Go ahead and cry little boy

James actually showed up at Regulus' dormitory at one o'clock.

They began their study, and when they finished discussing the first potion, Regulus asked James to return the vials to his closet.

Ah, so that's how James knew about it.

It could be said that Sirius also saw this moment as the perfect moment to check whether his best friend and brother were actually studying or not.

So he stormed into the Slytherin dormitory and shouted "aha!" scaring James and causing him to lose something from the cabinet, the vial crashed onto the floor causing the vapor to spray around James. By the time Regulus could run up to see what exactly had happened, it was too late.

"Regulus fix it, fix him," Sirius orders.

"But- It's not the same potion that was on us," Regulus frowns, he picked up the broken vial from the ground and began to read the leaflet, which was now blurred by moisture. Oh no...

"No? I see that he is a child." Sirius folds his arms at his sides.

A tiny version of James Potter stands in front of him.

"Yes, but he wasn't rejuvenated like the rest of us was," Regulus shakes his head, the shock gripping him so hard that he can't find the right words or explain what actually happened.

"Soooo what happened to him?" Sirius tries to get a message from his brother

"It's the potion that took him back-" no, no, no, that's not possible. Maybe he made a mistake? Maybe the potion was made wrong?

"Yes?" Sirius raises an eyebrow.

"It took him back to the last moment- the last time he could be completely vulnerable." Regulus presses his lips into a thin line.

James Potter? That wonderful, perfect James Potter? James fucking perfect sunshine boy Potter?

"But he's three?" Sirius's eyes widen, this must be a mistake. The potion could take him back to the previous day, a few days, a week, but 14 years? It is impossible. James was loved, he had to feel loved-

"Yeah, I see." Regulus swallowed hard.

"Hi! I'M JAMES, although my mum call me Jamie. Do you know my mum? Where is she? My mummy's name is Euphemia Potter, can you find her?" He bounced on his feet. "You have pretty face, I like pretty things, you're not a thing, that's not what I meant. I'm not being rude, sorry. You're just pretty," he is smiling, showing his little teeth to Regulus. "I think I like you too, you have like, super cool thing on your eyes, what's that? You have a nice smile!" He said to Sirius.

Well, that's fucked up.

"Okay, so how do we fix it, Regulus?" Sirius looks at his brother uncertainly.

James Potter was a child, a little child, and he couldn't stay that way for long, it was Sunday afternoon and they had to find a solution, they had to.

Regulus said that James has been rejuvenated to the last moment he could he could be completely vulnerable, defenseless, open and safe...

That's impossible.

They have to fix it, this potion was wrong, they have to fix it, they have to fix him.

It wasn't possible.

James was happy.

He was.

He was.

He must be.

"I- I don't know." Regulus' face is pale, he is obviously very stressed and Sirius has no idea what stresses him out more, being in a room with a small child (because Regulus had no idea how to deal with them), the fact that James fell victim to the potion or how much it regressed him to the past, or maybe it was that he didn't know the answer, that he didn't know what to do.

"Okay, okay, calm down, think about something and I'll take care of James," he suggested, Regulus nodded.

"Thank you, buddy," Sirius crouches down next to child with a smile. "I think your smile is quite beautiful too," he says as if he's telling him a secret and the little boy chuckles. "How are you feeling, little fella?"

"I'm good!" James reported with a smile.

"How old are you, buddy?" Sirius asks another question, pushing aside all thoughts, the most important thing is to take care of this kid, not to hurt him. "I think, hm, you look like, hmm, let me guess, six?" He asked, artificially wondering and overestimating the number, which greatly amused the boy.

"No!" Little James shouted, laughing.

"No?" Sirius gasped. "Seven then," he said another number and the boy kept laughing.

James finally shook his head one last time in amusement. He stretched his right hand out in front of him, clenched it into a fist and began to bends his fingers one by one. One, two, three, and the fourth he hesitated, but finally showed Sirius three raised fingers.

"Four in a week!" He added quickly.

"Oh, so you're a big boy," Sirius smiled fondly at him.

"Yes," Jamee nods. "I can't wait to be five so I can show my whole hand when someone asks me my age, I think it will be pretty cool."

"Oh, certainly," Sirius agrees.

"I like you but where's my mom?" Little boy asks tilting his head. "She'll be worried if I disappear, I don't want her to be sad."

"Don't worry, she won't be sad, you'll see her soon," Sirius assured.

"I-" Regulus takes a shaky breath and Sirius gives him his full attention.

"Reg?" Sirius looked at his brother concerned.

"I have no idea what to do, Sirius," Regulus swallows with stress. "I'm going to Slughorn," he informed.

"But - you're going to get in trouble," Sirius points out.

"Yeah," Regulus agreed. He knows, he knows, but what else is he supposed to do? How is he going to help James? He can't cope on his own and no matter how much he hates it, he has to.

"We'll find a solution," Sirius tries to convince him.

"It's not like you can wait it out, this potion needs special treatment to stop it work, it will not weaken and I will not prepare an antidote for it. He can stay like this forever if we don't do anything," he says, his voice breaking slightly.

Regulus didn't mean to, he really didn't mean to, he regrets it. He's sorry. He'll fix it, he'll fix his mistake, he'll apologize, he will...

The decision has been made.

Regulus knocked on Slughorn's office, They managed to get here without anyone noticing, which is good.

After a while the man opens the door, he is extremely happy to see his favorite boy.

Regulus is one of his best students and his favorite. Of course, Miss Evans and Mr. Snape are good at potions and score high, but Regulus?

Regulus has it. He has the thing he has that something, something that fascinates Horace.

Of course Horace is impressed by how Lilly is doing so well despite being a Muggle and how Severus finds new ways to make potions easier, but Regulus?

Regulus has passion. Regulus has passion and the knack for it, he was born to sit in the lab, his creativity and willingness to absorb knowledge are admirable, the way he engages in lessons and always wants more...

Horace also loves how the boy doesn't mind being on the spotlight, that he can exalt him and Regulus will just smile politely and thank him. Regulus wants the fame that he is offered and it satisfies Slughorn.

Horace likes this boy, he admires him because oh Merlin, how much Regulus reminds him of him in his youth.

"How can I help you?" Horace asked and then all of them went inside. Seeing the Black brothers together is suspicious, he wonders why they showed up at his office. He understands exactly in the moment Sirius crouches down and puts something down on the ground, not something, someone. This is a child, a real child.

"Um, as you can see," Regulus starts hesitantly. "James is small, how to fix it? Can you help us?" He begs Slughorn not to ask so many questions, but of course he wants to know everything in detail.

Slughorn was a sucker for gossip and the students knew it, and the teachers' weekly tea parties came as no surprise.

"Interesting," Horace blinked painfully, as if he were fighting back tears, as he looked at the tiny, oblivious boy after hearing the whole story. James Potter, really?

"How do we fix it?" Sirius asks uncertainly, watching from the corner of his eye as James plays with the vials and looks at them with interest, he keeps shouting something while moving them, Slughorn doesn't mind, the boy has something to do and doesn't interrupt their conversation, which is good.

"Hmm, this elixir was created to transport patients into a blissful state of unconsciousness, to the last time they felt completely calm and could be vulnerable and open." Horace starts explaining. "You see, it is important during treatments to relieve the patient's stress, if they are returned to a moment that makes them feel good, it is easier for them to relax. Sometimes just a thought that such a moment exists is enough. It is often obtained in hospitals before procedures and surgeries, you see this elixir has many uses, and-"

"Sure, but how do you undo it?" Sirius interjects impatiently.

"Well, this elixir has specific effects, it has never been tested on such small patients, but it should work for everyone the same way." He thinks for a moment, but yes, it should probably work. "Then... oh you just have to make him feel one hundred percent safe. Make him calm, safe, loved and good. And it should pass, create a safe space for him and he will come back to himself."

