Sirius knew he fucked up. He was aware. He should have been better at occlumency, better at hiding the Secret, should have been faster on his way back from his detention with Slughorn, he should have not engage with Snivellus, responding to his taunting. Not when Moony was waiting for him in the Shack.
See, he always knew he was a failure. Always knew that James, Peter and most importantly Remus would have been better of without him. He doesn't blame them for not wanting his explanations. For refusing to talk to him. For giving him the silence treatment. He doesn't blame James for telling him that he is not welcomed at the Potter Manor any more. Sirius was, for once, looking forward the summer. He will taunt his mother, rill her up until he gets the punishment he deserves. He surely doesn't blame Peter for staying with James and Remus. Sirius sides with Moony too.
But because he doesn't blame them doesn't mean he is not hurt. It doesn't mean he is not in pain, it doesn't mean he is not regretting that night and the actions that led to Snivellus discovering Moony's secret.
He can't get properly punished at Hogwarts, not in the right way. So he decided to start doing it himself. His mother would be, and maybe will be, proud that he finally did something smart. She doesn't need to know why though. He is now used to the sting on his body when he takes shower, when the dorm room is empty, or when he puts on his clothes, or when he takes them of after the wound scabbed on the fabric, making them bleed again. He is now used to the light-headedness, to the black dots, to the feeling of his erratic heartbeat. He likes the familiar dizziness, he recognize the headaches it causes, he welcomes the pain it gives. Sure he is now tired easily, and breathing is sometimes hard, but he feels like he deserves it anyway so he embraces it all.
He is also used to the pain in his stomach he has now constantly, he is used to throw up almost every time he tries to eat, and he always feels guilty when the elves are fussing around him. He always needs to bargain with them so they don't tell anyone. He can't afford anyone knowing. He knows that if someone learn what he is doing they will try to stop him, they will try to make him believe that it's okay. He knows that they will try to make him stop, to make sure he will stop. And he refuse that. He doesn't want that. He doesn't need that. So sure the elves can get a bit too much, and doing everything they can to help him eat a bit, trying almost everything they can find, but he preferes that situation being with only them then adding some human knowing.
He was chain smoking, up in the Astronomy Tower, back against the fence, under the heavy rain. The only things that he protected from the water drops were the fags and the lighter. He was soaking wet, the water was way too cold for the June's weather, the wind helping nothing except maybe colden him. He didn't mind, at least the rain was hiding his tears. Putting the butt of his cigarettes in the now empty pack, he sighed, pressing his head against the fence, and broke down in painful sobs.
He hated those moment, he was feeling like he was an impostor, taking away Moony's pain, and making it his own, when he has no right feeling like this. It's Remus who's hurt, it's Remus who's been betrayed, it's Remus who deserves to cry, not Sirius. And yet, here he is, under the rain, crying and feeling pathetic for daring to cry when it's all his own fault.
His breathing was getting unsteady, and suddenly he was hyperventilating and chocking to get air, and stars started to fill his sight, and he knew he had only a few minutes to calm down before he inevitably faint. Thankfully, he was in a stimulating environment which helped him to ground himself and to calm down until he was just having tears escaping his eyes. He upped his laps so his knees were under his chin and he hugged his legs, putting his forehead on his knees and crying silently. His fingernails were creating crescents on his skin, only stopped from drawing blood by the fabric of his trousers.
Worse of all, he forgot his blades somewhere on his bed, and he was too weak to perform the Lacero spell on himself. Casting a quick Tempus, he realized it was already three in the morning, so he quickly got up, took his stuff and started to carefully heading to his dorm room. Once there, he quietly went to the shared room and took some dry clothes and a towel before going to the bathroom.
Once clean and dry, he went to bed, closing the curtains of the canopy bed. He casted a quick silencing charm, and went to sleep.
----
He woke up several hours later, and wished he hadn't. Because they were all in the dorm. The weren't suppose to be, it was a Hogsmead weekend, and they always go to Hogsmead. That was he reason why Sirius saw no problem going to sleep in that room in the first place ! Carefully, he recasted the silencing charm, making sure that he was still inaudible. Only then he allowed himself to move and sit up. He took that unwelcome opportunity to search for his blades, that were still in his pillow. With a relieved sigh, the oldest of the room took one out and carefully placed it in his pocket, before putting the rest back in the pillow.
Eventually, after a long time, they finally left the room, and Sirius allowed himself to leave the bed after waiting another ten minutes just to be sure they won't come back. Taking some if his stuff to go work on his O.W.L.S., he then changed clothes and went to the school library. He worked during the entire afternoon, focusing on his homework, reading books, writing essaies, doing all of his upcoming works, even assignments that were due two months later. He will still need time to complete all of that, but with his evenings at Minnie in detention will be more than enough to complete all of that.
He only looked up from his work when Mrs Pince lightly tapped him on his shoulder.
