Des Châteaux Qui S’effondrent (Castles Crumbling)
Regulus can't focus on his charms paper.
It's not that he doesn't want to- normally keeping on top of his schoolwork is very important to him- or that he doesn't find the material interesting. It's just that after Ceres shows James how to do something, while he's trying it himself he sticks his tongue out the side of his mouth and draws his eyebrows down. It's very distracting.
Regulus has decided that if Sirius is his brightest star, then James is the Sun.
He knows James only sees him as the annoying little brother, which is fine because Regulus is happiest pining from his table while James attempts an Accio charm for the fifth time.
"James." Ceres says, lowering his wand arm with the tip of hers. She has a thin almost black wand with thorned vines carved from the handle to the tip. "You need to focus."
"I'm trying!" James groans and sinks into the chair across from Regulus. "I really am, I just... I don't know my mind is just running in circles."
"You could try the spell with something you actually want?" Regulus bites his lip after he suggests it, having James' eyes on him makes his heart jump.
"What do you mean?" James asks, tilting his head and leaning closer, making Regulus feel warm all over.
"I mean, if you try the spell with something you can focus on wanting to come to you, maybe it'll work better?" Regulus twists his quill in his fingers and gazes at the Gryffindor who's looking at him like Regulus is puzzle he can't find the last piece for.
James leans closer as Ceres picks up Regulus' half-finished rough draft. James studies Regulus before something flashes in the older boys' eyes and he grins.
"Reggie, can I use you as target practice?" He lowers his voice and licks his lips, glancing at Regulus'. "I want you to come to me."
Ceres slams the paper down and levels a glare at James, who leans back and looks away. "Careful, Potter." She says through a tight jaw.
Regulus feels like he's died and gone to heaven. His body is warm and his thighs tense together on reflex, hands stilling and ears turning so red he could start bleeding, and no one would even notice.
"U-Um... you can- if you want to, I guess."
"No." Ceres says. "That's too dangerous, if he does it wrong he could pull an organ out of your body or make you trip. We're not doing that. Regulus, go find Sirius. He's been gone too long. I'll find James a book on meditation, maybe that'll help."
Regulus nods his head and stand up, quickly escaping to the nearest row of books hidden from them to pat his face and take a couple deep breaths. He can't wrap his head around what just happened. Was James flirting with Regulus? That doesn't make any sense. They've known each other for two months, and Regulus is around a lot, mostly because Sirius doesn't leave him alone in public since the sorting. It's like Regulus is the fifth Marauder, he doesn't want that title and would much rather have some alone time.
It's actually even more surprising that Ceres keeps managing to dodge the last member, it doesn't seem to be on purpose but it's interesting that she hasn't demanded to meet all of Sirius' friends. Maybe she has and Sirius said no.
Finding his brother is easy, Sirius is very loud. Regulus doesn't expect him to be with Remus, but he is.
The third full moon since school started has passed, Regulus charts the stars every week and catalogues the moon cycle every night, and Regulus has put together a pattern. The day before a full moon Remus Lupin looks ghastly and doesn't eat very much, sometimes even skipping meals. The day after a full moon, Remus Lupin gets sick and is stuck in the infirmary until nightfall. Two days after he's bounced back to an almost normal, eating properly, talking with his friends, though he still looks quite ill.
He doesn't have enough information yet, to have a solidified theory- or to ask Remus, which he wouldn't ever do anyways because that's terrifying.
Regulus holds ne finger to his lips behind Sirius when Remus' eyes land on him and Remus looks away, continuing to murmur.
"-need to figure out how to ask her-"
Regulus strikes then, jumping on Sirius' back with a giggle. The taller boy yelps and stumbles forward, Remus holding Sirius by the arms as Regulus hangs on tight.
"Guess who!" Regulus grins into Sirius' ear.
"Reggie!" Sirius' complaining voice is very high pitched. "You scared the shit out of me- don't do that."
The younger boy slides down and fits himself under Sirius' arm, cuddling close to his brother.
"Sorry, I'll stop." He grins slyly and winks at Remus, who's fighting a smile. "For today."
"Ugh, what do you want petit monstre? (Little monster?)" Sirius squeezes Regulus' shoulder though, to let him know he's not actually annoyed.
"Ceres told me to come get you- what are you guys talking about?" Regulus is very interested in his theory- and if Remus were to tell anyone it would be Sirius.