"Just that? Make him feel safe?" Sirius raises an eyebrow, that sounds too simple.

"Well here's the thing," Horace shakes his head, "you don't have to love little James, but the one who isn't him at the moment. Make sure his seventeen-year-old self can trust you and feel comfortable with you. Little James doesn't count, he's unimportant because even though he's here, the adult version of James needs to feel safe to stop the effects of the potion."

"It can be done," Sirius nodded "but what-" They are interrupted by the sound of breaking glass.

"SORRY! Sorry!" James threw his hands in the air and quickly moved away from the glass falling off the table and cluttering around him. "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to," he sobbed. He knocked over the bottles and vials he was playing with and they broke. He really didn't want to cause any trouble.

Oh no... he disappointed these nice adults... he started choking on tears.

"Jamie, it's okay," Sirius reaches out his arms to hug him. The little boy runs into him and hugs him tightly.

"I'm so sorry," he hiccups in tears.

He cries softly and his little fists are clenched, oh poor baby.

"Regulus, please bring me a few drops of this potion if you have it, and I'll see if I can do something with it," Slughorn said, maybe he could reverse the effect of the potion and it would be over, Regulus nods.

"It'll be fine, you'll see, we'll take care of you, little Jamie," Sirius promised. James, now calm, settled comfortably in his arms.

"Don't you think that since he hasn't been completely open and honest with you all these years, your presence won't work?" Regulus raises an eyebrow.

"Reg, I swear to Merlin." Sirius sighed "Okay, you're right, we'll try with his parents, it should work out fine."

So they have a plan.

Who else but Euphemia and Fleamont Potter would make their child feel good? They were his parents and they loved him more than anything, they were wonderful to him, they were amazing. They were the best parents anyone could ever have, understanding, warm, kind, lovely... the list of their virtues was endless.

Sirius, Regulus and little James found Minerva. A professor whom Sirius valued more than his own mother, he adored Minnie and she was always wonderful to him, so he would agree to help them, right?

They explained the situation to her and also told her about yesterday's incident, and she listened carefully.

After the conversation was over, little James started demanding his parents again, and Minerva gave them access to her fireplace to contact Mr. and Mrs. Potter.

"Flea, your son... he wants to see you." Minerva informs her old friend, and in a second a small figure comes into view, little James.

"Dad! Daddy!" James calls cheerfully and steps closer. "Jamie, misses you," the little boy pouted.

"Jamie?" Fleamont opened his eyes wide in shock, why his son was- "What? Minerva, what happened, why is he a toddler? Minnie?" He asks confused. James looks at him curiously.

Oh no... did he create a problem? Was he a problem?

"Flea? What's going on?" Euphemia calls from a distance.

"Mommy!" James called out happily, he couldn't wait to see her, he was bouncing on his feet.

"Come here and see for yourself," Fleamont suggests to her, he still doesn't believe it himself.

"Wha- James? Jamie?" Effie opens her mouth in shock, standing before her is a small version of her son, the same as in the family portrait from over a decade ago. "What happened?"

"A little accident with potions," Minerva sighs. "We need you here," she says and begins to explain the details.

"Oh well, my baby, are you feeling okay, honey?" Effie asks, looking at her son with concern. James nods eagerly.

"I'm all good! They're nice!" He gestures at the other people in the room.

"We don't - we can't... Minerva, the soonest we can get to Hogwarts is tomorrow afternoon." Fleamont and Euphemia were currently abroad, they had no way to return home quickly.

No matter how much they would like to be with their son right now, they don't have the opportunity.

"I'm so sorry, Jamie," Effie wants to hug him so bad, the little boy brings back so many memories and emotions for her.

"No, mommy, don't be sad, it's okay. I can do it, I'll wait," he promises, placing his hand over his heart to be more credible.

"Oh I know, you're such a brave boy," she smiles gently at her son. "Sirius, honey, will you take care of him for me?" She asked her son's best friend what practically equaled her own son.

"You don't have to ask, ma'am," Sirius assured, nodding solemnly.

"Your friends will be wonderful to you, Jamie, I'm sure," Effie smiles gently.

"Marls and Pete?" The little boy asked excitedly. Euphemia frowned.

"Is something wrong?" Minerva asked worriedly.

"No but... Jamie didn't know Peter when he was four. Peter's parents moved to our neighborhood around the spring when Jamies was already five." She explains, confused.

"Why is it that? Is something wrong with the boy's memory?" Minerva looks uncertainly at Horace.

"No, no, it's completely normal, he's four years old but his life has been lived and he remembers it, although now that he's four he can't remembers things normally... his memories may be hazy, distorted, foggy, and unreachable." He explains.

"What does it mean? He's four but he's seventeen? He doesn't act like he's seventeen." Sirius frowns confused.

"It really depends," Slughorn considered, scanning the boy with his eyes. "James can remember specific things from different years of his life and he can remember them randomly. He doesn't know you today, Sirius, but tomorrow he will know that last week you had karaoke over breakfast in the great hall. Well... it doesn't have to be like this, it may happen that he will only remember the emotions he experienced with you, he will know that he loves you but he won't remember why."

"Woah, that's-" Sirius doesn't know what to say.

"However, you should remember that he is a little boy, so these memories, emotions and feelings will be reduced to the level of a child."

"So?"

"So you can't expect from him empathy, full emotional development, respecting social barriers, respecting boundaries and not saying exactly what he thinks, children have no filter. You may not get the correct syntax of sentences either. He is literally a toddler so he may not control his emotions properly, you have to be understanding and patient with him." The professor recommends them.

"Well..."

"I'm hungry! Tummy hurts," James grumbles, placing his hands on his belly and making a sad face.

"There are no allergies, right? What about his food preferences?" Sirius asks James's parents, he promised to take good care of him and will do it as best he can.

"I'll eat all the veggies, mommy!" Jamie promised and waves goodbye to his parents. "I won't," he denied as soon as his parents disappeared. Whole room burst out laughing.

Sirius went to the kitchen to get a snack for the boy and Regulus was obliged to stay with James. Were it responsible?

It's obvious that Regulus will make him cry in less than five minutes.

Merlin help.

"Do you like Quidditch? I like! It's a great sport and I even have my own broom! Dad's teaching me, dad's super cool! Is your dad super cool too? Can you fly on a broom? You're big, I'm sure you can do it! Do you play Quidditch? What's your favorite team?" James grins happily, Regulus sits in the chair and sighs quietly.

Is he annoyed with me? It immediately appears in James' head.

To be honest, he's afraid of it. He's afraid of disappointing him, he's afraid Regulus won't like him, he's worried that he's unbearable, that's what he's been told so often. Insufferable, irritating, moody, childish, spoiled, annoying.

James wondered what it was he always did wrong, it was the same as always, he opened his mouth and scared people away.

Good job, James, really. You'll see, no one will like you. Just be better.

Be better, be better.

He can be better.

"Do you think I'm annoying?" He asked, looking up uncertainly.

"What?" Regulus blinked slowly, trying to understand what the boy meant.

"Do you think I'm insufferable?" Little James repeated uncertainly, his voice shaking.

"James, who told you something like that?" Regulus asks in disbelief. It's cruel, it's so fucking cruel to say something like that to a child.

"No one, it's just... you know, I'm hard to deal with." James whispered. Please don't get tired of me, please don't abandon me, please, please, please.

"That's not true." Regulus immediately denies it.

"Well..." James shakes his little head. "Every nanny I had quit in less than a month, I was too difficult. The only adults who can put up with me are my parents, so..."

"Oh," Regulus doesn't know what to say, what do you say to a child when he throws shit like that at you? Regulus wasn't ready for this. "James, it's not your fault, you didn't do anything wrong, you're not annoying," he assured. "You are a charming, lovely and kind boy. You are not insufferable, you are a child. You're a good boy, James." Regulus remembers that he's talking to practically an adult and grimaces in embarrassment.

