La Vie Continue (Life Goes On)
"What are you doing?" Regulus asks from the doorway, watching his brother jump with fear and whirl around to stare at him. A half-packed suitcase sits open on his bed, clothes and other items strewn about the room messily.
"Nothing, Reg." Sirius snaps quickly. "Go back to sleep."
He doesn't move, instead choosing to glance around the room, all of Sirius's favorite things are in that suitcase. All except for his old leather jacket that doesn't quite fit right anymore, that hangs off the post of his bed frame.
"Are you... are you leaving?" He whispers, Sirius's worn-down boots are laced up and all of his jewelry is on despite the slices on his fingers, and he must have put some make up on or taken a healing potion because his black eye looks less visible, and his split lip has closed.
Sirius doesn't say anything, but he stands there, in the center of his room, surrounded by memories that Regulus can see so clearly. This room is where Regulus lost his first tooth, and on the bed is where Sirius first told his siblings that he was going to be more than just an heir. That closet is where Ceres used to hide her siblings Christmas presents because Sirius was more likely to spontaneously combust than to clean his closet.
"Are you leaving us?" Regulus repeats, his voice shaky as he forces it to be a normal volume. He's always known that Sirius wasn't going to make it in this house, the older boy is far too rebellious, and believes too much in staying true to himself.
Again, Sirius doesn't say anything, but this time he doesn't need to. Regulus knows.
Tears cloud his vision and before he can force them away, they're spilling don his face in more abundance than he's ever cried before. The thought of Sirius abandoning them to this cruel house breaks something vital in Regulus's chest, forcing the younger boy to grip the spot over his clothes and gasp for breath.
"You- you can't." He pleads. "You can't- I n- I need you."
Sirius looks to the floor now, then to his suitcase, which he closes and holds firmly by the handle.
"I have to." Sirius says softly. "I can't take it anymore."
"Then- then take me with you." Regulus bargains, taking a step into the room, not caring that his eyes haven't stopped streaming tears yet or that soon his nose will be dripping snot everywhere. "Take me with you."
"I can't." Sirius whispers, shaking his head. "I just can't."
"Please." Regulus sobs. "Please don't leave me- I- I'll do anything- just please don't go."
Soft hands cup his cheeks gently and Sirius's thumbs rub circles into his cheeks to wipe away the tears, his grey-blue eyes swim with resignation.
"I'm sorry, Reggie."
"I'll never forgive you." He threatens, managing to gather the last of his conviction despite the wobble in his bottom lip. "If you leave me here, I will hate you forever."
Sirius's eyes soften, and he smiles sadly, dropping his hands from Regulus's face and picking up his black leather suitcase, packed with all the things that make this room his. Then, he walks away. He doesn't say anything, he doesn't look back, he doesn't try to barter for Regulus's love because he doesn't need it anymore.
As Regulus crumples to the floor, forehead to the carpet and eyes dripping salty water into the fibers, he vows to never let anyone abandon him again.
Sirius Black will be the last person Regulus ever allows to hurt him like this.
------
The morning they go back to Hogwarts is a quiet one, Ceres doesn't speak, and Regulus doesn't push her to.
Neither of them eats, or drink, he knows neither of them slept. He'd heard her walk down the hallway last night, to Sirius's room.
Neither of them goes into his space, he's pretty sure that since that night no one in this house has even touched the bronze doorknob.
Since Sirius left, Ceres has been an empty shell of the sister she once was, like all of the soul inside of her has been washed out. All it does is add to the pile of reasons to hate Sirius even more, which Ceres can't even manage to do. Regulus thinks it's some backwards way for her to cope with the reality of what happened, the way she's just shut down completely doesn't seem healthy, but if it keeps her here then Regulus is going to let her have it.
Walburga doesn't speak to them either, she doesn't even glance their way, her pale skin looks almost grey now and her eyes are sunken in like she didn't get much sleep either. Sirius was her favorite child, her protegee, her pride and joy. As disgusting as it is to see, she's hurting too.
