried away.
James and Lily were left, standing awkwardly across from each other. Passerbys began bumping into them, compulsorily forcing them closer together, until they were within arm’s length. Lily could only hear the beating of her heart.
None of them knew how to even begin.
"I’m sorry to have…"
"Look, James, I…"
"...intruded. Sorry, you go first."
"No, you can go."
"No, please."
Lily sighed. "Like I said, this is all a lot more complicated than you know."
He lifted his hand, hesitantly, and placed it on her arm. It seemed to ground her, somehow, and she finally met his eye.
"I know, Lil. I know everything."
Her eyes widened. "You do?"
He nodded. His eyes were so full of comfort, so understanding. Did he really know everything? If so, how long had he known? Was he actually willing to forgive her?
"The boys told me everything. I know about you and Remus and… I know about Harry. How he could be any one of ours."
Her mouth opened and closed a few times, trying to make words. "So…"
"I don’t care about any of it." He held her other arm, and it felt like it was the only thing keeping her standing then. "I love you, Lily. I want to be a part of yours and Harry’s life, as I should have for the last eleven years. I was an idiot then, but I don’t wanna waste any more time. Take me back, and I promise I’ll never let you go. Never again."
There was nothing she could’ve said back.
She kissed him.
It felt like those Filibuster fireworks the boys used to light after a quidditch win. It tasted like butterbeer and pumpkin pie at Great Hall feasts, and it smelled like ink and parchment and the burning candles they’d light on late studying sessions. It felt like being seventeen and realising she loved him, and only him, and always had. Kissing James felt like having a little magic in her life wasn't so bad, after all. He felt like magic.
"I love you", she breathed, pulling apart for only a second.
The corner of his lips quivered in relief. "I love you."
"I mean, I think I do. You might have turned out to have become a horrible person."
"I might… Yeah, I guess", he chuckled. "I hope not."
She laughed nervously. "You didn’t murder anyone or anything like that, did you?"
"No, not that I remember, no."
"Father any other possible kid?"
"No."
"Well, that wouldn’t make you a bad person, anyway. Just wanted to check."
He grinned. "Cheeky."
He pulled her in again, this time a little more confidently, more ardently. She was aware they were still in the middle of a packed train station, but realised no one had batted an eye at them when they separated. Perhaps London was used to impromptu displays of love.
They locked hands together.
"So we’re doing this", she said, breathless.
"We’re doing this", James answered. He cupped her face and landed one last kiss on her lips.
She had no idea what that really meant, how they were going to move forward from then on, but she was excited to find out.
They met the rest of the group at the convenience store, where Harry had a bag of comics in his hand and the girls shared a cup of iced coffee. No one said anything when they arrived with their fingers intertwined — they only mirrored their enormous grins. Sirius and Remus soon joined them, and the group set off to the barrier between platforms 9 and 10.
"Ready?" Lily asked Harry, placing a hand on his shoulder. Sirius and Remus had volunteered to go first, as a demonstration on how the passage worked. Harry only nodded once, without taking his eyes off the brick wall. They then sprinted towards it, and Lily closed her eyes instinctively at the last second.
They emerged at platform 9 and ¾, where a steaming scarlet locomotive awaited them. A few students already waved to their families from the windows, some still scattered around the station, running around with reunited friends or saying their final goodbyes. Harry had his mouth wide open, gawking at his surroundings in wonder, and Lily couldn’t help but see through his eyes, too. She still remembered how it had felt, seeing all of it for the first time.
She was helping him get his trunk on the train when two kids almost ran them over. They were two, both redheaded and identical, and she recognised them from that day at Diagon Alley.
"Look, it’s Harry!" one of them shouted, rushing towards him.
"Hey, Harry!" the other cheered.
"So, did you meet your father?" the first one asked.
Harry looked back to where James, Sirius and Remus stood, talking with each other. "Kind of", he said. "I’ll, uh… explain more later."
He then shot a sorry look at her, which was when the twins finally seemed to notice her.
"Oh, how are you doing, Harry’s mum?" the one closest to her said. "I’m George."
"Fred", the other one said.
"Nice to meet you", she replied, smiling. The two had a mischievous air to them that seemed oddly familiar. She realised, when she caught a glimpse at them, it reminded her of James and Sirius in their Hogwarts days.
"We’ll save you a seat, Harry!" they shouted, running off somewhere else.
Lily checked her watch. The train would be leaving in less than ten minutes.
"Alright, you should get going. Let’s go say goodbye."
They went back to meet the group, which was complete by now.
"Have a good term, Harry", Remus said first, patting his head awkwardly.
"Do let us know how flying lessons go, will you?" Sirius said. "I think we could get you a broom in time for tryouts…"
"He’s first year, Black", Mary replied.
"Raw talent should be fostered as soon as possible."
"Ignore them", Marlene said, pulling him in for a hug. "Enjoy your year, sweetie. And do write to us as soon as you can."
"Yes, Aunt Marlene."
"Oh, you don’t have an owl, do you?" Sirius asked, ignoring the look Lily shot at him. "Do you have any preferences? I personally have always liked tawny owls, but they say great horned are the fastest…"
"Sirius", she warned him.
"Just out of curiosity, that is."
Mary hugged Harry goodbye. "Oh, I’ll miss you so much, sweetie."
"It’s only until Christmas", Harry said, though he didn’t pull away.
"Too long."
When they separated, James finally stepped in. "Can I write to you, Harry?"
Harry seemed a bit surprised, but he nodded. "Yeah."
James smiled. "Alright. I hope you like Hogwarts as much as we did."
The kid smiled, too, though a bit shyly. James offered his hand, and they shook them.
Harry at last turned to Lily. She had already teared up, perhaps for the hundredth time that weekend, but this one was a bit different. She had spent the last eleven years regretting how everything had ended at Hogwarts, regretting every decision she had made then. She’d wished she could go back and not have slept with Remus and Sirius. She’d always hoped Harry was James’.
But as she watched her kid with the three men, the best friends she had ever had, she thought maybe this wasn’t such a terrible arrangement, after all. At the end of the day, Harry was surrounded by people who loved him like family.
Of course, if he ever did decide he wanted to find out which one of them was his actual father, she would help him do so. But she was fine with not knowing, just as she was fine with sharing her kid with either of them.
"Ready?" she asked him again, just as the first whistle was blown.
Harry put a brave face on. "Ready."
She kissed his cheek tenderly. "Promise me you’ll have fun?" she asked.
He smirked, timidly at first, but it quickly turned into a grin. "Promise."
They hugged one final time. "Alright", she said, pulling away at the sound of the second whistle. "Off you go, then."
Harry ran inside the train, waving them goodbye. He looked back only once.
As they waved the train off, Lily felt an arm slide behind her back. James squeezed her closely and kissed the top of her head while she wiped her tears. She then reached her arm, calling for Mary and Marlene, and the girls came to her other side.
"Thank you", she said. "For everything. I probably don’t say this as often as I should, but you guys are the best friends I could have ever asked for."
James was shoved aside so the girls could embrace her properly.
"Aw, Lils", Marlene whispered.
"Always count on us, babe", Mary said. "Always."
The final whistle sounded at last, and the Hogwarts Express began sliding away. They all waved, even though they couldn’t identify Harry within the hundreds of kids that waved back from the windows, and they kept waving until the train disappeared completely.