Part 2
It’s been a few hours since the party began and the Gryffindor common room is mostly empty. I find myself back on one of the many plush couches, though with a few more drinks in me. My body feels as though it’s buzzing as I talk with Potter and his friends.
“You know what we should do? We should play spin the bottle.” James’ friend, Marlene, declares.
There is a chorus of agreement as everyone moves into a circle. Marlene grabs an empty bottle of fire whiskey and places it in the middle.
“Right, I’m assuming everyone knows the rules. Just spin the bottle on your turn, and kiss whoever it points to”
Though I nod calmly, I feel a pit settle in my stomach. The courage the alcohol gave me before seems to have worn off.
Marlene spins the bottle first. I watch as it spins quickly until, finally, it slows to a stop in front of Sirius. Everyone laughs as the two kiss, reminded of when they dated and then shortly after came out as gay. Lily goes next. She blushes as it lands on her crush, Mary. They lean towards one another and kiss softly. Everyone cheers loudly as they break apart, both with massive grins on their faces. I peak at James, expecting him to be more dejected, but his smile is just as big as the rest. Remus goes next and ends up having to kiss Peter. As each person goes, I get more and more nervous as my turn approaches. Finally, the dreaded moment arrives. As I look around at all their eager faces I realize, “I can’t do this. I’m sorry. I think I’ve had too much to drink and I’m not feeling very well. I’m just gonna go.”
I stand up quickly and leave the common room. I take big strides down the hall, taking deep breaths while trying not to cry. I don’t make it far, however, before I hear Potter calling out from behind me. He jogs up to me, “y/n, wait! Are you okay?”
I scuff my shoe on the floor, avoiding eye contact, “uhm, yeah I’m fine. I just, had too much to drink. I’ll see you tomorrow, Potter.”
I begin to turn around but he stops me again, “Y/n, I know you’re lying. What’s wrong? Did I make you uncomfortable? Cuz that was never my intention, I only wanted you to have a good time and I’m so-“
“James,” I interrupt, “You did nothing wrong. I had a great time. It’s just- what?”
“You just called me James.”
“What?”
“You called me James. You’ve never done that before.”
I chuckle awkwardly, “oh, I guess I haven’t.”
“It was nice.”
I smile slightly.
“Anyways, I’m sorry, what were you saying?”
“Oh, uhm, this is really embarrassing but uhm, I’ve never kissed anyone before.” I pause, “and, well, I just can’t have my first kiss be because of some stupid party game. I want it to be special. With someone special.”
James softens at my admission, “oh, y/n, that’s nothing to be embarrassed about. A first kiss is special. And, you’re special, you deserve for it to be perfect.”
“Thank you.”
Using the small amount of courage I have left, I stand up on my toes and kiss him on the cheek, “Goodnight… James.”
He smiles sweetly, “Goodnight, Y/n.”
I walk back to the dungeons in a blissful trance. I just can’t get over how sweet, and kind, and funny, and-
Merlin, I have a crush on James Potter.
Whether it’s from the nerves that rush through my body at this realization, or the amount of alcohol swishing around in my body, I run to the bathroom and throw up.
*****
While I don’t believe myself to have been drunk last night, I wake up feeling like shit. My head hurts and my stomach is queasy. Although I know I should eat some sort of food, the thought revolts me. Instead, I resort to taking a walk on the grounds, hoping the fresh air will cure both my physical and mental distress.
I still can’t believe that I like James Potter. I tell myself to be serious, that I’ll never have a chance with him… not with Lily Evans in the way. And, even if she wasn’t, I have no chance next to all the other pretty girls who are also crushing on James. There’s also the fact that I’m far too scared to be in a relationship. Not after the constant betrayals: when my dad left when I was only 5, when my best friend back in 3rd year made fun of me behind my back, when that boy in 5th year asked me out on a dare… There’s no way I can trust anyone with my heart. Not again.
I walk towards the Great Lake, to sit under my favorite tree, and am surprised to find that I’m not the only one who knows of the spot.
“James?”
“Y/n?”
“Sorry to disturb you. I didn’t know anyone else came to this spot. But I’ll leave you be.”
“No, don’t go. You can stay, if you want.”
I know it’s probably a terrible idea to sit next to the boy I want to forget, but I just can’t say no. I sit down in the grass beside him and pull my legs close to me. I rest my head and stare out at the water. It’s so peaceful and beautiful. I wish I could jump in and just let it wash away all my problems. I take a deep breath and close my eyes, imagining a world where James and I could be together, happy. I imagine my hands in his dark, wild hair. I would feel his rough, calloused hands, hot on my skin. I would smell his cologne as I buried my face in his neck. He would pull me impossibly tight, so I felt as though we were melded into one. In his arms I would be safe. He would never hurt me and always love me. Against my will, a tear slips down my face. Suddenly, those hands I only imagined would touch me are on my face, wiping the tear away.
“Y/n,” he murmurs.
I shake my head, “I’m fine.”
“You’re a liar.”
“I prefer to think of it as mysterious.” I reply, nudging him lightly.
He lets out a small laugh then goes silent. I study his face as he stares out at the water. He looks at me again and laughs, “what?”
“What are you thinking about?”
“Nothing.”
“Bullshit.”
“Mystery.” He says, pointedly.
“Fine, fine. Let’s go get breakfast.”
I stand up and reach out my hand. Goosebumps run up my arm as his hand connects with mine. He stands up but doesn’t let go. We walk back to the castle, hand in hand.