Sirius
I persist and resist the temptation to ask you
If one thing had been different
Would everything be different today?
Friday, August 30th 1989
He should have known to dress better.
Sirius was never the worst dressed on any occasion, he always made sure of it. But he couldn’t always predict what kind of surprise activities one might end up suggesting, and he absolutely had not chosen the right shoes for outdoor hiking. In his defence, the invitation had come with no dress code or, frankly, any sort of indication of the formality of the event, so he had had to take a gamble. And Sirius just so happened to gravitate towards the fancier side of the scale, choosing to believe it would be some classier celebration.
"You alright, Padfoot?" James asked from the front of the line.
"Fine, thanks", he replied, not taking his eyes off the rocks in his path. "Bloody shoes aren’t helping."
James smirked. "At least you look proper."
"Quite right", he muttered. Sirius then unlaced his shoes and tossed them in the field to their side. His socks soon followed, rolled into a ball, and he smiled proudly. Walburga would’ve certainly frowned at him, and it still felt good to imagine she was watching him disapprovingly from somewhere in the ether. "There you go. Much better."
James chuckled lightly, and Harry had a quizzical look in his eyes. Remus was the only one who didn’t turn to look, taking the lead in the hike instead, which made Sirius’s stomach churn.
"So, Harry", he said hurriedly. "How long have you lived here?"
"Oh", the boy said. He was still staring at where Sirius’ shoes had fallen, but soon resumed walking. "As long as I can remember. I was born in Cokeworth, but we moved here after my grandparents passed. Mum bought the inn with her half of what they got selling their old house."
"Shit, sorry", the words blurted out of his mouth before he could think them through. He immediately covered his mouth, looking at James for help, but Harry grinned.
"It’s okay", Harry shrugged. "I don’t remember them. They died when I was still a baby."
"So it’s just been you and your mum since?" James asked.
"Yeah. We have Mrs. Moore, who works at the inn with mum. And my aunties come to visit almost every week."
James frowned. "I thought Lily only had one sister."
"Oh, I meant Aunt Mary and Aunt Marlene."
"Mary and Marlene?" Sirius repeated. "Are they coming, too?"
"Yeah, they should be arriving soon enough."
Sirius let a good laugh out. "Oh, this is brilliant! It’ll be just like Hogwarts all over again!"
No one seemed to share his enthusiasm, though: James only smiled politely, and Remus still had his back turned to him. Sirius felt like punching himself in the face. Of course it wouldn’t be just like the old times. They could never go back to those days, long before everything had gone terribly wrong.
"Did your mum or your aunts ever tell you about Hogwarts?" James asked.
Harry did not answer immediately. "A bit", he said at last. "She never talked much about magic or any of this stuff, really."
"Your mum used to be the best in our class", Sirius added, trying to lighten the mood. "Old Prongs here never really got over it."
"If I recall correctly, it was you who continuously harassed her when she got top marks at the Transfiguration OWLs", James reminded him, grinning. "And, actually, Moony was the one who was closest to her level."
Remus finally turned his head back, but he seemed to be purposely avoiding Sirius’ direction. "Lily was always too good for the rest of us", he said, flashing a smile at Harry.
Sirius had to look away.
He slowed his pace until he was back at the end of the line, and James kept talking to Harry, asking him questions about his life. Remus remained at the front, apparently too fascinated by the landscape, so Sirius forced himself to look at it, too. They were hiking off the trail, at this huge plot of grass atop the cliffs, and he could see the ocean on the horizon in almost every direction.
It was all breathtaking, and Sirius had to admit he had been enjoying it more than he should — he couldn’t remember the last time he had walked barefoot outdoors, and it did feel kind of incredible. Should he be doing this more often? He liked the busy city life, of course, but perhaps in a not so far off future he wouldn’t mind moving to the countryside. Perhaps he could buy a house next to Lily’s inn, and they could all be neighbours and go back to the communal lifestyle he had so dearly missed from his school years.
They began descending back to sea level. Sirius saw red-roofed buildings and a small port, with only a few small boats docked.
"Anyone fancy a boat ride?" he proposed.
"Is that possible?" James asked Harry.
Harry nodded. "They have all sorts of tours down there."
"Would you like that?" Sirius asked.
Harry’s face lit up, though it deflated almost instantly. "Yeah, they’re cool. Aunt Marlene loves sailing, she always takes me with her for my birthday."
Sirius had to refrain himself from pouting. He felt like he’d always been quite understanding with Lily and her wanting distance from the wizarding world. He had decided to not take it personally that she simply disappeared and apparently even had a child without telling them, but how come Mary and Marlene had gotten to be part of it? It would’ve been one thing if she had just cut ties with anything related to Hogwarts and wizards, but it was another thing entirely that she had kept close with the girls. It meant she had just decided she didn’t want them specifically in her life. Hers and Harry’s, that is.
"Well, Harry", he said, once they had reached the dock. He had decided on making a statement — he had years to make up for. "Pick any boat you like. My treat."
The boy's eyes widened. Before he could even respond, however, Remus spoke.
"Do you have any muggle money, Sirius?"
"Well", he stammered. "I… I have… I mean, everyone likes gold, don’t they?"
He didn’t look, but he was sure Remus was rolling his eyes.
"I brought some", Remus said, leading the group towards the dock.
"Brilliant", Sirius muttered.
They were still able to rent a private ride in a decent-looking boat. Sirius didn’t want the others to see him sulking, so he bent over the railing and pretended to watch the waves as they took off. Despite Remus taking his glory in paying for the ride, Sirius was glad that at least Harry was the one taking initiative — he kept talking to the mariner, pestering him with never ending questions on sailing and the sea. What a strange kid he was, Sirius thought. His younger self would’ve been climbing everything onboard until he fell in the water, or even trying to jump from the highest spot. But Harry was very mature for his age, and Sirius could only assume that was the obvious consequence of being parented by Lily Evans.
Remus and James were also standing separately, staring into the water. Sirius took the opportunity to leer at Remus for the first time that day — the first time in years —, taking the time to notice every subtlety. He still looked like the Remus he remembered, with his scars and his intelligent eyes, the familiar dark circles and kind wrinkles. He still looked like his Moony.
Except he wasn’t, not anymore.
As the silence settled in, Sirius started wondering if the whole thing had been a mistake. He had been overjoyed by Lily’s invitation, thinking he would be reuniting with his old friend, only to realise he hadn’t been the only one summoned. Running into both Remus and James, at the same time, had been the cherry on top. It was as if destiny was mocking him: silly Sirius Black, did he actually think he’d be able to run away from his past forever? Did he really believe he could ruin everyone’s life, break up their friend group, and still keep on as if nothing had happened?
Guilt spoke so loudly, as usual, that Sirius could barely hear the crashing of the waves.