nobody’s son, nobody’s daughter

Regulus is in shock, he might actually throw up. Pandora grips his arm reassuringly. She’s very good at soothing her friend. 

Sirius looks at his younger brother. It’s shortly after the show and they’re sitting in the vip area, Sirius had just finished taking some photos with fans and saying hi to them. But stepped away to meet his brother.

It’s been so long since they’ve actually seen eachother. And now that it’s happening Regulus has no idea how to react. 

Sirius looks him up and down before actually looking his brother in the eyes. He seems less shocked or just better at hiding it.

“Hey, Reggie…Uh-You look great. How are you?” he smiles in a way where you know he’s being genuine.

Regulus looks down at his outfit, he dresses way different then he did before. He’s wearing a t-shirt with The Cure's “Disintegration” on it, one of his favorite albums.  He’s also wearing a pair of baggy black trousers with a chain on one side. He’s not sure if they’re his or Barty’s because most of their stuff is similar sizes and styles, also Pandora’s and Dorcas’s hall closet is quite tight with both of their clothes in it. Last week Barty walked around in a sweatshirt for the entire day without realizing it belonged to Regulus and not him. 

He’s also wearing a cardigan that Dorcas crocheted for him. It’s soft and warm. It’s black with a few purple flowers and white stars on it. His shoes are black boots that he found at the goodwill bins, they’re a little big though. He doesn’t normally wear makeup but Regulus wore some black eyeshadow under his eyes and some contour to masculinize his face. He’s got a rosary on (although it’s Pandora’s so it’s pink) and a smaller necklace with a gold star on it. He looks good, but less gothic than he used to dress. 

When Regulus identified as a girl he was pretty trad goth, except he didn’t have a bats nest or wear white foundation. However he had almost everything else. 

Regulus doesn’t quite feel like his response will come out right so he just says he’s fine and grimaces so it looks like he means it. What was he supposed to say? “I’m better than before but I’m off my meds and kind of homeless?” How would sirius respond to that?

“Good.” Sirius says, “I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you too.”

Sirius turns to Pandora, “It’s Pandora now,  right? How are you?”

Pandora smiles, “Yeah that’s it. I’m good.”

Regulus forgot that the last time Sirius saw Pandora she had short curly hair that her parents wouldn’t let go past her chin. And she exclusively wore white, pink, and green. Also at the time she went by her birth name because she couldn’t change it without arousing suspicion.

Sirius smiles at her, “That name’s so cute. I love it.”

Pandora laughs, “Aw, thank you.”

Regulus likes to think that Pandora lives in her own little world. She’s often lost in her thoughts and feelings and sometimes forgets about other people being around her. 

Pandora is fidgeting with her backstage pass that hangs around her neck on a lanyard. Suddenly Dorcas walks over with a very stoned Barty in her grasp. 

Barty looks very delirious, his eyes are glossing over and he’s got a huge goofy smile on his face. He also doesn’t seem to care about either of those things. 

“Hi Sirius,” Dorcas says, then sighing with relief as she’s been dealing with Barty since the show. “Sorry about him, he smoked some weed during the show.”

Sirius hisses through his teeth, “They actually don’t allow smoking in the stadium. But, lucky for you, I won’t tell anyone.”

It’s now that Regulus is noticing how much more feminine Sirius looks now. His hips slightly curve and he has slightly thicker thighs. Is he on HRT? Sirius had publicly come out as genderfluid last year. However Regulus had no idea he was on estrogen.

Sirius came up and grasped Regulus’s shoulder. “I’m so happy you came. I just—In case this is adding any tension between us— i’m sorry about what happened when you last saw James. He said he saw you crying and— I just shouldn’t have told him anything. I’m sorry.”

Regulus is silent. The events of the night he last saw James were running through his head. 

“You do remember the last time you saw James, right?”

…

Regulus remembers the last night he saw James Potter. It was at a house party, they were at Emma’s and because she was quite popular at the time she invited most of the school. Regulus hadn’t expected to run into his brother or any of his friends as he’d been avoiding them like the plague ever since Sirius had run away a few months ago.

He was swaying to the song playing in the kitchen as he poured himself another shot. Regulus had a bad habit of getting drunk as a teen, looking back it was probably because of all his unaddressed trauma that he was trying to repress. Not like he didn’t still do that, but now it was a bit more accepted as an adult.

