Chapter 3
The Character's Guide to Fanfiction. The Character's Guide to Fanfiction. The Character's guide to... Harry repeated the title of the book inside his head. No, he was not an idiot. He had to remember the title because the parchment it was written on didn't exist anymore. It had suddenly caught fire in a third-floor hallway as Harry was making his way to the library.
One second, Harry was holding an innocent little scrap of parchment, and the next, it was a flaming mess burning itself out on the rug. The only reasonable explanation that he could think of was that this was Dumbledore's revenge. After all, Harry had disappointed the poor man by refusing to look inside his pants.
Anyway, he had to remember the title. That, and find a way to get into the Restricted Section without Dumbledore's note. It would be impossible to do if he followed the rules, but Harry Potter could bend them however he pleased.
Harry made what he hoped was a fearless rule-breaking face and walked through the library door. As he came in, a first-year ran out, screaming his head off. No one paid him any attention.
As he came up to the Restricted Section, Harry braced himself for a fight. Madame Pince was sitting behind her little desk as usual, reading a book called "Teaching for Idiots". Harry raised his wand, ready to strike her blind and deaf, but he was too late.
Madame Pince looked up and caught Harry in her laser-beam gaze. "Potter," she said in a pompous voice.
Ugh, thought Harry. Even worse than McGonagall.
The librarian continued. "And how do you plan to ravish my books today?"
Harry made himself into the embodiment of an innocent knowledge-seeker. "I don't, Professor. I'm just going to do some light reading..."
Madame Pince snorted. "Liar. But if you honestly don't plan to harm my books, why not ravish me?" She flung her arms out like a Muggle religious figure. Harry wondered if he had heard her right, and decided to back away slowly just in case he had. It was a good decision, because Madame Pince chose that mnoment to shuck her cloak and tear off the shirt under it.
Oh, the horror! Harry shut his eyes at once, but he had already been blinded by the sight of a pair of horribly saggy breasts. They were pale, and wrinkled, and reached nearly down to the librarian's waist. The nipples were dark and awful. They seemed to bore deep into Harry's soul.
He started running blindly, bumping into bookshelves and students. He could see a few vague shadows, but the image of the breasts was superimposed over everything.
Madame Pince pursued him, screeching like a harpy. Harry ducked behind a shelf at the edge of the Restricted Section, panting. He stayed as still as possible, hoping that he would escape the madwoman's notice.
Harry had no such luck. He heard Madame Pince's heavy breathing getting closer, closer... Of course, no one stopped her. Harry had already accepted that the world had gone nuts, but he had yet to actually do something about it.
He squeezed his eyes shug as the topless librarian approached, and grabbed a book from the shelf at random. He chucked it, hard, and heard it sink into one of those hideous boobs. Madame Pince let out a beastly howl, then went quiet.
Several seonds passed before Harry dared to look. He blinked a few times, and his vision cleared slightly. There was no trace of Madame Pince or her "assets". She hadn't turned into dust or anything, just disapeared. Harry sighed in relief. That was way too close...
He looked down at the book he had thrown. It would have been a wonderful plot twist if it was the "Character's Guide to Fanfiction", but the tattered volume was just a first-edition copy of the Necronomicon. As Harry put it back on its shelf, he noticed that it seemed to be bound in human skin. He was just about to start looking for his book when he heard a hoarse whisper behind him.
"No... give that to me. I can't... touch... the shelves..." He turned around in surprise. It was the same cloaked figure from the stairs. He stared at it in bewilderment until it pulled down the hood and revealed itself to be... Hermione?
"No offense, but you don't look so good today." She didn't smell very good either. A sort of musty odor hung around her, like dead mice in an attic.
Hermione chuckled dryly, sounding completely unlike herself. "How can I look good when I've peered beyond the veil of my existence? How can someone keep living after they've broken the fourth wall?"
Harry raised his wand (which he had completely forgotten to use against the mad librarian a moment before). "Don't come any closer. I've seen one too many weirdos today. And what the hell is this "fourth wall"?"
Hermione muttered to herself, looking at the ceiling. "What the hell is the fourth wall, he asks... Why don't you tell him? Why don't you open his eyes?"
Harry didn't bother asking who she was talking to. He grabbed the Necronomicon and pressed it into her hand. "There you go. Now get out of here. I have to find the Character's Guide to Fanfiction before the world explodes!"
Hermione's creepy smile almost reached her ears. "That's the other thing I was reading." She reached into the pocket of her robe and pulled out a slim white volume. Sure enough, the cover proclaimed it to be the book Harry was looking for.
Harry grabbed it and didn't stop running until he had reached Moaning Myrtle's bathroom. Luckily, the ghost didn't seem to be there. Harry locked himself into a stall and sat down on the toilet. He opened the book to the first page and prepared to read.