Chapter 1
Regulus ached.
He thinks he has been aching ever since he left his mother's womb. Aching for more than he could ever have, more than he has ever deserved.
He burns with it, skin feeling like someone spilled hot water all over him, insides feeling like someone has settled inside his ribs just to squeeze and hurt. He thinks it's his ancestors, perhaps angry that he is so wrong that they boil his blood and pull at his organs.
Punishing him for not being.
He wonders if Sirius is haunted with this too.
But then again he was always bigger than life itself, he absorbed all the dark and terror the family brought on itself and produced love and warmth, so maybe it's just him.
He thinks he was born wrong. Always aching, burning, feeling.
Regulus thinks he is smaller than life, almost insignificant. He would matter even less if he didn't keep himself in check for his family.
It's been a few days since Sirius left.
Regulus saw it coming, so he really couldn't understand why it stung so much.
It's been a few days since Sirius left.
Regulus saw it coming, so he really couldn't understand why it stung so much.
You can come too, you know that right? You can come with me right now.
Have a nice christmas, Sirius.
Regulus hasn't stepped on ice in a long time, so he didn't know why he felt the urgent need to be on ice. It's been years since their parents forbid them from skating. He listened
of course, unlike Sirius who never did.
Coward.
The december air was biting the exposed skin on his face, pale skin turning crimson.
Universitvy was closed for Christmas so he was really pushing his chances by going to the ice rink. He really didn't care though, he wanted to get far away from his parents, the house and everything that came with it so he didn't mind sitting outside and freezing, death would probably benefit him more than living.
Stepping on ice gave him a strange sense of relief that he didn't expect to feel, not really. He started out by testing the things that he could still do, which to his surprise was quite a lot and once he got the hang of it he just let himself freely do what he wanted to do.
I am only leaving for the summer, will you be okay here?
Yeah, I will be fine.
That had been a clear lie and he wonders if Sirius knew, if he was trying to believe in it just to not feel bad about going. Regulus hadn't expected Sirius to return home but he did, looking healthier and brighter while Regulus looked the exact opposite. He could read the guilt on his brother's face the second he laid his eyes on him.
I am sorry.
You shouldn't be.
Regulus was spinning, lost in his own head replaying all of the memories he had with Sirius. Everything usually consisted of his brother, his whole universe revolved around his older brother since the day his tiny, chubby hands had reached out to Sirius.
You know Reggie, my star will always watch over you even if it's hiding.
Little him was amazed, now at his age he is embarrassed to admit that when he needs comfort he finds himself remembering that.
It's you and me against the whole world, alright? No one will ever change that.
Regulus thinks it's the only time Sirius lied to him about something because someome did change everything. Someone who wasn't all wrong and messed up, someone that was a better brother than Regulus. James did, James changed evereything.
And where is he now?
Regulus doesn't know what happens or how it happens because one second he is sliding and next thing he knows is that his legs give out and he hits his head on the ice. Not even a minute later someone is kneeling by his side and trying to get a look of his head.
"Okay there is no blood but we should probably get it checked out"
Regulus can't understand why he recognzies he voice and the piercing pain in his head is to intense that he can't bring himself to open his eyes.
"Regulus? come on, get up" and suddenly someone is hauling him up by his shoulders. "I drove here so I can drive you to the hospital"
"What? no, no need to go to the hospital. I am fine."
"I would feel awful if it turns out to be something serious and your brother will probably smother me in my sleep"
And oh.
Regulus opened his eyes so quickly that he got dizzy, making the poor decision to pull away without realizing that the person holding him up was holding his entire weight which resulted in him landing on his arse.
That person being James fucking Potter.
"I don't need your help, I am perfectly capable of doing it myself" Regulus muttered and ignored James's hand reaching for him to help him up.
"Never said you were not, me helping you doesn't make you incapable" Regulus only glared at him in return. "Stop scowling, your face will get stuck like that"
"I am not scowling"
"If you say so" James shrugged, clearly fighting back a smile.
The thing was that Regulus was in fact scowling and Regulus was also following James out of the ice rink to his car, still with a scowl on his face. He attempted to not speak during the entire ride, making it his mission to ignore James' presence which turned out to be more difficult than he would like to admit.