"You think?" There is so much hope in this question that Regulus's heart breaks.

Not that Regulus had any particular empathy for James Potter or anything.

Not that Regulus was watching James Potter or paying way too much attention to him. Regulus didn't want to be his friend, he didn't want James to like him, of course not.

And when he found out that he was going to teach James potions, he didn't squeal, giggle and kick his feet like a little girl, no, why on earth did someone come up with such an idea?

James was Sirius's friend and that was all. Regulus didn't care, and the fact that he knew James's favorite color and wrote poems about him... it didn't matter.

"Did you have a good time with Reggie?" Sirius asked when he came back. The little boy nodded eagerly. "Now we'll go to your room and then we'll see the rest of our friends, okay Jamie?"

"Okay!" Jamie shouted excitedly, how could he change his emotions so quickly? A second ago he was practically crying, telling Regulus that he was afraid no one would ever truly like him. "Bye Reggie! Good night!" He waved cheerfully. "I'll see you tomorrow? I'm asking you veeeeery nicely. Jamie likes you," he nodded convincingly.

"Sure, little man," Regulus agrees. Something unimaginably sad was growing in his heart. He believed in his abilities, but this time he really hoped that he had made some mistake, that the potion was wrong.

Regulus hoped that James Potter had more happy days after his fourth birthday, it didn't have to be all the days as Regulus had previously thought, but some of them, he wished there were at least a few of them because it was so damn sad.

Has the image of the happy golden boy that everyone knew turned out to be wrong?

Did James live his whole life pretending?

Well, maybe they have more in common than Regulus thought.

Sirius walked through the halls of Hogwarts, holding the little boy's hand.

James sang happily and jumped up and down and Sirius smiled slightly. It's nice to see him so small, so carefree, so happy. It was nice to know that there was some of that little boy left in him, that sometimes James still giggled as he did now while telling a funny story, that he got excited about little things as if they were big, that he radiated joy and love.

Sirius tells him about Hogwarts and their dormitory and their friends and all the rest, and the boy is enchanted, as if he had just received the greatest secrets of the world, as if he had received a dream gift.

I'm in Hogwarts, I have friends, I'm happy.

As they enter the Gryffindor common room through the portrait, James shouted happily and complimented the painting of the lady at the entrance, then they goes up the stairs, straight to their dormitory.

When Sirius entered their dorm, he didn't expect to find all his friends there, but that's rather obvious, isn't it? They were all worried.

They gathered when Sirius didn't return after an hour, they were worried that something bad had happened and when the marauders looked at the map, James, Regulus and Sirius were in Minerva's office with Slughorn.

It must have been serious. But they expected a devastated Sirius after a harsh argument with his brother, not...

"What stupid thing have you done this time?" Remus asks without saying hello as soon as he recognizes familiar footsteps and black hair peeks through the door.

"I-" Sirius didn't have a chance to explain himself as the little ball of joy ran inside and wrapped Marlene in a tight hug.

This, this is what they didn't expect, little James.

"Jamie loves you," the boy chuckles, kissing Marlene on the cheek.

"What? James? Sirius? What happened?" Marlene looks at Sirius with slight horror. Little James? Fuck no, please.

"Say back," James pouted, his lip quivers.

"Jamie, you know I love you," she closes her eyes, sighing. "Do you know how insufferable those two were as kids?" Marlene points to Peter and James and the rest laughs.

"What happened to him?" Peter joins Marlene and James is delighted to have him next to him, hugs him tightly and chuckles. He climbs into his friend lap and grins at the others in the room.

Sirius doesn't tell them the details, he's not sure if it's a good idea to share it, James will probably be devastated when he gets back to himself anyway, it's better not to make it more difficult for him.

Everyone is delighted and charmed by little Jamie, he is so sweet and charming and lovely and they do nothing but compliment him, they are completely occupied with him.

James is a happy child, he always sings, he always hums, he always shouts, he is small but fills the entire space.

Oh Merlin, so he's always been this loud. But what do you expect from a magical, hyperactive toddler with attention deficit?

"You are so veeeeewry big! Can I ride you?" James points his finger at Remus and smiles widely, showing his teeth.

Remus chokes at that and as he fights for his life, Sirius says, "No chance, mate."

"WHY NOT" James demands an answer, stomping his foot. "I've ridden a lot of people!" He argues, the rest suppresses laughter, because how wrong it sounds coming from James's childish mouth? "And why are you deciding for him?" He looks menacingly at Sirius. "He's super strong and maybe he'll let me climb on his back, if I ask him nicely," he huffs.

"Oh you mean if I'll give you a piggyback ride, buddy?" Remus asks to be sure, James nods eagerly. "If you want," he encourages with a smile and offers him his back, crouching next to him.

"Sirius, are you just going to let someone else ride your boyfriend?" Peter raises an eyebrow, teasing him.

"Shut up," Sirius huffs.

"What's a boyfriend?" James whispers a question into Remus' ear.

"Hmm, it's like a couple. If you love a boy very much and he loves you back, you have a boyfriend." Remus explains.

"Is he your boyfriend?" James pointed at Sirius.

"Yes, that's my boyfriend." Remus nods with a proud smile.

"Pretty." Jamie concluded scanning him for a moment, but he quickly turns his attention to Remus. "Why not a husband?" He asks because his mom loves his dad and his dad is his mom's husband, not her boyfriend.

"Hmm," Remus wonders. He wonders how to explain this to a child.

"That's a good question!" Sirius agrees immediately, it's so good to know that James, even though he's small, is still Sirius' biggest supporter.

"To be a husband you have to get married." Remus decides to answer this question, which leads to further questions.

Remus didn't think this through, did he? What did he expect when entering into a discussion with a curious little boy?

"And why didn't you get married?" James asks curiously, because if they loved each other, why not?

"Because before you get married, you have to propose." Remus explains calmly.

"Like... with the ring?" Jamie guesses, he remembers his mom telling him the story of how his dad proposed to her.

"Yes, exactly." Remus nods.

"Why don't you do it?" James continues his questions.

"I don't have a ring." Remus decides on the simplest answers.

"Why don't you have a engagement ring?" James frowns, he should have it, right? Isn't it like you get one as an inheritance for some birthday? Oh, he's not a pureblood, is he?

"Because I can't afford it." Remus sighs, James' curiosity was obviously no less in his childhood than it is now.

"Why? You are poor?" James tilts his head, looking at him curiously.

"James," Peter scolds him. "That's not nice," he tells him.

"What?" The little boy wrinkles his nose. "I didn't mean to be rude," he apologizes immediately, he likes Remus and doesn't want to make him sad. "I can give you money to buy a nice ring for the boy you love." He suggests.

"You're cute." Remus chuckles.

"I love you," James decided and kissed Remus on the nose ten chuckled and that makes Remus smiles widely. "Down," he asked, Remus let him go and James ran to Sirius' bed. "Sirius, do you love Remus?" He looks at older boy judgmentally.

"Of course." Sirius nods solemnly.

"You better do." James decided and left.

"Was that a threat?" Sirius laughed.

It was a fun and nice evening.

Night comes and they fell asleep quickly.

The next day, the boys are forced to take James with them to class.

You can guess that it doesn't end well.

At first it was fine, apart from complaining that the boy was bored and whining every ten minutes asking for a new activity... it was fine.

It was easier than they expected because, realizing that James had ADHD, they thought it would be difficult to get him to sit down or keep him interested, but apparently they knew James enough to know his interests and special interests too, and knew him enough to help him feel good.

James was not as hyperactive as it might seem, the boys knew that he could cope with it by running, having Quidditch training and exercising, so they also tried to involve little James in exercises to help him release his energy.

