Homecoming
Wynn and Evie and Ana are allowed to go home two days later, which Wynn finds slightly premature. Sara and Hendrich make a good show of reassuring her, though. Evie’s completely unbothered. She’s taken to motherhood like a duck to water, and has absolutely no qualms about bringing Ana home unsupervised. Wynn, on the other hand…
Wynn is stressed out of her mind. She’s worried about the car seat. She’s worried about putting Ana in it and strapping her in and putting the seat in the car correctly. She’s worried about supporting her tiny head and being too rough with her when she has to change her nappy. She’s worried when she sleeps, too, and constantly finds herself checking her breathing, just to be sure. She does the same with Evie, too, and hovers every time she gets out of bed, since the first time she stood after the epidural, she’d stumbled into Wynn’s arms.
In short, she’s a complete disaster. But she’s trying to keep it to herself. Evie’s doing so well, and she’s so happy - Wynn doesn’t want to ruin that at all.
It all comes to a head rather dramatically, when they’re home from the hospital. Sara starts cooking dinner, and Evie goes to shower, leaving Ana in Wynn’s arms. She sits stiffly on the sofa with her, holding her very securely against her chest and practically counting her breaths. Evie comes back looking refreshed and takes Ana, nursing her while she sits on the sofa and Wynn stands behind her to plait her wet hair off her shoulders, like she had on their first date. The thought of it makes her smile.
She takes Ana back when Evie hands her off for a burp, which leads to spit up making its way all down Wynn’s back and neck. She hasn’t quite learned to put the burp cloth down yet. Evie laughs and rescues her, scooping their daughter up into her arms and giving her a wipe down as she shoos Wynn off to shower. When she comes back, Evie’s fallen asleep on the sofa, tucked up under a blanket. She smiles at her softly, then panics, head whipping around for a baby that she doesn’t see. To her absolute horror, she finds her balanced in the crook of Sara’s elbow, right next to the extremely hot stove with active flames licking at the underside of the pan Sara’s stirring.
In reality, she’s in no danger. Nothing is bubbling or spattering, and Sara’s angled her body in such a way that she’d be the one burned long before Ana. But seeing her tiny, very fragile baby near a flame and being held in one arm sends Wynn right over the edge, and she’s shouting before she can contain herself.
“Sara! What the hell are you doing?!” She bellows, marching forward to take Ana decisively from her grip. It’s actually the most confidence she’s handled the baby with since she was born. “Don’t ever hold her like that! You’ve got to be careful! Both hands! And don’t bring her near a flame! What the hell were you thinking?!” She shouts.
Sara looks panicked, briefly, then confused, then angry. She signs sharply, in broad, quick gestures. One of them is a sweeping motion of her hand that swings through the air right by Ana’s place against Wynn’s chest.
Wynn reacts on instinct, her hand flying out to clamp around Sara’s wrist, squeezing tightly. She’s at least a foot from Ana. There was no way she was going to hit her. And she wouldn’t ever hit her - Wynn knows that. At least consciously. But subconsciously - she’s exhausted, she’s scared, she’s protective, and she reacted.
Sara makes a short noise of discomfort, tugging slightly against Wynn’s grip. She’s squeezing rather hard, actually. Hard enough to hurt. She stares at Wynn, who stares right back at her, breathing harshly. She’s shaking, slightly, Sara’s arm trembling in her grip.
“Wynn,” Evie says, approaching her slowly. She’s coming from behind her, and she knows she can’t spook her right now, so she says her name softly, long before she’s within reach.
It’s enough to shake Wynn out of whatever trance she’s in. She visibly flinches, and her eyes dart from Sara’s face to her hand. She lets go in a hurry, stumbling backwards with a look of horror on her face.
“Lieverd?” Evie says quietly.
Wynn spins and looks at her, both hands clutching the baby now, who’s crying loudly. Wynn’s eyes flick rapidly from Ana to Evie to Sara and to Hendrich, who’s standing just behind Sara’s shoulder. He’s taken up a protective position, frowning at Wynn seriously.
There’s another beat, and then Wynn makes a sort of gasping, choking sound and spins on her heel. She heads for the nursery and puts her back to the bookshelf she and Hendrich had built together and slides down it, curling her entire body around Ana in her arms.
Ana is still screaming, and Wynn huddles over her, sobbing helplessly. The door shuts quietly and Wynn’s head jerks up.
Evie looks at her carefully. “Just me,” she says softly.
Wynn looks at her for a moment, then bows her head again and keeps on sobbing.
