Chapter 2
***Sirius***
The line just to get in the door was longer than the street itself, with people having to wind in on themselves in some convoluted snake that made little sense to any hapless passer-by, just to maintain some sense of order.
Sirius tried to stay still, and wait patiently, make idle chatter with his friends as he did. But the tremble in his hands, and the adrenaline that had been piercing through his veins since that morning made that task especially hard. He wanted to run, to scream, to do something... But alas, he couldn't, he was stuck there, waiting, waiting, waiting...
He slightly resented not having James there. He loved his friends, he did, but they could not stand in for the inherently comforting presence that was James Potter. He needed him right then, to hold his hands like they were in school again, and tell him that it was going to be alright.
Sirius knows that it would have been a lie, there was no guarantee that tonight would go any sort of way, but just hearing it from James would have been enough to convince him, at least for a while.
But James was not there. And anyhow, this was something he'd have to do alone. As scared as he was, this was his responsibility, and his responsibility alone.
They had wisely gotten to the venue an hour ahead, with Marlene warning them that these types of gigs, especially in the standing halls where they had tickets to, tended to fill up quickly, so getting there early was key to getting any kind of view of the stage. Sirius therefore, had taken her advice, which was how they found themselves chilling in third place in the queue.
Sirius honestly thought that the wait might never end, his eyes constantly drifting to the time where it was displayed on his phone screen, the minutes and seconds seeming to pass like drops of pitch before his eyes. It was only when he saw the bouncers start to fiddle with their keys, and glance at their own watches, seemingly counting down the seconds themselves, that Sirius started to have genuine hope that the show might actually start.
That same hope was mixed with that same apprehension he had been feeling the whole night. A sickly feeling in his stomach, an odd cocktail of nervous excitement, and genuine anxiety.
But, as always, time remained linear, soon, the bouncers opened the doors to the venue, and it was happening. It was actually happening. Sirius was again struck with the thought that this couldn't actually be real. He had been praying for it, for so long now, and here he was, about to see his brother for the first time in a fucking decade.
Regulus was twenty four now, much older than what he had been when Sirius had left home for the last time. He wondered what he would look like. Sirius of course had searched him and his band up extensively after finding him initially, but the photos he'd found were all blurry, taking by phone cameras, or dimly lit in ambient lighting.
What would his voice sound like? Sirius could not really remember what Regulus' voice sounded like when they were young. The echo of his brothers' voice in his head had been the first detail to go, followed by the exact colour of his hair, and the sound of his laughter.
Sirius had every reason to expect that Regulus would not sound or look or resemble anything like the boy he used to know. Something about that scared him more than he could ever express. It genuinely scared him to think that he might not recognise him anymore. That he would see him there, and they'd be strangers, no more than people passing each other on the street.
Sirius had been lost in his thoughts, evidenced by the fact that when he felt a light touch against his shoulder, from what was presumable Remus, he found himself in the pit of the venue. Sirius thanked Marlene for her warning, because they had managed to secure themselves a place right at the very front of the standing hall, pushed up against the fence that was separating the people from the edge of the stage.
It was a good seat, Sirius knew that, but regardless, he felt oddly exposed. There was nothing between him and the stage, only about a metre of empty space that separated them. He felt vulnerable. But maybe that was a good thing.
It was done now.
All he could do now, was hope, and pray.
***James***
Regulus was a marvel.
He'd said it since he first saw the man sing, and he'd say it until the end of time, but Regulus Black, was completely and utterly intoxicating.
James loved watching him perform.
Regulus was not exactly out there in his regular life. He tended to be quiet, unless he was out with people he was comfortable with, his laughs were restrained, his smiles tight when in large company.
But on the stage? Regulus was a phenom. He shone as bright as the star he was named after. James sometime genuinely wondered whether or not he was the same person. Or whether the Regulus black he knew, the one who hated getting up in the mornings, and genuinely disliked the taste of coffee, despite drinking it by the gallon because it was the only thing that kept him going, was a completely different person from the Regulus that handled a microphone like he was born for it, or swam in the blinding lights of the bars and theatres he performed in like a swan.
