Week 4
After Friday, I do everything in my power to avoid James Potter. If I see him coming in the halls, I change direction. I take most of my meals in the kitchen now, so that I don’t see him at the Great Hall. I even miss the most anticipated quidditch match of the season, Gryffindor vs. Slytherin, so that I don’t have to see them play.
I heard that Gryffindor lost.
In Potions, James and I speak very little, if at all. Even when I go to that damned third floor bathroom to work on our potion, James doesn’t show up. I know he won’t. Yet, a small part of me always hopes he will.
It’s weird, I’ll admit, going from thinking about and seeing one person almost every second of the day, to suddenly not having them in your life at all.
I feel like I should be used to the sensation, after all the times before. Yet, this time something feels different. In such a short period I became so heavily reliant on James’ comforting smile, on his laugh, on his warm presence… on him, that I feel as though I’ve lost my oxygen. There’s an incessant tight pain in my chest now, like I can’t breathe.
I sit in the library, trying to do homework but fail miserably. All the words on the page swim before me, drowned in the tears that threaten to spill.
I run at my eyes angrily, wanting all the sadness to just go away.
“Hey, y/n. Can I sit here?” A soft voice says.
I look up at Lily and nod meekly.
She opens her books and begins to work quietly. I stare at my own books, still finding no success.
“Uhm, Y/n” Lily says to me.
I glance at her, “mhmm?”
“You do know, James and I will never be a thing right? I’m dating Mary now.”
I give her a smile and a small squeeze to her hand, “that’s amazing Lily, I’m so happy for you. But what does Potter have to do with it?”
“Well, I got the impression that you two liked one another and, as your friend, I wanted you to know that I would never get in the way of that.”
“As much as I appreciate the sentiment, Lily, I promise you, nothing is going on between the two of us.”
“Are you sure? Because at the p-“
“Lily, please.” I say with a strained voice.
A look of understanding crosses her face. Instead of saying anything, she just reaches out and squeezes my hand. I mouth a small thank you then we both return to our respective books.
*****
Ever since Y/n and I’s fight on Friday, I’ve been in a terrible mood. Everyone assumes this mood is due to the fact that Lily and Mary MacDonald have gone official. It’s not. I’m happy for Lily, I really am, but I couldn’t give less of a fuck about her love life when my own has blown up in my face. I’m not unaware of the not-so-subtle whispers of my friends when they think I’m not listening or the stares of all the Hogwarts students who now think I’m available. I’m too despondent to correct my friends or snap at my nosy peers.
I want to be mad at Y/n for what happened, but I really can’t. I mean, she told me when we first met that she had a hard time letting people in, and I pushed her. And now she won’t even speak to me. If she sees me in the hallways she changes directions, thinking I won’t notice. I never see her in the Great Hall anymore and I really hope she’s eating. Even when we see each other in class, there is nothing but silence and tension between us. If Slughorn makes us work on an assignment together in class, it consists of her making the potion while I silently provide the ingredients. It makes me feel slightly better that she looks just as miserable as I feel. But then it reminds me that we shouldn’t have to be miserable, if she just gave me a chance, and I sink back into my misery again.
Time seems to pass like a black and white silent film, and I hate those sorts of muggle films. From pranks to quidditch and even class, nothing seems as fun as it used to be.
“Prongs?”
I snap out of my daze and look over at Sirius, “what?”
“Did you hear Moony’s idea for our next prank? It’s brilliant.”
“No, sorry,” I say shortly, “wasn’t listening.”
Sirius groans and rolls his eyes, “Still caught up on Evans, mate? Look, I get it, okay? You’ve been drooling over her for years. But it’s not gonna happen, just deal with it, okay?”
“Sirius-” Remus interrupts.
“No, I’m sick of him moping around over some girl. Evans is great, but she’s not that great. Not worth being miserable over, or ignoring your friends and giving up on quidditch. You’re better than that.”
I sit up from where I’m laying on one of the couches and glare at him, “You have no idea what you’re talking about Padfoot.”
He scoffs, “Don’t know what I’m talking about? James I’m your best friend, I know better than anyone. I’m always the one listening to you fawn over Lily and watch you follow her around like a lost puppy.”
“If you were really my best friend you would’ve noticed that I haven’t paid Lily any attention in weeks. So fuck off and mind your business.” I bite back, and throw the pillow I was holding at him.
“James, where are you going?” Moony calls out as I storm to the portrait hole. I ignore him and climb out.
I don’t get far before I run into the topic of our discussion.
Lily looks about as mad as I do. When she sees me her eyes narrow, and she grabs me by the collar and drags me towards an empty classroom nearby. Despite my attempts to pull her off me she doesn’t release her death-grip.
“Evans? What the fuck are you doing?” I ask loudly.
“What am I doing? The real question should be what the fuck you’re doing?”
I stare at her, confused, “What the bloody hell do you mean? I was minding my business until you jumped me?!”
She seems to ignore me, “Don’t act all innocent. I spoke to Y/n today. What the fuck did you say to her? When I mentioned your name she was nearly in tears!”
“Why do you assume I did something to her?!”
“Because, Potter, you’re you and she’s her. She’s shy, quiet, and clearly has a big crush on you. I know you may not have realized it, but you certainly encouraged her with your incessant flirting. And after all that you turned her down? I mean, I thought a lot of things about you, but I never pinned you for being cruel.”
“Did y/n tell you all of this?” I ask, my voice dangerously low.
She scoffs, “No, of course not. But I could tell just by her eyes. You have the reputation for being a heartbreaker, Potter, so I put two and two together.”
“Wow, Evans, I really thought you were better than that. I thought you knew better than to make assumptions about people from what you think you know about them. Especially when certain Slytherins make rumors about you because you’re muggle-born.”
We sit in silence for a moment.
“First, I’d like to protect my honor and reputation, not that I need to explain myself to you. I am not a heartbreaker. I’ve only ever dated one person, and that’s it. All these other people that claim I broke their hearts are liars. They were just upset that I was too busy pining after you to notice. Secondly, I didn’t break Y/n’s heart. She hurt me. I confessed my feelings to her and she turned me down, not the other way around. If she rejected me because she didn’t have feelings for me, I’d be hurt but understand. You should know this from when you rejected me. But, Y/n rejected me not because she doesn’t like me but because she’s scared to be in a relationship. And that’s entirely different.”
At my explanation, Lily’s glare softens into something more like pity. I’m not sure which is worse.
“Oh,” she replies, “I- uhm I’m sorry. You’re right, I shouldn’t have made assumptions. I just, I feel sort of protective over Y/n. She’s so shy and doesn’t have a lot of friends. And not many people are nice to her. I mean, her best friend stabbed her in the back and she gets teased sometimes.”
“Really? I, I guess I never noticed.”
“Yeah, well, I did. And I’ve tried to befriend her, but it’s hard to get her out of her shell. You, though, you got through to her. I don’t know how, but she’s a totally different person when you’re around.”
“I noticed that too. Slowly but surely, as we worked on the potions project, I got her to open up to me. But then I ruined everything when I asked her out,” I sigh, putting my face in my hands. “I don’t know what to do.”
“Just, be yourself Potter. Be her friend. Help her overcome her fear. And maybe, over time, she’ll learn to trust, and warm up to the idea of being something more.”
“Yeah, okay. Thanks.”
She nods and pats my hand gently before standing up, “Sorry for attacking you earlier.”
I laugh, “It’s okay.”
She nods towards the door, “You coming back to the Common Room?”
“Yeah, I gotta go apologize to Sirius.”