Chapter 3
***James***
The rest of the concert passed quite uneventfully. But James could see that the events of the intermission were weighing heavily on Regulus' mind.
To the naked eye, he seemed fine, his performance didn't suffer for it, and the fans were clearly oblivious to any personal issue that Regulus was facing. But James could see the way the spark that lit up Regulus' eyes had dulled, the tired way his shoulders fell, or the way his eyes still seemed perpetually glassy.
It genuinely killed James to see him like this.
He got why Sirius had come there. He understood that he wanted to see his brother again. But he just fucking wished he'd gone about it a bit better. It was clear Regulus wasn't really ready to see him yet, James hated that he was having to rush this thing that so desperately needed to be done on his terms.
He could tell that what Regulus actually hated about this was not that his brother was there at all, it was more that this all was happening outside of his control, that he didn't get to choose this, it was thrust upon him. Like all the other shitty things in his life.
James, in what was a rare moment of weakness, didn't know how to help. He was always the person you could turn to for a good solution for a problem, or a conflict. But this one? James had no easy solve.
He couldn't put this situation fully back into Regulus' hands. Sirius' coming there unprompted meant that that was impossible. The only thing he could do, was make sure that Regulus was okay, and if that meant turning Sirius away, so they could have this conversation some other day? He'd do it in a heartbeat, consequences be damned.
He let Regulus know as such when they returned to his dressing room.
'It's okay Jamie. It had to happen at some point. I just fucking wish I could have done this in my own time.' Regulus said, tying his hair up in a loose knot at the back of head.
He looked at himself in the mirror for a moment, before turning around to face James.
'Thank you so fucking much for being here Jamie. I'm sorry that you're kind of getting caught in the crosshairs here. You don't deserve that.' Regulus said, wrapping James in a crushing hug.
James wrapped his arms around his boyfriend, 'You're worth it.' he kissed the top of Regulus' head, pulling him in tighter. 'Are you ready? You know you don't have to do this if you don't want to. I'm not gonna let him force you into this, you know that.'
Regulus kissed him softly on the mouth, 'You're too good to me. No, it's fine Jamie, I might as well do it today, while I have the chance. Get it over and done with, I guess.'
'As long as that's what you want.' James said, kissing him a final time before ushering them both out the door and out the backstage exit, which led to the staff car park.
It was a cold night, harsh and biting, so they both wrapped themselves tightly in their thick coats and scarves before making their way to the front, where they knew Sirius and his friends, and Regulus' band mates would be waiting.
Regulus had invited them to make sure that there was at least a few people loyal to him there, lest things go horribly wrong. Not that he planned that they would.
It was odd seeing them all together, James thought. His two lives brought crashing down to share a seemingly pleasant conversation. Barty was making idle chatter with Remus, and James thought he could see Pandora subtly flirting with lily out the corner of his eye.
It was like he'd walked into some strange parallel world.
James gave Regulus' hand a final squeeze before he let it go, as they neared the group. James hadn't really talked to Regulus about what would they would do now, in terms of telling people about them, now that Sirius was here, but he thought it best to play it safe.
'We're going to St. Mary's is that alright?' James said, more to Regulus' friends than his own, since they wouldn't know where that is.
'Yeah I'm down with that' Barty said, turning to Evan to see if he agreed.
'What's St. Mary's, James?' Marlene said, probably voicing the question most of his friends had.
'Oh, it's our favourite bar, in the centre of town, not too far from here. You'll like it don't worry.' James said.
'Oh, James cut the bullshit.' Evan said, coming up next to him.
'What? You don't like St. Mary's now? Goodness, and here I was, thinking I knew you.' James said, feigning betrayal.
'Oh no, don't get me wrong, it's fucking amazing, but it's a bit of a shithole, no? Maybe don't get your friend's expectations up.' Evan laughed, trying to sling his arms over James' shoulders, despite being at least a head shorter.
Barty gasped in fake horror, 'How could you say such a thing about our lady? Honestly, youths these days, no respect.' All three of them burst out into laughter as the rest of James' friends looked on in confusion.
James realised that they'd probably never seen him like this. He knew he acted differently when he was around Regulus' friends, and maybe that should have scared him. But in a strange way, he knew that the way he was around them, was more himself? If that made sense.
