Lily
Time, curious time
Gave me no compasses, gave me no signs
Were there clues I didn't see?
Saturday, August 31st 1989
Lunch had come and gone, and Lily had not yet left the kitchen. She had a lot to do, of course: they were to cook all of Harry’s favourite dishes for his going away dinner, and she had planned on also baking a layered chocolate cake and decorating it with a chunk of colourful buttercream frosting. But she’d also been too afraid to leave Mrs. Moore’s side, to wander off on her own with the possibility of James approaching her and trying to start a conversation.
Those had been the blurriest last twenty four hours of her life. Since the previous morning, all she’d done was distract herself with every imaginable chore. Every toilet had been scrubbed clean, every glass polished to perfection. She had even fixed the crooked drawer in her nightstand, the one she had put off doing for probably years. Honestly, she was almost glad for everything that was happening; it had been her most productive day ever.
But only almost. When she thought back to the argument she had had with James in the kitchen, all she wanted to do was escape. The way he’d looked… He knew. He knew about Harry. God, did he know about Remus, too?
"Morning", a male voice said, and she almost dropped the egg carton in her hands.
She turned, heart in her hand, only to find Sirius descending the stairs. "Oh", she sighed in relief. "Good afternoon, Sirius. Are you feeling better?"
Remus appeared right behind him. "Yeah, I think he puked all the assholeness out of him already", he said. Mrs. Moore made a face next to her, but she said nothing.
Lily smiled. They seemed to be in an excellent mood, so it could mean one thing. She supposed it was hard to hold a grudge when you were taking care of someone in a state as poor as Sirius was.
"Right, then. You hungry?"
"Yes", Sirius replied eagerly.
"I’ll make you a plate. You can eat outside, if the sunlight’s not too bright for you."
"You’re the best, Lils."
She pulled the leftovers out of the fridge and assembled Sirius a generously sized plate — she remembered how much he used to eat in morning afters. After heating it up, she took it to the outside table, where the two men sat and talked quietly to each other. Sirius met her with roaring cheers and immediately started shovelling food in his mouth.
"Do you mind joining us for a bit?" Remus asked, before she could leave. "If you’re not too busy, of course."
Lily took a quick look around. James was nowhere in sight, so she agreed. "Sure, I can spare a few minutes."
Remus then started intently at Sirius, who was somehow already halfway done with his lunch. He took a while to notice the stare, but then straightened up and cleared his throat.
"Oh, right", he began. "Lily, first of all, I wanted to apologise for my behaviour last night. I made a fool of myself."
She shook her head. "Don’t worry, really. It was a stressful night for all of us, I think."
"Still, no one behaved as poorly as I did."
"Well, the guests seemed quite entertained by you. So you don’t need to feel too bad, okay?"
"Oh, come on, Lil", Remus intervened. "I was hoping you’d lecture him. You used to be so good at it back then."
She chuckled. "My prefect days are long gone. And you lecture him, then, if that's what you want. I already have a kid of my own to educate."
Speaking of which, where was Harry? He had yet to return for lunch, but she didn’t want to go fetch him herself, and Mary and Marlene were already there…
"About that", Sirius said. "Uh… Remus told me about the situation."
"The situation?"
"With Harry’s parentage."
Oh. Lily’s smile faded, and she forced herself to swallow.
"I just wanted to say…" Sirius continued. "However you choose to go forward with this, I wanted you to know I am glad to participate as much or as little as you want me to. If you never want to tell Harry anything, I’ll keep my mouth shut. If you need any kind of help, I’ll gladly step in. If you need money for anything, the Black family vault is at your service. Shit, I can make Harry my heir, if you don’t mind. Though we probably shouldn’t tell him anything until he’s older, or else he’ll grow up to be a brat. Actually, we can see…"
"Sirius", she interrupted him.
"Sorry", he recollected himself. "I tend to ramble a bit."
Remus put his hand on top of Sirius’, squeezing it reassuringly before turning to Lily. "Same here, Lil. Though I don’t have all that generational wealth, I’ll be at your service."
"And you don’t have to decide anything right now", Sirius added. "But we hope we can see Harry every now and then. I would like to put Aunt Mary and Aunt Marlene up to a challenge."
He was grinning mischievously, but Lily’s eyes were filled with tears.
"No, no, don’t cry", they pleaded, rushing to embrace her from both sides.
"We love you, Lils", Sirius said.