When James brought it up once, Reggie said that he didn't see it. But James saw the way his eyes lit up as he took the stage, the way he stood taller, held his head up higher. He was made for it, and it was clear as day.
Regulus was always tired after a show though. They had a routine by now, Regulus would finish a show, and James would quickly make his way from his place in the audience, to backstage, where Regulus would be waiting for him in his dressing room. They would kiss, and make up for lost time while Reggie had been away, and then they would lay there together, wrapped in each other's arms, pretending like the world outside didn't exist.
That's how they found themselves then, after Regulus' first show of the night. Laying on top of one another, eyes closed but not sleeping, basking in each other's mere presence on the daybed in his dressing room, waiting for the inevitable call that they were about to open the doors to the venue.
While Regulus still had a while to wait, what with the Starting act still due to go on for about half an hour before the main act actually began, but if James wanted to get a seat in the main hall, which he preferred, he needed to leave before the pit got too full, and he couldn't sneak in through the stage door.
Soon, despite both of them willing the hands on the clock to slow, a runner knocked on the door, calling to let them know that the doors had just been opened.
Reluctantly, James peeled Regulus off from where he was situated quite comfortably on his chest, immediately missing his warmth. He checked that he looked somewhat appropriate for a concert in Regulus' mirror, before allowing himself to be escorted through to the hall.
It was a beautiful venue, an old building, that had been converted into a music hall, sometime in the early 1990s. It was fit with lush red carpet on the upper floors, gold railings, and burnished brass fixings. The domed ceilings making the acoustics a perfect balance between crisp and surreal. It was Regulus' favourite spot to perform, and James understood why.
He was not the first person there, some people had already started to gather around the front, a big group of people who were all talking amongst themselves clumped towards the middle left hand side of the railing, and some stragglers dotted along the rest of the way. James managed to find a spot bang on in the middle, right in front of where Regulus would be performing.
It took a while for everyone to file in. But the stream of people into the place was steady, every few seconds another group would come in, holding a beer or another cup of something or other, aimlessly searching for the best place for them and their friends to situate themselves for the night, before finding some spot in the corner, or in the middle of the floor somewhere.
But eventually, the room was packed, each inch of the floor was covered with people, a jumbled mess of colours, distorted by the filtered lighting. From what James could see from where he was sitting, the seated areas seemed to be experiencing the same crowded sort of situation.
When the bouncers shut the doors, signalling the start of the night, the room quickly became hot and stuffy, the room filling with the smell of sweat, and the combined scent of four hundred odd people's perfumes.
The starting act was this guy that Reggie had found on his tour last year, an indie artist based in Scotland who was a failsafe for if and when their actual supporting act that they had booked needed to take a break.
They had liked him so much that they hired him for their next tour. He was good, really good, and the crowd was enjoying it, but it was clear that he was not the one they were there to see.
He finished his setlist, and had begun packing up his things, ambling around the crew who were currently setting up the stage for the main performance.
It was about ten minutes before the lights had started to dim, and someone on the PA system was announcing that the show was about to begin.
And then there he was.
Standing there, completely bathed in fluorescent lights, looking like an angel, as his hair reflected the lights like a halo.
James had to physically pry his eyes away from his boyfriend, in order to take stock of the rest of the band. He had met all of them by now, they were all Reggie's mates essentially.
Barty Crouch on drums, he was a family friend of Reggie's parents, but they had become fast friends, especially due to their shared connection of shitty parents, and homophobic families.
Then there was Evan and Pandora Rosier, on guitar and keys, they were twins, both in Reggie's year at school.
Lastly there was Dorcas Meadows on bass guitar, the group found her at a bar they were playing in when they had just started, and invited her to join their band.
They were a crazy bunch, and every time James hung out with them with Regulus, someone always ended up getting insanely high of acid, or getting hit by a llama, or accidentally flying to Fiji. But they all fit together like glue, every night they spent together, they finished wearing grins as big as their faces, their throats sore from laughing.
They each caught eyes with James as they were getting themselves ready, sending him a subtle nod to acknowledge his presence in the crowd. The last to do so was Regulus himself, who locked eyes with him for a good twenty seconds, before James had to tear his eyes away, for fear of arousing suspicion.
