Struggling
Evie’s gone to the library today to have a bit of reading time. Wynn has been encouraging that, and is on mum duty while she’s out.
But she’s having one of her days when she feels like everything’s wrong. It feels like Evie’s left to get space from her. Wynn feels like she’s not doing enough as a wife or a mum. She feels like a terrible sister and aunt, too, but not really for any particular reason. Ana’s fussing and she doesn’t know how to help. It’s starting to make her frustrated and stressed, and more than a little guilty. She sort of wants to run away. She really wants to drink to take the edge of the panic building in the back of her head.
She knows she needs to call for help - either Hendrich or Sara or Brom or even Evie, but she doesn’t. Not until she finds herself in the kitchen with a glass of whiskey filled to the brim, ready to down it as Ana screams in her crib. Wynn catches herself as the liquid sloshes over her shaking hand and stings a cut she didn’t know she had. She stares at her own hand, wondering when she made the decision to do this, and when she got so overwhelmed she thought it was necessary, and when she started thinking about where Evie hid the meds from after Ana’s birth.
It’s that thought that scares her enough to pick up the phone.
“Hello?”
“Clara,” she rasps. “I need Evie, please.”
“What-”
“It’s Wynn. I need Evie.”
“Alright, hang on-” she says.
Wynn holds her phone and the countertop in a white-knuckled grip, shaking with the effort of holding herself back while she waits for Clara to find Evie and have her pick up the phone. She waits one-hundred and fifty eight seconds before there’s a soft click.
“Wynn?” Evie asks. She sounds confused, but not too worried.
“Ev,” she says, voice tight.
“What’s wrong?” Evie says, suddenly sounding a lot more alert. And a lot more anxious. “Lieverd? What’s wrong? Is it Ana? Is that her crying-”
“She’s fine. She’s safe,” Wynn gets out. “But I need you. Please.”
“Okay. What’s wrong-”
“Ev. I just need you to come home, please. Now. As fast as you can.”
“Wynn-”
“Evie, please,” she says sharply.
“Okay. Alright. I’ll be there in three minutes. Count for me, okay?”
“Okay,” Wynn nods, and then Evie’s gone.
One hundred and forty three seconds later, Wynn can hear Evie’s footsteps on the path, moving at a run. It’s only another ten or twelve before she comes bursting into the house, looking around frantically.
Wynn hasn’t moved. Ana’s still crying, but she’s quieting down a bit, seemingly tiring herself out.
Evie stands still, looking at Wynn and the way she’s gripping the countertop. She’s frozen, eyes darting toward the doorway that leads to the hallway where Ana is. She’s torn. She knows Wynn needs her, but she can’t ignore her baby.
Wynn catches her eye and looks at her pleadingly, and that’s enough for Evie to make a decision. She strides forward and pushes the glass full of liquor straight into the sink. Wynn hears it crack as it strikes the bottom of the basin. She grabs the bottle and knocks it into the sink as well, letting it spill out down the drain, then steps towards Wynn, not quite touching her yet.
“Anything else?”
Wynn shakes her head stiffly. “Want your meds but don’t know where they are,” she mutters, jaw tight.
“Gone,” Evie answers. “Got rid of them ages ago. There’s nothing you could take here or at the pub or at Brom’s,” she says. Her eyes flick to the hall again, towards Ana’s sniffles, then back to Wynn.
“She’ll start up again if you go in there,” Wynn warns her, voice flat.
Evie bites her lip, conflicted. She needs to check on her, but she knows Wynn is right. If Ana sees Evie right now, she’ll kick off again and won’t calm down until she takes her out of the crib. She’s extremely attached to Evie, in a way that feels completely unfair and more than a little devastating to Wynn, at the moment.
“Evie,” Wynn says, her voice carrying that same hint of warning. She doesn’t want her to start Ana up again. If the baby starts screaming, Wynn might genuinely lose it.
Evie flinches, eyes flicking again. Ana whimpers, and Evie breaks, taking a step. “I’m sorry,” she says hoarsely. “I’ll be right back-”
Wynn scoffs and shakes her head, moving for the door as Evie moves down the hall. She slams it behind her as she steps into the garden and starts heading for the woods.
Evie’s only gone for a minute. She goes in Ana’s room and immediately sets her off screaming again, but gets herself tied up in a wrap and gets Ana settled inside it, soothed by being in close contact with Evie. She’s back in the kitchen only a minute later, but Wynn’s long gone by then, and her phone and wallet and keys are still on the table by the door.