He loved his friends, more than anything, but they very much expected him to be a certain way, to be a certain person. He used to be that person, for sure, when he was younger. But now? He wasn't so sure he was that person anymore, it wasn't a bad thing, but he'd changed, as everyone has to eventually.
But with them? They had zero expectations of what James should or shouldn't be. And it was nice, to be completely free to be himself for once, to have someone like him for who he was now, not who he had been.
But then he felt bad, because it wasn't really his friend's fault he didn't feel comfortable. It was on him, really. He had outgrown the box he had put himself in, and he was scared that his friends wouldn't like his new shape. But he hadn't even given them a chance to see it, to prove him wrong.
As he said, it wasn't too far from the venue, so soon enough, the entire group was standing in front of a rather grimy looking building, with a weather worn sign labelling it 'The Queen Mary'. James honestly had no clue why Regulus and them called it St. Mary's, but he vaguely remembers a story involving a lost alpaca, and an accidental train ride to Nice, that had explained it quite nicely at the time.
It was an old pub, that had converted itself to a bar when it underwent new management. It wasn't the most... hygienic establishment on the earth, but then again, you'd be hard pressed to find one in London.
But the place was big, which meant that there was always a semi-quiet spot that you could actually hear yourself think in, and their drinks were cheap as shit, which didn't matter too much to Reggie and them, what with them all having outlandish salaries from tours and gigs and all that shit, but for James, who was currently relying solely on a primary school teacher's income to make ends meet, it was a bonus.
They found a place to sit, big enough for all of them, which was frankly a fucking miracle on a Friday night, James then took Regulus to go order a round of drinks for the table.
As they rounded the corner, Regulus immediately slipped his hand into James', and James felt like he could breathe again.
'James...' Regulus started, trailing off as if he didn't know how to word what he wanted to say.
'What, sunshine?' James said, turning his head to fully face him.
'I think we should tell Sirius. Or at least, let him figure things out on his own. That's only if, obviously, you wanted that? I don't like making you keep secrets from your friends, it's unfair, and I can see that you don't like it.' Regulus said, meeting James' eyes.
James breathed out, 'And you're okay with that? You're not just saying that for me?'
'Jamie, trust me, this would be as much for me, as it would be for you. I hate not being able to kiss you in public, I hate not being able to tell you I love you, I hate not being able to hold your hand. Plus, we don't even need to tell him outright. We can just hold hands in front of him and let his little brain do the work.'
'You are seriously underestimating the sheer obliviousness of your brother, darling.' James laughed as the bartender came up to them, but he didn't try to argue with his boyfriend's plan, if it meant no more hiding? It was a plan he would be happy to follow.
Once they got back to the table, they didn't take their hands back from where they rested in the other's.
***
Regulus and Sirius had been idly catching up, talking about Regulus' band and Sirius' job, both of them too afraid to start the real conversation, when Remus decided to do the hard bit for them.
'I'm sorry... to interrupt,' Remus said, cutting off a rather boring conversation about a pot roast Sirius had made the week before, a look of genuine worry on his face, 'But, genuinely I can't get it out of my head. What did you mean back there?' He said, meeting Regulus' eyes for probably the first time.
'When I said what?' Regulus replied.
Remus' voice suddenly drew quiet, his eyes shifting half from Regulus to Sirius then back again, 'When you said... When you said Sirius left you to die?' He whispered. Despite this, the group took a collective breath.
It was what the whole group had been thinking, but had frankly been too afraid to ask, even James, who despite having talked to Regulus about the topic before, did not really know the full story.
'Do you want to tell him brother, or should I?' Regulus said, his voice growing similarly quiet.
'I think it's best that you tell it, no?'
'Fine.' Regulus quickly coughed, and shifted nervously in his seat before he began, he had the entire party's attention solely on him and the words he was about to say, 'It happened the day Sirius ran away. He had been caught, with a boy, from the neighbourhood. Mother had caught them together in the park, and she had dragged him back to the house by his ear.'
James ran his hand over Regulus' back in a motion that he hoped was comforting. 'It had not been the first time, and I'm sure had he stayed it would not have been the last, but mother seemed In a bad mood, so... the punishment was extra severe. After she started to choke him, I stepped in, screamed at her and batted her hands away. Our father got so angry with me interfering, that...'
