Bonheur (Happiness)
It's James's third year. Which makes it Lily's third year. Which means he has a shot this year.
James boards the train with a lot of confidence, and the first thing he does is track down Lily.
"You said wait till third year, and I did." James says, smile wide as Lily looks over him.
She doesn't react like he wanted her to. James expected her to laugh and agree or brush him off kindly, but she stares at him, emerald eyes turning harsh.
"Are you fucking for real, James?" She asks, scoffing. "You know I- I actually thought we were friends, that you'd changed. I was stupid. Severus was right, you don't even actually like me at all."
James reaches out and opens his mouth, trying to defend himself, but she turns away from him and marches off to her own cabin on the train. He couldn't in a million years have expected that, and it feels like ice water has just been poured over his head. Lily has always been his endgame, he'd kind of teased Sirius's little brother when he realized the younger boys crush, but nothing really came of it. James feels something special for Lily, something inevitable.
"James?" It's a small voice from his shoulder and he turns to look. Regulus stands there with his fingers tangled in front of him, soft bottom lip caught between his teeth. He looks prettier than last year somehow. "Sorry, you just- are you alright?"
James had teased Regulus last year, had flirted with him a bit, liked the reactions he got. Seeing Regulus nervous over him still makes him feel powerful. Lily doesn't like him like that, but Regulus does. Having that kind of power over someone else makes James feels better, to be on the other side of pining makes him feel almost elated.
"Great now." James looks Regulus up and down purposely, slowly. Revels in the blush that spreads across the pale boys face. "You look beautiful. Was your hair this curly last year?"
James reaches out and pulls a ringlet by Regulus's face down gently, internally cheering at the way blue grey eyes stare at him through eyelashes and pink lips part in an 'o'.
"I mean it's just..." James steps forward with a grin. "Exquisite."
The younger Black brother stares at James, but it's different than Lily's stare. Regulus is soft and sweet, smart but blinded by James, he's easy. He's not complicated and so what if James doesn't really feel the same way? It makes him feel good to have Regulus fawn over him and it's not like Lily is going to forgive him any time soon. James wants to have fun, James wants to kiss and flirt and go to Hogsmeade holding hands with someone. Wants to buy butterbeer and go to Zonkos. Regulus will want to do all of that with James, and James loves to be wanted.
It's just a bonus if he can show Lily what she's missing at the same time.
Regulus doesn't get a chance to say anything back before Sirius is bulldozing into James with a giant hug. James promptly forgets about Regulus, invested in hearing about what Sirius's summer was like. It was hard to meet up very much because of Sirius's parents. Apparently, they really weren't happy about Regulus being a Hufflepuff, which James thinks is kind of ridiculous. Regulus is so sweet and innocent it's a little crazy to think about him in any other house.
James sneaks a look back at the smaller boy talking with his sister, he's got a bright smile, button nose and big eyes that draw you in. James might not like Regulus like that, but he can admit Regulus is effortlessly beautiful.
Not as beautiful as Lily though, James reminds himself and turns back to Sirius.
----
Remus hates it when school starts right after a full moon. It's the second year in a row it's happened and all he could do was find a cabin and lay on the seat with his feet up, arm over his eyes. There should be some kind of pamphlet, or guide to being a werewolf because the exhaustion is not viable lifelong.
He isn't expecting the others to find him quickly, but they do. Peter doesn't ride with them on the train, Remus isn't sure why, he thinks it's something to do with peace and quiet before the storm, and if it is he's very jealous right now.
Sirius and James are louder than fireworks, Ceres keeps snapping at Sirius about his language and Sirius has barely even looked at him.
Remus figured out quick that he had a crush on Sirius, and how could he not? Sirius shines, he burns, brighter than anything Remus has ever seen. The last two years spent around Sirius have brought out feelings Remus didn't know his body was capable of. He's excited for more if Sirius would just look at him.
"Remus." It's not the Black brother who's attention he really wants, but Regulus talking to him willingly is almost as nice.
"Regulus, hi." Remus smiles up at him then remembers his legs are spread across the whole bench. "Oh- sorry! I was just trying for a small nap."
Regulus seems to hesitate before sitting down. "Feeling sick again?"
Remus nods, leaning against the wall for support. His head is pounding and his neck feels stiff. Remus smiles stiffly at Regulus, who's big grey eyes study him intently before the younger boy sighs and scoots back, patting his lap.