That's why Regulus walks up to her this morning, and that's why he wraps his arms around her waist and rests his head on her chest.
Maybe Walburga knows that her children are hurting too, maybe that's why for the first time that Regulus can remember, she wraps her arms around his back and squeezes him tightly. Maybe that's why when Regulus pulls away, she turns to Ceres, and she pulls her eldest daughter into an embrace.
"I'm sorry I'm such a terrible mother." She whispers, eyes closed and a single tear falling down her cheek. "I don't mean to be, I just am."
Those words don't erase the years of pain she's put them through, and they don't heal the thousands of scars she's left littered across her children's bodies and souls, but they make Regulus feel loved anyways. Those words confirm what he'd always suspected; Walburga Black is just a hurt person hurting other people, she loves her children in the same way that a butterfly loves the rain. Unable to survive the phenomena because of the pain, but oh is it beautiful to watch the flowers grow from the ground.
She sends them off in silence, though she presses a kiss to Ceres's hairline, cupping her eldest daughters face with a gentleness Regulus hasn't ever seen from his mother.
Ceres closes her eyes and tips her head back, leaning into Walburga's embrace, lithe fingers wipe away the two tears that slide down her cheeks before she grips Regulus's hand and pulls him into the fireplace, away from the cold embrace of their mother.
The platform is bustling with people per usual, kids running back and forth between their parents and groups of friends without a care in the world. Regulus idly wonders if in some other life he's allowed to be like one of those kids.
He stays in the compartment when Ceres leaves to make her prefect rounds, it's her sixth year and she's on track to be head girl next year if she keeps up with all of her studies and extra curricular activities.
When the door wheels back open, Regulus expects it to be Barty or Newt- Xenophilius graduates this year and he's probably driving himself to Hogwarts in his muggle car.
It's not who he expects though, instead of any of his friends, Remus Lupin is the one who slides inside and closes the door softly.
"Hey." Remus says quietly, an almost pitiful look on his face.
"What are doing in here, Remus?" Regulus sighs, pulling his feet onto the bench and leaning his head back on the windowpane, looking out at the passing trees.
"I wanted to talk to you." Remus settles down across from him, adjusting his bright red tie with a strained smile.
"Then talk." Regulus says, already exasperated.
"You're upset." Remus observes. "Because of... because Sirius left?"
"Something like that."
"You can't blame him for-"
"Fucking shut up." Regulus rolls his eyes, slamming his feet back onto the ground and leaning forward in his seat to glare at Remus. "Seriously, fucking shut up. I can blame whoever I want, I can be mad at whoever I want, I can hate whoever I want. I'm sick and fucking tired of people telling me what I can and can't do, you know why?"
Regulus leans further into Remus's space; his heart is racing, and his hands feel a bit sweaty. Remus got really hot over summer, and Regulus feels a bit on top of the world with this newfound ability to not give a fuck if he's being rude.
Remus swallows harshly and licks his lips. "Why?"
"Because I can do whatever the fuck I want." Regulus says quietly, but he watches his words register in Remus's mind and then they're both moving before Regulus can really think about how bad of an idea it is.
Remus's lips are soft, but nothing about the kiss is gentle, one of Remus's hands grips the curls at the base of his neck tightly and the other slides up his thigh to grip his waist and push him back into the bench. Regulus buries both his hands into Remus's hair and pulls himself closer to the older boy.
It's exhilarating and breathtaking at the same time as its the stupidest thing Regulus has ever done.
Remus wrenches himself away as soon as Regulus thinks that he should, and they stare into each other's eyes while sharing the same air, chocolate brown swirls searching through storms as if the clouds have any answers for him.
"Why did I do that?" Remus whispers but doesn't pull away.
"Because you can do whatever the fuck you want?" Regulus suggests, Remus laughs. "Want to do it again?"
For a moment it looks like Remus is going to say no, and he should.
Remus should say no and pull away. He should say that he's in love with Sirius and that doing this is only going to hurt everyone in the future.