He downed his shot. He had no idea where Pandora or anyone else was and he didn’t care. He would be too drunk to do anything in about an hour more of this. He was so loopy he didn’t even hear someone walk up to him. 

“Dee! Oh thank god I found you!”

Regulus turned around and looked up at a very sweaty James Potter. He was definitely a little drunk. 

“What do you want, Potter?” he glared at the taller boy.

“Sirius wants to talk to you, he—”

Regulus had heard enough. He didn’t want to talk to Sirius and he most definitely didn’t want to talk to Potter any longer.

James grabs him by the shoulder, “Wait, Deb! Wait!”

He turns around and rolls his eyes, “Shove off, Potter, I don't want to talk to Sirius!”

“But why he misses you and he—”

Regulus doesn’t care and he’s far too drunk for this so he curses at James and goes to make his way down the hallway. 

“Dee! Dee, wait!”

Regulus doesn’t listen to him and keeps walking, he’s not sure where he’s going but he wants to be far away from here. 

James seems to hesitate for a second because Regulus doesn’t hear him approaching.

“Regulus, wait.”

Regulus’s head spun around so fast he was sure his neck snapped, “The fuck did you just call me?” he grumbled.

“I, uh—Sirius told me that you didn’t like being a girl and—”

Regulus stormed over and grabbed James by the collar of his shirt.

“Listen to me you fucker. I don’t know what the actual fuck Sirius told you but I’m not…I’m not like that. I’m a fucking girl, you prat.”

Regulus did know on some level that nothing he said that night was true. However it was easier for him to be in denial than to actually address his feelings.

James gave him a dumb look, “Listen, there’s nothing wrong with being transgender, it—”

Regulus grasped James by the ear, “I’m not like that. Ok?”

At this point Regulus was holding back tears. At fourteen he was still heavily involved in the catholic religion, he had still been brainwashed into believing that he was sick in the head and that if he prayed hard enough it would go away. He didn’t want to accept that he might never stop feeling this way.

“Ok, fine, whatever…” James trailed off, embarrassed.

Regulus let go of him and watched as he walked away. James looked like he wanted to throw himself off a building.

Regulus walked back into the kitchen to grab another shot. He downed it quickly before reaching the living room of the house. In the corner, Barty sat there smoking weed against the wall. 

Regulus walked over and joined his friend who was extremely delirious.

“Dee, you look sad…”

Regulus then realized that a single tear had fallen from his right eye. 

“I want to die, Barty. I’m serious, please shoot me.” he leaned his head on Barty’s shoulder and hugged his arm. 

Barty laughed, “As if Denebora Black wants me to shoot her. You’re fucking amazing why would you want to die?”

“Because I hate myself. And don’t call me Denebora. That name is fucking atrocious.”

Barty started to play with Regulus’s hair, he had recently cut it and it went down to about his shoulders. 

“Look at me,” Barty said, turning to his friend.

Regulus turned to look up at him and when he did Barty propped up his chin with his hand. 

Regulus felt the blood rush to his face, but he hoped Barty wouldn’t notice with only the colored LED bulbs on. 

“You’re fucking awesome. And if anybody is mean to you I’ll fucking kill them.”

Suddenly most of their friendship began to make sense. The way Barty looked at Regulus. The way he always wanted to be around him. The way he holds Regulus’s hand whenever he cries. The way he acted around him in general. He liked Regulus, and Regulus had no fucking idea.

Regulus quirked an eyebrow, “Do you want to kiss me, Barty?” he laughs out, light and dry, almost teasingly.

Barty leaned in a bit closer, making Regulus’s face flush red,  “Kind of,” he whispered. 

Regulus looked at his lips, he looked like he would be a good kisser. 

Suddenly Barty went in for a kiss. And if Regulus is being honest it’s completely adequate. It’s a good kiss. The way Barty cups his face so gently like he’s made of glass. God. 

Barty doesn’t believe in a god but he’s definitely thanking someone for this. This is all he’s wanted ever since he saw Denebora Black for the first time in middle school. 

Regulus isn’t sure how the others will react to the fact that he’s kissing his best friend. But he doesn’t fucking care at this point. He’s far too drunk to be held responsible for this anyways. 

They pull away for a second. Regulus is far too delirious right now and he lets out a laugh. Barty simply smiles at him, god he’s got a good smile. 

