Chapter 2
Regulus found himself waiting by James' car. He hated that he knew exactly which one was his but he chose to swallow his pride and just wait because he refused to show up on his own, What would he do? Knock and introduce himself?
He would rather eat rocks.
"I didn't expect you to actually show up" James called out from behind him, sports bag in hand and hair slightly damp from practice.
"I didn't either. And you should probably wear a hat if you don't want to get sick."
"I spent like three minutes outside from the rink to here, I will be fine" James responded with a small smile, unlocking the car so they could get in. The car was warmer, especially with James turning on the heat. The ride from University to James' home\ was short, the silence getting filled with whatever song James was humming to. Regulus tried not stare, not to find it endearing. He'd still catch himself looking at James, taking in every detail he could.
He would probably replay all of it in his head once he was back home. Thinking of James while he was home seemed to be like getting into a warm bed after spending the whole day outside in cold weather. Warm and comforting. He wanted to touch him, feel the warmth of his skin under his fingertips, feel the way his chest would rise up with every breath he took.
Once again Regulus wanted a lot of things, most of which he couldn't have.
"Someone told me staring was rude" James' voice snapped him out of his thoughts, making him turn bright red from embarrassment. He knew that James noticed and he was suddenly very thankful that James was polite enough not to comment on it.
"They must be very smart."
"Incredibly, a genius to be fair. Very pretty eyes too, don't tell him that I told you though"
"Okay, shut up now. No more talking." James' teasing only made Regulus more embarrased, cheeks getting unnaturally red now.
"We are here."
"Finally." Regulus mutteredas he pushed the door open, wanting to escape the situation he had gotten into. He stood by the car as he waited for James to get out as well, suddenly the embarrassment getting replaced by nausea and anxiety.
"You look like you are going to be sick." James commented once he got out of the car
"Thanks."
"My parents are at work if that helps and Sirius doesn't know that you are coming, so he will be here in an hour or so"
"Great, I am stuck with you then"
"Luckily for you, I make a mean cocoa" James pushed the door open for Regulus, allowing him to go in first.
"I will have to see that for myself." Regulus followed James into the kitchen, awkwardly standing by the counter as he stared at James' back while he was preparing two mugs for the cocoa.
"You can wait in the sitting room, I will be quick"
"I'd rather just wait with you" He knew that James' parents were nothing like his own and he didn't need to have his guard up when he was at their house, however this like many things were simply engraved into his brain. James didn't push after that, continuing to make the cocoa, which he finished quickly like he said he would.
He led Regulus into the sitting room, setting the mugs down on the coffee table.
He tentatively watched Regulus take a sip only to break out into a huge grin when Regulus' eyes went wide.
"Okay, you were right on this. Forget Sirius, I am coming over just to drink this"
"Told you it was good" James spoke whilst taking a sip from his pwn mug and Regulus didn't miss how James' cheeks got slightly red as well. "Do you want to watch something while we wait for Sirius?"
"Watch what?"
"Christmas movies? Maybe the grinch? I love that one" James said it with a smile as he turned on the tv.
"What is it about?"
"What." James paused at the beggining, turning to stare at Regulus is disbelief. Regulus only shrugged because he didn't understand why James was so surprised. "Oh we are so watching this, you better get comfortable."
Halfway into the movie James ended up leaning against Regulus, making him far too aware of everythimg around him. If one year ago you had told Regulus that he would be sitting on James Potter's couch, with his head on his shoulder while watching Grinch, Regulus would've called you crazy.
"I feel bad for him" Regulus whispered. There was no need for hit to tal quietly yet the atmosphere in the room was so peaceful he couldn't bare to ruin it.
"Hm? Yeah I think anyone would turn into an evil green man stealing Christmas if they got treated like him" James turned his head towards Regulus to answer, making Regulus' heart beat so fast that he was quite sure James could hear it. "Reg are you alright?" that question was enough to confirm that James noticed Regulus' internal panic.
