Pushed Off Too Many Ledges
Now:
After the little excursion Bellatrix had gone back to her home. There was no reason for her to stay out any longer, the Dark Lord didn’t need her assistance, and she was feeling… off
That time in the village with Tiberius and his wife, had rekindled some weird feelings in her chest, and exposed some blank spots in her memory. But most of all, she felt regret. Regret for what she doesn’t know, but it is running through her now, and Bellatrix didn’t like the feeling. Whatever this was about, she didn’t want to know.
7 years ago:
Every member of the Black household, for as long as Bellatrix could remember, was named after stars or constellations. The only exception being Cissy, her name supposedly was the female version of Narcissus, a man who drowned because he fell in love with his own reflection, or at least that's what the books had said, and they had scoured over those books.
At home, the three sisters had searched desperately to find a star, planet, constellation, galaxy, anything in the night sky named Narcissa. But everytime they looked they drew a blank, there was simply no star in the sky named Narcissa.
Bella remembered how Cissy’s eyes had begun to glisten and her lips began to tremble as she tried to prevent the tears from flooding down her face. Bella and Andie had been confused about this, why was this so important to their youngest sister? But still, they pulled her into their arms, unknowing of what was so devastating about not having a matching name.
But when Cissy’s tears had finally dried, she had begun to explain with a small voice riddled with embarrassment. “I want us to be together!” she had said. “I want to be able to always look up into the sky and see my sisters with me… I don’t want to be alone. Promise you won’t leave me!”
It was in that moment that Bella understood how they were different from other kids, how normal parents didn’t hurt their children, and it was in that moment when Bella promised her sister that she would never leave because they only had each other in the world.
After that Andie and Bella had taken their sister up through the attic and snuck up on top of the roof telling her to pick any star she wanted. She had chosen Aldebaran, it was the Taurus constellation and had been considered one of the most beautiful stars in the night sky by its distinctive red halo surrounding it.
That way the three sisters could always find themselves together in the night sky.
So now, as Bellatrix’s legs dangle off the edge of the astronomy tower, her dark eyes were fixed on the three stars, feeling more lonely than she had felt in a while.
She knew that it was pretty stupid being this far up and on a ledge after having a panic attack about being a few feet off the ground, but something inside of her was comforted by it. She felt in control this way, because her fear couldn’t touch her.
The wind was blowing through her hair, and her feet were swinging freely more than 200 feet off the ground but she could feel her hands wrapped around the cold hard metal bar above her, and she could feel the solid structure under her. It was like she was taunting herself,
You can’t get off the ground a few feet, but you can sit on the edge of a tower with almost nothing between you and free air.
She had known about the Astronomy tower for a long time, after all it was one of the largest towers in the school, but she had only really started spending time there after the little flying incident. Her friends had tried to approach her the next day, but she couldn’t stand the look in their eyes as they said that it was okay, that it was normal. But, did any of them have issues like this? No, compared to her they were all practically pro quidditch players! And yet, Bellatrix Black the girl who was supposed to be amazing at everything couldn’t even get on a broom.
So night after night Bella snuck away from her dorm and crept up the many stairs to the Astronomy towers just so she could feel in control, and no one had bothered her… until now.
She had first heard a sign of another person from the strain of steps on the metal stairs, then it was the small pants of breath being pushed into the air, and finally it was the brush of her leg as someone sat down next to her. She didn’t look over, not bothering to unlock her gaze from the night sky.
“Aren’t you afraid of heights?” The voice came from beside her, it was Tiberius. She hadn’t seen him really since the hospital wing, and she hadn’t really wanted to, so she ignored him. “You’re avoiding me…” Again she didn’t respond. “And now you're ignoring me.” he sighed and stopped talking following her gaze to the stars. They sat like that for a while, silent, staring up at the stars and meditating in their own thoughts. For Bella, it was kinda nice, she could pretend that the presence beside her was someone else. Andie maybe… or Cissy. That way she wasn’t as alone as she felt.
When Bellatrix finally let out a yawn, she knew it was time to head back to the dorms. Her sleep schedule had gotten so messed up in the last week, staying up till 2 or 3 in the morning. Making the dark circles under her eyes grow at a fast rate.