It’s then that Barty pins Regulus against the wall and kisses him hard. Regulus gasps lightly as he feels Barty towering over him. God he’s hot. Barty palms at Regulus’s sides before wrapping his hands around his slim waist. Meanwhile Regulus grasped the collar of Barty’s shirt, pulling him impossibly closer. Regulus is praying to god that no one they know is in the room, that would be very embarrassing for both of them. Suddenly Barty pulls back and Regulus freezes, he’s hoping he didn’t do anything wrong. 

Barty takes a moment to catch his breath before taking out his keys and jingling them, “Let’s go to my car.”

They crashed into the back seat kissing and palming at each other. Regulus could feel his whole body on fire as he backed up into the car. Barty slammed the door behind them.

They start to kiss again, it’s nice. But Regulus wants more, he grasps at Barty’s hair and straddles into his lap.

“I don’t have any condoms so we can’t—uhm—“ Barty looked like he couldn’t quite get the words out which surprised regulus because barty was usually quite confident.

He seemed nervous, probably the adrenaline or the fact that he had just made out with his best friend of almost 3 years. But Regulus understood and kissed his cheek, “Barty we don’t have to do anything.”

Barty blinked a bit, “I know it’s just that i want to and i like you a lot—“

Regulus cut Barty off by kissing him. Barty moans a bit into the kiss and pushes Regulus so he’s laying down on his back. Barty begins slowly kissing down Regulus’s pale neck. He bites down a little which makes Regulus moan lightly. It was pretty obvious that Regulus was a virgin seeing as he was desperately trying to keep quiet and ignore the pooling heat between his thighs. 

Barty kisses down to his collarbone before pulling at the hem of Regulus’s dress. It was a cute dress, black with long sleeves, made of soft velvet with a v-neck. Even though Regulus didn’t particularly like dresses he liked this one quite a bit. Regulus lifts his hips up so Barty can pull the dress up and above his head.

It feels a bit awkward with Regulus in his underwear and Barty fully clothed but he really doesn’t care considering how hot he’s getting. Barty takes a second to take in Regulus’s body. Before transitioning Regulus didn’t like his body much. He had hip dips and a small waist and some curves which he hated. Now with Barty looking at him like this it felt hard to not pick out his insecurities.

“Sorry, I—er haven’t shaved in a while.” Regulus mentioned, looking away. 

Barty brushed it off, “It’s fine. I’m not gonna judge you.”

Barty began to kiss down Regulus’s chest, hands running over his tits and down the sides of his waist as he kissed lower. It was taking everything in Regulus not to moan. He thought it would be quite embarrassing since Barty wasn’t even touching him.

It wasn’t until Barty got down to his thighs that he looked up again. He pulls at the hem of Rrgulus’s underwear, “Can I take these off?”

Regulus was too dumbstruck to even form words so he just nodded and slightly lifted up his hips, leaving him in only a bra. 

Once Barty had discarded his underwear he stuck two fingers into his friend’s tight heat. Regulus squirmed as Barty stuck his fingers in, it felt a bit weird when it was another hand doing this. Barty started to thrust his fingers in and out slowly. 

Regulus breathed extremely heavily, he could barely function with Barty’s fingers inside him. His eyes were screwed shut very tightly. 

“Do you want me to-uh-“ Regulus opened his eyes and looked at Barty, “Do you want me to go down on you?” he asked as if it were the most innocent thing in the world.

“If you want to yeah,” Regulus answered, trying not to sound too desperate.

Barty immediately put his head in between Regulus’s thighs and started sucking on his clit.

Regulus laid back, “Fuck, Barty,” he moaned. He didn’t care if James fucking Potter himself walked by this car and saw what was going on.

Wait, why was he thinking about James? Regulus immediately shook off the thought.

Why would he even think of James Potter as the person he would least like to see this? Probably because he was Sirius’s best friend—But why would he care? It’s not any of his business who his best friend’s sister wants to sleep with.

God, stop thinking about James. You fucking weirdo.

Regulus sat up, he tried to focus on Barty. How fucking hot he looked between his thighs. How he looked up at Regulus from the floor of the car. 

At the thought of that Regulus felt himself clench around Barty’s fingers. His back arched at the feeling, “Fuck Barty, more. I need more. 

Barty kept thrusting his fingers in and out, faster now, making Regulus whimper and moan as Barty fingered him and sucked on his clit. 

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Regulus was leaning back on his elbows with his back arched. He was so close. God this was so hot. He was practically grinding himself on Barty’s face and fingers at this point. 