"Just uh... homework?" Sirius tries.
Both of the other boys raise their eyebrows at him, but Regulus won't call him out on the lie and Sirius knows that. It's why he's such a terrible liar.
"That's not true." Remus says, apparently having no such qualms about calling out lies. "Sirius wants to talk to your sister about something, but it's delicate and he isn't sure how to approach it."
Regulus is a little offended that Sirius would go to Remus for that, firstly, Remus is very blunt and while quiet, is not subtle. Secondly, if anyone knows Ceres even a little bit better than Sirius, it's Regulus, and Ceres would much prefer to solve the problem while talking around it than to have it sprung on her and told to fix it.
He doesn't voice this though, too scared that Sirius will say something he doesn't want to hear. Too scared he'll make it sound accusing and Sirius will be upset or defensive.
"Oh- yeah, okay. Um, if you just pull her aside and tell her that you want to talk about something really delicate, she'll be gentle about it. She doesn't want to hurt you, Siri."
Remus grins. "I love that little nickname."
Sirius blushes. "Shut up, Remus. I don't need your help, Reggie; you don't even know what we're talking about okay?"
Regulus flinches a little, not enough to pull away but enough for Remus to tilt his head and stare for a moment too long. It stings, what his brother's said. Sirius doesn't see Regulus as anything more than a child who needs to be protected and has no clue what they're talking about. While Regulus is a child still and doesn't know everything, he knows people. He knows his sister, and he knows Sirius. Everything that makes them tick, makes them happy, sad, angry. Every word to avoid and face not to pull. He knows how to balance on his toes so the eggshells beneath his feet don't crack.
Sirius has always taken care of him, helped him, sang to him, held him.
Regulus needs Sirius, and Sirius does not need Regulus the same way.
"Sorry." Regulus mutters and pulls away. "I'm- um, I'm actually going back to my dorm, I think. I'm tired, I want to get in a nap before dinner."
He's not tired, and he's just going to cry into his pillow because he's overly sensitive and always cries when he feels too much. Regulus can't let his emotions spill out and splash onto other people, so he pours them carefully into bottles and locks them up inside, and hope he's put them somewhere no one can see.
"Really?" Sirius asks and Regulus nods, rubbing his eye in mock tiredness, really just trying to push away the tears there. "Okay, well I have to go see what Ceres wants- Remus? Will you walk him?"
"I don't need an escort-" Regulus protests.
"He gets cranky when he's tired- maybe get him something to eat before you walk him all the way back?" Sirius says and Regulus sighs quietly, no one's going to listen to him right now anyways.
Remus glances to Regulus and nods slowly.
"Great! Thanks, Remus." Sirius ruffles Regulus' hair and takes a step back. "Love you, Reg."
"Love you too." He mumbles back and watches Sirius run off before looking at Remus.
"It's really okay, you don't have to. I know you were... uh, sick yesterday." Regulus twists his robes at his side and offers the taller boy a small smile. Regulus actually really likes Remus, he's not as loud and is just as content to sit back and read as he is.
"I think I have to." Remus shrugs, smiling back. "Sirius would have my head if I didn't. I'm feeling better, also, so it's fine."
There's a pause, which Regulus uses to add to his theory. Magical creatures don't get taught until third year, and there's only one book in the library on lycanthropy, but that's been checked out for a long time. Regulus knows a few key things; Remus's 'sickness' acts up around the full moon consistently, werewolves are ravenous creatures and Remus' plate at dinner is almost always stocked full, werewolves are sensitive to temperature changes and can become extra aggressive in the warmer months while being borderline gentle in colder ones.
Regulus has to crane his neck to look up at Remus and wonders if the older boy just grew really fast or if he's going to end up over 6 feet tall in the future. Werewolves normally grow faster in their human forms than most people do.
"Did you want to stop in the kitchens for some food?" Remus asks gently, sounding like Regulus is a small animal and Remus doesn't want to spook him.
"We can, I guess. I'm not super hungry- let me get my things." Regulus takes a step in the direction of the table everyone was studying at before Sirius wandered away.
"Wait." Regulus tilts his head at Remus who shifts his feet. "I just... I'm sorry. I know you'd rather walk alone, but it's not just Sirius who doesn't think it's... a good idea. Maybe ask your sister about it sometime soon, okay?"
Regulus stares at him and smiles tightly. "It's okay, I know everyone's just looking out for me."
