Surprise! It’s My Fault.
I woke up in the infermery and i couldn’t feel anything in my hands, just some tingling numbness, like they fell asleep. I try to move my arms but a pang of pain got to me first. I look down instead and my arms and hands are completly covered in bandages that were red of blood in some spots. I wanted to scream and shout but i layed there staring at my arms, crying silently, no sobs just tears. I felt dead inside, for the things that i did, that Sirius did to me, i was overly furious. But that lasted about two seconds before feeling empty again, lying back down and staring at the tall cieling of the infermery.
After that, days blended together and time was blurred in the pot of nonsense. I mostly slept or looked at the cieling for the whole time, before one day madame pomfrey said that it was time for me to have my bandages removed. I thought about my friends half of the time, because the other half i was asleep, and I wasn’t surprised that they didn't visit. After letting myself go that much i would have hated myself too. In fact i spent all week just hating myself in silence, I did think about putting my miserable life to an end multiple times, and how i would do it, i mean it’s a hospital, things can easily kill you in here, but since i couldn’t move i would just stay there still, and hate myself, completely in love with the intoxicating pain i was in. It was so quiet, all that silence around me… I would only reply tho those routine questions some nurses would ask me then go back to the defening void of the silence and take in the pain, while repeating in my mind what happened that day, and knowing that i deserved every single moment of agony i was living. I couldn’t go over the fact that i let myself get used by Sirius and didn’t do anything about it because i was too lost into liking him, and even after what happened at the balcony i could just… disappear. I felt used and dirty, like a vile disgusting animal and i believed that. I knew that deep down i was just a sack of meat with no attributes. While these thoughts permeated my skin and soaked my mind, I got my bandages off. I saw how monstrous they looked. It was mostly scar tissue, but it seemed that the freckles grew back. Curse them. Even my "stars" survived when i would've payed good money to die. I couldn’t stand how ugly i looked and how my body was becoming this twisted thing.
After another while I got discharged and i onestly didn’t know where to go. I couldn’t go back in my bed because my...friends would’ve been there, i felt trapped with my one and only source of comfort being taken away. i didn’t know what to do, so i just went to the astronomy tower, to seek the resemblence of peace i would get staring at the sky, but when i got up there i just felt even worse. The tower was that place that saved me when my heart was about to implode and cave in, it comforted me and put me in a cloud of daydream, but it alsomade me think about him.. It forced me to remember his beautiful smile, his dark eyes shimmering with mischief, his beautiful hands, covered in bracelets, charms and bulky rings on his slim fingers.
Unable to stop those memories i started pacing around and getting my hands in my hair from the despair, then sitting agins the rails tp try and steady my always shaking hands, begging for my head to stop.
But it just got worse.
I remembered my first time with him, his joy while playing quidditch, his handwritten messages he would flick across the classroom when he got bored in history of magic.
Everything i held dear about him had been there, in a bubble of thought in the air and despite everything he did to me i still couldn’t rip him off from under my skin. I shakely stood up, my legs were weak and trembling. Then i looked at my disgusting arms, reminding me about that night i exploded.
At that point i was fed up. I took a shakey deep breath, shook my shoulders like i did before every match, and then stepped over the rails, putting my feet on the thin edge of the tower, with the rails cold on my stomach. I always loved the sky, i wanted it to be the last thing i could see, before falling to my death.
My heart was racing, i could hear it pound in my ears, my fingers cold, my feet numb just like my head. It felt like all the blood was circling in my core, close to my heart, like in every match. I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and after saying my last words i let go of the rails, letting the gravity pull me behind.
For just a moment i felt my guts sink in my throat, then my feet leave the stone, and the wind furious in my ears, whipping my hair around.
My eyes could only see one thing. The sky was beautiful, i’ve never seen such a deep blue and the soft orange of the sundown and my head emptied.
I remember that being my last thought.