James, of course, ran a lot, jumped, fidgeted and everything, but it was... bearable. It was good.

Taking James to breakfast and class was a shock to most of the students, but Minnie told them: "Deal with this on your own." so they didn't really have a choice.

James sat at his desk and the rest of the students looked at him suspiciously.

Remus kept giving him new sheets of parchment, and Sirius turned the ink into different colors and the boy drew. Then they gave him a comic book to browse and then they conjured up figurines of Quiditch players, with which James was fascinated and his eyes shone with joy.

Besides, James was sitting in class, sometimes listening to the teachers and wondering what all these wise words meant.

Herbology classes, although the last one, turned out to be the most interesting.

While the marauders were planting some seeds, James paced around the greenhouse in fascination. He looked at various boxes and pictures of flowers. It was beautiful here.

Later he observed the work of others. Pot, seed, soil, water, some powder, boom the plant is ready.

He also wanted to try.

He grabbed some seeds from one student's table and found a nice pot and filled it with soil, the seed in his hands... it was so pretty, it looked like candy...

"Mrs. Sprout, I have a question!" James asks loudly. She walked up to him and crouched down next to the boy and the mess he had made, the soil was scattered around the pot and the boy was covered in dirt. She smiled slightly. "What if I accidentally dropped a plant seed into my mouth... and then I ate it, does that mean a magical plant will grow in my tummy?" He asks, pursing his lips.

"Hmm, let's think about it." She chuckles, it's impossible for a magic seed to grow in a human body. "Did you also accidentally eat plant food?" She asks, shaking her head in amusement. The only thing that could harm him is plant fertilizer.

"Yes." James nodded seriously.

"Oh well, let's take you to Madam Pomfrey," Mrs. Sprout's eyes widen. Not good, very bad.

She takes the boy to the hospital wing as quickly as possible and finishes her esson early.

"Poppy!" The boy runs to her with a happy smile.

"Oh, Jamie, what brings you here?" All teachers have been informed of this minor inconvenience affecting James Potter, so Poppy wasn't surprised to see a four-year-old in her office.

"I ate food for flowers and I'm not a flower!" He said. Mrs. Sprout is right behind him and explains the situation better.

After an hour, the boy is ready to return to his friends, just in time for dinner.

After diner, the marauders were called to Minerva's office, and Mr. and Mrs. Potter were already waiting there for their son.

When Euphemia found herself in Minerva's office and the little boy fell into her arms, everyone expected that everything would go back to normal, but it didn't. James hasn't changed a bit.

It hurts. It hurts a parent's heart to know that your child doesn't trust you.

Jams ran as fast as his little legs could carry him and ran at his mom, hugging her tightly.

He snuggled into her and everyone waited for him to turn into his normal self, because he was safe, right?

But no. James was still a little child.

"Mommy?" James pulls away and wipes the tears from her cheeks with his little fists. "Are you crying, mommy? I'm sorry I'm little..." he moved away from her a little and his lip quivered. "Don't cry, Mommy, it's not your fault. I'm sorry I disappointed you, please don't be sad, I didn't mean to make you sad, I'm sorry." His voice was shaky as if he was on the verge of tears himself.

There was one thing James Potter couldn't stand – disappointing the people he wanted to make proud of him. After all, his most important goal in life was to make someone so proud of him, right?

"Don't be sorry, honey," Effie strokes his head with a small smile, but how was he supposed to do it? How could he not be sorry? James made his mom sad. It's all his fault, he has to fix it.

"Maybe he just needs more time?" Horcay wonders. "Take him home and see what happens."

So the Potter family were returning home.

They were returning home, hoping that maybe the family home, James's own room and a warm atmosphere would make thier son feel good again.

Fleamont lifted the boy into his arms and James smiled widely and giggled as his dad tickled him.

"Dad, daddy! But we'll come back, right? Jamie happy with his friends," he states. "Can we come back? Please please please, pretty please!"

"Sure, Jamie, you'll be able to come back," Fleamont assured with a gentle smile. It's so sweet how much James cares about his friends.

James wraps his arms around his dad's neck and smiles happily.

Fleamont holds him in his arms, he is holding his son, his little boy.

How long had it been since he held his son like that? When was the last time James ran into his arms and Fleamont picked him up and spun them around, making the little boy laugh? How long had it been since when James stopped giggling so happily?

And when did Monty miss it? How could he let these moments slip through his fingers? How?

"No, dad! Jamie sad if you're sad," James places his hands on his dad's cheeks and looks into his eyes with seriousness. "Jamie will make dad happy, I promise," he whispered.

Oh little Jamie, always wanting to make everyone around happy. No wonder he grow up to be a people pleaser, right?

The Potter family quickly found themselves at home, and little James immediately started running around, filling the house with laughter and himself.

Oh how long since these walls had not heard a child's laughter, how long since this floor had become unaccustomed to little feet stamping on it, how long since the ceiling had not seen this messy curls, it has already forgotten how many stains this little one had caused.

James always brought joy to the house, but the house didn't always bring joy to James.

James loved his parents and loved his family home with all his heart. He loved coming back here and every holidays, every Christmas or weekends was a reason for him to be excited and happy, James loved his place on earth. But... but sometimes he felt bad.

James felt inadequate very often, and it was even more devastating at home, because no matter how much love he received, he knew that his parents were not completely happy.

They weren't completely happy and James couldn't do anything to change it (he had tried everything).

They love him, of course, but he doesn't live up to their expectations.

James's parents always dreamed of a big family, many offspring, sons and daughters and a house filled with laughter and the pitter-patter of little feet, but life can be cruel.

Effie and Monty had one child, they had James and they loved him more than anything, but just because they spoiled him with love didn't mean that James was completely happy.

Because even though no one had ever suggested it to him, no one ever imposed but... James felt like he couldn't make any mistake. He had to be perfect.

He was the only child of his parents, he couldn't disappoint them, he couldn't let them down. They only had him, James couldn't be a problem, he had to be perfect. James had to be perfect to make up for the fact that they only had him. He had to meet their expectations, he couldn't be a burden.

He didn't want to hurt his parents, he didn't want to disappoint them, so he often didn't tell them about the things that were bothering him. Even though he knew he could, even though he knew they would support him and understand him, a part of him was terrified that maybe deep inside their hearts they will be disappointed with him.

This thought terrified him so much that he did not share his difficult thoughts with his parents. It was too hard.

He didn't want to see his mom cry, he didn't want to think about how they will blame themself a lot, convinced that it was their fault that James had problems.

James didn't want to think about how much he would hurt them, how they would think that they had hurt him, that they had done something wrong. that they raised him wrong.

He didn't want this, he loved them.

He loved them, but sometimes love was difficult.

And now little James felt inadequate... His parents didn't want the little boy he was now. They were sad to see him because he brought them unwanted, long-forgotten emotions.

He reminded them of what they had lost and what they couldn't have and it was all James' fault.

James wasn't responsible for other people's emotions, he wasn't the one to deal with them and fix them. Adults should be able to process their own emotions, but that doesn't change the fact that James did it. He did it all the time. He helped others with their emotions while ignoring his own.

He probably didn't know there was a difference between being happy and being distracted from sadness.

But it didn't matter, now his parents were sad and even though they tried to hide it from the little boy, he knew. So he decided to comfort them. He wanted to do something nice for them to cheer them up.

He drew a beautiful picture of their family and gave it to his parents, very proud of his work.

And they smiled beautifully as they watched his work.

And James felt a little better about himself.

He was good.

He wanted to be good.

He will be good.

<<<>>>

Sirius and Regulus were asked to Slughorn's office right after James left Hogwarts.

"Regulus," Minerva, who is also present, turns to the boy with a sympathetic smile.

"Hello boys, we have a few things to discuss," Slughorn begins with a sigh.