James was attractive, Regulus knew this. He also smelled really good,which was a problem because Regulus wanted to get all up in his space and smell him. He hated it, mostly because he was not sure as to why he couldn't hate James and his whole existance. He kept looking over at Regulus and even if his eyes lingered just for a few seconds it was enough to make Regulus shiver.
"Are you cold?"
"No."
"You look cold"
"James."
"Yeah?"
"Shut up." James smiled at that and Regulus wanted to punch him because why is James so infuriating and why is he making it so difficult to hate him.
"Do you want to go over to my house and see him? after the hospital of course"
Yes, please. I want to see him and I want to say that I am sorry and tell him that he is the best brother ever and I miss him dearly.
"No, he is better off"
"We both know that you are wrong, he misses you"
"James, please shut up" and he listens, Regulus is so thanful that he does because if James had kept pushing Regulus would simply jump out of the car. The rest of the ride is quiet and pretty quick and when he gets out he doesn't expect James to follow after him.
"What do you think you are doing?"
"Accompanying you, what if you are scared of needles'
"I am not scared of needles James and they most likely won't run a blood test on me" James only shrugged and kept on walking. Regulus wanted to hate him for this too but he really didn't have it in him.
James sat by his side through it all, even got some snacks so they could eat something while waiting for the results.
"You know that you don't have to wait here, right? I called my dad he said he would pick me up"
"I am simply keeping you company so you don't get lonely"
"Don't you have anything better to do?"
"Believe it or not this is very entertainig for me so be quiet and eat your chocolate" And so Regulus did eat his chocolate in silence, trying to ignore the fact that James had guessed which one was his favourite.
By the time his results came back few hours had passed and he was far too entraced in his conversation with James about wasting his day over a mild injury to notice that his father's car was nowhere to be seen. James pointed it out once they reached his car after which Regulus called his dad, only to reach voicemail.
"I will just drive you myself"
"Thank you" To say that Regulus was embarrassed would be an understatment, because this once again was proof that he was inisgnificant.
"Don't mention it" James said it with a kind smile on his face. Both of them were quiet during the ride back, it was peaceful in the strangest ways possible. James stopped his car few houses away from Regulus' just to make sure he wouldn't get in trouble, which he appreciated.
"You know that I meant it, right? You can come over whenever, even if you need to stay."
"I know James, thank you"
"I will give you my number, just in case you ever need a ride again" He reached his hand for Regulus' phone
"You don't have to do that, we are not friends." Regulus knew he was being mean for no reason and part of him felt bad, but when James didn't move his hand he caved in and
gave him his phone, regretting it after he saw how James saved his own contact name. "Yeah I am definetly never contacting you"
"We will see"
"Changing this to 'self assured chad' right now"
"You wouldn't"
"Already did." James responded to that with a overly dramatic gasp and a hand over his chest, which made Regulus laugh, then blush from embarrassment. "Yeah, go home now. Little more of you and I will probably lose my sanity"
"Not true! I bet you had the most fun today"
"Keep telling yourself that, Potter" The thing was that it was true in a way, but James didn't need to know that. Not even Regulus was ready to admit that to himself.
"Potter?"
"Goodbye!"
When Regulus made it inside the house was quiet as usual, it felt hollow, empty. He knew his mother was probably in her room, he didn't bother to check as he made his way to his room. It was tidy because Regulus hated mess, it bothered him when things were all over the place or when his bed wasn't made. He always assumed that it came from fear of upsetting his parents with a dirty room.
He changed into his home clothes before laying down, staring at his ceiling. His head still ached however the dizziness had passed. It was a strange day, too much had happened and Regulus couldn't stop thinking about James. So much so that he had to bury his face into his pillow hoping to maybe smother himself so James would leave his head.
Who gave him the right to smell so good.
Or so kind.
Why is he so kind? Did he hit his head as a kid?
Regulus was suddenly far to aware of the newly added contact on his phone and his fingers itched for his phone. He was fighting it pretty well, that was until his phone lit up with a notification.
Sirius {18:03}
I hope you know that I am still here for you
You are still my brother
And I would be very happy if you came over
Regulus {18:05}
I am perfectly fine.
Your friend needs to stop making things seem worse than they actually are.
Regulus {18:15}
I will try to come.
