Chapter 2
When the fog cleared, Harry found himself at the top of the staircase that led to the dungeons. Another boy his age was leaning against a wall, watching him. After a few seconds, Harry recognized him as the young Tom Riddle. "What are you doing here?" Harry asked bitterly. He couldn't be surprised by anything anymore.
Tom crossed his arms and replied, "Oh, I went forward in time and got pardoned for my future sins. The usual."
Harry said "And let me guess… You now have some sort of obsession with me. In a really disgusting way."
"Yes, in fact. How did you…" Tom suddenly stopped talking, because Harry had Stunned him. He had the urge to do far worse, after all he had been through that day, but held back. He stepped over Riddle's body and headed in the direction of Dumbledore's office. Maybe the headmaster would know what the hell was going on here. Maybe he would be able to stop this insanity once and for all. Or maybe he would pull a Snape and get all romantic. You never know…
With that thought in mind, Harry crossed the main floor and went up the first staircase of the seven that led to Dumbledore's office. He stalked forward with his wand out in front of hum, ignoring the stares from other students. Harry felt dazed, dirty, and more than a little mad.
With each flight of stairs, things only got weirder. On the first floor landing, Harry saw Ron making out with the latest in a parade of girlfriends. Wait a second; was that Ginny wrapped around him? There was no mistaking the fiery red hair. Harry looked away and hurried up the stairs without disturbing the happy couple.
On the second floor, a Veela threw herself over a balcony. She hit the floor below with a sickening crack, and was quickly followed by twenty-some drooling boys. Harry felt no urge to join them, so he climbed another flight.
The third-floor hallway contained Professor McGonagall in the middle of lecturing a student. The girl in question had shockingly green eyes and neon purple hair. She fidgeted and bit her perfect bottom lip as McGonagall ranted; "… And you are a complete disgrace to the Sue family! I should have you expelled."
At this the girl smiled like she knew something the professor didn't. "Oh, I get it. I'm not really in trouble."
McGonagall's face turned red. "Oh yes you are, Mary. Do you think you can just walk into this school and do nothing but have adventures all day?"
The girl said, "But you can't really expel me from Hogwarts. Then my story would be over. So there's nothing you can do, because I am Mary Sue!"
McGonagall sighed. "We have talked about this little delusion before. Mary, you're not a character in some sort of story. And even if you were, you're not the main character. The real star of the show is Harry Potter over there."
The professor pointed to Harry, and the girl's eyes shifted to glare at him. "I'll just be going now…" Harry began, but it was too late.
The girl started running after him, supernaturally fast, and once again Harry found himself being chased up a flight of stairs. This time, he got to the fourth floor before being stopped. But it wasn't the crazy girl who had him in her clutches. It was a Very Stupid Idea.
The general idea of the idea was that he had been running from an awful number of things lately. He was Harry Potter, the Chosen One. What was he doing, fleeing in fear from a little girl?
Just as Harry turned and raised his wand to curse the girl into next Tuesday, she beat him to it. Within seconds, he was lying on the floor in a Full-Body Bind, with Mary Sue's unblemished face looming over him. She grinned in triumph, revealing a pair of gleaming fangs. Ugh, not a vampire too, thought Harry, as the girl kneeled down in front of him.
While the girl was distracted, Professor McGonagall crept up behind her. Harry said nothing; partly to avoid alerting the girl, and partly because his mouth was frozen shut.
Professor McGonagall was making strange motions with her wand and muttering a very long spell. Whatever it was, it didn't seem to be working. Harry felt Mary's lips right below his ear and wished McGonagall could just get on with it…
And then Mary Sue crumbled to dust. Harry yelped and jumped back, discovering that he could move again. "Professor!" he gasped. "Did you just kill her?"
McGonagall sighed. "She was never alive in the first place."
"What do you mean?" Harry asked.
"Those filthy things aren't witches and wizards like you and I. They're not even human at all. I'm usually not one to hold such views, but…" she trailed off, unsure of what to say to the boy.
Harry still didn't understand. "Are you talking about vampires, Professor?"