"These have been difficult days for all of us, and I think you will agree, boys, that the unwanted effects of potions have been... not good." Minerva sighs heavily. It's hard to deal with these marauders.

"Which is why..."

"We must draw consequences from this situation." Minerva decides to continue when Slughorn does not.

"Unfortunately, it was your fault that a student of our school suffered." Slughorn looks at Regulus with regret and... disappointment?

Regulus felt his heart clench, oh no...

"James has been rejuvenated for a reason that will surely leave a mark on his psyche, and he also loses valuable hours of study by not being able to attend classes. This is a difficult situation... And we need you to understand that playing with potions is dangerous." Minerva says and the brothers don't understand what she's trying to do, if they want to give them detention, let them do it without these unnecessary games and all this talk.

"You have no idea, boy, how hard this is for me... it's hard for me to say this, but... I'm so sorry, Regulus, but you're being expelled from Potions class." Slughorn doesn't look at him, he can't. He tramples on the young wizard's dreams and he feels terrible about it.

"WHAT? WHY? You won't do this to him. You can not!" Sirius explodes in anger while Regulus sits quietly in his chair, digging his nails into the palms of his hands, trying to breathe.

"Sirius, calm down," Minerva aks him with another sigh. "We decided it was the right decision, we couldn't let something like this happen again-"

"It wasn't even his fault! You can't punish him! If you want to take consequences, do it on me, because what happened was my fault! You can't take away his dreams, you can't hurt him, you can't, I don't agree to it!" When it came to defending Regulus... Sirius had that big brother instinct, he wouldn't let his little brother get hurt.

"Sirius, this wasn't your potion-" Minerva still maintains a calm tone of voice.

"I'm the one who made the boys go there on Saturday, it was all our fault Minnie, I'm the one who scared James so much that he knocked the potion off the damn shelf, it's my fault so leave him alone!" Sirius talks and talks because he can take the punishment, he can do it, but not Regulus, Regulus doesn't deserve it.

Sirius wouldn't forgive himself if his younger brother lost everything he worked so hard for because of him.

"Regulus shouldn't keep potions in his room, he shouldn't put them somewhere easily accessible-" Slughorn joins in the explanation.

"He is innocent!" Sirius shouts, interrupting him. "You know how good he is in Potions, you can't do this to him, it's his dream, if he can't pass his Potions exams -" if he doesn't have a diploma, he won't be able to do the job he dreams of. They can't take it away from him because of one mistake. Regulus has been in the highest rankings in Potions since first year, they can't-

"Sirius, if a student uses the knowledge acquired in class in an inappropriate way -" Minerva tries to present her arguments.

"Oh, so you're going to kick me out of trafiguration class, now?" He raised his eyebrow defiantly.

"What are you talking about?" Minerva swallows with stress, he doesn't mean- He doesn't mean the whole being an illegal Animagus thing, does he? He doesn't talk about it, he can't -

"You know exactly what I'm talking about, Minnie." He looks at her flatly and emotionlessly. Oh Merlin.

"Sirius, it's not-" Minerva takes a deep breath.

"This is not the same?" He mocks "Because what? Because you like me? Because you know I'm trying? Because you know I want to be good? Maybe he wants that too!"

"Sirius, you know well-" yes, Minerva has a weakness for Sirius Black, she understands him and allowed him more than others, she knows it's not fair but... but she loves her boy like a son and it's just...

"No I do not know! Minnie, you know I won't forgive you for this, you know-"

"Sirius, stop." Regulus's quiet and rather weak voice interrupts him.

This boy had nerves and feelings made of steel, always the same blank expression or scowl on his face. His voice never trembles, his voice was always stable. His eyes never felt tears.

But now a completely different person stands before them. It's a young boy with a sense of guilt, it's a face that doesn't suit Regulus Black at all, but one that Sirius knows too well.

It was Regulus's face that he saw often in childhood, every time Reggie came to Sirius after quarrel with parents, every time he dressed Sirius's wounds, every time it was bad.

"Come on, they're right." Regulus says, this docile, meek boy, submitting to the wishes of adults. Sirius had hoped that the boy had long since disappeared, but now... Regulus' nails were digging deeper into his palms, so much that they start bleeding. "It's better this way, I'm dangerous." His voice breaks even though it's a whisper.

And oh, Minerva's heart breaks, oh how he reminds her of Sirius, her lovely boy who was crying in her office, years ago asking what was wrong with him and why he couldn't be a good friend, why he couldn't be a good person.

Oh Merlin, it hurts.

"What the hell?" Sirius turns abruptly towards his brother. "No, Regulus, please no." Sirius wants to shake him, no, no, no, it's bad, it's very bad. "You are good, you are good, you make mistakes, people make mistakes." It was just a mistake, Sirius doesn't need others pointing out to Regulus that he hurt someone, Regulus was probably already beating himself up too much for it. "It was an accident, it's not your fault, it's okay, you're okay." Sirius pleads, he looks down at the thin streaks of blood on his brother's hands and swallows hard. "Fuck, no," his head hits Regulus's chest, "I'm so sorry, it's my fault, please forgive me," he rasps, desperate.

"I shouldn't have kept the potions, much less allowed you access to them, or encouraged Lupin to take one of them, or told James to go there then." Regulus shakes his head in resignation, tears shine in his eyes. "It's me. I am the problem. It's okay." He assures calmly, too calmly. "I understand your decision, thank you for the information, it was an honor to benefit from your lessons, Mr. Slughorn," he said to the professors.

Sirius is horrified by the emptiness in his little brother's eyes.

Regulus leaves and Sirius runs after him, sending one last furious glare at the teachers.

"Do you think maybe..." Horace asks.

"We overdo it? Maybe." Minerva agrees.

"So what, let's change it?" He suggests. "I don't want to lose my best student." He confesses.

"Considering it wasn't actually much more harmful than my boys' pranks..." Minerva nods.

"And he knows he made a mistake and he regrets it ..." Slughorn supports.

"What if..." Minerva wonders. "What if we will ask James when this is over whether he wants to draw consequences towards the young Black?"

"Sounds good," Horace agrees, happy with this solution. "So who will tell the brothers?"

"Do you want to face Black madness? I'm used to it, I'll do it." Minerva decides.

<<<>>>

When night comes, the stars come out in the sky and people fall asleep, it so happens that Sirius couldn't fall asleep that night, getting lost in his swirling thoughts.

He tried to lie down on the bed and fall asleep, not wanting to wake up the rest of the boys. Sleep doesn't come and his thoughts go crazy.

Needing help doesn't mean you are weak he repeated to himself as he walked slowly to the other side of the room.

"Sirius?" Remus rubs the sleep from his eyes and makes room for his boyfriend on the bed. "Something wrong? Can't you sleep?" Sirius doesn't answer, he just lies down on the warm bed and cuddles up to Remus, enjoying his soothing scent. "Okay," Remus gives up, knowing he won't get an answer, and he tenderly kisses his boyfriend's temple before burying his hand in his silky hair, playing with them. Sirius loved it.

If Sirius needs time, he will get it.
If Sirius needs attention, he will get it.
If Sirius needs him by his side, Remus will be there.
If Sirius needed anything, Remus would do anything to give it to him.

Sirius loves him so much. Remus is the best thing in his life. Sirius is incredibly grateful for the very existence of someone like Remus Lupin, and the fact that this boy was his friend? Wow, this is already too much. And then it turns out that this friend is also his boyfriend and he loves him with all his heart. Is there anything more beautiful? Anything better?

Sirius was the happiest person in the world every moment Remus Lupin touched him.

"I'm worried," Sirius admitted quietly after a long moment of blissful silence. He knows he can trust Remus, he knows he can tell him anything, he knows there is nothing that will make him love Sirius any less or push Remus away from him.

"Yeah?" Remus encouraged him to continue.