"Still," Remus says, gesturing Regulus ahead and falling into step next to him. "I think you should be able to decide who you're around every second of the day."
Regulus is quiet when packing up his things and quiet when he lets Ceres fret over him and lecture him on getting better sleep. James ignores him for Sirius, which is good because Regulus doesn't think he could handle how confusing it would be if James started flirting with him again.
Remus walks him down to the kitchen where the Hufflepuff boy jumps onto the counter to talk to Ipsy, the head house elf of the kitchen.
"Ipsy is very sorry, we's does not have Master Regulus' favorite snack." The house elf looks at him sadly, folding her fingers together in front of her torso.
"It's okay- I'm not too hungry right now anyways, I'll just eat whatever Remus likes." Regulus swings his feet and smiles at her. He loves house elves, his own, Kreacher, had always been kind to him. Sirius hates him though, so Kreacher and Regulus don't talk as much as they could.
"Ipsy will makes Master Remus' favorite then!" Ipsy smiles at Regulus. "Without the spicy because Master Regulus does not like that."
Remus looks at Regulus as if to say 'really?' and Regulus blushes.
"Thank you Ipsy." Regulus mumbles while ducking his head and Ipsy scrambles deeper into the kitchen, talking with the other elves.
"It's not terribly spicy." Remus says. "Just toasties with this special cheese I bring in."
Regulus hums and looks at Remus's hands, splayed on the counter next to Regulus' own and covered in thin scars. One is shaped like a crescent moon and disappears under the sleeve of his robes.
"You have a lot of scars." This time, it's Remus who looks away.
"I know, your skin is much prettier than mine."
Regulus gently nudges Remus's hand with his own, pale white a stark contrast against tanned skin. "I think you are plenty pretty, Remus. It's not a bad thing to have scars, I have them too, Sirius has a lot, Ceres has even more. Scars aren't ugly, and just because you have them doesn't mean your skin isn't pretty."
Regulus' first instinct to someone's sadness will always be to comfort. He heard some Hufflepuffs talking about how people handle situations like these is what they needed as a child but never got. Even though Regulus is only twelve he knows he never really got comfort as a child. Sirius would always try to fix his problem and Ceres would make them her own. Regulus has never had someone to just tell him he's going to be okay and hold him through the process.
"Thank you." Remus whispers and Regulus smiles. "I get why you're Hufflepuff now."
"Now? You didn't before?" Regulus traces the moon shaped scar with his pinky, he wants to ask how that happened but is afraid to offend Remus.
"I thought you'd be Slytherin." The older boy admits. "The way you got your siblings to calm down on the train? It was giving manipulative vibes, but I suppose you were doing it more for them than for you huh?"
Regulus thinks about it for a moment, looking to the stoves, where Ipsy is patting bread in a pan with a spatula.
"I think so." He says finally.
"You'd have every right to just... yell at them back you know that right?" Remus let's Regulus continue to trace the scars on his hand, it's more in childish awe than wanting to touch. Regulus thinks the little scar on James' cheek is much cuter.
"I don't know." Regulus shrugs. "What would I even yell about?"
"Well," Remus takes a deep breath and raises his eyebrows. "For starters, you were telling Sirius you want to walk alone and he just talked over you." He holds a hand up when Regulus opens his mouth. "I'm not finished, it's not the first time I've watched them just bulldoze over what you're saying to decide for you. Why don't you ever speak up?"
"It wouldn't matter." Regulus waves Remus' hand in an arc in front of their chests. "It never matters what I think, or what I want, Remus and-"
"Ipsy has finished your snacks!" The house elf holds two plates up and grins proudly.
Regulus blushes to the tips of his ears as Remus continues to stare at him with raised eyebrows and parted lips. The smaller boy slides off the counter and takes both the plates, sliding one in front of Remus and shoving the other bread in his mouth.
"Fank'jou I'sy." He mumbles around a mouth full and she giggles before waving at Remus and skipping away happily.
Remus looks at Regulus with that same expectant look, Regulus decides to ignore it and stare at his plate until Remus is finished. It takes a lot less time than he was hoping for.
Regulus hasn't ever said anything like that to another person before. Everything about his siblings or his parents has always lived inside his head, bubbly emotions poured into bottles and shoved to the back of the fridge. Remus has a relaxing aura, something that screams 'you're safe with me'- it might be the slightly oversized robes or the reading glasses hanging by gold beads around his neck, but Remus feels easy to talk to. Too easy, Regulus is afraid the things he said will get back to Sirius and it'll hurt his feelings, he knows Sirius just wants to keep him safe.