Regulus should push the werewolf away and find someone to talk to about his self-destructive feelings instead of forcing Remus to indulge in them. He should force Remus back out of the compartment and go back to his sulking.
But kissing Remus is the best he's felt about himself since Sirius left, and it's the most beautiful he's felt since James had pulled on one of his curls and called him pretty.
So, Regulus presses his lips to Remus's again, and he lets the older boy push him down onto the bench even though he shouldn't.
----
"You did what?" Barty asks, jaw hung open and eyes almost bugging out.
Newt sits propped on his elbows next to the dark-haired boy, feet in Barty's lap and a similar expression on his face.
"I made out with Remus." Regulus repeats, a bit strained. "Like a lot- like a lot, a lot. He's really good."
"That's haunting." Newt says with a head shake. "Haunted, Regulus. I'm haunted."
"Shut up." Regulus blushes and Newt grins. "I didn't mean to-"
"How do you make out with your ex-brothers crush on accident?" Barty asks incredulously. "I thought you liked Potter."
Regulus lets his eyes flick over to where James has one arm around Lily Evans's shoulders and the other around Sirius's as they sway back and forth and chant some song that no one else knows. Remus is looking at them and laughing loudly and the shy one, Pettigrew, is cackling as well. Mary McDonald has her hand in his and is hiding a smile with her hand.
The thing is that Regulus does like James. He likes James so much that it physically hurts to look at him most days.
He also hates James Potter. Not just for stealing Sirius away from his family but also for leading Regulus along, for pulling him by an imaginary rope just to drop him the second Lily Evans decides she's available. He's not stupid, he knows now that James never liked him.
"I do. Did." Regulus corrects himself. "But he doesn't want me, and Remus... I don't know, he thinks I'm pretty."
"I think you're pretty." Barty says softly. "And I think you're worth way more than some half assed no labels relationship with someone who looks at you and wishes you were your brother."
Barty's right, and it shouldn't hurt so much to hear that, but it does. He doesn't understand why he's not enough for anyone. He's not enough for James to want him, not enough for Sirius to stay, not enough for Remus to want him for anything other than his looks.
So, Regulus stands up and glares down his nose at Barty, it's easier to focus on what Barty said than what it means.
"Fuck you, Barty." He spits, then turns on his heel and marches away, pushing past Sirius's stupid group of Marauders a little more violently than he needed to on his way into the castle.
He isn't sure where he's going, just that his mind feels like a million razor blades are digging into it while thousands of voices overlap just to tell him everything he's done wrong and all the ways in which he'll never measure up.
Eventually he just slides down the wall of an empty hallway and buries his head into his hand with a loud sob, digging his fingernails into his scalp and gripping his hair tightly. If his mother wouldn't have a heart attack about it, he would probably tear it all out. He feels like screaming, like punching something or hexing someone to stone. He wants to find Sirius and force him to explain why he couldn't bring Regulus with, or why he couldn't just stay until they could all leave together.
He wants to know what made Sirius decide that life without Regulus and Ceres was a better life than with them. He wants to understand what he did to make Sirius stop loving him, or if he'd said something wrong.
He wants to scream at Walburga that finding Ceres a suitable husband isn't their top priority and forcing it down her throat is only going to hurt everyone.
He wants to know what he did to make James Potter choose Lily Evans over him.
"Are you alright?" A voice like bells in summer rain asks gently, and then there's a soft hand on his, pulling the destructive digits away from his face. "They told me not to follow you, but you seemed upset."
When Regulus looks up, he almost groans in annoyance, because of course the universe would send Lily Evans to comfort him when he's at the worst he's ever been before.
"I'm fine." Regulus chokes, trying to force his body to stop shaking.
"Oh, sweetie, you're crying." Lily coos softly, and she raises her hands to cup his face and wipe away his tears. "Would you like a hug?"
Regulus looks into her eyes then, and for how green they are, they're so warm. Regulus understands then, why James would choose Lily over him. This girl is perfect, with her shiny lips and soft features, flaming red hair that Regulus all of a sudden would really like to touch, freckles that he wants to connect like constellations.