"No, it's too hard to explain. Just trust me when I say that Mary Sue will not be missed. Now run along, I think Dumbledore is expecting you." With that, she conjured up a dustpan and began to remove Mary's remains from the rug.
Harry knew he should care about the senseless murder of a student, but he wasn't feeling at all like himself. He shrugged and continued up those endless stairs.
The fourth and fifth floors were blessedly empty. The sixth contained a figure in a red hooded robe, but it jumped into a doorway when Harry passed. His scar tingled a bit, but didn't actually hurt like it did when Death Eaters were around. Harry couldn't seem to find the usual righteousness and curiosity that would have led him in pursuit of the figure, so he walked on without stopping. He took the last set of stairs at a run, and was slightly out of breath when he finally got to the gargoyle in front of the headmaster's office.
Realizing he couldn't remember the password, Harry tried knocking on the gargoyle's head. It grumbled in annoyance but refused to open. Harry said "Chocolate" and "Lemon Drop" and the names of a dozen other sweets, but it still wouldn't budge. Finally, in desperation, he tried his own name. To his surprise, the gargoyle moved aside and the door slid open.
The office was darker than usual, and little silver instruments whirred quietly on their tables. At first, Harry thought the room was empty, but he stepped farther in and was greeted by a very strange sight. Dumbledore was sitting at his desk, as usual, but Fawkes the phoenix had his beak down the headmaster's pants.
"Er, Dumbledore? Do you need a moment?" Harry said, beginning to back out of the room.
"Ah, Harry!" Dumbledore exclaimed, shooing Fawkes back to his perch. "So good to see you."
"Nice to see you too, Professor. Do you mind if I ask what Fawkes was doing in your pants?"
"Certainly not!" said the old wizard. "He was just exploring. It really is a fascinating world down there, full of ancient history. Do you want to see?"
"Er, no thanks," said Harry. He wondered if Dumbledore was finally going senile, but decided to keep his thoughts to himself. Instead, he said, "Actually, there was something I've been meaning to ask you."
Dumbledore sat back in his chair and looked at Harry with his penetrating blue gaze. It felt like the headmaster was looking right though him and tickling his insides in some sensitive places. Harry shook off the feeling and looked at Fawkes instead. The phoenix was sitting on its perch, avoiding eye contact. Harry looked at Dumbledore again and began to tell his story.
"Well, you see, Professor, everyone's been acting really weird lately. Not in the usual witch-and-wizard way, but in a "Let's all be in love with Harry" way. Do you get my drift?"
Dumbledore just nodded, giving Harry the courage to continue.
"And I've had this feeling today. It's like someone has been trying to control me, but not with a love potion or the Imperious Curse. It's as if…" Harry couldn't find the right words, so Dumbledore finished his sentence.
"As if someone was writing your story? As if the management in charge of your life had suddenly changed hands?"
"Yes, exactly!" said Harry, relieved that he wasn't imagining the insanity that seemed to be gripping everyone today. "Do you know how to make things go back to normal?"
Dumbledore didn't nod, but he didn't shake his head either. He tried to do both at the same time, and the resulting motion looked like a bobble-head doll. Then his neck stiffened and his eyes stared straight ahead. The headmaster began talking in an oddly flat voice, as if he was in one of Professor Trelawney's fake trances. "Ayyy Youuuu… The answers lie in Ayyy Yoouuu!"
Harry wasn't impressed. The act was cheesy, melodramatic, and even more cryptic than usual. Why couldn't the headmaster just give him a straight answer for once? "Where is this Ay You?" he asked.
"Look in the book," was the reply. Dumbledore un-stiffened a little, then picked up a pen and wrote something on a slip of parchment. He slid it across the table to Harry, beginning to recover from whatever had happened to him.
Harry picked up the parchment and took a look. It was Dumbledore's signature, in an old spidery script, and what looked like the title of a book underneath. It seemed to be… a pass to the restricted section of the library! Harry had wanted one of these for years. Now he could look up creative hexes and disgusting potions and rule-breaking manuals… and fix whatever was going wrong with the world. "Thanks, Professor!" he yelled, making his way to the door.
"Wait!" called Dumbledore. "Are you sure you wouldn't like a look inside my pants?" But Harry was already out the door.