"Don’t say that!" she shrieked. Of course, they hugged her tighter, and that only made her cry harder.
How could they be so kind, so understanding? They should hate her. She had been the cause for all that went down between them all those years ago; it was her fault they had broken up. It had been her fault the whole friend group had dismantled, never to be put together again. She had been the one who ran away, who isolated herself and never let them know about Harry, who could possibly be their own bloodline. She had caused them so much pain. She didn’t deserve their love.
But they didn’t let go, not until she had calmed down. She wiped her tears, she steadied her breathing. Lily Evans, you are a grown woman, she thought. Put yourself back together at once.
"Thanks, guys", she muttered as they released her.
"Don’t go crying no more, Evans", Sirius said, very solemnly. "You look too pretty when you cry, it’s not fair to the rest of us."
"Yeah, Sirius will get jealous and might try to copy you", Remus said. "And he does not look pretty when he cries. He’s more of a mess that way."
"So you don’t think my nose running is sexy?"
"Should I?"
Lily laughed. Those two were good at getting her to lighten up. "Alright, alright", she said, getting up. "I should be getting back to the kitchen, anyway."
"Hey, we can help you", Remus suggested, getting up too.
"No, don’t worry about it. Actually, do you mind calling Harry back here? He should eat something."
"Sure."
Lily smiled weakly. "Thanks a lot."
She went back inside, stopping to wash her face in the bathroom first. Mrs. Moore could probably notice the redness still on her nose, but the matron had seen her in worse days, in all honesty. She resumed prepping the cake batter, then setting it to bake as she started on the frosting.
Lily heard the group approaching the inn not much later. Harry hopped inside, followed by Mary and Marlene, who pampered him as they got him his food. She heard the boys at the entrance, and she breathed deeply before smiling and meeting them.
"Hi, guys", she greeted them. "Come on, make yourselves comfortable!"
Remus and Sirius winked before joining the kitchen table. James took only a cautious step forward.
The night before hadn’t been enough for Lily to get used to the sight of him. Jesus, why did he look so good? Couldn’t he have lost all his hair or grown a ridiculous moustache or something? It would make it all so much easier. But no, if anything, he looked even better. Stupid quidditch players and their fitness.
"Hey", she said, hoping he couldn’t hear her voice tremble. She’d decided to play the gracious host, hoping he too would pretend they hadn’t shouted at each other only hours ago. "Are you hungry?"
"Oh", he said, unsure. "I don’t mean to be of any trouble…"
"Nonsense", she said. "There’s plenty of food. Too much, actually, and it would help clear up some fridge space for Harry’s cake."
He nodded. "Okay. Thank you."
She led him back to the kitchen, where she resumed with the frosting. The mixer didn’t allow for much talking, which she was kind of glad for — the brief interaction with James had already been more than she could take. She spied on him once or twice, and her heart ached each time.
She also noticed Sirius had an arm around Remus’ shoulder, and the two would not look away from one another’s eye when they talked. She was so happy they had made up. It made her feel a little less shitty about herself, even though she still felt like she had robbed them of having the last decade together. But it also made her feel a spark of hope inside her. Maybe, just maybe… If they had made up… Maybe she and James could, too.
Just as soon as she allowed herself the thought, she shook it off. It wasn’t the same, not even close. While Sirius and Remus had both made mistakes (namely, sleeping with her), James had nothing to atone for. She, alone, had been the cause of their break up. And how could he ever forgive her? She had slept with his two best friends. How would they ever build trust from that? How could they ever have a relationship where she didn’t feel indebted the entire time?
Besides, it was too complicated to ever involve Harry. It was too much to put him through, after everything. They already had their life together. She had built so much for the past eleven years. She wasn’t about to throw it all away just for some messy haired jock, handsome as he was.
"Harry, honey", she called, as soon as she heard them getting up.
He came to her, and she crouched to talk to him.
"How was quidditch today?"
"Fun", he said, avoiding her eyes.
She raised an eyebrow. His face didn’t translate fun at all.
"I’m a bit tired, though. Can I stay in?"
"Of course, of course! Mummy has to prepare everything for tonight, though, is that okay? You can help me decorate the cake."
His face finally lit up, and she sighed in relief.
"Can I have some of the frosting?" he asked tentatively.
She pretended to consider it. "Hm… Okay, just a bit. But only because it is your last day before school, okay, mister?"
Harry beamed, promptly taking his position beside her. The group was cleaning up the table, and Mary came to them.