And then the first chord was struck, the sound of it reverberating in James' ears, and James knew it was going to be a fun night.
***Sirius***
Shit.
Shit.
Fucking Shit.
That was literally all that was echoing around Sirius' mind as he stared at the stage. Because there he was, in all his glory. His brother that he literally had not seen since he was a child.
He was taller now, much taller, he looked stronger too. When they were kids, Regulus had always been scrawny, his bones always just peaking out from under his skin. But now, Regulus seemed healthy, his arms defined where he had evidently built up muscle.
He looked like his brother, Sirius could find in his features a resemblance to someone he used to know. But he looked changed, like the years had not only matured him, but shifted his features in some pattern that Sirius would never again be able to trace.
It made him sad, yes. But it also made him strangely happy. For so long, he was scared that neither of them would ever be able to leave their parents house, that they would die there, finally overcome by some cruel punishment designed by their mother.
And when Sirius left that night, unable to withstand the torture anymore, he was worried that he had left Regulus to die in that house.
But seeing him there, looking healthier and happier than Sirius had ever known him to be... It made him happier than he could ever describe. Even if Regulus never wanted to see him again, or if he spat on the floor in disgust at his presence, whatever his reaction to his being there, this would be enough for Sirius. To know that he was alive, and thriving.
Aside from that though... He was having a lot of fun actually. Reggie's band was good, really good. They did not play the kind of music that he thought they would.
He kind of regretted not listening to their music beforehand, what with him having been so pre-occupied by the thought of seeing his brother again, that he had kind of forgotten that in the process of that he would be going to a music concert.
So when they had started playing, he was struck by the fact that he knew none of the words. His friends seemed alright though, evidently they had done the sensible thing, by listening to some of their music when Sirius had told them the name of the band, and memorising the lyrics to some of their songs, because they were quite happily singing along as they played.
Sirius heard the final strum of one of the guitars, signalling the end of the first song.
'Thank you, thank you.' Regulus said into his microphone. His voice was deeper than he remembered. 'And welcome to what is quite possibly, my favourite little corner of London.' Regulus laughed as the locals from the area cheered at the acknowledgment.
Regulus seemed to lock eyes with someone in the middle of the front row, his eyes softening, 'we'll be kicking off tonight with one of my favourites, a song I wrote, for a very, very special person.'
Regulus leaned away from the microphone to count the rest of the band in, and a second later, someone on the keyboard was playing a repeating melody, the drums chiming a second later with a soft beat.
Regulus seemed to keep his eyes close to the same person in the middle as he sung.
It was hard to keep track of the song, Sirius almost allowed himself to get lost in it. So he only really caught the last few lines of the song as the music vibrated in his ears.
Right where your father died
I'll hold on to, your hand
So terrified of the road that takes you
Me too
Don't modify, everyone adores you
At least I do
Everybody has you up on their wall sometimes
Everybody thinks of you when they sleep at night
When I say Everybody I'm actually
referring to me
It was a love song.
Something about that, though Sirius wasn't quite sure what, genuinely shocked him.
Regulus seemed to be beaming as he sung it, his smile peaking over the edges of where the microphone covered. The person who was on keys seemed to be also on back-up vocals, and she chimed in every now again with soft vocalisations underneath his melody.
It was lovely.
He genuinely could not believe that his brother, who genuinely refused to smile as a kid, could make a love song.
She was lucky, whoever she was that Regulus was dating. Sirius assumed that she was here tonight, what with the way that his eyes kept sliding over to the same spot in the room, his smile growing bigger each time he did. He didn't think anyone else noticed, but then again, most of the people in the crowd were too preoccupied with singing along to care.
Sirius hoped he'd get to meet her one day, if things went well.
And things were going well... Until that was, it came time for the second song.
As the final chord struck, Regulus finally tore his eyes away from where they had been fixed the entire song, and his gaze began roaming around the entire auditorium as the beat to the next song took up.
That was, until he seemed to catch sight of something, his head doing a double take, looking back to where Sirius' group was standing. Suddenly, Regulus was making eye contact with Sirius, and the full weight of his gaze fell heavy on his shoulders.