"You can't tell Sirius what I said. I didn't mean it." Regulus sets his plate with just the crusts left on the counter.
"I think you did mean it." Remus says, sucks on his thumb, grabs the toasty with both hands again. "I think that was the most genuine I've ever seen you."
Regulus' jaw drops, offended. "Excuse me?" He asks incredulously, how dare Remus insinuate he isn't genuine?
"I'm not saying you aren't like- genuine, calm down." Remus holds both hands up and sets his food down. "I'm just saying that I feel like you force yourself to try and feel things you don't- and if you ever want to talk about it-"
"What? I talk to you?"
"Yeah if you want, Sirius-"
"I don't care what Sirius tells you-"
"You should-"
"Don't interrupt me-"
"You interrupted me first-"
"Well I don't care what Sirius tells you, he's your friend-"
"You're my friend-"
Regulus scoffs hard enough for his throat to itch and he shoves his plate to the side. He almost never let's annoyance talk hold of him like this, but something about Remus makes it feel okay, like he's not going to be yelled at, or hit, or told he needs to shut up.
"We're not friends."
"We could be."
Silence falls around the room like a blanket, even the house elves had stopped to stare at the heated discussion. Regulus glares, Remus' knuckles are white where he grips the counter, but his face stays open and gentle.
"I think we really could be friends, Regulus, and I think you should stand up to Sirius."
All the fight drains out of Regulus and he's left with tears piling in the back of his eyes, his body feeling heavier and throat tightening.
"I can't." He chokes out. "I'm not brave like you guys."
Remus purses his lips and looks like he wants to say something but Regulus smashes his palms to his eyes until he sees stars and then turns to walk out of the kitchens, walking fast enough that Remus can't quite catch up, then disappearing into the Hufflepuff common room.
If Sirius had just let him go by himself, none of that would have happened, Regulus would already be in his bed, cuddled up in a blanket burrito as Newt lay atop of him and complained they hadn't joined the Hufflepuff cuddle pile yet. Instead, he rushes to his bed, charms the curtains shut and buries himself in the covers to sob into his pillow.
Remus was right, it does bother him that his brother and sister always talk about him like he's not there and talk over him, and he should stand up for himself, but he can't. Not without hurting his siblings, not without being left to make his own decisions, which he doesn't even know how to do. Regulus isn't genuine in the way he presents himself. Most of the time when he's talking to people all he can think about is how much he wishes they would just shut up and leave him alone, but he's too scared people will be hurt, or hate him, to say anything.
Regulus wipes his face on the green pillowcase and shoves his face deep into the plush surface, relishing in the limited air to his lungs. He decides he's going to pretend nothing happened, and if Remus brings it up, he's going to act like he has no idea what the older boy is talking about.
Maybe Remus was right about him being more Slytherin than Hufflepuff.
----
Regulus' first year flies by fast once he starts to distance himself from Sirius' friends. At first, he was just avoiding Remus, unsure how to not be awkward, then James would flirt with him one second and completely ignore him the next and it got too confusing, so he started avoiding the beautiful boy too. Since Sirius is always around them, he's been dodging his brother too.
He's been spending most his time with Newt, which is a full-time job, trying to keep him from doing stupid things like freeing the magical creatures used in class.
Newt doesn't have any friends other than Regulus, and Regulus doesn't really like anyone but him and Xenophilius in Hufflepuff. Pomona Sprout is alright, and she seems intent on making Regulus her boyfriend, but Regulus is not interested in the least. Even if he was, his parents would never allow it.
He gets breaks in the evenings when he slips away to the lake to lay down with a notebook and the astronomy sphere Sirius gifted him to chart the rotations of his favorite constellations and make note of the moon cycles.
Regulus has decided that Remus is a werewolf. There's no other explanation for the coincidences in timing. He hasn't told anyone or brought it up because so far Remus hasn't hurt anyone, and Regulus would rather die than make anyone mad at him for spilling secrets that aren't his to share. Probably would die if it was a werewolves secret he spilled.
It's the last night before they go back home for summer break and the air is warm enough that Regulus takes his robes and button down off, sitting under the moon in his under shirt, pants and socks, shoes kicked off close to the trunk of his favorite tree.