“Fuck,” Evie mutters. She picks up Wynn’s phone and calls the pub first. “Hey, it’s me,” she tells Hendrich. “Wynn’s… I don’t know what’s wrong, actually, but she’s upset. She left, just now. Keep an eye out for her, will you? And call her phone if she shows up. I’m going to go look for her on the grounds.”
Hendrich agrees easily and Evie hangs up, dialing Brom. She gives him the same message, then slips Wynn’s phone in her pocket and sets out the door, locking up behind her. She takes Wynn’s and her own keys, just to be safe, so she can’t come back and drive off while Evie’s out looking for her.
It takes her nearly an hour and a half to find her.
She’s sitting on the hill Evie once brought her to when they watched the sunset together. She’s sitting with her knees bent in front of her, holding her head in both hands. At first, she just looks tired or angry or resigned. But Evie sees the stiffness in her posture and turns around, making for the pub as fast as she can. It takes her ten minutes moving at a good clip, but she makes it there and hands off Ana and a set of keys as quickly as she can to Sara with minimal to no explanation, then rushes off towards Wynn again. She hasn’t moved when she gets back, even though it’s been nearly half an hour.
She steps off the path, picking her way to the edge of the hill where Wynn’s sitting. She steps on a branch, which cracks loudly underfoot, and Wynn spins, staring at her wide-eyed while halfway pushed to her feet.
“Just me,” Evie calls softly.
Wynn relaxes and turns around again to stare out at the landscape, but doesn’t say a word.
Evie sighs to herself and picks her way closer, finally easing to a seat next to Wynn, but a good few feet away to give her space. “I’m sorry,” she says quietly. “I just needed to check on her.”
Wynn closes her eyes and covers her face, shaking her head slightly.
“I’m sorry, lieverd,” Evie says again. “But I’m here now. Just me. And I’m ready to listen and do whatever it is you need.”
Wynn snorts derisively, shaking her head again.
“Come on, Wynn. Talk to me,” Evie coaxes, shuffling closer.
“Just leave me alone, Ev,” she says tiredly.
“No. You called me. You said you needed me. You did that for a reason, and I’m not leaving you alone-”
“You had no problem leaving me alone earlier,” Wynn snaps. “And for two hours now.”
Evie bristles. “I couldn’t just ignore our baby, Wynn! And I was looking for you! You didn’t exactly tell me where you went!”
“No, but you kept her while you looked for me,” Wynn bites out. “Couldn’t stand to be parted from her?”
“She’s our daughter, Wynn-”
“And I’m your wife and I told you she was fine!”
“You didn’t say she was fine!” Evie shouts. “You just said I was going to kick her off again if I went in there! But I had no idea how long she’d been crying like that for or what had happened. I couldn’t just ignore her!”
“Do you really think I would have left her if something were wrong with her?! She was fine!”
Evie doesn’t answer, which is answer enough.
“Wow,” she scoffs, “Lovely to know what you think of me as a parent.”
“Wynn-”
“No, Ev,” she snaps. “I don’t want to hear you lie. Just go,” she says tiredly, setting her head back down. “I’ll come home later.”
“I’m not leaving you like this,” Evie refuses,
“There aren’t any pills to take out here, Ev,” Wynn announces sarcastically. “Only so much trouble I can get up to!”
“You wanted help, Wynn! I’m trying to help!” Evie argues.
“Yeah, I did,” she agrees flatly. “And now I don’t.”
“Fine, you don’t want me,” Evie bites out, trying to wrangle her hurt. “Who do you want, then? Brom? Hendrich? Sara?”
“I want to be alone,” Wynn answers flatly.
“Too bad,” Evie says, crossing her arms stubbornly.
Wynn doesn’t give in like she normally might. Instead, she shoots her a look. “Do you trust me or not, Evie?” She asks sharply. “Because if you can’t trust me enough to leave me alone right now, just go ahead and take this,” she says, pulling her ring off her finger and tossing it gently in her direction.
Evie catches it and gapes. It hurts more than she thought possible, to see Wynn take off a piece of metal. “What?”
“You either trust me to not ruin everything, and trust me to be alone, or you don't,” Wynn answers, staring straight ahead. “And if you don’t, then you can’t count on me as your partner or as a parent. So you might as well leave me now.”
“Wynn-”
“Don’t worry,” she says coldly. “What with my history, you’ll get full custody, no problem. Then you won’t have to worry about whether or not I’m taking care of her.”