"Yeah, I am fine"
He wasn't, not really because James' face was right there and Regulus was suddenly unable to tear his eyes away from James, who seemed just as stuck as him.
James carefully moved away, not breaking eye contact with Regulus. He was still close enough for his smell to linger in air, which was making it nearly impossible for Regulus to contain himself. Regulus couldnit tell who leaned in first, can't seem to care about such litte details because the second their lips met Regulus felt his brain just die. All he cared about was James.
JamesJamesJamesJames
His whole body was on fire. He felt like a thirsty man who had found his only source of water. James' mouth was worth worshiping because Regulus was sure that James just sent him to heaven.
The harsh reality dawned on them once they heard the front door being slammed shut.
They moved away from each other just in time for the person interrupting to walk into the living room. Regulus didn't think the situation could get any worse until he saw who the person was.
"Reggie? What are you doing here? James why didn't you tell me he was here?" Sirius had a puzzled look on his face as he suspiciously looked between the two of them.
"Ah- I invited him. As a surprise because he had a gift for you" James jumped up from his seat, stubbing his toe against the coffee table. He grapped the two mugs as he mummbled something about washing them and coming back. Regulus couldn't hear any of it, his head suddenly filled with a buzzing noise.
He kissed James.
James kissed him.
Sirius is staring at him with pure concern and somehow that makes Regulus feel even worse.
"Reg you alright?" Sirius' voice was enough to snap Regulus back into reality. He instanly started looking through his backpack that he had previously put on the floor next to the sofa "Yeah I am great. Your gift- I was supposed to give it to you on Christmas but that didn't really work out so here you go. I hope you like it." Regulus handed him the small box, carefully watching his brother unwrap the gift. The gift was a matching set of rings with two different constellations on them. Regulus' ring had Canis Major engraved into his, meanwhile Sirius' had the Leo constellation. "It glows when it's dark" he cupped his hands over Sirius's hand to let him see it.
Sirius looked amazed by it, tears welling up in his eyes. He swiftly swiped them away before pulling Regulus into a hug. "I know you don't like hugs but this gift is absolutely hug worthy, I love it and I am never taking it off."
"I am glad you like it Sirius"
"You sit here, I've got something for you too." Sirius got up and left with that leaving Regulus alone in the living room. It wasn't until after he was left all alone that he realized what had happened before his brother got there and he was trying his best not to think about it in general. He took James not returning as a sign that he regretted it and well,
Regulus didn't know what to do with that.
Sirius returned with his hands behind his back, clearly hiding the gift behind his back. "I didn't have it wrapped, however I think you will love it regardless. Close your eyes."
"It better not be some kind of bug or I will actually never speak to you again"
"Bug? Regulus what on earth makes you think that I would hold a bug?"
"You love to spite me"
"Just shut up and close your eyes."
"They are closed."
That's when he felt something light getting placed on his lap. Regulus carefully opened his eyes just to be met with stuffed toy shaped like an elephant.
Except it wasn't a random elephant, not at all.
Sirius had gifted him that same exact stuffed elephant when they were little. He had been saving up for months to get it for Regulus and years later when Regulus refused to give it up his father had taken the issue into his own hands. He threw away everything that he deemed childish for a boy Regulus' age.
"Where did you find this?"
"Old store, doesn't really matter to be fair. It looked like Bobby, so I thought it would be the perfect gift"
"It is. Thank you"
"Are you going to name it?"
"Would naming him Bobby again be ridiculous?"
"It's yours Reg, you can name him anything you want." Regulus couldn't help but smile. Suddenly he was seven years old again and nothing existed past him and his brother.
"I've got to go now, it's getting late and I don't want to miss my bus"
"Nonsense, James will drive you! James!"
"I am fine with taking the bus Sirius, it's fine"
James came in pretty quickly, avoiding looking Regulus' way.
"Can you drop him off?"