"Come here." He says.
"What?" Remus glances to Sirius, who still hasn't even looked at him. It feels like a jump, to go from barely talking to laying in Regulus's lap.
"I'll give you a massage. Sirius gets these migraines, and he likes a head massage. I know what head pain looks like." Regulus looks like he wants to say more but just pats his lap again. "Come on."
Remus has to think about it for a few seconds, turning over why Regulus is being so helpful, if it's possible he knows about Remus's predicament. Remus looks into silver pools and notices blue specks swimming in them, a copy of Sirius's and he thinks that even if Regulus did know, if he's offering to give a werewolf a head massage he can't be bad.
So, Remus turns and lays his head on the younger Blacks thigh, humming when soft fingers trail through his hair and up to his temples, massaging the tension out of his forehead.
"Oh..." Remus feels his head go limp when Regulus massages just under his ears. "That feels... wow."
Regulus laughs and shrugs. "Yeah, I found some books on um... anyways, I figured this is where most of your pain would be around this time."
It takes a moment for the words to load in Remus's brain but once they do his eyes open slowly, panic carefully winding tight fingers around his heart, dread seeping past the warm fabric of his clothes and sending goosebumps over his skin.
"It's okay." Regulus assures quietly, rubbing his thumbs up the sides of Remus's jaw, preventing the older boy from grinding his teeth. "I'm not going to tell anyone, I just wanted you to know that you can come to me for any of your... moony needs. You know?"
Remus looks up at the young boy, so constantly kind, so mature even for his age and Remus understands what Ceres is on about, protecting Regulus at all costs. This little boy knows Remus is a werewolf and is not only completely unafraid, but actively wants to help. Remus can't help the adoration that slips into his eyes or his voice when he tells Regulus thank you, can't help the way his eyelids drift shut and he lets Regulus's long fingers massage away the pain, lulling him into a gentle sleep where his mind is filled with thought of the older Blacks fingers on him.
----
Ceres is positive Sirius doesn't understand what too far means. It's been something he's struggled with since childhood, taking things over the line. It's funny, really, how different the Black siblings are when it comes to that invisible line everyone draws. Ceres has always preferred herself a tightrope walker, Sirius treats it like a finish line, and he has to be first place, and Regulus treats it like a poisonous snake, ready to strike him if he gets too close.
All ends of the spectrum, which shouldn't be as funny as it is considering Ceres is going to be the one who ends up doing everything for everyone.
"I don't know why- it was funny and then we all got caught!" Sirius waves a hand around, acting like Ceres didn't just get a howler from their mother after Sirius's prank fell through.
"Turning everyone's tie red, dyeing all the food red, and charming every banister to show Gryffindor is not funny, Sirius." Ceres scolds, feeling every bit like she used to when Sirius would dig up bugs in the garden and he'd uproot Mothers hydrangeas.
"Yeah well, you wouldn't understand, cus you aren't funny." Sirius crosses his arms and looks away, making that hot anger rise in Ceres's chest.
Ceres is normally very good at concealing what she's feeling, keeping all her cards close and playing them when she needs to. Arguing with Sirius has always made her lose her mind, Ceres thinks it's because instead of actually talking about the issue, Sirius just jabs at you and tells you all the things you've done wrong and how terrible of a person you are.
Ceres doesn't need the reminder, she knows.
"I am plenty funny, thank you. You can't act like your house is the only one that matters- how do you think Regulus felt when he saw you erase the Hufflepuff colors from the great hall? Cus I can tell you that its stung and I'm not even in that house. You can't-"
"I can't what, Ceres?!" Sirius explodes, throwing both arms out in a wide arc. "According to you I can't do fucking anything that isn't sitting still, studying or almost fucking killing myself in quidditch! I'm so over you telling me every single fucking way you're better than me. You aren't my mom, Ceres, so stop acting like it."
Ceres feels that sentence like a stab to the gut, and she's sure that wounded sound comes from her at the way regret immediately bleeds into Sirius's eyes.