Sirius keeps inching further onto the horizon, the Leo constellation sliding away from the sky and should be visible to most of America. Jupiter is especially bright out tonight. Regulus holds the mini muggle telescope he got from Ceres one year on his birthday to his eye to gaze at the other stars, adding some to his map and flipping through his astronomy book to scribble forgotten stories in the margins. He notes that it's a crescent moon, waxing, makes a note of that in the corner of his almost filled notebook.
Regulus has always loved the stars; felt they connected him with his family, his extensive knowledge on it impressing everyone he shows it to. Even Newt, who has no interest in astrology, will sit and listen intently when Regulus goes on long rants about the stories behind the constellations we see.
"Leo should be visible soon."
The voice makes him jump and whip his head around, but it's Xenophilius, standing by the tree, taking his shoes off.
"You're troubled." The blonde boy says and crawls over to lay down beside Regulus.
"I'm not."
Xenophilius hums and lays a hand on Regulus' knee. "You're all blue little star, tell me why."
Regulus sighs and scribbles the Virgo constellation into his notebook next to his own constellation. "I haven't even talked to Sirius in like... four months and he hasn't even noticed. Ceres was all kinds of in my business about it and Sirius- well why would he need me when he has James Potter and Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew? That's his real family you know?" Regulus presses the tip of his quill into the paper a little harder, Xenophilius sits patiently to listen like he always does. It's impossible to hide what you're feeling to him, and once Regulus found out that pretty much no one else really talks to or understands Xenophilius he started ranting all of his problems to the older Hufflepuff. "Like I just don't matter anymore as long as he has them to distract him. It's fine you know- if he likes them better, I can handle that, but I need Sirius-"
"You don't need the brightest star in the sky to see, little one, you need the sun to see, the star to guide you and the little planet to build a home." Xenophilius squeezes his knee and lets Regulus try to decipher that. "You need the rose to learn to love and the thorns to learn to heal."
The brightest star is Sirius, that's obvious. Who's the sun? Ceres is the planet, Xenophilius calls her that all the time. He said a rose and thorns- but acted like they were separate, so twins maybe? or a couple, Xenophilius isn't very consistent with the way he describes people. Regardless, Regulus thinks it's polite to try and figure out what the older boy is trying to tell him.
"So... I need certain people to show me things? Sirius is supposed to guide me? To what?" Regulus asks. Most people just gape and expect Xenophilius to only drop one nugget of wisdom and then dip, but if you just ask him what he's talking about he usually tries to explain.
"The brightest star will lead you to the moon, water will slip through their fingers and form waves that drown the world at the moons misstep. I'm sorry little star- I don't know how to..." Xenophilius sit up to pull on his hair and Regulus sets his quill down to grab the taller boys pale hands.
"Stop- it's okay, I know you're trying. I know-" Regulus soothes and rubs circles into Xenophilius' hand.
"I can't... I want to talk normally, to warn you properly but it all comes out a mess." Xenophilius often breaks down over his inability to properly communicate with others. He leaves little riddles but when he tries to explain the words just twist up in his mouth and slide out more confusing than the riddles.
"It's okay, I know you're trying, Xeno, I know. Please don't hurt yourself." Regulus squeezes Xenophilius' hands.
Mismatched eyes finally meet pale grey ones and Regulus gasps at the unshed tears in them, he's never seen Xenophilius anywhere close to tears before.
"I cannot warn you- I cannot tell you, and you are going to hurt so bad sweet little star." Xenophilius lets out a silent sob and pulls Regulus to his chest. "I'm so, so sorry sweet star, you don't deserve the hurt you'll endure, the person you'll be forced to become. I'm so sorry."
The blonde boy continues to hold Regulus and cry and apologize, Regulus knows better than to interrupt or to ask what kind of hurt is coming. Xenophilius has an unimaginable weight on his shoulders, to know all the answers and unable to save the people he loves from any of it. He'd told Regulus that once when he was a young child, he'd stop a muggle from being hurt at a playground, since he'd seen it happen beforehand, and ten minutes later the child had suffered a much worse fate because of Xenophilius' intervention. So he's never interfered again, and Regulus would never ask him to.
Regulus will endure the hurt, and the pain, and he'll try to solve the riddles, though it's unlikely he'll know what they mean until they've been fulfilled, and he won't ever ask Xenophilius to tell him outright how to fix it, or to fix it himself because Regulus would rather hurt or die than let that touch his friends.