Barty adds a third finger into the mix, making Regulus moan loudly. It was definitely too hot in this car for him and he just wanted to cum. 

Suddenly Barty hit the spot inside of him that made him see white. Regulus’s back arched at the feeling. He felt himself clench around Barty’s fingers. 

“Fuck Barty, I’m gonna cum.” Regulus choked out through heavy breaths. At that Barty starts to finger him faster and faster, pushing Regulus towards the edge. 

Regulus feels himself clench around Barty’s fingers again, “Oh god! Keep doing that!”

Barty kept up his work, his fingers getting soaked by Regulus’s slick. He keeps fingering and licking until he feels Regulus clench again, this time tighter. 

Regulus arches his back as he’s pushed over the edge, “Fuck!” 

He cums hard, all over Barty’s fingers. Barty finger-fucks him through his orgasm, not pulling his face away from his soaked clit.

When Regulus cums he forgets all about James and Sirius, all he cares about is what the fuck Barty just did to him.

When Regulus is finished cumming, Barty laps up his cum from his slick folds. Regulus is laying on his back, he’s completely delirious. He’s way too drunk and high on his own euphoria to do anything. He can’t feel anything. All he can smell is weed from Barty smoking in his car all the time. Suddenly the sobriety seems to come back to him.

Holy shit, he just slept with his best friend. What the fuck? Why did he do that? What had gotten into him? Barty wasn’t even that attractive. He hadn’t even felt anything towards Barty until he kissed him. And even then it was a shock. 

What the fuck did Regulus do? He wouldn’t be able to look Barty in the eyes after this. How was he going to act casual around him when he knew what Regulus looked like fully naked? He was seriously starting to regret this. What if Barty told people? He was definitely the type to brag about girls he slept with. Oh god. What if their friends found out? 

Barty rests his head on Regulus’s stomach. “So…You sounded like you enjoyed that.” Regulus was frozen, he was mortified. How could he let himself do this? Suddenly Barty noticed the shocked look on Regulus’s face. “What’s wrong? Are you ok?”

“I’m sorry, I just—I shouldn’t have done that. I’m sorry.” Regulus sat up and brought his knees towards himself. He fidgets with his hands and doesn’t look Barty in the eyes. 

Barty attempts to look Regulus in the eye, “What’s wrong? Did I do something?” 

Regulus looks down at the seat, he can feel tears welling up in his eyes.

“I’m sorry. I just—” Regulus began to cry. He was disgusted with himself. This all felt wrong. He liked Barty, he knew he did. It was normal to be a girl that liked boys, but Regulus knew nobody would accept him as a boy who liked boys. Hell, he didn’t even know if Barty would accept him as a boy. Did Barty even like boys? 

“What’s wrong, do you want me to get someone?” Barty asked, confusingly grabbing Regulus’s dress from the floor.

“Here, get changed. I’ll be right back.” 

Barty ran out of the car leaving Regulus sobbing inside. Quickly Regulus managed to get dressed as he cried even harder. 

Barty came back to the car with Pandora in tow. Around this time she was starting to dress more feminine. She had a curly afro that went down to about her chin, she wore a white slip dress that went down to her knees and a black cardigan with mushrooms on the sleeves. She was about fifty-fifty passing with makeup she stole from Regulus and hid at his house. She had some eyeliner on her face, puppy liner, and she just looked great. She was happy. She was living her truth. Regulus wished he could be like her.

Pandora climbed in the car next to Regulus and motioned to Barty to go away.

“Me? Why?” 

“I’ll get you when she calms down and then we can go home. Just leave us alone for a few minutes?” Pandora pleaded.

“Fine, Panda, I’ll be back in ten minutes to drive you guys home.” Barty closes the car door and walks out.

Regulus keeps crying as Pandora wraps her arms around his waist, hugging him.

“What happened, lovely?” Pandora asks, stroking Regulus’s hair. He had straightened it that morning but it was starting to frizz up again. 

“Can we just go home Pandora? I can’t be here right now.” Regulus pleaded with her.

“Reggie, you have to tell me what happened.” Pandora coaxed, “I promise I won’t judge you.”

She kissed his head softly as he cries.

“Dora, i think something’s wrong with me…I just—“ he sniffles, “I don’t think I can do this anymore—I can’t just go on lying to myself and everyone about who i am. But my parents will kick me out just like Sirius and—“

Pandora wraps her arms tighter around Regulus as he cries. 