She'd known, really, that Sirius was slipping away. It started with the Potter boy and the muggleborn, wanting to ride without Ceres on the train because something better had come along. The way he'd pulled away from her teasing hands as they went to ruffle his hair earlier that week. How he keeps calling her embarrassing if she shares a story about him with his friends. Ceres should have known the day would come, when Sirius would grow up and realize how shitty it is and try to change it. It still hurts because Ceres raised this boy. Changed almost every diaper, taught him how to walk, how to talk, how to speak French. Taught him how to read and how to study properly, how to cook and clean so he isn't useless when he marries. Ceres poured life and love into this boy and it hurts to watch him reject it so fiercely.
Ceres's pain has always sharpened itself into blades of anger, and that pattern doesn't fail her now.
"What an astute fucking observation Sirius. I've never hit you no matter how infuriating you become, maybe I should rectify this yes? Next time don't expect me to be so merciful." Ceres knows she's lying, even as she turns on her heel and walks away as fast as she can, she knows.
She knows she'd never hit either of her boys. She's taken so many hits for them it would be undeniably pointless. Ceres raised the Black brothers, like a mother, like a father, like a sister. She doesn't know anything else, and she wouldn't give it up or trade it for anything. Even if Ceres is walking away now, even if she doesn't know how to express how much Sirius means to her she'll never be able to stop showing it.
For her brothers, she'd do anything. That will always be true.
----
Regulus feels like maybe he shouldn't have told Remus he knew about the whole werewolf thing. Not because Remus has been untoward or weird about it, but because it's become abundantly clear that no one else knows. Not Sirius or James or Peter. Regulus thinks Ceres might suspect something but doesn't care enough to figure out what.
If she suspected Regulus and Sirius were hanging around a werewolf, she'd have fussed up a storm.
Regulus told Remus it doesn't change anything, and he'd meant it. Remus is still kind and warm, and he's really only an actual wolf for like one night out of the month. So, Regulus has been doing a lot of research on them, and the first thing he went looking for were ways to comfort werewolves during and after full moons. He learned pressure points for head and neck massages, he learned what kinds of potions work best if taken the night before. Regulus had brewed enough of them at home to send one to Remus every day before a full, and made sure the doses were high enough for the Gryffindors body not to burn it off so fast but low enough that the effects don't stick around for days afterwards.
Regulus also found a theory that since werewolves don't harm animals, Animagus are typically safe to be around them. Regulus had gone searching for an answer on this and found the journal of someone who had married a werewolf, she was an Animagus unregistered, and the werewolf had never hurt her.
So Regulus had spent all summer figuring out how to become an Animagus and then doing it. He was a little disappointed in his form, he thought he'd be something cool like a snake or a fox maybe. He was a very tiny black cat with white paws, he'd set up a mirror so he could look at himself.
It was dangerous, to be an unregistered Animagus, especially in wizarding school where a teacher could discover him and turn him in, but Regulus figured if it was to help someone else then it was okay.
Which is why the first full moon of the school year he finds himself as a cat rubbing against a werewolves legs as Remus groans loudly and tries to push him away. Regulus had followed him out of the dorms and past the whomping willow into this beat up cottage he assumed was the shrieking shack. Everything was boarded up and there were long scratches down the walls and turned over furniture.
"Go away kitty, you're gonna get hurt." Remus picked Regulus up under the pits and Regulus opened his mouth the say something, internally cringing over the tiny mew that comes out in response.
"You're so sweet kitty, but it's not safe here with me." Remus groans again and sets Regulus down to curl in on himself and drag fingernails over his face.
Regulus jumps onto the ratty couch and lightly bites at Remus's fingers, curling up on his arms close to his throat and attempting a purr. He's surprised by how easily it comes to him. Being an Animagus is different than he thought it would be. He has full consciousness and autonomy, but some of the urges he has feel strictly feline, like chasing down a rat he'd seen earlier, or wanting to burrow under Remus's jumper where its warmest and take a nap. The thing is they don't feel very separate from himself, and it took a while to realize it wasn't really him that wanted to climb into Remus's jumper, but the cat.
The longer he spends in this form, the less he can pick apart who feels what. He imagines if he were to spend two weeks without changing back, he'd loose all connection to his human brain and he'd survive simply on the base urges of a cat.
Remus's transformation is the most horrible thing Regulus has ever had to watch. Bones rack loudly and the sounds out of Remus's lips is something Regulus is sure he's going to cry about later. All he can do is nuzzle into the older boy and paw at his tears.