"Sirius, I can get home on my own" Regulus was getting frustrated, the hesitation on James' face was pretty clear and Regulus couldn't think of anything more embarrassing than being stuck in a car with James.
"But it's safer with James," he turned from Regulus to James before asking "you will drive him right?"
"Yeah, I will I don't mind. Let me get my coat"
Regulus was fully aware that the drive back to his house wouldn't be quick and comfortable. The second him and Sirius said goodbye to each other and Regulus got in the car he truly just wanted to dissolve into the seat. James wasn't humming to songs anymore, not that he even turned anything on. He wanted to apologize, he would open his mouth but nothing would come out and then he would look at James for a second before quickly looking ahead.
Regulus never thought he could ever be happy about reaching his house and this situation proved him wrong.
Once James parked his car they sat in silence for a few minutes, which felt like hours.
"I'm sor-"
"You should come over more often, Sirius seemed happy to see you"
"I will, thanks for the ride. Goodnight"
Regulus didn't wait for James' reply before getting out of the car.
This is why Regulus never complained about being alone. It was easy, at least easier than feeling as horrible as he was feeling right now. Regulus had known he liked boys ever since he was ten because when the boys in his class would comment on the girls they liked he could only think about how pretty boys were. He had only ever told Sirius about it when they were having a secret sleepover and to his relief his brother reacted positively.
That changes nothing Reggie, you are still my brother.
Promise?
I promise. You can't tell mum or dad though, they can never find out.
Few years later Sirius got with Remus.
Regulus was happy for him, sometimes he would even help Sirius sneak out to see Remus.
Regulus was caught kissing a boy once when he was 15. It was a girl from church, as was the guy. He had gone and told his parents that it was Regulus who initiated the kiss and as expected the boys parent's had gone to his parents.
His mother had locked him in his room for the whole day, telling him to pray.
He thinks he stopped believing in God that day. He used to wonder why he needed to worship a God that hated him for the way he had created him.
Regulus was never religious, yet he still fears sometimes.
The silver cross still premanently attached to his neck because whenever things got bad he'd catch himself clasping it between his unsteady hands as he chanted a long forgotten prayer.
When Regulus made it to the library his only mission was to avoid James. Anyone who was slightly taller and had messy hair was met with a very twitchy Regulus who would immediately get as far away from them as it was possible, so when he saw an empty spot at the back of the library he thought he got lucky, except he was wrong, again.
It was Sirius who approached him, James and the rest of the group waiting by the enterance. However, James looked uncomfortable meanwhile the other two that Regulus knew as
Remus and Peter were chatting about something.
"Reggie! I was looking for you everywhere!"
"You have my number, you could've called"
"I could, yes, but where is the fun in that?" Regulus rolled his eyes, shutting the book he had been reading to look at Sirius. He was fully aware of James burning holes through his brain however he refused to look at him back.
"So what did you want Sirius?"
"We are hosting a party and I want you to come"
"Sirius, you know I am not good with a lot of people in one room" that had wiped away the hopeful expression Sirius had been wearing, despite his smile not wavering even for a second, Regulus could tell. "Okay, I will come. I might not stay for too long but I will come."
"Really? You don't have to if you really don't want to" Regulus was fully aware of that, he knew that despite the disappointment Sirius would never be mad at him for not attending.
But he was also aware that there were things he needed to do too, for the sake of making things better between them.
"I want to. Now please stop bothering me I am trying to study unlike you and your friends."
"It's because we are naturally smart, we don't need to study."
"Mhm, keep telling yourselves that. Whatever helps you sleep at night, right?"
"You are such a little shit. It's going to be on Frida, I will send the details this evening."
And so when Friday rolled around, Regulus found himself standing outside of James' front door trying to get himself to knock. When he finally managed to do it the door was opened by his already intoxicated brother who pulled him into a tight hug before letting him inside.