Evie flinches, blinking away tears. She wants to get up and run away, to escape the sting of Wynn’s actions and her words, but she doesn’t. She doesn’t shout, either. “It has nothing to do with trust,” she says, fighting to keep her voice even. “I’m trying to be here for you. You called. You asked for me. I’m sorry I left you alone in the kitchen to get Ana. I was worried and didn’t understand and I couldn’t just let her cry. It’s not that I don’t trust you with her. I just didn’t know what had happened and I needed to make sure she was okay so I could focus on you. I was trying to focus on you.”
“That’s a funny way of doing that,” Wynn snarks. “Leaving the room to go focus on someone else.”
Evie sighs. “Lieverd, come on. Please. Just talk to me.”
“There’s nothing to say-”
“Tell me what you wish I had done, then,” Evie pleads. “When I got home. Tell me what I should have done. Tell me so that I know what to do, if this ever happens again-”
“I needed you, Evie! I needed you to help me!” Wynn shouts, shoving the heels of her hands against her eyes.
“How?” Evie asks quietly. “How should I have helped-”
“I don’t know!” She roars, breaking into a sob. “I don’t know. I just needed you! I needed you and you left.”
“I’m sorry, Wynn,” Evie whispers. “I just- you called me and I could hear her screaming and you wouldn’t tell me what was wrong, you just told me to run. I thought it was Ana- I thought something had happened. And when I got home and you looked like that and you were just letting her scream- I didn’t know what happened but it was scaring me. I knew you weren’t good, but I at least knew you weren’t hurt. I didn’t have any idea what happened with her or if something had happened that set you off,” she rambles. “I didn’t know. But I- I just needed to check, to reassure myself. It wasn’t about not trusting you, but I wasn’t going to be able to focus on you to help if she was still crying. And if she went quiet, I would be worrying about that, too,” she says desperately. “I was just going to grab her and come right back. I put her in the wrap and everything, so she’d just go to sleep,” she explains. “I was coming right back.”
“You left,” Wynn sobs, shaking.
“I know,” Evie whispers, scooting closer. “But I was coming right back.” Evie reaches out tentatively, resting a gentle hand on Wynn’s back. “I was coming back, lieverd.”
Wynn sobs silently, taking a few gasping breaths, but otherwise just silently shaking and trembling. Evie just sits and rubs her back in big, slow circles as she waits. When Wynn’s posture relaxes marginally, Evie reaches out and tugs her left hand into her lap and slides Wynn’s ring back onto her finger as she watches tearfully.
“I’m not leaving you,” she says firmly, looking Wynn right in the eye. “I’m not leaving and I’m not taking your baby from you. You're her mum. You’ll always be her mum. And you’ll always be my wife, Wynn. We promised, and I meant it,” she says. “Did you?”
Wynn nods, sniffling.
“Alright, then,” Evie nods. “It’s settled.” She squeezes her hand, getting her attention with a serious gaze. “Don’t ever give me that back again,” she says, nodding to her ring. “Not unless you’re actually done.”
Wynn stares for a moment, then nods sheepishly and bites her lip, blinking away tears.
“Tell me how to help you,” Evie says finally, after Wynn shifts awkwardly and looks away again. “What do you need?”
Wynn shakes her head. “I don’t know.”
Evie sighs, “Lieverd-”
“I really don’t know, Ev,” Wynn says quietly.
“Alright,” she nods. “Can you tell me what’s going on, at least? And maybe I can figure out what to do from there?”
Wynn scrunches her face. “I don’t know that either,” she whispers. “It’s just- it’s a bad day.”
“How do you mean? Just because we fought, or?’
Wynn shakes her head. “No. It was bad before that.”
“Okay. When did it start getting bad?”
“It didn’t really start,” Wynn answers. “It just is.”
Evie frowns. “I don’t understand.”
“I just- I feel bad today. I’m upset but I don’t know why. And it’s all- everything’s just so hard. Getting up, getting dressed. It’s all so much effort. And then you left me with Ana, and I know it’s my turn, but- everytime she cried I didn’t know what she needed and I couldn’t calm her down and it just felt like she wanted you. But she always wants you and not me, and I don’t understand why, and you wanted a break to go read, but it felt like a break from me, and it feels like Sara only comes to see the baby and Hendrich only comes to see you and I just- I feel like I’m disappearing,” she rasps. “I feel like I’m barely here.”
Evie’s brow furrows further. “How long have you been feeling like that, lieverd?”