He feels his bottom lip wobble and before he can stop himself, he's sobbing out loud again.
"You're so beautiful." He cries, pushing his palms into his eyes. "Why do you have to be so beautiful?"
"I'm sorry?" Lily chuckles nervously, sitting down cross legged in front of him, hands resting gently on his knees. "I think you're very beautiful."
"Not like you are." He counters.
"Well, that would be pretty boring, wouldn't it?" She says lightly and it makes Regulus pause. "I believe that beauty only exists in uniqueness, and you are so beautiful Regulus."
It's clear to him then, that he didn't do anything wrong for James to choose her. Lily should be chosen, deserves more than anything the happiness that James can give her. Suddenly, it's all so clear. James wasn't ever going to choose Regulus because he and Lily were made for each other, cut from the same kind soul, both radiating sunshine like the forces of nature that they are. It's impossible to not like Lily, it's impossible to not love James.
He doesn't stop the mirth that bubbles in his chest, letting out the loudest laugh he's ever allowed himself, his whole body shaking with the force of it. Lily takes a moment to stare at him, but pretty soon she's giggling with him, those bright green eyes crinkled in the corners and her smile wide.
"I like you, Regulus." Lily says when their laughter dies down. "I think we'd make good friends."
"Oh yeah?" Regulus smiles and tilts his head, leaning his ear on his arm and staring up at her, trying to drink in and memorize how pretty she looks in this light. "Sirius hasn't entirely destroyed my character then?"
"He's certainly tried." Lily chuckles. "You've been quite mean to him, though."
"Yes, well." Regulus shrugs. "That's what happens when you abandon people, they tend to get a little mean."
Lily hums and squeezes his knee, then lays her head on her hand, so they're looking at each other close up and cross eyed.
They don't talk about Sirius again, and neither of them mention James at all. Truly they don't even talk about anything important, Lily tell him about her sister and so Regulus tell her about his. Regulus goes on a very detailed rant about astronomy magic, different spells being the most powerful under certain stars, and Lily listens raptly, even adding her own theories and asking Regulus on topic questions that make it clear she's listening.
It really is impossible to hate Lily, and the more he talks to her, the quicker he falls.
With James, it was immediate. Regulus saw him and just knew that that boy was going to ruin his life, that James was going to consume his every waking thought and take over the last pieces of his soul.
With Lily, it was gentle, a simmering heat to James's bubbly boil. Regulus didn't ever imagine that Lily would be someone he even became friends with, and actually up until this moment he thought that he couldn't ever like a woman the way he does men.
Now he sits here, his heart swelling and his cheeks hurting from smiling so much, and he's falling for another person he can't have.
----
Minerva McGonagall never wanted to be a teacher.
She'd worked towards being an auror her entire life, but when Dumbledore presented an opportunity to teach children how to perfect her favorite subject she had reluctantly taken the offer.
It wasn't her first choice for many reasons. For one, most children are very difficult to teach, especially the ones who don't want to learn- she knows because she used to be one of those children who did not want to learn- since they'd rather have fun with their friends or see the world than learn how to turn a plant into your missing house keys. Another is how upsetting it can be, to watch her students struggle with their personal lives in ways that she cannot comprehend nor fix.
Ceres M. Black is one of the most promising students Minerva has ever had the pleasure of teaching, and it's more than heartbreaking to watch the young girl lose her spirit right in front of her very eyes.
"I'm so sorry, Professor." Ceres says panickily, running her hands through usually kept hair. "I can't believe I forgot to write that essay- I'll stay up late tonight and get it done, I swear."
"It's quite alright, dear." Minerva smiles, gesturing for Ceres to take a seat across from her on the other side of her desk. "I'm confident in your understanding of the material, so why don't we forget about it just this once hm?"
The girl heaves a relieved sigh and sinks into the plush red chair like a house of cards blown over by the wind.