“Can I come sit, lieverd?” Evie asks, moving forward slowly when Wynn doesn’t protest. She doesn't exactly answer the question, either, but Evie figures it’s probably pretty safe. She carefully lowers herself to the floor with a hand on Wynn’s shoulder, tucking her legs up under her to lean against her side. “You okay?” She asks, pressing her cheek against Wynn’s shoulder.
Wynn shakes her head, staying curled around Ana, who’s quieting down just a little.
“How can I help?”
Wynn shakes her head again.
“Okay. Does having Ana make you feel better? Or do you want me to put her in her cradle for a moment?”
Wynn’s arms tighten marginally, so Evie strokes a hand over her head. “Okay. I won’t try to take her from you, lieverd. She can stay right there.” Evie watches her for a moment longer, then taps at Wynn’s knees. “Straighten these out for me, love,” she says, waiting until Wynn does to swing a leg over her to straddle her hips. It’s a bit of a sore movement, but she shuffles forward, sitting as close to Wynn as she can. It takes some adjusting of the baby to rest on what remains of Evie’s bump between the two of them, and Wynn bends her knees again, but eventually, Evie ends up in Wynn’s lap, with Ana cradled between them. Evie sets both her hands around Wynn’s neck and scratches softly at her scalp, rubbing her head soothingly. “Deep breaths for me, lieverd. We’re okay. Ana’s safe. I’m safe. You’re safe. Sara’s fine. Hendrich’s with her. They’re not angry,” she says, when Wynn stiffens. “We’re all just a bit concerned.”
Wynn nods, taking a few shaky breaths, leaning forward to put her forehead on Evie’s shoulder, right by her neck. Evie wraps her arms around her the best she can, rubbing her back and stroking her hair some more.
“Deep breaths. That’s it,” she coaches, breathing deeply with her. When Wynn finally settles, Evie presses a kiss to her head. “Good girl. Now - can you tell me what happened?”
“I don’t know,” Wynn says miserably. “I just- I got scared. I panicked. Sara was holding her in one arm by the stove and I just got freaked out she was going to drop her or burn her or- I don’t know. But I lost it. And then when she started signing - she was doing it the way she does when she’s upset. Big and fast. And it- for a second I thought she was going to hit her. Ana. I thought she was going to hit her so I just reacted. I grabbed her arm,” she tells her. “I- I think I hurt Sara, Ev.”
“You didn’t,” Evie tells her. “It surprised her, more than anything. You were holding it pretty tight but she was fine as soon as you let go. She’s fine.”
“I- I didn’t mean to-”
“I know,” Evie says softly. “But that was a pretty big reaction to a situation where no one was actually in danger,” she says.
Wynn sags. “I- I’ve been really scared. About Ana. All the time since she was born.”
Evie hums wisely. “About what?”
“Everything. Dropping her, hurting her. About her just not breathing or being sick or- I’m scared something’s going to happen to you, too, and I’m not going to realize or I won’t know what to do-”
“Is this about the bleeding? After she was born?”
“I don’t know. Maybe a little but I think I'm just scared. I don’t know how to do this. And you’re so good with her and so confident. I feel- I don’t know. I’m just so anxious about everything. I feel like she’s too little. Like she’s fragile.”
Evie smiles softly. “I know. But she’s not,” she says. “She looks little compared to you, but she’s actually sort of a huge baby,” she laughs.
“No, she’s-”
“She is, lieverd. Do you remember how much she weighed?”
“Four kilos,” Wynn answers immediately.
“Do you know the average weight for a newborn?”
Wynn shakes her head.
“3.2 to 3.4 kilos. She’s huge,” Evie answers.
Wynn blinks, looking down at Ana, who’s sleeping peacefully. “Oh. She’s not- she’s not little?”
“Not for a baby,” Evie smiles. “She takes after her mum,” she says.
Wynn huffs a laugh. “I’m not that big.”
“That’s a lie and we both know it,” Evie counters.
Wynn huffs again. “Okay, fine. I’m a large person.”
“I know. Now - what can we do to help you with the stress, liefje?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well, hiding it isn’t going to help,” Evie says disapprovingly.
“I know,” Wynn sighs. “I’m sorry. I just- I didn’t want to ruin anything. You’ve been doing so well and I didn’t want to ruin her coming home by being anxious and worried and making you deal with me.”
“Wynn-”
“I know,” Wynn says. “I know. I just- old habits, you know?”
“I know,” Evie nods. “But we promised, remember?”
Wynn nods slowly. “I’m sorry, Ev. I should have told you.”
“Yes, you should have,” Evie agrees. “So now I need you to tell me.”