"Need any help, babe?" she asked.
"We’re good, Mary, thanks. I’ll need help setting the outdoor tables, but only later. You don’t have to worry about it now."
"Right. Well, then… I was actually thinking of going for a swim."
Marlene was immediately summoned. "Who said anything about a swim?"
"Come on, let’s go change", Mary said, pushing her towards the staircase. "Do you boys remember this thing called surfing?"
"Don’t you wanna go?" Lily asked Harry.
He looked back to where the group was jumping up and down, already bantering on who was going to drown first. "No, I’m good", he said.
Lily nodded as she tried to mask her joy. Truth was she had been jealous of all the time Harry had spent with everyone else that weekend, while she had been wasting away in anxiety and household chores. She felt triumphant that Harry had finally chosen to stay inside with her. Perhaps she should let him have as much frosting as he wanted.
Harry, unfortunately, seemed too fatigued to even carry a conversation. She tried asking him about quidditch, about whether he was excited for school, about what he’d thought of her friends, but he only gave short answers at a time. When they were finally done with the cake, he still looked so low she simply suggested he go take a bath and a nap. He disappeared upstairs with no complaints, which was rare for him; Lily only supposed he must have been really exhausted.
The sun was still quite high in the sky when she realised she was done with prepping for dinner. She looked around, trying to find something for her to do, but even Mrs. Moore had sat down, humming by herself.
She noticed Lily’s lost face. "Why don’t you go meet your friends at the beach, miss?" she asked. "I’ll stay here in case Harry needs anything."
Lily halted. "Are you sure?"
"Yeah, you go. You deserve some fun."
She bit her lip as she considered. She knew she’d been longing to join them; Mrs. Moore probably had noticed her constantly staring towards the beach. "Okay, I’ll go", she said, not quite believing herself. "But call me if you need anything. I’ll be back at dusk."
"We’ll be fine, miss", Mrs. Moore assured. She probably wanted some time by herself, too.
"Thanks, Nellie", she said, walking backwards to the door.
She left directly to the beach. She decided not to swim with them — no, that would be too risky. She’d watch instead, safely, from the sand. As she approached the beach, spotting them crashing distantly in the waves, she sat and did just that. They all had their own surfboards, and she only hoped they had conjured them, instead of "borrowing" them from someplace.
Marlene and Remus were the first ones to come back. They waved and ran when they saw her, rolling themselves with their towels and joining her.
"Don’t you wanna go, Lils?" Marlene asked. "The waves are actually good for once."
"Oh, I’m good, thanks."
"You can have my surfboard", Remus offered. He looked quite pale. "Terrible sport, surfing. Only quidditch is worse."
Marlene rolled her eyes. "What sport do you like, Remus?"
"How about wizard’s chess?" he replied, which only made her snort back.
"Well, I think I’m gonna go back already", Marlene said, getting up. "I’d like to shower before rush hour. Guarantee some hot water."
Remus propped himself up. "Oh, I’m coming with you, then."
The other three were already returning from the water, so Lily chose to wait for them while Marlene and Remus went back. She’d decided to formally invite James for dinner; after all, it was about time she stopped using her friends as messengers. Besides, if she trusted Sirius and Remus to not complicate Harry’s situation, maybe she should trust James, too.
Sirius, however, was the first to reach her.
"Appreciating the view, are we?" he teased her, following her stare.
Only then did she realise she’d been gaping at James, who was walking back soaked and, of course, shirtless. She forced her mouth shut. "Shut up", was all she managed to say.
"Oh, no need to blush, Evans", he laughed. "I promise I’m not jealous."
"Careful, Black. Just because we’ve made up, it doesn’t mean I might not decide I want another eleven year break from you."
"Now that’s mean", he said, pouting.
Mary and James finally reached them, and Lily tried her best to focus only on their faces. They sat and chatted for a bit, watching as the sun made its way down the horizon and the sky saturated to orange. Even though she and James would sometimes meet each other’s eyes, looking away the next second, it still felt so comforting to be with her friends. She felt like a version of herself she had almost forgotten, one that was easy going and carefree. She had missed being like this.
When the breeze got colder, they realised they had to head back. Sirius and James were already making their way back to their tent when Lily called.
"James?"
He turned at the same second. "Yes?"
"Can I… talk to you?"
He nodded a few too many times. "Yeah… yeah, of course."