Regulus seemed to choke on his words, James could see that tears were threatening to well up in his eyes, 'That he- he cut me open with the letter opener, he had been using.' Regulus pulled his shirt up to reveal a thick pink scar, running across his left side, cutting across his waist. James had seen it a thousand times, but it still made his heart break.
'Shit Reggie.' Sirius breathed.
'He looked at me, before he ran out the door, that's all I remember, and then I was out like a light. The next morning, I woke up, in a pool of my own blood, and he was gone. His things were all gone from his room, and his picture was burned off from the tapestry. So, does that answer your question Remus?' Regulus said, looking up to see the horrified faces that each one of them were wearing.
'I assumed...' Sirius began, his voice trailing off.
'You assumed what, Sirius?'
'I don't know what I assumed. Whatever it was I was wrong for it.' Sirius said, rightfully looking ashamed. '
'You were a child, just as I was Sirius, I can't blame you for what happened, and I can't blame you for leaving, I can only blame you for not taking me with you.'
'I didn't think you'd come. You seemed so into all that bullshit that mother and father would talk about.'
Regulus laughed, 'And I was lying Sirius! It was all a fucking act to get them off my back! Had you talked to me, even once, you would have known that. I never bought into their insane bullshit, never.'
'I was wrong, Regulus, I was wrong about a lot of things. I was wrong for leaving you there, I was wrong for not coming back, I was wrong for it all.'
Regulus just shrugged, as if he didn't know what to say, already halfway in the process of downing the entirety of his drink, he then looked to James for permission to down his as well. James chuckled lightly under his breath before he nudged his glass towards him.
'Come, I'm gonna get us all a round of shots or something, on me. I do not plan on staying sober for longer than I have to tonight.' Regulus said, pushing himself off his seat, his hand still holding James'.
The table took a collective breath, Regulus' words having had released some tension that they didn't realise they had been keeping.
Regulus let James' hand fall, and took himself to the bar to order some more drinks. James could feel Sirius' eyes boring into his side as he left. James didn't think he'd caught onto their relationship yet, knowing Sirius it'd probably take them declaring their love for each other, and then making out right in front of him, for him to even begin suspecting something was up.
However, James knew that he was probably still angry about the whole secret for four months thing. James knew that he could not be blamed for keeping this from him, it was not up to him to tell him about Regulus, and in no universe would James have ever told Sirius about Regulus without his express permission, but he still felt that aching guilt anyways.
He still felt it every time his best friend met his eyes, every time he saw that look on his face that told him 'I don't even know who you are anymore.'
He didn't have to endure it for very long, because soon Regulus was back, holding a tray with several small glasses of god knows what, and shoving one into each of their hands.
James leaned into Regulus' ear as he sat back down. 'So what poison am I about to ingest?'
'I think it's tequila.' Regulus said, plopping the tray back down on the table.
'You think?' James laughed, looking at his boyfriend in confusion.
'Angel, it's all gonna get me drunk the same, so to be honest, I couldn't really give a shit what it is.' He replied, clinking his glass with James' before emptying its contents down his throat.
James quickly did the same, half-wincing at the sharp taste of it as it hit his tongue. James quickly felt it as the alcohol entered his system, the pleasant numbness that filtered through his skin, and quietness that filled his mind.
He felt as Regulus took his hand again, and pulled him towards the dancefloor, calling for the others to join them, and the rest of their group quickly filtered in, partnering off and moving to different corners of the floor.
James could see the bog standard couples, like Sirius and Remus semi-slow dancing in the corner, and Barty and Evan, who quickly disappeared into the bathrooms. But then there were more surprising pairings, Pandora and Lily seemed engaged in a very animated conversation, despite the noise of the music that seemed designed to make you shout to even have a chance of being heard, as well as Marlene and Dorcas, who both shared a red tinge to their cheeks that bloomed brighter each time they caught each other's eyes.
It was cute. It was also nice having all of them pre-occupied with their own romancing, because then James felt less of a need to hide away his own.
He quietly put his hands on Regulus' waist, relishing the way his fingers fizzed as they made contact with skin. Even now, four months in, James still got butterflies, not that he was complaining.
James gently swayed them along with the music, the world seeming to drown away at the edges, until all that was left in the universe, was the two of them, standing at the centre of the abyss.
'Have I told you recently how much I love you?' Regulus said, reaching on his tip-toes to find James' ear.