Sirius knew that in doing this, this would have to happen, they would have to look at each other to even begin having a conversation.
But somehow, in actually doing it, Sirius had less and less hope that he'd be able to muster enough courage to actually say a word to his brother. Already Sirius' throat felt dry, his words seeking shelter from the sheer heat of Regulus' gaze, far from where Sirius could use them.
All throughout though, Regulus kept singing, though Sirius payed no attention to the lyrics or the melody. All he could focus on was the way that his brow was slightly furrowed in confusion, a general look of shock seemed permanently plastered to his face. But deeper than that, Sirius could see the old anger, rising to the surface in his eyes. Sirius understood why.
They played song after song like this, each time, Regulus' gaze swapping from its old spot in the middle, to where it had made its new home with Sirius, until the lights went up, and started to flicker.
Regulus smiled as he spoke, 'It's interval time people! Go get a drink, get a snack, and we'll see you back here in twenty minutes.' He immediately ran off stage.
Sirius felt a pang in his chest, and had this horrible inkling, that he'd just fucked this all up
Suddenly, Sirius heard a voice beside him, it was Mary.
'Hey look at that guy, coming towards us.' She said, pointing to a guy who was all but running towards them. 'Doesn't he remind you of someone?'
Sirius looked closer, 'Oh shit!' He laughed, momentarily forgetting the massive shit pile he had dug himself into, 'yeah, who though?'
The man was next to them now, though still a good few metres further away from the stage then they were. It was clear that he was not actually trying to get to their group, Sirius looked behind him and saw a door to the backstage, he assumed he was a tech person or maybe a stage manager.
As he passed them though, realisation struck him, 'shit he looks a lot like James doesn't he?' Sirius whispered, so that the man, whoever he was, would not hear him. On closer inspection, he looked a lot like James, he even had the same tattoo of a winding flower twisting down his arm... oh shit.
'Oh fuck, I think that might actually be James.' Mary whispered beside him.
'Why the fuck is he going into a staff door?' Sirius said.
'No fucking clue, should we follow him?' Mary suggested.
Sirius quickly nodded, heading towards the door that was just closing from where the might-be-james had opened it. Mary quickly gestured for the rest of the group to follow them, and without much prompting, they all quickly headed off.
James walked quickly, but they managed to tail close enough behind to see where he went.
In a matter of seconds, they reached a door which was guarded by an intimidating looking bouncer. Sirius thought that surely he would turn James away, or ask what he was doing there... but no.
'Thank fuck James, Jesus what took you so long?' The bouncer said, opening the door he was standing in front to let James pass.
'Christ Emmet he only bloody left the stage thirty fucking seconds ago, I got here as quick as I could.' James said, exasperated.
'Why the fuck does he know James by name?' Marlene whispered, from where she had come up next to Sirius.
'That's what I intend to fucking find out.'
'And these guys?' The bouncer said, putting a hand on James' shoulder. 'They with you James?' He pointed towards them where they were standing, a little bit down the hall.
James turned around to face where the bouncer was pointing, his face immediately going pale as the white walls next to him when he saw who had evidently followed him from the hall.
'Fuck my life.' James said, banging his head against the doorframe, 'So you're the one who's got Reggie like this huh? Let them through if you want to Em, but I need to go sort this out, shit this is worse than I thought.' James said, quickly running through the door.
Sirius was then left alone with his thoughts, which were currently whizzing around his skull with the speed of a thousand F1 drivers.
'What the fuck is happening.' Someone said behind him. It was probably Lily. Sirius realised that he had yet to explain why he was actually there, which probably made this situation all the more confusing.
'I'll explain in a minute.' Sirius said placatingly, still not turning around.
'So who exactly are you?' The bouncer said, tearing Sirius from his thoughts.
'I'm Regulus' brother. And James' best friend.' Sirius said, looking down.
He laughed, 'Good luck. James said you could go through, so I guess it's fine. Any funny shit, and I'll have you on the pavement in a second you hear?' He said, his voice turning deadly serious.
They nodded, trying not to let their hands tremble to visibly, as they made their way through the open door.