“I don’t know. I’ve noticed all those things before - that Ana wants you all the time and Sara’s obsessed with her and Hendrich dotes on you, but it didn’t bother me. Not ‘til today. At least not that I noticed.”
“And the drinking? And the pills?” Evie prompts.
“I didn’t- that’s why I called,” Wynn says. “I don’t know when that crossed my mind but all of a sudden I couldn’t take the screaming so I put her down in her crib and then I was in the kitchen and I was about to drink-” she says, glancing at Evie, who nods. She knows. “And the pills - I didn’t look, or anything. But for the first time in a really long time, I wanted them, and that- it scared me. So I called you.”
Evie nods. “But nothing happened today? To make you so upset?”
“I don’t know,” Wynn says. “I don’t think so. I don’t remember anything. I just- I’ve felt bad since I woke up.”
Evie frowns thoughtfully. “Did you have a bad dream, or something? About me or Ana? Or something that happened before?”
“I don’t know,” Wynn says, shaking her head. “Not that I remember.”
“If there’s nothing-”
“I don’t know, Evie,” she says again. “I’m just- I don’t feel right.”
“I’m not sure how to help if I don’t understand what’s going on, liefje. Can you tell me what it is you need? I don’t really- I’m not sure how to help.”
Wynn cringes.
“What?”
“I just- I already feel like a burden. I don’t want to just tell you what to do and have you do it. I don’t want you to just be helping because you have to, or because I asked you to.”
“How am I meant to help, then?”
Wynn shrugs, biting her lip. “I sort of was hoping you would just… know what to do,” she whispers.
Evie frowns at her, but eventually nods decisively. “Alright,” she says, pushing to her feet and extending her hands down to pull Wynn up to stand. “Come on.”
They walk back to the pub slowly, Evie tucked against Wynn’s side as they walk together. She keeps a steady movement going against Wynn’s back, running her hand back and forth. They walk silently, Wynn frowning and biting at her lip as they get closer to the house.
“Come on,” Evie prompts her, taking her hand to drag her inside as Wynn hesitates outside the door.
Wynn trails after her somewhat reluctantly, standing silently in the doorway when they reach the den, where Sara’s got Ana on the floor, playing with a few blocks.
Hey. You found her, then, Sara says, glancing at Wynn.
Yep, Evie nods. She doesn’t offer any other explanation, even when Sara shoots another wary look in Wynn’s direction, who’s standing blankly in the door. How’s my girl?
Hungry, probably, Sara offers.
Did she nap?
No, not yet. Sara answers. Are you staying for dinner?
Not today, Evie answers. Need some family time just us, I think.
Sara frowns a little, but Evie shoots her a warning glance, so she doesn’t argue.
“Wynn?” Evie calls softly. “Come here, please, lieverd.”
Wynn looks up and wanders over slowly, frowning in confusion. She looks like she’s floating in a dream, a bit.
“Take your shirt off, please,” Evie requests.
Wynn stares.
“Off, please!” Evie prompts again.
Wynn frowns and glances at Sara, who sends her a confused look back, but Evie starts pushing at Wynn’s top herself, so Wynn shucks it off over her head and stands there in her trousers and sports bra, feeling a bit awkward.
Evie steps forward and picks up the wrap she’s taken off earlier and starts tying it around Wynn, who stands about as still as a statue, then plops herself in a chair when Evie directs her to, since she’s too tall for Evie to adjust things properly. When she has it how she wants it, Evie scoops up Ana off the floor, getting a happy little gurgling noise in response. She kisses her cheeks a few times, tickling her, then takes her straight to Wynn and lays her on the sofa next to her, getting her naked down to her diaper, then starts tucking her inside the wrap Wynn’s chest, tightening things up as Wynn sits still. When Evie has it how she wants it, she holds out her hands and pulls Wynn to stand again, adjusting a few of the turns of the fabric, then nods.
“She likes me best because I feed her,” she says. “And because she likes the wrap and being skin-to-skin, which is what we do when she eats. It’s got nothing to do with me, really.”
Wynn frowns, glancing down. “How do you-”
“Just trust me, lieverd,” Evie interrupts her. “She’ll stay perfectly happy like that ‘til she gets really hungry, and then honestly, she’ll probably just try to get you to feed her,” she smiles. “She just likes being warm and cozy and full. All babies do.”