"I'm worried about James," he elaborates, but Remus doesn't understand much.

"I'm sure he won't hold it against you, you'll see, we'll all be laughing about it tomorrow." Remus promises.

He knows that Sirius gets lost in his head sometimes, he knows that right now he most likely blames himself for the whole situation, that he feels like he hurt James and he would never, ever want to hurt him, so he panics.

"The thing is..." Sirius felt uncertain. "James won't be back to being himself for 24, 48 or even 100 hours," he whispered hesitantly.

"What do you mean?" Remus raises an eyebrow.

"It was a different potion..." Sirius starts. "Its effects wouldn't wear off." He speaks slowly, carefully weighing each word in his mouth before he says it, not wanting to say too much, but he can't keep it in anymore, it's too heavy, he hopes James will forgive him for this. "For James to come back he needs to feel vulnerable."

"It's easy, isn't it? He's spending time with his parents, everything will be back to normal soon." Remus reassures soothingly, there's nothing to worry about, making James happy was easy.

"Now he is in the last time he felt vulnerable." Sirius blurts out quickly.

"What?" Remus blinks slowly, Sirius certainly didn't mean-

"The last time James felt safe and at ease was 13 years ago, Remus." Sirius doesn't dare look at him, and Remus can feel him starting to shiver.

"You're kidding," Remus's eyes widen in shock. "This is sick," he shakes his head, unable to accept the thought.

"I couldn't hold it in any longer, I know James will be terribly angry and devastated but... I can't deal with it alone." Sirius admits quietly.

"I'm proud of you, sweetheart," Remus kisses his nose.

Admitting he's weak is a big step, it's a big step for Sirius. Sirius who always had to be perfect because he is the future head of the Black family, because he is the heir, Sirius who was taught from a young age that emotions are weakness.

"Slughorn checks to see if the potion was made correctly, but... what if it was? What if James never lived a single day being completely himself? I feel like a shitty friend." How could he not notice? How could he let his best friend live in pain? How could he?

"I never would have thought that he could have such problems..." Remus admits, embarrassed by himself and how easily he concluded and believed that James could be the happy and carefree one all the time, without any worries or problems.

"And I almost ruined Regulus' future out of jealousy," Sirius starts a new topic, his eyes watering. "I'm also a shitty brother, as it turns out." He laughs, but it's wet because of the tears and crying that overwhelms him.

"No, Sirius, you're not," Remus assures immediately. "You're good," he reminds him, squeezing him a little tighter in hug. "What happened?"

"Slughorn wanted to expel him from Potions class because of the accident with James. And it's my fault because of me James-"

"Sirius, it's nobody's fault, it was an accident." Remus pats his head. "I can't believe Slughorn wanted to expel his favorite student."

"Reggie was devastated." Sirius confessed quietly. "I'm not sure if I know how to be a good brother."

"But you keep trying, eventually you will find what suits you best. You are good and you're trying, that's what matters, you will figure it out, I'm sure." Remus assures gently.

"I love you, Moons," Sirius sniffs.

"Oh, my star," Remus smiles "I love you too."

It's a long night.

<<<>>>

"James couldn't wait to see you again, would it be okay if he stayed here for two hours while Effie and I go shopping?" Monty asks, turning to his son's friends. They don't take these situations very well, but they try for James, their dear son. They're trying. For James, they will always try their best, they would do anything for their son.

"Of course it won't be a problem," Peter assures cheerfully. "We'll take care of him, we'll have a great time, right J?" James squeaks excitedly.

"Yes!" Little boy shouts. "You know dad promised to take me to the game! The real one, with brooms and all! Mom agreed, if I'm good!"

"That's great mate!"

It was already after today's lessons and everyone had free time, so they eagerly gathered in the marauders' dormitory to jump on the bed and play games with little James. Little Jamie was adorable.

This kid had so much energy and life in him that it was amazing that he didn't need any sugar to run up the walls.

Marlene and Pete received lots of questions like, "Was he always like this?" "Do you remember if James-?" "Was his childhood-?" and they answered each of them with joy, recalling their childhood.

Their childhood was happy and it was good that they had each other. Just because they had each other, they also had all these wonderful and good memories like coming up with dance arrangements and presenting them to James' mom so that she would let them have sleepover. Oh, how much fun they had.

Jamie loved all his friends.

He spent most of his time with Peter and Marlene because he knew them the most at the moment but Sirius seemed to be great, James would use the phrase 'soulmate' but it was hard for him to understand it, he loved Remus and his soft sweaters, he loved Mary and her colorful clothes, he loved Lilly's freckles.

They were all so nice and lovely to him and he felt so good, happy and cheerful...

And James had to destroy it. Of course.

"I'm going to be a big brother, you know?" He asked all excited. "Mommy is going to have a baby, really!" Oh, James was so excited to have a sibling.

He was going to be such a good big brother, he couldn't wait. He loved the fact that his dad allowed him to choose the color of the walls in his siblings' room, that they would soon be building a cradle for the baby together.

"Oh really? That's great, buddy, you're going to be a great brother, aren't you?" Lilly smiled at him and he smiled back.

"I was sure that James was an only child," Remus frowns.

"He is," Peter informs, he is sure.

"But he just said that-" Mary frowns in confusion.

"I'll take him somewhere else," Pete suggests, not wanting the little boy to hear this conversation.

"Mary, that baby wasn't born." Marlene explains.

"What do you mean, it's- oh." Mary opens her mouth slightly in shock.

"Did you know?" Sirius looks at Marlene.

"Well... all I know is that Effie and Monty have been trying to have a baby for a very long time and several attempts ended... in failure. I know James was a miracle to them and... but I had no idea that later also..." She shakes her head.

"Wait, he's a sunshine baby?" Sirius frowns.

"Can we not talk about how cheerful and happy he is when talking about the miscarriage?" Lilly raises an eyebrow.

"Well, a sunshine baby its the living child born before a pregnancy loss." Sirius explains.

"Well, that's fucked up." Remus concluded.

"Do you think that's might be why James treats us like family?" Mary asks

"Because he wants what he lost, because he wants to have siblings?" Marlene adds.

"I- It's so sad." Sirius states and this is the moment when James and Peter return with sweets.

"You're sad?" James reacts immediately, runs to Sirius and looks at his face as if to check if he was crying. "What can I do? How can I help?"

He wanted to help.

James lived to be needed.

He only knew how to exist when he was wanted.

This never changed.

James thinks it probably won't change in future either.

"Jamie, I'm fine, I'm not sad, don't worry." Sirius assures with a small smile.

"Okay," he nods "You know I'll be four in five days?" He asks, wanting to talk about something happier.

"Really? And what would you like for your birthday, Jamie?" Sirius asked with a soft smile.

"Hmmm, that's difficult, I was thinking about my mom teaching me how to make these super friends bracelets, it would be a great gift!" James decided.

"Like this one?" Remus asked, picking up the bracelet from James's dresser that he never parted with. It was colorful and chaotic, but it had its own charm. And well, Jamed loved it.

"Yes, just like that! I'm dreaming of one!" Jamie informed seriously. "It's so pretty! Perfect!"

"James was so happy when he got it, I think he and Effie made them when he was six," Pete says with a smile.

Peter remembers how James bragged about his new bracelet for days and then treated his friends with similar bracelets so they wouldn't feel left out, Peter still had his somewhere.

Jamie was a sweet child.

"Effie put some spells on it so it doesn't break and it doesn't weigh anything so it doesn't irritate him or bother him and he couldn't take it off if he didn't want it, so he can't lose it, she thought of everything," Marlene adored James' parents and Effie was unbelievably amazing, that's for sure.

"My mommy's amazing!" Jamie agreed.

When it came time to go home, James begged to stay with his friends so they could have a slumber party.