They came to an open hallway, with a black door that seemed to be a wing-entrance to the stage, and a few white doors, which were presumably dressing rooms for the performers.
One door, was left ajar, and the sound of familiar voices was spilling through.
'Do you want to talk about it?' It was James' voice, quiet and comforting like it usually was.
No-one responded, but the sound of crying echoed through the hall. It felt wrong to listen in on what was obviously a very private conversation, but no-one made any moves to leave.
'I'm sorry that I can't help with this, but I know you, and you'll get through this, and I'm here okay?' James said, again.
'I know. I know you are. I'm sorry you've got mixed up in this shit.' It was obviously Regulus who spoke this time. His voice sounding the same as it had up on the stage... but smaller somehow, more broken.
'Fuck.' Regulus said, 'Shit. I can't believe he's here. What the fuck am I gonna do Jamie?'
'About that...' James started.
'What? Oh christ, what's happened that could possibly be worse?'
Someone behind him took that as their cue to sneeze, because suddenly the room which they were standing in front of had gone silent.
'Shit. They're here aren't they.' Regulus said.
'Probably.'
A second later, the door to Regulus' dressing room opened, and a very red-cheeked looking James Potter was standing in front of them.
'Care to explain what the actual loving fuck is going on?' Sirius said, his voice rising in pitch.
'hey, maybe we shouldn't go into this like that...' Remus said, placing a calming hand on his shoulder.
Sirius didn't respond.
After a moment of awkward silence, James moved from where he was standing in from of the doorway, allowing the rest of the group to go in. Inside, was a pretty standard dressing room, fit with a table and chairs, a small daybed that probably moonlighted as a couch, and a makeup desk.
As he walked in, Sirius caught sight of Regulus, where he was sitting on the floor, his back resting on the sofa. He looked disheveled.
His hair was ruffled from where he had evidently been passing his hands through it, and his face was red and puffy from crying, his eyes glassy with tears.
He only looked up when James walked over, quickly making space next to him for him to sit.
'James what the fuck are you doing here? How, and why the fuck do you know my brother.'
James looked at Regulus, a question that Sirius couldn't decipher, clear in his eyes. 'I'm- I've known him for four months. But I only knew he was your brother for three.' James said after a moment.
'And what, you decided not to tell me? Decided to keep this massive fucking secret from your best fucking friend?' Sirius said, his voice rising in pitch again.
James scoffed, 'I'm sorry, Sirius, but who the fuck are you to talk about secrets, huh? You kept a whole fucking brother secret from me, for fourteen fucking years. For our entire friendship Sirius. No. You don't get to talk to me about keeping secrets. Plus, this was not my fucking secret to tell.' James said, defiantly.
'You should have told me James. And you know it.'
'I asked him not to, brother. I didn't want you to know where I was, where to find me.' Regulus joined in.
'Why?'
'Why the fuck do you think? You left me to die, brother, and then I never heard from you again, not even to say that you got out safely, that you weren't dying on the streets somewhere, never mind to make sure that I survived that night. Do you still need explanation?'
'I'm sorry-'
'Your apologies mean nothing to me. Genuinely. They are empty.' Regulus looked him in the eye, 'Maybe ten years ago, they would have meant something, but here? Now? With nothing to back them up, but more empty words? They are as good as fools gold.'
There was a minute where no one spoke. None of them able to find words that wouldn't feel out of place there.
James looked up, a sort of torn look that Sirius had never seen in him before. 'I think you guys should go, the show's about to start, and Reggie needs to get on stage. Why don't we all meet up after? Have a drink at a bar, so we can talk?' James looked at Regulus, as if for confirmation.
When he nodded, James looked back at Sirius, his eyes hopeful.
Sirius nodded, the rest of the group providing some sort of assent as well.
No one spoke as they all filed out, the group descending into an ungodly silence. As soon as they got into the hall though, the rest of them fell into easy chatter again, seeming to forget the contents of the previous conversation. \
Sirius however, stayed silent, mulling over every word in his head, until all his thoughts were drowned out by the vibrations of the bass in his ears, the drum of the speakers flaring to life again.