Wynn’s brow stays furrowed, but she lets Evie say their goodbyes and drag her back out of the pub, carrying Wynn’s shirt and Ana’s little outfit in her hand that isn’t tangled with Wynn’s. She leads them home and directs Wynn to the sofa while she makes some tea, then brings a book over and sits down, gesturing for Wynn to lay her head in Evie’s lap while Ana stays wrapped up on her chest. She runs her fingers through her hair, loosening the knots, then starts to read aloud.
It takes less than fifteen minutes for Wynn to be asleep, twitching softly in Evie’s lap. Ana’s been asleep since before they got home, cheek smushed against Wynn’s collarbone, tucked up under her chin securely.
She gets to read for about an hour before Ana snuffles on Wynn’s chest and then scrunches up her face. She whimpers, then shoves her fist in her mouth and starts gnawing on it, squirming as best she can inside the wrap. She seems to realize where she is, because she pulls her hand out of her mouth and starts rooting around, seemingly very perturbed that she’s not immediately being fed like she normally would be.
Evie giggles softly. “Wynn,” she says, scratching her head. “Lieverd, wake up.”
Wynn blinks blearily, sitting halfway up before she realizes she’s still wearing a baby. She glances down, frowning as she sees Ana slobbering all over her sternum. “Wha-”
“She’s hungry,” Evie chuckles. “So I might have to take her for a minute.”
“Huh?”
“She’s trying to nurse,” Evie explains patiently. Not that Wynn doesn’t already know that, she’s just barely awake and very disoriented. “And unless you’ve begun producing milk in the last hour, she’s going to be extremely displeased here in a moment.”
Wynn blinks and turns, letting Evie pull Ana free of the wrap as she starts wiggling and snuffling in earnest, clearly feeling a bit put out by being removed from what she understands to be her source of milk. Evie rucks her top up, unclips half her nursing bra, and sets Ana at her breast, watching as she latches to make sure she’s set properly.
When she looks back up, Wynn’s staring openly.
“You okay?” She asks gently.
Wynn nods. “Could we- would you want to have a cuddle? While you feed her?” She asks softly.
Evie frowns. “Of course, liefje,” she answers. “How would you like to-”
Wynn answers by setting herself against the arm of the sofa and tugging Evie to lay between her legs, her back pressed to Wynn’s chest in one smooth motion. Then Wynn looks over Evie’s shoulder and very gently helps remove her top completely. It feels like it’s been a really, really long time since Wynn has felt Evie’s skin pressed to hers like this, and she finds herself trailing her fingers over Evie’s arms and sides and ribs as Ana nurses. She runs her fingers over Ana’s baby-fine hair a few times and puts a finger in her palm for her to grasp.
Eventually, Evie switches her to the other side, and she eats for a while, then falls asleep. Evie sits a little further upright, propping Ana up on her chest for a few minutes, then gets to her feet and carries her into her room, setting her gently in the crib. She manages to put her in a sleep sack without waking her, then pads out of the room, closing the door quietly behind her. Then she returns to Wynn on the sofa.
“I miss you,” she says hoarsely when Evie sits down and lays against her chest again.
“I’m right here,” Evie answers, closing her eyes as Wynn interlaces their fingers across her belly and kisses her shoulder.
“I know, but- I think that’s what it is. Why I feel… off. I think it’s us. I think… I think I feel like I’m losing you,” she whispers.
“Why do you feel like you’re losing me?”
“Because we hardly spend any time just us anymore. I feel like it’s always about work or watching Ana. I- honestly, I think that’s the first time we’ve had a cuddle like that in a few weeks, at least. We’re always taking turns so the other person can have a break but that means we’re never together.”
“Hmm,” Evie hums. “Yeah. I see what you mean.”
“I don’t want to lose you, Ev,” Wynn murmurs.
“You’re not losing me, leiverd,” she answers. “But I wouldn’t mind spending more time with you, just us. Even if it’s just me reading or napping together or cuddling while I feed her,” Evie says. “Maybe we don’t have to divide and conquer so much.”
Wynn nods, kissing her shoulder again. “I want that,” she says. “I really miss you.”
Evie smiles softly and spins in Wynn’s arms, facing her. “Then that’s what we’ll do,” she says, stretching her neck to kiss Wynn softly.
She reciprocates, pressing their lips together, then sits forward and slides lower on the sofa and rolls them, half-pinning Evie under her. “I’m sorry, Ev,” she murmurs, kissing her a few more times. “About today.”
“I know,” Evie whispers. “Me too.”
“No, I-”
“Wynn,” Evie says, running a hand over her face. “Less sad apologies, more kissing.”