Awkward Afterwards
James opened the door and we both stood there, kind of staring at eachother no one made a move. “uuh..hi.” he said, starting the conversation “hi” i muttered back “you’re back from the infermery then” “it does look like it, don’t it?” “yeah that wasn’t so abstute of mine” he cracked a smile. I didn’t think that things were going to… defrost that quickly, but here we are, james laughed a bit and i smiled. “can i get in my room now?” i said awkwardly “yeah sure, welcome back home Eli” “thanks..” there were still signs of my.. explosion, my bed was new but the wood was marked and so was the floor. I started getting my stuff ready when James realized what happened to my arms “ whoah- what happened to you..” “this is the concequence that i’ll carry with me forever.” i sad a bit harshly “that night wasn’t your fault Elias, i want you to know that-” i cut him off “oh yeah? Then tell me who’s fault is it, or those exact words, you could have told them to me while i was in the infermery. I was there for over two weeks and i didn’t even get a scrap of a letter. I thought we were best friends James, at least i would have expected a visit from you out of everyone!” i said, angrily swiping a lonely, angry and frustrated tear that escaped from my eyes. James wasn’t doing any better “I tried so hard to get in there, they wouldn’t let us in! And to be fair, last time we saw eachother it seemed like you didn’t want to deal with any of us anymore, so how the hell did you think I was i going to think! Or do!” “I.. I don’t know okay! I don’t know anything amymore! I just want things to go back to when no one knew, when we were kids!” “me too Elias, but the past is the past, we have to deal with the cards that we were delt with.” after he said that he took his book and slammed the door on his way out, and I sat on the floor and stared out of my window, hugging my knees. Between that and the suicide attempt the day already started and ended just fine. I didn’t feel like eating, i just really wanted to sleep and wake up and forget everything. I got changed and finally rested in my bed after taking care of my scars. They were kinda itchy and the cream i applied didn’t make it any better, but somehow i had to manage. I got under te cover and turned off the lights with my wand and dozed off to sleep. I woke up to a smell, it was sweet and nice and i open my eyes and on my bed stand there was my favourite, french toast with honey and some orange juice, and a hand written note that said
“Since you didn’t come back for dinner we brought you your favourite breakfast so you can eat something.
P.S.: Sirius also took some eggs and sausages for you, enjoy them before they get cold :)
love you, Your Best Friends.”
It was James’ handwriting but the smiley was one of Sirius’. I smile at the note and realize that they were all in there, sleeping, so i took the food and went down the stairs to eat in the dayroom. As I was halfway into the meal i heard someone coming down, and it was Sirius. I just froze there because i didn’t know how to deal with that situation “uh- sorry i- i didn’t i didn’t know you were in here” i put down the plate and then nervously shifted on the sofa and finished my mouthfull and then thought about saying something, but then what was there to say. He was also uncomfortable so he just went for the door ready to head out to his lessions. I still had a couple of days off of classes and could stay in the dorm or in the library or go outside, so i decided to head to the library, but before that, i got care of my arms and then headed out in uniform. My arms were still very very itchy and uncomfortable especially with the fabric scratcing on them constantly, because of course i kept my uniform with the sleeves down, so others wouldn’t see the fucking ugly scars i have.
On my trip to the library i felt like everyone was looking at me, whispering dirty little words to one another. I heard them snicker and mock me with their looks and curved lips in ugly faces. I thought that the teachers wanted to keep everything all hush hush but you know, words spread like fire on dry wood, especially if the gossip is good. I also bet that they were looking down on me, or pitying me or even just starting to despise me. All those thoughts were swarming in my brain like bees to a nest, and my chest was getting tighter and my breath shallow, like my steps that now are heavy. I try to get to the library which i luckily do and then hide behind a stack of books trying to scrape my thoughts together, but i coudn’t think and stop thinking at the same time, my chest now felt like trapped in a cage and my heart wanted to destroy it, everything hurted i- i couldn’t.. help.. i need, I need help! Help me! Please help me! “..lias..” w-what? “..lias..!” i- i can’t- “elias! Elias calm down i’m here!” i felt a pressure on my legs and all over my torso and i felt myself a little bit less anxious “there there Elias, focus on me. Feel me, ok? Just breathe calmly and feel me ok?” i moved my arms to hug the person that was onto me, he felt familiar, he smelled like grass and pine cones and resin and.. books. I breathed the cent in and it helped me reorganize my thoughts, i hugged him tight and ran my hand up and down his back, after i felt calmer i backed a little and i met a familiar face “Severus?!” he was basically onto me and he wouldn’t do such things in public, not even in private! “are you ok?” he said getting off of me, which helped me not to blush like an idiot “i’m better, yes..thank you, it seems that you keep saving my ass lately, what are you doing here anyways?” he tuck his hair behind his ears to get a better view, to my surprise he was wearing reading glasses “i was studying on some new potion school book, even though it’s pretty incorrect all the time, i have to keep adjusting the recipes and the dosages, especially those. It looks that the guy that wrote this book wants to have dead children on his hands-” he said scoffing a little. I smiled “ i would still not understand a thing, you’re the potion genius” i smiled again “ you should start teaching after you finish school” “i don’t think i’m fit for teaching, i’m way to timid to even stand in a class to rearrange the potions” he says, laughing lightly “well you could use a bit of practice, you could teach me” i say, giving him a small bump on the shoulder with my fist and i think i see him blush a little but then he dismisses me wish a shake of a hand “well i have to go, this book won’t correct himself” he says still a little bit blabbing and fidgety “i mean you could teach me right now, i could use some revising and i need to be a little chill for the time being. The cold always helps me think and i really like the potion class, i mean as in location, it’s a nice cold cavern” sev nods in agreement “i also like the cold and dark” “hey woah, i still like the sun and the light” “i guess we’re a bit of polar opposites” he says smiling “well i like that” i say, smiling too “shall we head out? To potion class i mean” “yeah sure” i said getting back up, still a little bit lightheaded and dizzy but much much less now. The feeling of calmness was washing over me, and it was like just being with him made me feel better about everything and put me at ease.
