What kills the heart? (Dune)
After the battle of Arrakeen and the imprisonment of Harkonnen's Baron-Feyd-Rautha, I had thought I had learned everything there was for me to know. I had thought I grasped what I was, What I stand for, for the people of Arrakis. But now I get up from my bed and look at the sleeping figure of my wife, I doubt the choice I'm making. As Muad'Dib, I am supposed to be an unwavering symbol of perseverance for my people. And yet...
"Muad'Dib? Out of your chambers before the sun again?" Chani questioned me, making me stop in my tracks.
"Chani...I am to speak with the Baron- As he requested to see me." I said apace.
Her glowing blue eyes seemed to burn into mine, seeking my intentions.
"I question why you are following the request of the likes of...him?" She probed for more information again.
"He should be subservient to you, as you had not spilled his water on the sands of Arrakis in mercy. Yet he has the gall to request your presence?" Chani had reasoned. Her brows furrowing at just the thought of the Harkonnen with breath still in his lungs.
"The only mercy would be for my life's end in the Baron's eyes," I knew this statement to be true. Feyd-Rautha had not said such precisely aloud, but it was not difficult to guess. The sadistic pleasure in his eyes while swiping the emperor's blade--His sharp teeth gleamed with excitement at the sight of cuts spilling blood from where I failed to protect myself from his attacks.
"I will kill you!" He voiced raspily. He readied to pounce once more.
Blood. Sweat. Determination. Malice.
It was all that made Feyd. Like an animal, he roared with jeer and clawed with knives, yet we all bleed the same. If my mother had been obedient-giving my father a daughter, I would be the wife to the Harkonnen. Just a simple act of gender had twisted our intertwined fate. Back on my home planet, every offhand daydream thought, and then once a fortnight dream. I imagine what my life would be like if my mother obeyed. Would I and the Baron still become mortal enemies, or would our marriage be pleasing? How would our offspring-
"My lord?" Chani said with a slight wave of her hand in front of my face.
"Oh- Forgive me. The night still calls for my rest." I rubbed my forehead for a moment in emphasis. I feel blood rushing to my ears after allowing me to daydream while talking with someone.
"Then you should rest, my lord. The Baron cannot go anywhere. You do not have to speak to him now." Chani urged me, her hand grabbing mine and bringing it close to herself gently.
"That would be bad manners. Despite The Baron's lack thereof, I will not model upon them." I said firmly.
Chani looked down at our joined hands silently. It's been some time since we've engaged in a proper conversation. It's been a while since we've even looked at or touched one another. She squeezed my hand gently, and so did I- but just as I took my hands away.
"I must go now," I whispered to her.
She looked up at me with downcast eyes.
"Of course...Usul."
Her sadness hurt me more than a delphic box I forced my hand into. I refused to let another word escape my lips. I turned away and continued my walk. I felt cowardly. I felt ashamed. The ache of uncertainty rises in my gut once more. Such emotions should never befall the Muad'Dib. But it has. So what was I to do about it? I could turn the other way and claim my love for Chani. I could hold her close and tell her I will never leave her alone again. I will reassure her. Even with a wife, she is still the one I treasure more than all the water in Arrakis. I should turn around and do so right now.
But I do not. I feel Chani’s stare burn into my skull. Her beautiful glowing blue eyes sears the flesh from my head with her gaze. I continue walking.
After a walk full of anxious thoughts that seemed like forever, I finally arrived holding cells. I nodded to a few guards and made a swift yet authoritative hand gesture as a sign that they were relieved of their duties. Despite my magisterial command, edginess took hold of me in a vice grip as I opened and swiftly entered the cell that contained Feyd-Rautha.
"Ah, I had not expected you to climb down your little throne and speak with a lowly prisoner,"
Feyd-Rautha croaked out with a dry mouth. He was sitting at the edge of the tiny bed with his head downwards. Fingernails scratching the sheets of his cot slowly yet jagged.
"You had requested to see me. It is only polite that I'd come." I responded swiftly. Feyd-Rautha hummed with the false agreement. I knew a lazy grin spread across his face without having to see it.
"How kind of you, Atreides." He says with obvious sarcasm.
"I could just leave now and not hear you voice your snarky comments. As Muad’Dib, I have many duties. This meeting was out of selflessness you seem to be very aware of." I stop my sentence to give him a look in emphasis.
"Do not test my patience, Feyd-Rautha," I said with warning.
Finally, he lifts his head. His neck cracks as he craned his tired neck upwards.
"I would never dream of it, My lord," Feyd replies with obvious sarcasm,
"How could I- a lowly captive- try your patience? One would be a fool to do so. The horror of the thought leaves me shaking in my skin."
Feyd had continued with a sneer.
I had just about enough of him. Even while held captive, unarmed, and principally stripped of the title of heir to the planet of Giedi Prime’s Barron, Feyd would never admit defeat. I felt my hands clenched tightly into fists at the frustration of it all. Damn him and his wild and piercing eyes looking up at me, his jeering voice, his crooked smirk and furrowed brow.
Everything about him, one way or another, held a way to mock me, it seemed. He is frustrating. He is rotten to his very being. I find myself charging at him, bringing my hands up to his face with exigence, yet at the same time softness, and then I smash my lips into his cracked and dry pair.
Our mouths move in sync as if it were a practiced dance. Our hands explore each of our bodies. The feeling leaves tingles against my flesh that becomes exposed to the hot air of the cell. Our breath is as rapid as our movements as sweat drips from our pores. We embrace tightly, like mating pythons coiled together. A gasp escapes my mouth as Feyd unlocks our lips and bites love marks into my skin with an unfair amount of precision.
"The life of a prisoner suddenly does not seem so appalling,"
Feyd stops only to lick up my navel. I can practically hear him purr at the taste of sweat from my neck. The perverted snake.
"It is good you allow me to defeat you like this. Even the spice knows no woman, no matter how much you hold close, will make you feel the same as I will. As I have."
Feyd purrs those last words into my ear with a hard breath as he slowly removes my briefs. I let this happen, and I take it all. I take all of him, as he does the same.
Flashes of Chani's glowing eyes strike me almost as hard as Feyd thrusts.
I feel shame as if she's watching us. Her cold eyes would hold the forms of judgment and disgust as I allowed myself to be open to the poison of my blood.
Feyd's kiss brings me back from the edge of my mind, and I forget my shame, just in this moment.
Fear is the mind-killer, but what kills the heart?
A heart already torn but filled.
With poison, with sin.
As I lay next to the snoring Harkonnen, I had ideas as to what.
But I choose to forget, just in this moment, as the sweep of sand across the dunes of Arrakis carries me to slumber.
.
.
.
.
FIN