Once Remus is fully transformed Regulus starts to get the idea that maybe he should have told someone before doing this. Werewolf teeth are huge and Remus stands on all fours, snout twitching wildly as his head follows Regulus's scent onto the floor.
The poor kitten has its tail between it's legs and fur standing on end. Remus sniffs and nudges Regulus, and the kitten simply falls to it's side before scrambling up and jumping onto an over turned table.
Remus huffs something that might have been a laugh and sits back on his haunches, looking more playful than angry.
The cat and the wolf dance around each other all night, and when morning comes and the cat stays curled up with Remus's shaking form, he knows he's done something good.
----
Sirius is not fond of this new friendship between Remus and his little brother. Even less fond of the way James keeps talking to Regulus. He thinks it's for two very different reasons.
Sirius wants all of Remus's attention. Wants Remus to lay in his lap on the train and pull him to the side to whisper things after Remus gets sick. Wants to be allowed to visit Remus in the infirmary like Regulus apparently allowed to do now. It's not that Sirius thinks they can't be friends, it's just that they seem to be a little too good of friends, and really fast.
James, however, keeps treating Regulus the same way he treated Lily the last two years, but then continues to talk about getting Lily 'back' when Regulus isn't around. It confuses Sirius, does James like them both? Because James better not be messing with Regulus. Sirius would put him on his ass for that, it doesn't matter if they're friends or not.
"Codenames are so hard." James groans into the blanket layed out under the tree Regulus likes so much by the lake.
Remus is sitting against the tree, book in hand and Regulus is leaning over his shoulder to scan the pages half-heartedly. Them being so close to each other is making something green and ugly slowly rear it's head in Sirius's stomach.
"It would be easier if you weren't so stupid with them." Remus says, not even looking up and Regulus snorts. "I mean honestly, the ones you come up with are just terrible."
Remus has a point, James tried to call Peter Carrot. It did not go well, nobody slept that night.
"That's so not true." James rolls over and gives Sirius a pleading look.
"I think you tried to code name me Egg." Regulus points out then points at something in Remus's book, they both share a smile and Sirius feels that ugly green thing reel up again.
"What are you guys reading?" He asks, craning his neck to try and get a glance.
Remus looks at Regulus and tilts the book away from Sirius.
"Nothing."
"Magical Creatures stuff, Remus is helping me study." Regulus replies easily, too easily and Sirius narrows his eyes at his brother.
"Did you just fucking lie to me Reggie?"
Regulus looks up with stony eyes, something he doesn't do often. Normally Regulus is all soft edges and shy looks but occasionally when there's something he feels the need to protect, or he doesn't want to share, he can become vicious. Can dig right into your chest and rip out your heart with a single sentence. Sirius is lucky he only get's a warning look this time, but he's never known when to stop at the line. So when Regulus looks back don at the book and leans on Remus's shoulder, Sirius can't keep his mouth shut.
"I asked you a question Regulus. You know you're supposed to tell us if you're hearing starts to go out again." Sirius dusts his finger nails off on his shirt as Regulus's stormy eyes snap up again and James's eyebrows raise to his hairline.
"You know you're supposed to tell us when you feel the need to act like our father creep up on you." Regulus fake pouts at him in sympathy. "I would say you could go to Ceres, but you fucked that up like everything else you touch huh?"
Remus snaps his head up and James shoots into a seated position, both turning to gape at Regulus, who they've never heard act anything like this. Honestly, Sirius has never seen Regulus so valiantly protective over someone who wasn't himself or Ceres and it makes that ugly green thing writhe in his stomach that it's all for Remus. Remus who Sirius had first, Regulus has no right to stake a claim on him like that.
"Fuck you, Reggie." Sirius sneers, comments about being like Orion don't hurt nearly as much as the ones Regulus will throw about being as manipulative as Mother. Sirius isn't very often on this end of Regulus's hateful words though, and it's strange to have normally sweet eyes cut into his skin like daggers.
"Don't start things you can't finish, Sirius." Regulus replies. "I gave you an answer. Don't get rude with me, because I'll bite back. Et j’ai toujours été plus méchant que toi quand ça compte. (And I've always been meaner than you when it counts.)"
Sirius and Regulus stare each other down. Sirius can't place why this is a hill Regulus is willing to die on, why can't Sirius just know what they're grinning about? Sirius wants to know everything about Remus, wants to be a part of whatever little bond Regulus and him have.