Effie promised that he could stay over the weekend because his friends had school and they can't have a slumber party with him now, so he begged his parents to come visit them tomorrow.

And well...

The weekend came and no changes occurred. James was still a little kid.

Every day looked the same, James spent the morning with his parents giggling and playing with his food at breakfast while his parents smiled tenderly. He spent the afternoon with his friends breaking their hearts with his feelings, words and thoughts. In the evening he came home and fell asleep hoping that next day will be better.

He had the impression that everyone was demanding something from him, everyone wanted him to change, they wanted big James to come back and Jamie felt that pressure.

Almost a week had passed and everyone was nervous and stressed, if James hadn't come back for so long... what if he never came back? They've tried everything, really.

They split up so that everyone could be alone with James for a while, because it doesn't matter who makes him feel safe, what matters is that James comes back to them, but it didn't help.

James' parents also tried everything they could think of, they tried to recreate his core memories. They even tried magic and spells, but to no avail.

Horace Slughorn was trying to find the reagent for Regulus' potion.

They did everything to help James, but James was still... a little boy.

Remus read for him and James smiled and said he loved him.

Peter took him outside and they weaved flower wreaths for each other, James smiled and said he loved him.

Sirius showed him the magic tricks they had invented together, James smiled and said that he loved him.

Marlene took him to the field where they flew on brooms, (less than two meters above the ground, and with a lot of protective spells so that nothing would happen to the boy), James smiled and said that he loved her.

Lilly took him for a walk around the school and showed him his favorite places, James smiled and said that he loved her.

Mary cuddled him, played games with him, and let him touch and play her nail polish, and James smiled and said that he loved her.

James told them over and over again that he loved them and shared his love with them all the time.

Didn't they feel like they said the same things to him too rarely?

On Friday, Jamie gets the promised slumber party with his friends and he is extremely excited.

The rest hoped that it might help him get back to himself.

Pete offered that they could take care of him all day on Saturday so Effie and Monty could rest, they tried not to show it but it was... difficult for them.

It's difficult when it turns out that your son, with whom you have a great relationship, turns out that all this... is not true, that it is not sincere.

It's difficult when it turns out that you are doing something wrong, that you have failed as a parent.

"Hey, maybe... maybe if we all tell James what we're grateful for, he'll feel appreciated and then... then it'll be okay." Peter suggests, every idea is good, every attempt is worth it.

"That's a good idea, Pete," Sirius agrees.

"Let's try," Marlene nods.

"Sounds promising," Remus and Lilly said at the same time.

"So who starts?" Mary asks.

"Jamie, come here!" Sirius calls cheerfully, James runs over with a wide smile.

"We want to tell you some nice things, what do you say?" Remus gives him a soft smile.

"I like that idea!" said the little boy. "Can I also say nice things to you in return?"

"Of course, Jamie," Mary smiled fondly at him. This boy is so adorable.

"So maybe I'll start," Remus suggests. "Hello Jamie, I would like you to know that I am extremely grateful that you are in my life, that you have a gentle soul and you see the good in everyone, even in me. Thank you for not giving up on trying to become my friend," Remus smiled slightly, "and most importantly, you put up with all of us, thank you for that," he decided to add.

"It's a pleasure putting up with you, you make me happy." James responds.

"Thank you for every minute you devoted to me, for every night you didn't sleep because of me, thank you for always supporting me no matter how stupid my idea is. And..." Sirius stops biting his lip, "thank you for showing me that I can be loved, that there is something about me worth attention, something more than my name. Thank you for being my brother, James."

"I like being your brother, Sirius," James grins happily.

"Thank you for making my childhood the happiest it could ever be," now it's Peter's turn "Thank you for being my friend James, thank you for always being by my side, for always supporting me, you are a wonderful person, you are warm and kind and oh, I can't imagine my life without you in it. Thank you for every new flower you found and brought to me, asking me to tell you about it, just to make me feel important."

"You are important, " James assures with a smile. "Thank you for liking me."

"Jamie, thank you for making your house my home, thank you for all the times you hugged me when I needed it because I didn't have to say anything, you just knew. Thank you for sharing my love of Quidditch and for always including me on the team when other kids said girls couldn't play. You are the best friend I can have." Marlene sniffs. "And thank you for making me feel emotions," she huffed, wiping away her tears.

"Emotions are good," he chuckled, wiping away the tears that ran down her cheek with his little hand. "And you, Marls are the best best friend I could ever ask for."

Sirius gasped indignant, Marlene laughed.

"You have no idea how jealous I was of you in first year," Marlene glared at Sirius, "I hated that you were taking away my best friend because he's MY best friend, who do you think you are, Black, huh?"

"A star that lights up your life, my dear friend," Sirius blew her a kiss.

"And for being such a good listener," the beginning of Lilly's statement escaped them. "Thank you for asking me to tell you about the book I'm reading, even though you don't want to hear it, but you want me to feel heard. I thank you, Jamie, for being able to listen and advise, for always knowing what to say, for not even having to try to be perfect,"

"Oh, no, I'm trying really hard, actually, " James denies. "And I like your voice," he added with a sweet smile.

"And I can't speak as beautifully as all of them, but James, thank you for always making me feel important, needed and appreciated, thank you for encouraging me in my dreams and plans. Thank you for learning to sew especially for me, just to help me. You are so selflessly kind... thank you."

"I like to make you happy, so thank you," he says, showing his little teeth in a beautiful smile.

"It didn't help..." Pete noted quietly.

"But I guess he needed it anyway..." Sirius smiled faintly.

"We don't talk much about how important he is to us." Malrene says and it's probably true.

They thank James for being understanding while he is not being understood.

They thank him for supporting them, but he himself is not supported.

They thank him for making them feel important and appreciated, even though he does not feel appreciated at all.

They thank him for being there for them when they need it, even though when he needs someone they are not there.

They thank him for noticing them and knowing the little things about them even though they don't do the same for him.

They thank him for everything he needs and doesn't have, for everything he gives to others in the hope that they will return the same favor.

But that's okay.

James loves them, and they love him too. He'll be fine.

Oh but how he wishes someone would treat him as gently as he treats others.

He wishes
for someone to show him that he can be loved,
for someone to let him rant about his special interest, to make him feel important,
for someone to hug him knowing that James needs it without James asking for it,
for someone to make him feel heard,
for someone to encourage him in his dreams instead of telling him they were impossible.

He would like someone to think about him the way he thinks about others.

That's the problem with having too much love, you don't know where to put it. That's the curse of love, you have no guarantee that you'll get it back.

Jamie falls asleep in his star-patterned sleeping bag, this child was as obsessed with astrology as he was with Quidditch until he was seven. His favorite constellation was Leo, because after all, the lion is the best animal ever, lions are super cool, brave and everything.

Maybe that's why he was so interested in the boy named after the Lion's heart.

"Do you think it is possible that some people are born to give more love than they will ever get back in return?" James is yawning, already dozing off when he asks this question.

People pay attention to how much James Potter loves other people, but no one thinks about how much he craves feeling loved by others.

And what are they supposed to tell him?

<<<>>>

"Where's Regulus?" James asks with a disgruntled pout. "I haven't seen him for sooooo long. He is ill? Oh, maybe he doesn't want to see me... He doesn't want to see me?" James asked, terribly concerned and worried. He happened to miss Regulus, but what if Regulus doesn't miss him? James liked him and wanted to be liked by him too.

What if Regulus doesn't like him? What did James do wrong?

"Regulus is stressed out by being around kids, it has nothing to do with you, I'm sure if we suggests he would agree to meet," Sirius explains, assuring him that it has nothing to do with him, he doesn't want the boy to feel bad.

Sirius wouldn't lie to him, would he? Sirius must be right.

"We'll offer it to him at breakfast, what do you say?" Peter suggests.

"Yes!" James jumped excitedly.