James smiled as he kissed him on the cheek, allowing Regulus to rest his chin on his shoulder. 'You may have said it once or twice.'
'Well I'll say it again. I love you Jamie, so much, actually. I don't know why, I know we haven't been going out so long, but you make me so fucking happy. Looking at you is like watching the sun come out from behind the clouds on a cold day, you make my life brighter just by existing.'
James could tell he was slightly tipsy, his words slightly blurred at their ends, but his eyes welled with tears all the same, 'Christ Reggie, of course you're a fucking musician, with words like that? Goodness you could convince a king to give you his crown.' James laughed as he pulled Regulus in closer to his chest.
'I didn't say anything that wasn't true. You're my light, angel. I'm sorry more people don't see it.'
It was Regulus' turn to pull him in closer now, he snuggled his head into where it was now resting on James' chest. Had James had any more sense, or perhaps had he had a little bit less to drink, he would have worried about people seeing them. But right then, in that moment, he actually couldn't give a shit, because he fucking loved his boyfriend, and his boyfriend loved him back, and the world was going to be alright.
***
A few drinks later, the group found themselves sitting back down at the table, allowing themselves a moment to sober up before they started drinking again.
Regulus looked genuinely happy. As though the worries that usually filtered through his mind like rocks had been drowned out for a moment. It was nice to see him smile so loosely, so freely, other than when he was on stage. It made James happy to see it.
Regulus and Sirius seemed to be getting on well. They had talked about a lot of things over the course of the night. About Reggie's band, their parents, Sirius had told him about Remus, and their engagement. They were not perfect, but they were working things out, and it would be okay.
James had brought them a round of shots to kick them off again, when Sirius changed topics.
'Anyways, enough about me, when's your girlfriend gonna get here? Or has she gone home already, probably.' Sirius said, his words still clear, but James could see the way that his words fell out his mouth that Sirius was rather tipsy.
Regulus looked genuinely confused, he looked over to James as if to say 'What the actual fuck is this guy talking about.', and he said just that, 'What the actual fuck are you talking about Sirius?'
Sirius looked frustrated, 'At the concert, you were singing a love song, you kept looking at someone during it. I assumed you were singing to a secret lover or something.' James choked on his drink, feeling oddly called out, though he knew that Sirius had not yet made the connection.
Remus however, looked over at him where he was still bent over coughing, and gave him a knowing look. But then again Remus was always uncomfortably perceptive.
'Sirius,' Regulus began, in a tone that was oddly similar to one that you would use with a child that just asked 'where are the storks' in a maternity ward, 'I'm gay. Where the actual living fuck did you get the idea that I had a fucking girlfriend?' Regulus said, looking at him with genuine disgust.
'Alright my bad, join the club why don't you? But the question remains the same then, when's he getting here?'
'Um...' Regulus seemed genuinely at a loss for words. I mean, they were right there, but yelling, 'he's behind you!' pantomime style didn't really seem to fit the vibe of the conversation.
'Sirius-' Remus said, evidently trying to change the subject, but Regulus cut him off by doing something that many people might have classed as stupid.
Regulus leaned over his chair, towards James' where he was sat next to him, gripped his face with the gentleness one might have handling a puppy, and kissed him on the mouth.
James, genuinely not expecting this development, forgot their audience and leaned into the kiss, eyes closing.
He faintly heard whoops and shouts, most probably coming from Evan and Barty, who had been pushing for them to reveal their relationship essentially since it started, which broke James out of his trance.
He pulled away from the kiss, but Regulus stayed close, his head lolling against James' shoulder. James unconsciously stroked his curls.
'Does that happen to answer your question, by chance?' Regulus laughed.
Sirius looked at them in shock/horror. As did probably the entirety of James' friend group. To be honest, James felt no sympathy for them, sure he might not have made out with Reggie on the dancefloor but he hadn't exactly been subtle about it. It was honestly a them problem if they hadn't caught on by now.
'Shit, oh fuckedy fucking shit. Holy crap. Oh my god.' Sirius said, seemingly stuck in a loop of never-ending swear words.
'Well done sweetheart I think you've broken him.' James said, kissing the top of his head.
'Oh please for the love of god don't call him that.' Sirius said, looking on the verge of tearing his own hair out.
'What? Sweetheart? What would you rather me call him? Pookie bear? Sugar tits maybe?'