"What'd he just say?" James asks, turns to Regulus. "What'd you just say?"
"Nothing." Regulus mumbles. "I said I was sorry for taking it too far."
The younger boy gives Sirius a pointed look and a small, apologetic smile. That's another thing about Regulus, he always feels bad for whatever he's said when his anger spills over, sometimes it makes Sirius feel sick to his stomach. Now is one of those times when he feels like he's drowning in false truths and his stomach swirls with venom longing to be spit back.
But Regulus is just a kid, and Sirius knows better than to keep pushing this line, Regulus will end up hurt, and Sirius would rather die than hurt his little brother.
----
Evan loves his sister, really does. Even when she asks for the most ridiculous things. Like now.
"Dora, my lovely, sweet sister." Evan repeats for the third time, pinching the bridge of his nose tightly. "I can't just sneak you into the Slytherin girls dorm rooms. Why do you even want in there?"
"Because Ceres was all kinds of blue today! Blue and purple, I think she and Sirius haven't made up yet." Pandora flips new new braids over her shoulder, green and blue extensions shimmering and blending together to create a mosaic of color.
"Right." Evan groans and rubs a hand down his face, glancing over Pandora's shoulder and catching a younger Slytherins eyes. Evan blushes lightly and looks away. Barty came last year and is a chaotic little shit. For some reason he won't stop staring at Evan, and for some reason, Evan could help but stare back. "And what are you going to do about that? I've never seen you two talk before, I highly doubt she's going to open up to you."
"She will!" Pandora protests, glancing around Evans head like she does often, checking his aura or some weirdo shit like that. "Mine and her souls are entwined. Me and Xeno agree about this."
Evan leans against the wall behind him, covered by a green tapestry. "Look, you know I always listen to your premonitions, like literally always. I know you're always right about people, so I'm not trying to argue with you, cus I believe your... uh... your souls really are entwined, but I also think that Ceres Black is hella bad news. She's sneaky as fuck, that one. I wouldn't trust her with her own siblings, much less mine you know?"
"That's only what she wants you to see Ev." Pandora holds her head high, pale skin shimmering in the torch light. Evan can't help but glance back to Barty over her shoulder. The younger boy tilts his head, fluffy black hair dripping to the side, a manicured eyebrow raising. Evan looks away quickly. "She's not actually like that- if only you could see how brightly her aura shines around her siblings. A bright, sparkling gold. I need to meet Regulus as well soon, the silver his aura shines with is bright enough to attract crows."
Evan sighs, he loves Pandora, and all her weird quirks. Ever since they were kids she's had a knack for knowing if their parents were already upset, she'd known exactly which floorboards didn't creak, always seen more than most people.
When Evan met Xenophilius last year he wasn't weirded out by the older boys jumbled speech, all Evan felt was pity, he'd watched his sister fall apart once when Evan broke his leg. Their father had shoved him down the stairs to the wine cellar and Pandora had come running after him sobbing about how she thought they were on a different path and she would have warned him but nothing lined up correctly until after it happened.
Evan is used to little weirdos spouting shit he doesn't understand, so Xenophilius was just mildly amusing to him. Pandora wanting to talk to one of the most feared people in Slytherin of all places is just a little too much.
"Why don't you go sneak into his dorm then Panny?" Evan gestures in the direction of the Hufflepuff dorms. "I can't follow you into the girls dorms and I really don't want you to get hurt. I know you see her as what she could be, or how she is on the inside, but she's not going to treat you all sweet like-"
The tapestry shimmers then shifts and the woman of the hour steps out of the entrance to Slytherin, pale face set in stone until grey eyes land on Pandora.
"Oh." Ceres says, tucking her hair behind both her ears and offering Evans' little sister a smile. "Hi. What- uh, what are you doing here?"
Evan raises his eyebrows and stares at the older girl. He's never seen her poker face drop like this. Maybe once when she screamed at the oldest Black brother and maybe when she apologized shortly after, but that was anger and then remorse before the shutdown came back swift and cold. Ceres almost looks... nervous. There might even be pink tinting the edges of her ears.
Evan takes Pandoras distraction to look at Barty again. Per usual the boy is still staring, bottom lip caught between his teeth and green eyes roaming from Evans feet all the way up to almost see through blue eyes. Every place Barty's eyes touch Evan feels goosebumps rise and shivers crawl.
