Sirius
And when I felt like I was an old cardigan
Under someone's bed
You put me on and said I was your favorite
Saturday, August 31st 1989
The world had finally stopped spinning, but that could mean no good news.
Before Sirius could even open his eyes, fragments of hazy memories flashed in the darkness of his mind — dancing lights in the night sky, hysterical laughter that hurt his stomach, crappy music blasted through even crappier speakers, desperate chest pain he had tried to drown away. As his consciousness settled back in place, the visions too became sharper, and he started puzzling the events back in order. It had all started pretty fun, until of course Remus would not stop staring at him, and then the terrible realisation that came with finding out about Harry’s age…
Harry. Sirius’ eyes darted open.
"Shit", he said.
"That sounds about right", a voice responded.
Sirius jumped in the bed, turning towards the voice, only to find Remus sitting in a chair beside him. He must have been taken to one of Lily’s rooms at the inn. It was very bright, with cream coloured walls and whitewashed wooden furniture, and Sirius thought he caught a glimpse of the sea from the window view. But the calming atmosphere did nothing to soothe him, and he went back to alarm mode.
"What…"
"You were sick", Remus explained. "James found you passed out at the beach this morning, and apparently you had dehydrated a bit in the sun. Marlene fixed you up, but she said you’d need to rest."
Sirius nodded slowly. He pretended to examine his surroundings so he wouldn’t have to meet Remus’ eye, but he immediately recognized the old beaten suitcase in the back.
"Is this your room?” He straightened up immediately. "Sorry, I’ll go back to James’." Before he could even get out of bed, however, his sight began blurring.
"Sirius, lie down."
"I don’t want to be of any trouble."
"You need to rest." Remus then chuckled, ever so lightly, and it sent a jolt of electricity throughout Sirius’ entire body. "Am I really that insufferable to be with?"
A smirk crawled its way to the corner of Sirius’ lips. "A bit, especially this early in the morning."
Remus could not contain a roll of eyes. "It’s past noon."
"Exactly. Still in the small hours."
"I take it you’re feeling better, then." He got up. "Should I tell Mrs. Moore to save you some lunch?"
His stomach groaned in response. "Yes, please. Thank you, Remus", Sirius added, before he left.
Alone for a few minutes, Sirius tried to recollect the night before. He had obviously drunk past his own limit, which didn’t happen very often anymore, but the nervousness of the reunion with Remus had wrecked him. He remembered talking to everyone, chatting up conversations with old married couples and young kids alike. He remembered sneaking out to the beach to fire up some Filibuster fireworks he had stashed away in the Potters’ tent so many years ago. And, only after Mary scared some sense into him, did he understand why he had been called there in the first place. Why he had been reunited with Lily, after over a decade of distance.
"She wouldn’t let me bring the food here; said it might bring out rats", Remus reappeared, pushing the door open. "Are you good to go downstairs? I’m afraid we can’t levitate you there, might bring up a few questions."
"Remus", he called. His face must have been quite grim, because Remus quieted immediately. "I have to tell you something."
Remus gave him a half-smile. "Is it about what happened eleven years ago?"
He felt something crawling up his throat, but he forced it down. "Yes."
But Remus only closed the door and sat on the chair again, still with a soft look on his face. "Well, I’d actually like to talk about it, too. Seems about time, huh?"
"Yeah." He swallowed again, trying to muster up the courage. Remus kept looking at him too kindly, so he decided to just go with it. "Do you remember… Do you remember that Halloween party, in our seventh year?"
"Do you mean the one where you and Lily got ridiculously pissed and then proceeded to sleep together?"
He averted his eyes. "Yes", he muttered somberly. He still remembered waking up the next day, having the worst hangover of his life, which did not go away for weeks. Remorse had stalked him, glooming over his head, tainting every interaction he’d have with James or Remus. He still remembered the heartbroken look on James’ face when he told him. He could not forget the way Remus’ warmth had disappeared, how Remus had retreated until they could not even refer to each other as anything other than classmates. "I’m so sorry", was all he could say.
Remus stared at his own shoes. "I’m sorry, too. I wish we had talked about this back then."
"I should have come to you first. Moony, I’m so sorry. You shouldn’t have had to hear it from James, it should’ve come from me."
Only after the word had come out of his mouth did Sirius realise he had used Remus’ nickname — one he hadn’t spoken in years. Remus had obviously noticed it, too, but Sirius kept his ground. He had at last crossed the barrier, the one they had put up eleven years ago, and he knew he had to keep moving forward.
"Sirius", he called. "I have to tell you something."
He waited. He hadn’t seen Remus this pained more than a couple times in his life, and his heart began racing. The entire exchange had been so tender until then; he wasn’t ready to let go of it.
"I didn’t actually find out through James", Remus said. "Lily was the one who told me. It was after James had broken up with her, and she was very upset."
He stopped, so Sirius nodded. "Oh. I see."
"Well, I… I got pretty upset, too. I know we weren’t anything, but…"
"I messed up", he interrupted. "I… Moony, you know I… I wanted you. I shouldn’t have…"
"Please", Remus whispered. "Let me finish."
Sirius gulped. Even after so long, he still hadn’t learned to keep his mouth shut. Stupid, stupid Sirius Black.
"I… Shit. Let’s just get off with it. Lily and I slept together that night."
Sirius blinked and blinked and blinked. He frowned, then blinked a couple more times, then scoffed. Huh. "I’m sorry", he said. "What?"
Guilt was spread all over Remus’ face, coating it with a nice thin layer of red. "I was furious at you, so I thought I’d…"
"Sleep with Lily?" he completed. He hadn’t known how to feel about this new information, until it poured out of him. He chuckled. "Are you serious, Moony?"