When Bellatrix stood up, Tiberius followed her, when she began moving he did with her. It was as if he was her shadow, following her at every step of the way. He only parted with her when they reached the base of the two staircases, he went up to the boys dorms, and she went to the girls dorms.
And both fell asleep the second their heads touched the mattress.
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The next day, when the sun began to set, Bella made her way back to the tower, and her shadow was back to following her. They sat down together, mildly close–in Bella’s mind it was to stay warm–and they watched the stars together, not a word spoken the entire time. When the time came to go back to the dorms, Tiberius followed her out, and both of them fell asleep as soon as their heads hit the pillows.
The next day, the same thing happened.
And again
And again
And again
And again
It happened until the bags under Tiberius’s eyes reached the same shade of Bella’s and the presence of Tiberius didn’t bother Bella anymore. It happened until one night, not unlike any before, Bella spoke. It was the first thing that she had spoken to him in about a month, not that she had spoken much to anyone. She didn’t really know why she had opened her mouth to speak, or what she was even going to say, but she did it anyway.
“I’m over reacting,” it wasn’t a question.
“No,” Tiberius responded simply.
“Then why?”
“Because you’re a Black,” He didn’t say it with hatred or disgust, he simply stated it as a fact, his eyes still trained on the night sky. “And that's what Blacks do.”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“Think about it,” Tiberius didn’t offer an explanation to his words from before, and it frustrated Bella, but she did what he told her and thought about it.
She was a Black, this was true. Her last name was Black, her parents were Druella and Cygnus Black. They were purebloods, in fact within the top 28. That was something her parents talked about often, using it as an excuse to punish their three girls. It’s basically their family motto, no taint in the Black family , no taint at all. It was something that they were proud of, something that Bella had been trained to earn, because even though it was the blood within her veins, she still needed to earn it. Because the air that she breathed was ‘better’ than those around her. Because she needed to be better.
Suddenly Bellatrix understood what Tiberius was talking about. “I’ve never really been on a broom before… not until Hogwarts at least,” she tucked a hair behind her ear. “My parents never really approved the idea of it. A girl on a broom… scandalous!” Tiberius snorted a laugh, but let her continue. “I never really thought much of it, you know, it was built into me. Ladies are not supposed to do such things, and of course I’m a lady. I used to be favored by my parents, always doing the right things, always being respectful, but managing to show power, even as a nine year old. Yep, us Blacks, we are trained since birth, not a second to waste. Anyway, they used to like me, this perfect child. And that I was… at least until I began to realize how fast I was forced to grow up. I was this little nine year old acting as if I was thirty! And I didn’t want that, I wanted to be able to roll in the mud with my sisters, and dance in the rain, I wanted to run around a park, I wanted to scream and sing, I wanted to laugh… truly laugh…
“I was nine, and only a couple times had I truly laughed, so I decided to start doing those things, on our outings I would start acting differently. Of course I was still respectable, I looked powerful, and I was scared of nothing. Not even the dark! So even as I lost my composure, and I took on the name of the wild child. I was still a Black, I still belonged in the family, still had a place. So I guess that's what I’m worried about, do I still have a place in my family?” Bellatrix finished with a sigh, she was lost in her thoughts, not processing how much she had truly shared with this person that she was supposed to hate.
“You? A lady,” Tiberius huffed a laugh. “Wow…” Bella shoved him gently.
“Don’t even start,” she rolled her eyes but she was laughing slightly. It really did seem preposterous, the idea of her being a lady! Suddenly, Tiberius layed down. Reclining onto the floor with eyes now focused on the roof.
In this state, he looked nothing like the person she knew. The guy with perfectly trimmed hair, every strand styled into place. Face expressions are regulated and features cold.
This person in front of her looked peaceful, innocent almost. She never noticed how his hair had a slight curl to it, or how in the moonlight it looked like spun gold. How his cheeks flushed a rosy pink as the cold air swarmed around him. Never noticed how long his eyelashes were, or how his eyes glinted mischievously, like he was always up to something.
“You gonna lay down or what?” He asked, making her take back all of the things that she was just thinking.
“Wow…” She muttered slowly, lowering her back to the cold metal floor.
“Wow what?” He repeated gruffly.
“I thought, for a second, that maybe you were kind. Not the big tough guy on the train.”
“And you wouldn’t have any experience with hiding your true colors now would you?”