She swallowed when he reached her. Thankfully, he had his towel around his torso, so that wasn’t a distraction. But he still had those same, beautiful hazel eyes, with stupid long-ass lashes that made him look like a puppy when he blinked.
"So…" she stuttered. "I just wanted to formally invite you for dinner. And to apologise for not being the, um… best hostess this weekend."
"No, no", he cut her. "I should apologise. We bashed in unexpectedly and forced this reunion on you. During an already stressful weekend. So, I’m sorry. And I’m sorry especially for cornering you last night. I… Well…"
"No worries. I’m glad to see you, James", she admitted. "I really am. But this… it was still all a bit much."
"No, I get it."
They were both nodding repeatedly like idiots.
Lily finally stopped herself. "Thanks. And, um… no need to dress fancy tonight. It’s just us."
James smiled, and she felt her insides melt. "Okay."
"See you soon."
"See you."
When she turned, clamping her lips to repress a smile, Mary was already waiting with a grin. She didn’t question or taunt her at all, though, so they made their way quietly back to the inn.
They all took turns showering, and then finally went back outside to assemble the tables. They joined two long tables, so they could all sit together, and began decorating with flowers and candles. Mary lit up the string lights, and the whole garden looked just like heaven.
"Oh, how about some balloons?" Marlene suggested. "Or is that too cheerful for a going away party?"
"He’s not dying, Marls, he’s going to school", Mary protested, flicking her wand to conjure colourful balloons.
"Same thing."
James and Sirius arrived, changed and showered, and of course Sirius had brought his vinyl collection, which he immediately placed on the turntable. Harry finally came down, probably attracted by the music, and he and Sirius entered a lively discussion of whatever wizarding band was playing.
"Alright, let’s dig in", Lily announced, as she brought the appetisers.
They popped a bottle of wine open, and conversation glided as smoothly as the drink. Maybe it was the long table or maybe it was the reminiscing and retelling of old stories, but Lily felt for a second as if they were back at Hogwarts’ Great Hall. She didn’t usually allow herself to get nostalgic about her school years, considering all the baggage that also resurfaced with it, but it felt good to indulge. She looked at Harry, her baby boy, and teared up imagining he was about to live all that, too.
Everyone ate too much, but that didn’t stop them from cheering when Lily brought out the cake. She placed it in front of Harry and gave him a knife to cut, as if it was his birthday.
"Oh", Sirius exclaimed in disappointment when the first slice revealed the chocolate interior.
"I beg your pardon?" Lily said.
"Sorry", he was quick to say. "I just thought there’d be a colourful inside, you know, like maybe Hogwarts colours or something…"
Remus scoffed. "This isn’t a gender reveal party for Hogwarts Houses."
"Though a cake would be a lot more fun than the Sorting Hat", James came to his friend’s aid.
Lily started passing their plates around, serving everyone a piece.
"Are you excited to get sorted, Harry?" Mary asked.
Harry shrugged. "I suppose, yeah."
"Hopefully, you’ll be a Gryffindor like us", Sirius said, inflating his chest.
Marlene rolled her eyes. "Pressuring a child. Way to perpetuate family trauma, Black."
"I only meant that it is the best House…"
"All Houses are great", Lily told Harry.
"Exactly", Remus said. "Though there is a chance you fall into the same House as your mum; it is not uncommon for children to be sorted into Houses their parents once were."
James nodded. "Yeah. My parents, for example, were both Gryffindor."
"My mum, too", Marlene said. "But my dad was in Ravenclaw."
"Mine, as you know, were both Slytherins", Sirius added.
"My mum was a Hufflepuff", Remus said, "but my dad a Slytherin."
"So, basically", Mary laughed, "what you’re all saying is that it doesn't mean much at all. So you shouldn’t stress too much about it."
"Whatever", Harry mumbled. "It’s not like I know about my dad, anyway, do I?"
There was clinkling of forks being dropped, and the plate Lily was holding collapsed into a loud thud on the table. They all muted at the same time. Lily was stiff, frozen in place. She turned to her son, and he had a fierce look on his face.
"Harry", she called.
"I’ll go to my room", he said, getting up and walking towards the door.
"Harry!"
"It’s okay, mum", he retorted as he stepped inside. "You can go back to your school reunion."
Lily left out a choke. She kept staring at the door, hearing Harry climb up the stairs, too ashamed to even move. It wasn’t the fact that he had stormed off or embarrassed her in front of everyone that paralysed her. It was the fact that he was right.
She was the worst mother ever, and her son had just called her out on it.