Remus looked puzzled. "Are you… are you laughing?"
He did just that. He couldn’t contain it, and laughter turned to roaring. "Yes! Are you… Shit, Moony!"
"Why are you laughing?" Remus protested.
Sirius had to wipe tears from his eyes. "Shit", he actually giggled. He hadn’t laughed his hard in so long, not the type of laughing that actually hurts your stomach. He breathed in and out, trying to recompose himself. "Oh, I just can’t believe it. Oh, it’s so stupid. Is that why you distanced yourself from me? And from everyone, really? Because you felt guilty?"
"Yes."
Remus looked like he was about to get offended, so Sirius breathed deeply once more, swallowing down the laughter until only a skittish feeling in his stomach remained.
"I’m sorry, it’s just… just so fucking stupid. We didn’t talk for a decade just because we played these stupid little games when we were teens?" He left one final chuckle. "I can’t believe it."
Remus kept staring at him. "So you’re not mad?" he asked hesitantly.
He smiled, hoping it came off as reassuring and not mocking. "No. No, I’m not mad. Let’s stop holding eleven-year-old grudges, shall we?"
Remus finally smiled. It had one or two extra lines around it, but it was as beautiful as ever. Sirius felt like a giddy teenager all over again.
"Alright", Remus said. He shook his head slowly. "Can’t believe you actually grew up, Padfoot."
And, with that, they were back. Sirius grinned triumphantly.
They both held their breaths as Remus got up and made his way to the bed, where he sat close to the edge. The seconds that followed felt like an eternity, as they waited for the other to make the first move, but they at last embraced. Sirius breathed him in, tucking his face right on the curve of Remus’ neck, where he used to fit so perfectly. He felt Remus stroking the back of his head, playing with the curls on his hair, and it was as if the weight of adulthood had been lifted off of him. For the first time in years, he was no longer Sirius Orion Black, eldest son of the noble house of Black, head of department at the Ministry of Magic. He was simply Sirius. He was Padfoot, who had the best of friends in the world. He was Sirius Black, and the one immutable truth about Sirius Black was that he loved Remus Lupin.
Remus lied down with him, and they curled up against each other in the most familiar of ways. They existed, for a little while, in comfortable silence, and Sirius thought he might never want to leave that single bedroom in the Gentian Inn.
"Aren’t you hungry?" Remus whispered.
His stomach was, in fact, churning gastric juice at full speed, but he replied, "I can wait."
Remus chuckled lightly, tucking himself back into his arms, but they did not settle back into their quietness. Instead, he turned to face Sirius, only a few inches away. "Sirius", he called.
"Yes?"
"There’s something else we have to talk about."
Sirius understood exactly what Remus was referring to, and despair almost filled him completely. He reached for Remus’ hand, intertwining them together.
"Harry."
"Yeah."
"You figured that out last night, didn’t you?"
"Yes", he confessed, though he didn’t exactly remember most of it, only the feeling of distress. He remembered saying something to Harry, but he had no idea what. Had he claimed the poor boy? Had he traumatised him?
"I think James did, too. He seemed quite startled when he realised Harry was eleven."
Sirius frowned. "So… Let me just make sure I got everything correctly."
"Harry could be one of ours", Remus said. "Lily told me she… she doesn’t know herself. Timewise, the three of us fit."
He tried to make sense of it. There was a chance, about 33% of it, that Harry was his kid. Harry, the full grown child he had met yesterday, who was about to leave for his first year at Hogwarts. Harry, who he had not known existed until yesterday. Harry, who grew up with Lily, without anyone to call a father. Who was still barely his acquaintance.
"Shit", he said.
"Yeah, that about sums it up", Remus laughed.
"So I… We could be…"
"Dads. Yeah."
"No."
"You’re Daddy Sirius now. Get used to it."
"Shut up."
Still, Remus’ smile faded, and they both fell into their own contemplations.
"So", Sirius began. "What does that mean, then?"
Remus sighed. "I don’t know. Lily was also taken by surprise yesterday, when we all arrived. I suppose we should… give her some time to think things through. To decide how she wants to go forward with this. We don’t want her to make any rash decision, and this is a kid’s life we’re talking about."
"Right."
"But we should be ready in any case."
"Of course." Sirius tried imagining what this meant for him. Honestly, Harry seemed like a great kid — which, to him, was saying a lot, considering he wasn’t particularly fond of children. He could envision himself taking care of him during school holidays, taking him on all sorts of trips (he still wanted to best Marlene’s and Harry’s sailing excursions) and teaching him quidditch (coaching, really). He could already imagine him and Remus hosting Christmas dinner at his London flat. He would get the biggest tree he could find, and they’d place dozens of neatly packaged gifts around it for Harry to tear. Oh, he’d spoil the kid right. And, if all went well, James and Lily would make up, so they could raise Harry half the time at the inn…
Sirius’ fantasy shattered when he finally remembered James.
"Did you talk to James?" he asked.
"No", Remus said. "I was taking care of you all day, wasn’t I?"
"Does he… does he know about you and Lily?"
Remus didn’t reply, which was an answer on its own.
"You should tell him", he muttered. "I think, if we have learned one lesson from all of this, is that it is better to talk about things. And I know James would rather hear it from you, Moony."
He took a while, but Remus finally acquiesced. "I know", he said quietly.
"I can help you, if you’d like", he offered. "I have experience with exactly that."
"Telling your best friend you slept with the love of his life."
"Yeah. Easy-peasy."
He chuckled. "Okay. I’ll trust you."
Sirius moved closer, until the tips of their noses were touching each other. "Trust me, Moony", he whispered.
Remus closed his eyes, pulling him in, and Sirius kissed him.
It was as sweet as it had always been in his dreams.