We got there after a quick trip and we slipped into a classroom that was empty except for the ingredients and the calderons, some dirty, some half corroded and others just straight up exploded. “Ugh, no one respects this place, it’s like they don’t even care.” Sev said making his way to start cleaning the mess that the room was “wait let me help you” I said grabbing a broom. Then we started cleaning everything and reorganizing shelves, no magic involved, specifically by my request because i like organizing things and putting everything into place, it makes me feel at ease and calm and it helped me regain control of myself, which i really needed. In a while everything is clean, neat and tidy so we actually start practicing instead of laughing and cleaning and mumbling songs. Sev’s hair kept bothering him so we decided to jinx a little box he had in his pocket to always store infinite hairbands so he could tie his hair in a small low pony tail. Some of the front hair kept slipping out of it, so he kept tucking it behind his ears and i looked at him every time he did that. Most of the time it happened while he was bending down to put away jars, or to scrub the floor and his hair kept getting in the way. It was something so hypnotizing about that swift motion of his hand and the way his profile looked and just his general aura “are you going to clean or are you just going to gawk at me for the rest of the afternoon?” he said, while checking the insides of a box that he was about to put away. I try to look everywhere except him trying to hide the fact that i was staring “you know i could feel your eyes on me, it felt like needles on my skin elias, so don’t try to act all sly about it” he told me scoffing lightly looking back at my very flustered self. “Yeah, you wish” stupid stupid stupid elias, “yeah you wish?” what a stupid comeback! “well, now that everything is clean we can start with tutoring, ok?” he said. Severus was acting a bit different from when we were in the library, he felt more confident, like he could breathe with a full chest, while i was getting shy and easily flustered. What a coincidence. I grab a stool and the ingredients that i need for the test and then i wait for him.
“so they are going to test us on the fire resistance potion, and the babbling potion. I just need to ace this test because my grades on this matter are… slippery and professor Slughorn isn’t exactly the most accondicending teacher. As you know.” he smiled at me and said that it was as easy as breathing, well for him at least. We got everything we needed and started with the babbling potion “so, first we need to pour the distilled water in the calderon” “all of it?” “yes, all of it” “ok” i say as i pour the water “then we need to add the alihotsy and let it simmer for 20 minutes, but first the water needs to reach the simmering point.” “so we have to wait?” “yes.” “well that’s boring” sev rolled his eyes “potion making isn’t a quick fix for everything, and it’s certainly not fast” “what can we do in the mean time?” “well i could explain the rest of the process?” he said as i groaned in response “hey, don’t be all skiddish like that, you asked for this” “fine fine, let’s just go on, tell me everything” i said, getting down from the stool going to stare at the water, waiting for it to simmer as seveus was breaking down all the points and steps of the potion. The water finally started to simmer and as I was about to put the alihotsy in but Severus snuck behind me and gently placed his hand on my waist, then he lightly cupped the other hand that had the 5 ozs of the alihotsy and guided it, putting the herb into the calderon, making my heart rate spike up like crazy and my cheeks and ears and neck became all rosy “you know” i lightly flinched as he spoke in my ear in a low tone “ you have to be careful while pouring the alihotsy in, you could spash the water and hurt your hands, they are just starting to get better” i was left brethless and my heart was about to rip my chest apart and run for dear life, i made the mistake of turning my head towards his face and he was looking at me.
Our faces were inches apart and i could feel his breath on my lips, he was looking at them and i was desperately trying not to shake under his touch, so i move in a little closer, and he inches closer to me too, tilting his head a bit and our lips touch. As our mouths meet the metal spoon from my hand ends up on the ground making noise but like hell i care, i turn my body to him and it’s like it knows what i have to do: i put my hands on his jawline and shoulder, pulling him further onto me. I don’t want to separate, i want to stay like this forever but Sev breaks this bond for a moment “I-” no time for chatting, right now all is going on in my mind is just “kiss severus, keep kissing him, never stop kissing, just kiss forever” so kissing him is what i do. Our lips meet again, again and again each kiss going from long pecks to actual deeper kisses. My hands are winding their way into sev’s hair, making his look much messier. However i’m not the only one being handsy, his touch is going all over my back and my tie, once neat now all over the place. He backs up to the wall and i follow him, and maybe push him a bit to the wall making him flinch but I go at his lips again, more hungry as the situation gets more heated. I unbutton the start of his shirt and he pulls up a bit my sweater, i place my knee in between his legs and he lets out a huff on my neck that leads me into kissing the fragile skin that lies on his neck, jawline and shoulders. I nibble a little bit here and there and he can't keep his hands off of my back and hips.
Suddently he pushes me away and he starts getting his stuff and tries to make himself look presentable while rambling about not making it and that he had to leave imediatly and so he does, leaving me puzzled with all the questions in the world swimming in my brain: “what the fuck just happened..”