"Mister Black, the library will close in a few minutes, do you have some books to register ?" She said gently. Pressing his lips together in a thin lines, he nodded and took his bag full of books with him and followed the terrifying librarian to her desk. "And there. I'm glad to finally see you study Mister Black, although I'm a bit worried. You hadn't left the library at all, and you missed dinner. Do you need me to make you a special slip to the kitchen before your detention ?"
Sirius shook his head no, and he then left the library. He didn't noticed the slight worry in the woman's eyes, nor her surprise as he didn't articulate a single word. He won't be talking anytime soon unless it's for class. His words caused too much problems. He hurried across the castle to Minnie's office, and knock at her door. After she let him in, he sat down and took his incomplete homework to finish them. By the time the third hour finished, he also had finish his assignment for the next two weeks, leaving time for the rest later.
Noticing this, wordlessly, MacGonagll gave him a few first year's paper to mark, since he was really good at transfiguration. As the sixth and last hour came to an end, the teacher came near Sirius.
"Have you eaten something today Sirius ?" She asked nicely. He nodded, but he knew he wasn't fooling anyone. Even Myrtle said he looked like shit. The professor gave him a box of biscuits and offered him a cup of tea. "You have to eat Sirius." She was the only teacher who called him by his first name, and he knew she was doing the same with Regulus and Barty. It helped them since they all hated their last names, all thanks to the trauma. "You don't need to punish yourself so hard."
He nodded, although he was completely disagreeing. But he liked her, and didn't want her to feel pity for him. After that, she let him go and he went back to the Gryffindor Tower, planning on working all night, already knowing that he won't be able to sleep. Thank Merlin it was way after curfew, so late that even the Prefects weren't doing their rounds around the castle.
He finally arrived in the common room, and sat down in his favourite corner, near the window but still close to the fireplace place that was happily burning the firewood. Putting all his stuff on the table, he continued the work he had, deciding that 'later' was now. He was once again so focused on his assignments that he completely forgot to check the time, and it ended in a concerned Lily coming at him to tell him that class is about to start. He just nodded, ignoring her worried stare as he was putting his stuff back in his bag, having a set of parchment ready to be given to his teachers.
"Sirius, are you... Doing alright ?" She asked him hesitantly, eyeing him with the almost same eye as Madam Pomfrey would, registering everything, from his eyebags to the glistening on his skin -sign that he was using a glamouring charm-. Not that Sirius noticed. He just vaguely smiled at her before nodding once again, enhancing her concern.
Before she could do anything, he brushed past her and hurried up to his first class, letting her alone and worried.
----
He spent the whole day fidgeting nervously, as usual when he is in the same vicinity as his past friends. He always felt like a burden now, and he hated being still here when he hurt Remus so much. He can’t bear it. He should’ve been expelled for what he did. So yeah, when he wasn’t dutifully taking his notes, he was picking at his scars, biting the skin of the inside of his mouth, while his leg was shaking up and down without him noticing.
And then, the class he was always dreading, potions, arrived. He always hated it, hating how Snape would look at him with that insufferable smile, and he hated it when they needed to do a potion by pairs. And apparently, today was that day.
“As usual, I prepared the pairs myself. So, Mr Snape and Mr Pettigrew, Miss Evans and…” Started Slughorn as he was reading his list from his piece of parchment. “… -onald and Miss MacKinnon, Mr Black and Miss Meadowes…”
So he was being paired up with Dorcas. It could have been way worse than one of Regulus best friends, and he was grateful that she was the one he was going to spend the next four hours with. He took his bag and made a bee line to the Slytherin, who was waiting for him, her textbook already open. When he sat down, she looked up at him, and concern flashed in her eyes.
Great. He think bitterly.
“Hello Black. You look like shit.” Greeted the girl, trying to mask her worry with aggression. Yeah, she is definitely Regulus friend. Still not ready to talk, he simply glared at her, before rolling his eyes. It didn’t had the expected effect, making Dorcas frown. “Why aren’t you talking ? You’re supposed to be an annoyingly obnoxious little shit.” Wondered the muggle-born as she was detailing Sirius up and down.
The Gryffindor just ignored her and proceed to read the instructions and recipe of the potion. The Draught of Peace huh. Particularly difficult to do. He wrote all the ingredients they’ll need, and stood up to go search them up. Dorcas just sighed and started to prepare the table, setting her cauldron and the fire up.
In a concentrated and careful silence (thanks to a Silencio charm), they proceed to make the potion, following the instructions religiously. Then came the stressful moment to add the syrup of hellebore. They put the two drops in, and sighed in relief when the silvery vapour escaped from the cauldron. The potion brewed, they put out the fire, and started to clean up the table, before Dorcas left the boundary created by the silencing charm to fetch the professor.
Left alone for now, Sirius looked around him. Lily and Crosswell seemed to be almost done, and Sirius was happy to notice that Lily seemed to be alright. Sure Crosswell is a muggle-born too, but loads of Slytherin students, even muggle-borns, accept and spread that pure blood bullshit, although it was probably just to protect themselves from the blood supremacists children.