Sirius {18:03}
He is just caring :(
And I hope you do, let me know reg
[seen.]
And well, Regulus doesn't know what to do with any of it. It feels too much and too sudden.
Does Sirius feel like he has to invite him over?
You are still my brother.
Regulus is crying, muffling his sobs with his pillow because at the end of the day he is still Regulus, wrong and twisted.
And his brother might still love him, he is suddenly seven years old again climbing the tallest tree in their yard because it's late and he wants to reach the stars.
And maybe Sirius is still waiting for him to get back down safely, because even if Regulus is all wrong they are still brothers.
The week went by slowly, Regulus mostly kept to himself and stayed in his room only leaving when he was being called down to eat. They didn't celebrate Christmas either which wasn't rare. Before Sirius left they used to get small gifts for each other without their parents finding out. This year's gift he had gotten for Sirius stayed hidden away in his bedside table.
Sirius called him really late into the night, startling Regulus in his sleep. He had wished him merry christmas, clearly drunk as James attempted to take his phone away.
"Is that Regulus? I am sorry- he is a very emotional drunk. Merry Christmas by the way" The call ended after that, leaving Regulus completely dumbfounded. He wasn't fully sure about where they stood but he was glad that they were trying even if it was complicated.
Then there was James, who he hadn't stopped thinking about. It was strange, going from not caring about someone's existence to spending hours thinking about them. But then again, who was Regulus if not obsessive. He was good at hiding it, growing up in a household like his taught everyone how to hide things, how to appear indifferent. So he would go downstairs to eat, engage in small talk and return to his room so he could continue rotting in bed while thinking of James. He was tempted to text him but he never did, he knew beter than to do something so foolish. James wouldn't ever see him that was, he would be polite and possibly reject him kindly because at the end of the day he was still Regulus, he never hoped for anything. Especially not for something as good as James.
He wasn't too excited about returing to Univeristy, he wasn't too fond of people after all. However, it allowed him to leave the house for as long as he wanted without fearing that his parents would give him trouble for it.
He skipped most of his lectures, finding a spot in the library so he could study in peace without any distractions. It must've been hours later when he saw a very messy pair of red converses coming into his view before sitting down by his side. He stayed silent, face buried in his book not bothering to acknowledge the person by his side.
"You know that it's rude to ignore people, right?"
"You know that it's rude to stare, right?" He retorted without looking up, making James laugh loud enough to earn few nasty looks from the people around them. "James you are embarrassing me, stop."
"I only laughed!"
"Exactly."
"You are so mean, why are you so mean?"
Regulus could tell that James was pouting just from his tone, so he didn't have to look up to see his face. Yet he still did, only to regret it immediately.
"What do you want"
"Just saw you sitting here all alone, thought I should keep you some company"
"Has it occurred to you that I am sitting alone because I want to?"
"Why would you want that?"
"Because I want to study in a quiet and peaceful setting."
"I can be very quiet" James whispered before leaning againts the bookcase and picking up one of Regulus' books. He lasted 5 minutes before he excitedly pushed the book he had been holding into Regulus' face. "Why did I never know this? this is so cool"
"Yeah, it's pretty cool James" Regulus wanted to be annoyed however he found James' excitment more endearing than he would like to admit. At some point James moved slightly closer to Regulus so their shoulders were touching, getting bored with his own book he wanted to see what Regulus was reading. They stayed that was for a bit longer, before
James' phone rang causing both of them to move away from each other.
James silenced the call before looking at Regulus with an apologetic look "I've got to go, I'm sorry. I promised Peter I would drive him home. But I will see you tomorrow?"
"I hope not"
"You can pretend to hate this all you want but I know that we are almost friends"
"Mm, don't flatter yourself too much Potter. Also, would you mind giving this to Sirius? I never got to give him his gift" Regulus said the second part less confidently, looking through his bag before he found the carefully wrapped small box.
"Why don't you give it to him yourself? Come over tomorrow and it will be two lovely surprises for him"
"James, just give it to him for me"
"Not doing it, you will have to do it yourself. Now, pete is waiting for me so goodbye!" James hurried away after that, leaving Regulus with the gift still in his hand. He put it away after a few minutes of consideration, deciding that going wouldn't be too bad. And if it did end up not going well he could simply smother James in his sleep.