“Definitely not…” Bella picked at the rings on her fingers
“You know, the first time I met you, I was sort of jealous…” Tiberius sighed casually.
“ What!?! ” Bella exclaimed,
“Ya ya, that's enough. I was jealous because of what you said before. You were free, you acted on impulse, not scared of the reactions of your parents or how your actions might affect you…”
“I was not free.”
“I see that now, but for me, it looked like you were. See I didn’t have the choice that you did. I was never the favorite, I mean I was the only child, but they didn’t like me anyway. I was afraid of too many things…”
“You were?” Bella breathed in awe, she would never willingly admit that she was afraid.
“Yes, of so many things. When I was younger I used to try and go into my parents room because I was scared of the monsters under my bed.” Bella snorted. “That of course didn’t end well…” Bellatrix knew immediately what he was implying, of course she would never say that out loud. She would never expose herself. “I was never the favorite… I don’t think I ever will, so I’ve always had to be the perfect son. I’ve had no wiggle room…” He paused for a minute, letting silence eat at his words. “I know that you’ve been wondering how I knew so fast that you were panicking, or why I actually acted on it. It's because I've experienced it before… panic attacks. It’s because I could see the look on your face, and it wasn’t the free wild person that I knew. It was a scared, panic stricken girl, who looked like she was pushed off a ledge many times, strung up and hurt too many times, and this was the last time she would make it through, and I didn’t want you to be locked up to, because once you’ve entered this box, you can’t get out. I’m trapped.” With that, Tiberius got up and began walking away. Pausing only once to look back, his eyes cold and heartless once more. “If you ever say anything…” Bella nodded slowly, watching him walk away, with slight awe on her face. She had never really experienced anyone expressing emotion, unless it was her sisters crying or her parents screaming.
Bella remained laying down for a while, her thoughts circulating on what he had said. Out of everything, her mind got stuck on one thing in particular. A girl who was pushed off the ledge, a girl strung up… was she truly that girl, Bellatrix wasn’t fragile in the least physically, but maybe mentally…
Bella tugged a spare piece of parchment and a pencil from her pocket, she had left them there during herbology and had never remembered to take them out of her pocket. Slowly she began to jot down words:
Her wrists are red,
Rope burns across her body,
Her hair is knotted,
Unkept,
She's rugged but strong,
Or that's what she believes
She looks in the mirror and believes the face she puts on,
Hiding the truth behind layers and layers of skin
But if you look close enough
Look behind the strength and confidence glistening in her eyes
The remaining look in her eyes doesn’t match
The mischief is gone
And all that's left is…
Hopefulness
Desperateness
Like the string she's hanging from is on its last thread,
And one more fall might kill her,
Because she's been pushed off too many ledges.
And each time she hasn’t been caught,
When she's finished Bella feels almost out of breath, like she poured her whole being into that one paper, those few words. She knows that it probably doesn’t make sense, that to others it would look like a jumble of words put together in a sentence, but for her, it feels like a masterpiece, because finally everything is quiet in her mind, because finally she can breathe. Because everything she was thinking about was now on that paper. Slowly, Bellatrix stood up, the paper crumpled in her fist.
She made her way to the edge, leaning against the rail, she slowly began to rip, and soon the paper was nothing more than shreds in the air, floating away, and carrying part of herself with them.
After a while Bella turned away from the ledge and went back to her dorm. For the first time in weeks, she felt back to normal.
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The next morning, Bellatrix’s friends were surprised to see her up and ready, a smile on her face, and jokes on her tongue. They didn’t know what miracle had happened or why she was suddenly fine again but they were just happy she was.
Midway through breakfast Bella met Tiberius’s eyes, he was the only one in the group who knew what happened the previous night. That night they had both revealed secrets they had never fully intended to share, they had both revealed secrets that could get themselves hurt. So tentatively, Bella gave him a small smile, hoping to tell him she would never say anything. He didn’t retaliate.
Later that night Bella once again went up to the tower, this time with no harsh feelings… just feeling that it was something she had done for far too long to just quit doing. She hadn’t expected Tiberius to be there, after all, she was back to normal now. His ‘responsibility’ was done.
But as she came up the final staircase, her eyes locked onto a pair of green eyes. He was here… Slowly she came to sit by him once again, opening the air with a small,
“Hi…”