Marlene and Mary looked like they were struggling, and he could see green sparks coming out of the cauldron. They looked distressed, and Slughorn immediately vanished the content, after lecturing the girls. Then, as Dorcas was coming back with the teacher, he heard an explosion, and the characteristic shriek of Peter as his robes started to burn. James, the nearer person, promptly casted the Aguamente charm, drenching Pete and stopping the fire. Sirius looked at Snape, who was Pete’s partner in this, and he had to bite down a smirk. He looked like shit, and absolutely furious at Peter.
After that eventful moment, Slughorn finally came, and by the look on the professor’s face, they nailed the potion.
“It’s absolutely perfect, good job, both of you. Twenty points for Gryffindor and Slytherin.” He said with a satisfied smile. He then gave them the assignment to put the entire thing in vials and then to clean the cauldron since they had about an hour left.
“So. Sirius.” Started Dorcas after the third vial filled up. (They’re going to spend do much time on this task !) “Why are you not talking or being obnoxious.”
The former beater of the Gryffindor Quidditch team sighed lightly, and tried to buy time by closing the vials, ensuring that not a single drop can leave the inside of it. When it became clear that Dorcas is not going to let it go, he scribbled something on a piece of parchment.
Do you know BSL ?
She shot him a weird look, seeming startled that he, Sirius Orion Black, could possibly know the British Sign Language. It was something common in pure blooded family to know sign language, and especially in blood supremacists and (most of the time) abusive family, where the punishments often leads to voice loss. His uncle Alphard taught it to Bellatrix, who then taught it to her sisters. Then Andromeda taught Sirius, and Narcissa taught Regulus. In exchange, when they were younger, Regulus taught it to the Rosier twins, and so on, so every children of the Sacred 28 could know it.
Well, not all families. Peter never learnt, but his parents didn’t really care about sign language. And Marlene and James tried to teach him, but he never put the effort, so. And while most of the families learnt the French and British one (like the Black, Rosier, or Malfoy’s ones), Marlene learnt the German and British one, and James learnt the Indian one (thanks to his mother’s origins) and Spanish one (thanks to his father’s origins) along with the British one. So, yeah, he knew BSL.
But know he wanted to know if Dorcas knew.
He looked at her, and when she didn’t answered, he tapped the parchment lightly, redirecting her gaze to the question. She looked at it again, and rolled her eyes before nodding. So, after he finished filling up the vials in front of him, he gave them to the Chaser and then proceed to start signing.
‘Why do you know BSL ?’
She looked at him, confused.
“What did you sign ?” She then asked. Oh. Okay. She probably just know a few basics for now. He tried the same question, but spelling it, and she seemed to understand. “Oh, I recently asked Barty and Pandora to teach me so I could communicate better with Reg when he goes non-verbal. That’s why I only know a few basics.”
Sirius nodded, while talking the cauldron and emptying it for a bit, trying not to put some on the table, and he pushed them toward the girl, before doing it all over again. Or, tried to.
“Sirius.”
Sighing, he proceed to spell a very watered down version of why he is being rejected and alone.
‘I did something shitty that led to a dangerous situation and dangerous outcome, and people are rightfully mad at me.’ He then went back to the task.
“Wait do you mean ? Because, well, Marl- MacKinnon told me that she was worried about you and everything, so I started to sort of stalk you, and I’m a tad concerned for you Sirius.” She looked away at the Marlene part, as if the fact that Marlene was telling someone else than Mary her concerns wasn’t showing anything. He figured out that they were dating three months ago, he’s not that stupid. He also know that his brother and his be- and James were also dating. But it was funny seeing them trying to hide it from him. They still try now, but it’s for another reason.
‘While it’s nice knowing someone cares for me, you don’t need to Meadowes. I’m fine.’
She frowned, then rolled her eyes.
“Sirius, you are definitely not.” She stopped, before leaning towards him, and she whispered “Your brother is worried too.” with a sad tone. This made Sirius smile sadly.
‘Don’t worry about me. It’s better for you.’
----
She thought about that moment for months after that, seeing again and again the sad glint his his eyes, that hid his determination. She spent months thinking about what could she have say so he would have believed her. She should’ve followed him that day, should’ve pushed him, pushed his button and forced him to talk and break in that classroom. Alas, it didn’t happened. Alas, he thought she was just pretending.
----
On the train once again, Sirius was looking outside, feeling drained. Besides some moments with the girls, he kept being ignored, and he just wanted to be the centre of someone’s attention, even if it means riling his mother up and ending up bloodied and unconscious on the carpet. He spent half of the year doing whatever the fuck he wanted since he thought he was free from his family, since he thought that he would be welcomed at the Potter’s with a hug from Effie and not at Grimauld Place with the Cruciating curse from his mother.
And that’s exactly what happened.
He spent the whole summer doing everything he could think of, just to be seen by his parents, ending up with horrifying wounds, that it made Kreacher throw up when Regulus ordered him to heal his brother. He spent days starving in his room, almost bled out a few times, even stayed unconscious for a whole week and a half after a particularly harsh punishment.
At the end of the summer, he was the ghost of who he was before.