leap of faith

It's easy for Maureen to give up. After all, what does she have to live for? Angel is dead, Joanne broke up with her, and so did Mark. She’s alone, and it’s all her fault. She drove Joanne to break up with her, and she cheated on Mark.

Mimi has almost died already and is deteriorating day by day. Rogers is following closely behind her, too. Soon, they'll both be gone and Collins, too. She will be alone just as she always is.

She thinks about how easy it would be to slit her wrists or to swallow a bunch of pills and slip away, but both of those mean that one of her friends would probably find her, and she can’t do that to them. They don’t deserve that. She doesn’t deserve them.

She thinks of the roof of the building that houses the loft, how the lock is broken, and how the stairs lead directly to it. She ascends the stairs and up to the roof. She wishes for the door to be locked, for some alarm or no-entry sign, or even for a stranger to grab her arm and pull her back downstairs. She wishes for anything or anyone to stop her, help her, or hear her. Alas, that savior never comes.

She steps out into the cool, breezy air and onto the concrete roof, walking to the edge. Slowly, she hoists herself onto the ledge, ignoring how her legs shake as if they could give out at any moment. Then, she watches the bustling city below her.

You drove them away. You weren't good enough. You're going to be alone forever. The world is better off without you. Your friends will be better off without you. Joanne won’t miss you. No one will.

She was tired. So tired. Her brain would not shut up, and she just wanted it all to stop. For the world to stop. She knew this was it this was the end, and she was at peace with it. It made sense to her. Maybe she will see Angel or April in heaven, or maybe she will be in hell, where she is sure she belongs.

One step, just one step, and it's all over. Just take the leap and fall. Leap of faith—hah, the irony, huh? She swears she can hear an angel's voice at that moment, reaching out to her as if she were right behind her.

She can imagine an angel saying, “What are you doing up there, honey? You shouldn’t stand on ledges; you might fall,” or something similar.

God, she was such a coward. All she had to do was lean forward, and the noise would quieten. Maureen looked down towards the ground below; cars sped by in a chaotic flurry of traffic, and people walked by, some trying to get home to family, some with nowhere to go at all but wander, searching for a place to sleep.

She pictures what Angel would be doing if she was here right now maybe she would be down there busking for the last bit of money she needed to make the rent in time or with Collins cuddled up in their apartment or maybe designing some new clothes.

The wind blew bitter and spiteful as it flew against her frail and shaking form. She was so inside her head and focused on what she was about to do that she didn’t notice how long she had been stood up there or that she was no longer alone.

Her foot leaned out and dangled treacherously, and just as she was about to fall to her fate, a pair of arms wrapped around her waist and yanked her away from the edge.

Her mind was in shambles. She had come this close to being at peace, and some bastard had stopped her. But wasn’t this what she wanted? For someone to save her? She wasn’t sure anymore.

She turned to see her so-called hero. Bright blue eyes stared deeply into soulless browns.

Mark.

He wrapped his arms around her, and Maureen felt a tear drip onto her shoulder. He was hurt by this. She hurt him. She didn't deserve him. All she could do was stand there limply, still encased in his embrace.

She must have zoned out because the next thing she remembers, she is being unceremoniously dragged into the loft. She struggles to get out of Mark's skinny but surprisingly strong arms and go back to the freedom she felt up on that ledge. Her attempts fail. She always fails. Fails her relationships, her dreams, and her chance to end it all.

She sits down on the couch and stares straight ahead at the window on the wall in front. If she notices Collins, Mimi, Roger, and Joanne enter the room, then she doesn't acknowledge them.

You are such a failure. You couldn't even kill yourself. What is wrong with you? You screw everything up. It's all your fault. You were doing the world a favor, and now you’ve lost your chance.

Maureen doesn't know what makes her feel worse: the thoughts in her head or the five pairs of eyes staring back at her with pity and worry. Especially Joanne's gaze. Wait, Joanne? Why was Joanne there? I thought she hated me. Does she care? No, she couldn't. Nobody did.

Joanne perched on the coffee table and took Maureen's hand in hers. Tears welled in Joanne’s eyes as she began to speak, “Why, why did you want t-t-t-t-to do that to yourself? H-h-h-how could you just leave us?”

Maureen didn’t know what to say. She knew they would be upset, but hearing those words from Joanne’s mouth made it much more real.
Her chest began to constrict, and she could no longer draw in air.

Gasping for air and clutching at her chest, Maureen desperately tried to suck in a breath to no avail. “Maureen, look at me. Try to breathe with me in for 5, hold for 7, and out for 8. Ready?”

Maureen nodded feebly, focusing on Joannes's voice, letting it guide her through the breaths. After four or so counts, oxygen began to flow into her lungs, with the crushing pressure blocking its path no longer.

“WHY? Why are you even here? You don't care; you hate me!” Maureen blew up venom spitting through her voice as she abruptly stood and pushed past Joanne, attempting to leave and get away from the situation.

Roger grabbed her by the shoulders and prevented her from leaving. He wrapped his arms around her and held her close to him. Eventually, she let herself melt into the hug from her half-brother and folded her arms around his torso as well.
After pulling out of Roger's embrace, collins came over and wrapped a blanket around her, and Mimi walked her back to the couch. Mark had a hand on Joanna's shoulder, who looked utterly distraught. Maureen never wanted to hurt her friends, in her mind, she was doing them a favor by dying, and it didn’t make sense to her why they were all so sad when she was worthless and undeserving of their love.

She was tired, so tired. Her whole body ached to just fall asleep and never wake up. She felt so much and yet nothing entirely at the same time. Numb.
That was something she had become accustomed to over the years.

Her eyelids began to droop as the group sat in tense silence.

“I'm just going to go to sleep I'll see you guys tomorrow.” Maureen declared, trying her best to put on a happy persona.

“No, wait.” a voice called out to her. “Someone should stay with you.” Roger pleaded. He looked heartbroken, which was the most vulnerable she had seen her brother in years.

“Rog, it's fine, really.” attempting to reassure him.

“No, I'm not going to leave you alone.” knowing that she was fighting a losing battle, Maureen relented and allowed Roger to sit with her as she slept.

When she awoke next, she looked over to see Roger had left, and Mimi had taken his place at her side. Her head was pounding, and her limbs were aching and protesting as she sat up. Mimi looked at her with sad, soulful eyes that bore deep into Maureen's soul.

“Good morning, mo,” she said in a soft voice.

Maureen mumbled something incoherently in response and slumped back down against her pillow with a long, exaggerated sigh.

“How did you guys know I was up there?” Maureen asked curiously.

“We didn’t, we all came over because Collins said that he wanted to just hang out all of us together as he has been missing Angel lately, and you weren't home when we all arrived, so Mark thought he would check the roof just in case because he knows you and roger sometimes go up there to smoke and he knew you weren't at work so he figured you had just popped out and then he found you frozen and blue standing up there.”

Maureen stared at the wall in front of her blankly. What if Mark hadn't thought to go up there? What if Collins didn't ask everyone to meet up? Why hadn't she seen the message saying they were all coming over? What if Mark had been just a few minutes later? Would she be dead? Her mind swirled with the wrath of what-ifs and questions she would probably never know the answers to.

“When Mark carried you inside, he explained what had happened. You seemed really out of it and didn't even acknowledge where you were for another good 10-15 minutes.” Mimi's voice cracked as she explained the events Maureen couldn't remember.