"See guys! Told you he would come!" Sirius told group of people Regulus recognized from Univeristy, however he couldn't recall any of their names except the ones he'd frequently see around his brother. So Peter, Remus and James.
This is what Regulus couldn't do. It was hard and Regulus hated himself for it, because if others could do it, why couldn't he? Why was he the one who stuttered and wanted to run off to a nearby bathroom to get away. One would think that he was used to being in group setting considering how many events his parents would drag him to but it never got easy.
"So what is your major?" The girl that he knew as Dorcas asked. It made Regulus freeze for a second, causing her to repeat her question thinking he couldn't hear over the music, which wasn't even loud.
"Biology, I want to be a surgeon."
"Oh he is smart smart" said the blonde girl who was sat next to Dorcas, Marlene.
"I thought you wanted to be a violinist" Sirius asked, brows furrowed in drunken confusion.
"Things change Sirius" That was enough to make Sirius understand because no, Regulus didn't want to be a surgeon. It was what his mother wanted, what she made sure he would become.
"Wait you play the violin?" James blurted out
"Used to, not anymore."
"Oh he is so good at it! He would make me listen to him every time he practiced."
It didn't take them too long to move to a different topic and Regulus was relieved when they did. Having too much attention on himself always made him feel queasy. Eventually he excused himself to the bathroom, needing a minute alone. There was always strange feeling of peace that came with being alone, he didn't have to be someone he wasn't and he didn't need to be on edge.
Regulus didn't expect to come face to face with James when he opened the door, who came inside and shut the door. "I am sorry for ignoring you after the kiss, that was so terrible and I feel so guilty. I understand if you are angry with me, I put you in a very unfair position and than just left you to figure it out all on your own-"
"James."
"But you need to know that I didn't do it to hurt you. I was confused, like really confused because you are the first boy I've ever kissed and as time went by I thought you would not hear me out-"
"James, stop talking. Take a breath."
"I'm sorry."
"It's okay."
"So you aren't angry?"
"Not really, just confused. I- well I wanted to apologize as well. I thought I made you uncomfortable, like a crossed a line I wasn't supposed to cross. You started avoiding me so I didn't want to push, I wasn't sure if you wanted to see me at all."
"You didn't make me uncomfortable, not at all. I actually wanted to ask you out on a proper date, where we won't get interrupted by anyone."
"What do you mean?"
"I like you. You are funnyy and interesting and I want to take you out on a proper date so your brother doesn't murder me when he finds out."
"Okay."
"Okay?"
"Okay, I will go on a date with you."
"Can you also give me your number? So I can tell you the date and everything else?"
"I feel like I will regret this." Regulus mumbled as he typed his number into James' phone.
"Too late now" James spoke with a wide grin, pushing the door open for Regulus to walk out first.
Regulus sat back in his spot, taking the beer Marlene was handing to him. Sirius, despite his drunken haze seemed to have noticed that James and Regulus left nearly at the same time and came back together. Yet said nothing, just eyed them suspiciously.
Regulus found himself slightly tipsy once he returned back home.
His mother was sitting in the sitting room, staring at the wall ahead with a half empty glass of wine.
"You are late, it's past your curfew Regulus."
"Sorry, got held up."
"At the Potter's?"
"I was with my friends mum"
"You have no friends, Regulus. You've let yourself go again, haven't you? Lying to me yet again"
"I'm sorry."
"Go to your room" and Regulus obeyed, turning around to go upstairs only for het to call out after him. "You know I am right. When something bad happens and it will, I won't be
there for you, Regulus. Neither will your father."
Regulus didn't reply, he simply made his way back to his room with tears welling up in his eyes.
He felt like a little kid again. He wondered if he truly grew up in the first place.
Why was it so easy to make him feel so small?
It never took much or his mother simply became a master at it after doing it all his life. Regulus often stayed awake wondering if this would be his enitre life, he wondered if Sirius left just to not feel this way. He wondered about lots of things that always stayed unanswered.