"Thank you so much." Ceres says tiredly. "I really appreciate it."
"Of course." Minerva waves her wand and summons the supplies for tea, motioning for Ceres to pour herself a cup which she does. "I actually wanted to talk to you about something else, if you don't mind."
"Of course, Professor." Ceres nods, pouring herself and Minerva a cup of tea.
"Thank you, dear." She says, nodding to the tea. "You see, I believe that you have a very bright future after Hogwarts, and I'd like you to become my apprentice."
Ceres fumbles the spoon she was scooping sugar with and in her attempt to catch it, knocks her glass off the table and it shatters once it hits the ground.
"Oh god- I'm so sorry!" She rushes, bending down to pick up the pieces with her bare hands.
"No, no." Minerva stands, circling her desk and touching Ceres's shoulder fleetingly. "You shouldn't touch broken glass, Ms. Black- allow me."
The older woman waves her wand at the mess half-heartedly and watches as the cup reconstructs itself and fills again with tea before bending at the waist to pick the glass up and settling it in Ceres's hands.
"You're safe in here, dear." Minerva reminds her. "You won't be punished for mistakes nor accidents."
The reminder seems to relax the young child more, and she leans back in her seat with tired eyes, cupping her drink close to her chest as Minerva sinks back into her seat.
Ceres has always been a pillar of strength to her peers, a statue of perfectly concealed emotions and carefully contained wild magic. Most children fear her, and most teachers thinks of her as some kind of prodigy, but Minerva knows better.
Ceres is a child whose mind grew faster than her heart could handle. She's academically advanced not because she's some kind of prodigy but because she's put in the work to achieve her goals. She's put in the effort to get what she wants, and Minerva believes wholeheartedly that she deserves it.
"I don't think I'll be allowed." Ceres says, looking into her teacup as if it's divination class. "My mother is arranging my marriage right now, and I imagine I'll be expected to produce an heir before I'm allowed to pursue any type of career."
Minerva has to take a moment before she responds, she's been on the unfortunate end of Walburga Black's anger more times than she could count. They used to be friends, before Walburga had been dragged down and drowned in the blackness of her family tree.
"I'm sorry to hear that." She says, instead of her gut reaction to yell at the poor girl to run and run as fast as she can. "I wouldn't ask too much of you, just a few hours out of your afternoons to help me grade papers and bounce some projects off your brilliant mind."
Ceres blushes lightly, always one to downplay her skill even if it's obvious she's the best one in the room.
"Thank you, ma'am." She says politely. "But my family has just lost our eldest son, and if anything happens to Regulus in this upcoming war, they want... they want to make sure we have contingency plans in place."
"Of course." Minerva says, forcing herself to keep her tone light and kind. "Well, there's no harm in asking your parents, be sure to let them know there will be payment involved. I'll keep the spot open for you, Ms. Black."
"Thank you." The girl says warmly, with a genuine smile. "If things were different, I promise you I'd be jumping at this opportunity with no hesitation."
"Oh, I know you would." Minerva chuckles. "I've heard of your tutoring from other students, do you enjoy it?"
"Honestly, ma'am." Ceres smiles brightly, true passion radiating from her as she continues. "It's the best part of my day. The Potter boy has improved at charms by leaps and bounds after I got him started on meditation- and Lupin, already very brilliant but entirely inflexible yesterday said to me that he's almost got the patronus charm entirely down, which is so much improvement. Oh! And theres a second year Slytherin girl, she's not in your class yet but you're going to adore her once she is, her transfiguration skills are truly a work of art."
Minerva feels her chest swell with pride as Ceres continues on about an older Hufflepuff boy who was failing every class but magical creatures before she started tutoring him, and now he has all straight O's. She'd always wanted a daughter, or a niece, someone to pass down her knowledge to, someone willing to learn and to listen.
It wasn't her first choice, to become a teacher, but looking at Ceres, watching her grey eyes light with passion over the cultivation of young minds for the first time in her life, Minerva thinks she understands why Dumbledore wanted her here.