"Ev?" Pandora tilts her head at him and he snaps his gaze to her.
"Sorry, what?"
Pandora narrows her eyes at him and glances behind her to Barty. She gasps softly.
"Oh, the thorns. I see. Hey, Ceres, do you want to go on a walk by the lake with me?" Pandora offers her arm with a whimsical smile and a wink.
Ceres blushes and takes her arm, letting Pandora lead her away.
Evan is left to stare at Barty from across the hallway. Barty who can't be more than twelve and while Evan is only a year older it still feels wrong to look at Barty and picture those lips on his, those hands around his throat and running under his shirt. Evan and Barty keep eye contact. They've never spoken. Evan feels like they probably should have by now considering how often they stare, especially when they stare like this, only them in the hallway, not close enough to talk or touch but close enough that Evan can feel the heat Barty feels for him, the heat Evan has been stoking since their eyes first connected across the great hall last year.
Barty pushes off the wall and takes a step forward, Evan panics. Every time his mother's called him unlovable, every time his sister has lovingly called him awkward, the times his father has grabbed him by the face and sneered that Evan will never be good enough for anyone flashes across his mind. He wants Barty, and for some reason the other boy wants this picture of Evan he has in his mind. Evan isn't ready to shatter that and lose whatever this is yet.
So Evan runs, turns around and sprints into the Slytherin common room, tripping up the stairs to his dorm and slamming the door with quick breaths. He can't let Barty close, he's afraid he'll burn up if he does.
He's afraid of freezing over if he doesn't.
----
It's been two weeks since Barty tried to talk to Evan in front of the Slytherin entrance. He knows Evan can feels whatever this is that's happening, knows this heat doesn't just belong to himself. There's no way it can.
Barty's actually kind of pissed that Evan ran away, Barty wants to grab the blonde boy by the shoulders and shake him, kiss him, push him against a wall and worship him.
He doesn't give two shits that they're young, doesn't care that he's never seen healthy love in his life.
Barty groans and kicks his sheets off, stumbling to the door and stomping his way down the stairs, out of the common rooms and across the castle to the kitchens. He does this when he can't sleep, sneaks off to the kitchens and asks for hot chocolate and a snack, it usually helps to some degree.
He's used to the kitchens being empty, so when he slams the door open and a tiny body falls off the counter into a heap of robes at Barty's feet all he can do is blink at it until the small frame until pales hands flip the robes over and a Hufflepuff boy stares up at him.
The boy is pretty to a fault, not a blemish in sight on his pale skin, curls perfectly sculpted even though they rest is a nasty bowl cut, grey-blue eyes stare at Barty and he feels something click in his soul.
This boy is important somehow. Barty can feel it.
So instead of being an asshole he chooses to do something he's never done before, try to be nice.
"Hey, sorry, I didn't know anyone was in here." Barty offers his hand to the boy on the ground.
"It's okay." A tiny hand slides into Barty's calloused one. Lifting the Hufflepuff is like picking up a feather off the ground. "I should be more careful anyways."
The Hufflepuff dusts his robes off and Barty can't help but stare some more. A very light smattering of freckles dusts across his button nose, and the eyelashes on this boy is just unfair. Barty doesn't feel that heat that he does about Evan, doesn't have the urge to kiss this boy, it feels like he's out of reach. The kind of crush someone forms on a celebrity. You can admire how beautiful they are, and fantisize what it would be like to have them look twice in your direction but it'll never happen, and you go on in life to make connections with real people.
"I'm Barty." He grins, spreading his arms and bowing dramatically.
"Regulus." The other boy laughs out, giving a small curtsey in return.
"You wanna raid the pantry for some icing?"
"I think you've just read my mind, Barty."
Yeah, this is going to be a friendship to end all friendships. Barty can tell in the way Regulus matches Barty's quips, can tell in the way the smaller boy fits under his arm as they walk out of the kitchens, dipping cookies into tubs of ice cream and giggling under torch light. Barty doesn't know what it means to put effort into friendships or romance, he much prefers what it feels like to have Regulus and Evan, to meet their eyes and feel something snap into place, like the universe is telling them 'yes, they were made from the same star as you' it makes Barty feels like he doesn't have to tip toe that awkward stage.
It makes Barty feel alive.