James
The worst thing that I ever did
Was what I did to you
But if I just showed up at your party
Would you have me? Would you want me?
Friday, August 30th 1989
James was glad the roaring currents didn’t allow for much talking, for the needed time with his thoughts. It had all happened so quickly: the sighting of Lily’s inn, the unexpected reunion with Sirius and Remus, Harry’s entire existence. He still couldn’t quite convince himself that, after over a decade of occasional letters and clumsy run-ins, he was now sailing in a rented boat with his two former best friends. And, of course, Lily Evans’ undisclosed son.
He risked spying Harry once more. He was so small, so gentle, so delicate. And at the same time he was too big, too grown. James had spent eleven and a half years fantasising of thousands of possible scenarios of what Lily’s life could be like; some of them even included her having a family of her own. But none of them had prepared him for being presented that living, breathing child.
Harry looked so much like Lily it was frightening. When the kid came up to them, as they were making their way back from the beach, James had known instantly. He would recognize those green eyes anywhere.
Just as he was about to approach the boy once more, James noticed Remus’ state. He was paler than usual, staring furiously into the coast and gripping so firmly to the railing his veins were bulging.
"Moony?" he called. "You okay?"
James knew it before his friend could answer.
"I think I’m gonna be sick."
James turned to the mariner, who had introduced himself as Roy. "He’s gonna be sick", he repeated.
Roy only pointed to the cabin. "Toilet! Toilet!"
Remus rushed inside, James following behind. He waited by the door until he could no longer hear Remus’ regurgitating noises, then asked, "Moony? You okay there, mate?"
Remus took a few seconds to reply. "Yeah", he grunted. "Are we reaching solid ground anytime soon, would you happen to know?"
"I’ll ask Roy. Just one second."
Luckily, it only took a couple of minutes until they arrived at the first stop of the tour, which was a small island with only a narrow strip of sand. Roy got to setting up a wooden rowing boat for them to reach the shore, but Sirius had already stripped his shirt off and jumped in the water. Harry laughed and copied him, yowling all the way down.
James, on the other hand, accompanied Remus to the beach, where they took their shoes off and sat facing the water. Roy offered them bottles of water and, by the time Remus had emptied his, he had already regained some colour in his face.
"Better?"
"Loads", Remus said. "Didn’t know I could hate open water so much."
"Perhaps we should cut our tour short. Go back to the inn… get settled." His voice quivered by the end, and he gritted his teeth in return.
Remus nodded slowly. "Can you believe it?"
Sirius and Harry were still playing by the water, and they couldn’t help but smile as they watched.
"Not really, no", James admitted.
"You haven’t kept in touch, have you? You and Lily?"
"No. Can’t blame her for not wanting contact, though. We, uh… we didn’t end on the friendliest of terms. I said some pretty nasty things by the end." He had replayed their last argument non-stop since the day he had gotten the invitation, mulling over every word he had said. He still couldn’t wrap his head around the idea that Lily would ever want to see him again after that.
"Yeah."
James waited for follow-up questions, but Remus remained awfully silent for a while.
"Everything just felt so monumental back then, didn’t it?"
"Yeah", James chuckled. "We were idiots. I was one, at least."
"You were the best of us", Remus said quietly.
James was too stunned to reply. He had always felt his friends were disproportionately kind to him; he knew, deep down, he was not the man they thought him to be. None of them had been there when he had called Lily all those names, none of them had seen he had made her cry so desperately she could barely breathe.
"I was too harsh, Moony."
"We were kids. We took things to the extreme."
He didn’t understand why Remus was being so generous towards him. After all, Remus used to be so close to Lily back then; certainly he’d be more likely to take her side, too.
"I took it all out on her", James said. "It was unfair. She didn’t… she didn’t do it only by herself, you know."
"I know." Remus had his eyes fixed on the water. "But you forgave him."
James stared at his feet. He’d known he would have to dig up old memories by accepting that invitation, but it still didn’t mean it would be an easy feat. None of them had talked much about it at the time, and they definitely hadn’t talked about it since. "He… I knew he regretted it. And, at the time… I thought it was… almost noble of him to at least have confessed it. Or brave, at least."
He looked back to Sirius, who had now placed young Harry on his shoulders. It had been the worst betrayal of James’ life and he hadn’t known heartbreak as excruciating since then; yet he couldn’t bring himself to regret his decision to forgive Sirius. He remembered thinking their friendship could survive all of that. He knew, now, he hadn’t been quite right.
"I couldn’t stay mad forever. But… it was never the same after that, was it?"
Remus chuckled. "Not at all. Honestly, I remember thinking graduation couldn’t come fast enough."
"Is that why you disappeared, too?" James punched him lightly in the shoulder.
"I’m sure you lot were better off without me."
"Don’t say that. Besides", he sighed, "we all lost touch anyway. I still run into Padfoot when I’m in London, but only occasionally. And even Marls and Mary, we just… I know it’s cliché to say this, but life just got in the way. We start writing to each other less, visits start growing further and further apart… To the point where you’re embarrassed to even reach out, because it’s been so long."
Remus half-smiled. "Yeah, I get that."
"Did you keep in touch? With any of them?"
"I do see Mary and Marlene on rare occasions."
"But not Lily?"
"No. This is the first I’m hearing of her. I tried reaching her, once, right after we graduated. I called her sister, but she was not very helpful at all."
James smiled. He remembered Petunia from a couple of times when she accompanied her parents at King’s Cross, but she never seemed too pleased to be there.
"I wonder why…" he started. "Why she decided to invite us, after all this time. Why did she change her mind?"
"Do you think something happened?"
"I don’t know. Maybe. You don’t know…" James forced a lump down his throat. "You don’t know of Harry’s father, do you?"
Remus shook his head, smiling. "I’m as much in the dark as you are, mate. I found out about Harry’s existence at the same time you did, which was this morning, when he came up and introduced himself to us."
"Right", he laughed.
"Do you think something happened?"
"Do you mean if he left? Or… died?"
James shrugged. "Either, I suppose."
"Makes sense. It would explain why Lily is reaching out after so long."
"Could we ask Harry?"
"I don’t know. How old do you reckon he is? Eight, nine?"
"Around that." James liked the idea of Harry being younger — it meant Lily hadn’t moved on from him too quickly. But even that thought left a sour taste on his tongue; it was selfish of him to wish that she had been as miserable as him.
"A bit young to be dealing with all of this", Remus concluded. "We shouldn’t pile on top of everything."
"You’re right. I suppose… we could ask Lily. Once we get back to the inn."
Even as he said it out loud, it still didn’t feel real — he still couldn’t believe he would finally be seeing her again. He thought of the intensity in her eyes, of the freckles on her nose, and of the magic in her smile. It was a bright summer day, but it suddenly felt even lovelier.