“I’m scared. I can’t live on my own. I don’t have any money. I have no one to live with. I can’t afford rent, I can’t afford food, I don’t even have enough money for a haircut. What can i even do with no money? I mean it’s not like I can live with you because our parents are friends. And I can’t live with Barty, his dad won’t allow it. And Emma’s family can barely afford to pay their bills. Dorcas maybe, but I couldn’t just drop that on her. Her dad just got arrested. Her family is going through too much—“

Regulus buried his head in Pandora’s shoulder, “I’m scared, Panda. I’m scared, I don’t wanna die or have to burden someone’s family. And I don’t want to end up like Sirius. My parents would beat him almost every day. I don’t want that to happen to me.”

Regulus keeps crying into Pandora’s arms, he feels safe here, Pandora is his safe haven. She’s different than any other friend he’s had, she just gets Regulus. He doesn’t have to explain his way of thinking to her. She just gets it.

That night, Pandora and Barty drove Regulus home. Barty dropped them off down the block so their parents wouldn’t hear Barty’s car. Pandora slept over at Regulus’s house and held him as he cried. She knew how it felt to be scared. Scared of what people will say or where to go once your parents kicked you out. Pandora knew, because Pandora always knows, she knows Regulus. She knows Regulus like she knows her own brother, maybe better. Pandora knows how it feels to be the youngest sibling and be pushed away day by day from your older brother. 

Evan never really tried to, but after primary school he started to push Pandora and her friends away. He made new friends, Mulciber, Snape, that lot. They were assholes. They bullied Regulus and Dorcas relentlessly, they stayed back from Barty and Pandora. Pandora because she was Evan’s twin and Barty because he would beat them up. It wasn’t until year nine that they started to leave Reg and Cas alone. By then they were far more focused on getting high and stealing booze from their parents. Pandora never knew why Evan was friends with any of them, maybe because they were popular and they offered a sense of adventure with their constant shenanigans. 

Pandora dealt with Evan leaving her in her own ways. She had healthier coping mechanisms, like hanging out with Reg, Dorcas, and Barty. But she also had less healthy ways of coping, she would pinch herself, shower with water so hot it burned, pull her hair, cry, find someone to hook up with. She was aware that she wasn’t making things better on herself, but the relief she felt from her state of anhedonia made her continue. She remembers all the gay guys she hooked up with just to feel something, she didn’t even like guys, she just did it because no girls wanted to hook up with the weird boy. She let those boys choke and slap her around, she let them do whatever they wanted to her. The notion that someone even wanted her was comforting enough for her to continue. She knew she was being used, but she didn’t care, at least those guys would hook up with her and distract her for a little while.

Pandora held Regulus close to her chest as he finally settled down. Her arms around his slim waist. He was finally falling asleep in Pandora’s arms. Regulus was always smaller than Pandora, when they were little they were about the same size, but after they hit puberty Pandora had grown a ton and was much taller than Regulus. She strokes his hair as he starts to drift off and kisses his temple. Poor Regulus, Pandora loves him more than she loves herself. She would do anything for him. He’s her entire will to live. Who would take care of Regulus if she was gone?

Pandora doesn’t know, or particularly care because of how tired she is. She kisses Regulus’s cheek before closing her eyes and drifting off to sleep.

…

“Of course I remember,” Regulus replies, “It’s fine really, I was just insecure about who I was and didn’t want to talk about it. You’re fine.”

Sirius laughs lightly, “Ok, thanks. I didn’t want to have you mad at me over that.”

“Don’t worry I’m not mad.”

Sirius smiles, like a good smile, genuine.

Suddenly Remus comes over and hugs Sirius from behind, “Hey everyone, we’re gonna do some interviews really quick and then we’ll be back. See you guys in a few minutes.”

Remus grabs his rollator again and walks over to where James and Peter are with a camera and a journalist. He spins his rollator around and sits down in between them.

“Well, I guess I’ve gotta go, but i’ll see you later.” Sirius blows Regulus a kiss, “Goodbye, dearest brother.”

It feels good to hear Sirius call Regulus his brother. He’s always wanted to be seen as Sirius’s cool little brother as opposed to Sirius’s weird little sister. Regulus wasn’t well liked in school and most people picked on him. It was terrible at first but after finding people who liked him he slowly got used to it and managed to brush it off.

But it’s still good to hear Sirius accepting him.

Sometimes that was all he needed growing up.