Sirius gagged, 'Oh god, I might have a heart attack. James since when are you gay?'
'Since I was born? I guess.'
'Fair. This may make me want to genuinely throw up, and James I might have to have a talk with you at some point that involves threats of death and things of that nature... But can I just ask you this, Reggie?.
'What?' Regulus said, a smug smile stuck permanently on his face.
'He makes you happy, yeah?'
Regulus' eyes softened slightly, 'Unbelievably so.' James blushed fiercely.
Sirius looked over to James' direction, and looked at him with a look that seemed to say 'And you too?'
James smiled, 'more than I can say.
Sirius took a deep breath, clearly collecting himself, 'I am slightly, no, actually scratch that, I am... more than a little bit, mad that you neglected to tell me about it,'
Remus laughed at that and murmured 'Good save Pads.'
Sirius just glared in his direction, 'But... I love you both. Sorry, I'm still adjusting to this whole situation, but I'll get over myself eventually. But either way...' He paused again, as if what he was about to say caused him pain, 'If he makes you happy Reggie, then, no way in shit am I going to stand in your way. I- I don't want to be the person that gets in the way of your happiness again Reggie. And I'm sorry that I have been. It was nice seeing you again, Brother. I've missed you.'
James knew, without even looking at Regulus, that he'd find a small glistening patch of unshed tears gathering at the corners of his eyes.
After Sirius' proclamation, the whole group seemed to release a breath, allowing themselves to return to the somewhat easy conversation that they'd enjoyed before.
'To be honest Sirius, how the fuck did it take you that long to notice?' Barty laughed from across the table, inviting the warm buzz back to the table.
'I mean, in hindsight, a lot of things are starting to make sense.' Sirius joked.
'what like the holding hands, and the slow dancing?' James laughed, as Regulus got up to set himself down in James' lap. Now that they were out, he didn't really give a shit anymore, it was nice just to exist together, rather than having to hide constantly. James thought he could get used to it.
Sirius nodded gravely to himself, 'Yeah, shit like that.'
James made eyes with Regulus, mouthing the word 'oblivious' as he nodded towards Sirius,which made Regulus giggle as he took a sip of his drink.
Lily came up behind him, 'I for one think its great, you work well together.'
'Thanks lils, much appreciated.' He said, half grimacing at the intrusion of it all. As much as he was glad his relationship with Reggie was out in the open, it was really fucking weird having everyone's eyes on them, watching them, like they were a new discovered species at a zoo.
****
Eventually though, the interest in them died down, so much so that James could actually get a word in to Regulus without someone interrupting.
'Hey, love.' He said, bringing up a hand to stroke Regulus' cheek with his thumb, 'How're you feeling?'
Regulus' eyes were slightly glazed from the drinks they had steadily been downing over the course of several very awkward conversations, 'Very, very fucking drunk. What about you angel? Got a new halo yet?'
James scrunched his brows in confusion, his mouth lifting into an easy smile, 'What in god's good name are you on about?' He said, his smile bursting into full on laughter.
'Drunk.' He said, as if in response. 'However though, if anyone were to know anything in God's name, it would be you angel.' He said, taking another sip of his drink, 'Being from heaven and all.'
James almost felt as if he couldn't breathe with how much he was laughing, 'God, I do love you Reggie.' He said, leaning in to kiss his cheek.
'Even when I make no sense?' He said, blearily rubbing his eyes.
'Fucking, especially when you make no sense. Jesus Christ you're funny.' He said, his laughter dying down to an ember, a warmth that spread between the both of them. Comforting and warm.
'Keep using language like that, and you'll keep proving me right angel.' Regulus said, allowing his head to flop down onto James' shoulder
'Sure, sure.'
****
After a moment, when they were sure everyone was either too preoccupied, or too drunk to notice, they snuck back off to the dance floor, and found themselves a relatively secluded spot by the back.
Shrouded in the shadows of an all-together too unlit bar, they held each other tightly in their arms, as the only constant in a world that was very quickly evolving around them. As anchors in a sea that they could no longer predict.
For that moment, in a shitty bar in south London, the world was concentrated to that spot. Gravity shifted, pulling everything in their focus to one narrow avenue. For that moment, the question of their relationship was no longer a question, but a certainty. No longer something that was bound to be debated by the public online and in forums, but solely, and uniquely theirs. And maybe that was enough.