James couldn't wait for breakfast and when it finally came, he entered the great hall and looked around only for one face.

"Reggie!" Jamie called loudly, the whole hall heard him, everyone paid attention to the little boy.

James Potter, for sure, because there were rumors, they had even seen him in this childish form. His friends tried to hide him from others' eyes, but they could not prevent everything.

"Reggie!" The boy repeated pulling Remus's hand to make him go with Jamie to the boy he was calling.

Regulus hid his face in his hands out of embarrassment.

"Reggie, your little friend is calling you, didn't you hear?" Barty nudged him, amused.

"Shut up," it's Evan's voice, not Regulus's, that silences him. The first words he said to him since thier morning quarrel. Nice.

"Um, James really wanted to see you," Remus stands awkwardly at the Slytherin table with the four-year-old clinging to his neck.

"Really?" Regulus snorted. "Hi James," he said to the boy gently before James could get saddened by his unenthusiastic reaction.

It happened to Regulus... completely by accident! That he was observing James Potter...

Regulus Black was an observer, he knew everything about everything and noticed more than others. Regulus was always able to tell by body language how his friends were feeling and what they needed at any given moment.

James Potter wasn't his friend, no. So why did he know so well not to call him annoying? Why wasn't he as harshly to him as he could? Why did he notice how James Potter's smile faded whenever his friends weren't paying attention to him?

"Why don't you spend time with me? Don't you like me?" James asks simply, words that an adult James would not be able to say because he could hurt someone with them and in the process turn himself into a victim. James wasn't feeling sorry for himself, it wasn't appropriate. "I play with my friends every day and you haven't been with us even a single day," he says sadly, as if he really cared about Regulus' presence.

James cared about him, his little heart didn't understand why but it was probably big James' fault, big James must like this boy. Little Jamie adores him too, Regulus listens, listens to him and doesn't pity him, he tries to understand and that's something James needs, the feeling of not being judged, the feeling that he doesn't have to be perfect to be valuable.

Regulus couldn't tell him that they weren't friends and tell him to fuck off, could he? This child is four years old for Merlin sake.

Regulus was terrified of how the time spent with little James affected him, how it made James Potter become more human, more ordinary, more normal in his eyes.

This time made Regulus think that his crush might be more than just a stupid moment of infatuation, and it scared him.

"I don't really like being in Gryffindor, you know? Too many stairs," Regulus said, wrinkling his nose, which made James laugh. "If you want, today we can spend time together, I have the day off," Regulus suggests, He didn't want to break the heart of a boy so excited to be in his presence, did he? "Just ask permission... whoever is taking care of you now," he warns.

Oh how much his friends would make fun of him for how gentle and careful he was with James.

"Really? I can? Remus, can I? Please, I'll be good! Reggie agreed! Jamie's happy!" The boy shouts happily.

"Sure..." Remus looks uncertainly at Regulus and his friends. "Will you take care of him?"

"We will take very good care of him," Barty says with a maniacal smile.

"I'm not really convinced," Remus grimaces.

"Lupin," Regulus rolls his eyes, "I won't let anything happen to him and if something happens I will inform Sirius, yeah?"

"Yeah, okay, he's so excited so..." Remus nods. "Um, you have to know that this might be a little difficult," he warns. The boys look at him with interest. Like, come on, taking care of a child can be difficult? Wow, what a discovery. "James has an attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder," he purses his lips, he didn't want to share this with the world without James' knowledge and consent, but it's rather important information if they are to take care of him.

"Come on, no one ever realized that this kid has ADHD." Barty rolls his eyes. "Just look at Potter on any given day. Nobody has that much energy, it's impossible, there must be something wro-"

Reglus interrupts Barty's speech by slapping him hard on the back of the head and giving him a furious look.

"He has no control over it and it's not wrong, you idiot," Regulus hissed angrily.

"Oh, I forgot," Barty snorted. "We have to be nice to the Potter boy because you feel damn guilty," he looks accusingly at his friend.

"Barty, I swear, you're such a dork," Evan sighs heavily. "Shut up, you'll be doing everyone a favor." He glared at him and Barty actually quieted down. What was wrong with them today? Why were they picking on him like that? He didn't do anything wrong!

Eventually the boys took little James with them to the Slytherin dormitory. James keeps jumping with excitement, he was so happy to be here with them.

James feels a certain tense atmosphere in the way the boy with the lip ring looks at the blond boy and in the way the blond boy consciously ignores the other one.

James thinks. that they must be angry with each other, so before Regulus stops him, he runs after Barty and pulls him by the shirt. When Barty looked at him and raised an eyebrow, James ordered him to squat down and leaned into his ear and asked a question.

"Is he mad at you?" Jamie asked because Barty seemed to feel guilty. "The blond boy?"

"Yes," Barty nods.

"Were you mean to him?" James asks.

"Yes, I was quite... mean," Barty admits.

Barty doesn't know why his words outraged Evan so much, he doesn't know what he really said wrong, but he must have said something wrong because Evan was furious and they both ended up shouting at each other.

"But you apologized to him?" James makes sure.

"Of course," Barty nods, he apologized as soon as he regained his composure and calmed down, but Evan didn't even look at him and told him, "Speak to me when your feelings are bigger than a teaspoon."

"But he's still mad?" Jamie makes sure.

"Mhm," Barty nods. Barty didn't like it when his friends were mad at him, he didn't like it even more when his boyfriend was mad at him, and usually he tried to understand it quickly and fix it but... but he didn't understand what it was about this time.

"Hmm, ask him to dance." James suggests.

"What?" Barty looks at him as if he had grown a second head.

"Ask him to dance." James repeats.

His dad and mom often danced in the living room by the fireplace or in the kitchen, they had their favorite songs that always took them to the dance floor.

James knew that sometimes after an argument, when Mom was still a little angry at Dad, he would ask her to dance and a few minutes later they were both laughing happily. Anger forgotten.

Imagine that Barty actually took James's advice and when he asked, bowing, Evan burst out laughing in his face, laughing so hard that he forgot that he was angry and kissed Barty and well... the plan worked.

"You really can't understand feelings and you don't know much about emotions, do you?" Evan sighed in defeat. Yes, it was... hard with Barty.

"I have no idea what you're on about, what you're angry about, can you explain to me?" Barty asks because he wants it to be okay, he really does. He cared about Evan, really cared.

"Okay, so let's start with this... did you know that Regulus likes Potter? Like, you know likes likes." Evan asks with raised eyebrow.

"No, he doesn't," Barty denies, frowning. "He does nothing but complain about Potter, about his stupid hair and his stupid eyes and his stupid smile and all that, and when he had to teach him potions -" Barty dwells on this because there's no way Regulus likes James.

Oh. Barty was bad at picking up social cues.

"Okay, so you're more brainless than I thought," Evan sighs. "He likes him, Barty. You know how Regulus is with emotions, he's as afraid of them, so he hides them under anger, but it's visible, the way he smiles stupidly every time he sees him. He has a crush on him, which leads to the fact that you shouldn't and can't saying all these mean things about him." Evan explains calmly, he knows that Barty will understand, but he needs time, he needs simple words and clear instructions and it will be okay.

"Are you bitter because I said some unpleasant things about Potter?" Barty makes sure.

"No, Barty," Evan shakes his head. "I'm angry because you're hurting Regulus and you don't even notice, you have to pay attention to other people's feelings," he orders him, because it's important. Barty has to. Evan knows it's hard for him but he has to, Barty has to be good because he is, Evan knows he is.

"But I- I'm trying." Barty swallows stressed, his eyes glued to the wall behind Evan and not to Evan's face even though there is no better view than his lover's eyes, Barty can't look at him.

"And I appreciate it." Evan assures.

Little steps, it's okay.

"I'm sorry." Barty chews his lip nervously.

"I know that," Evan smiled slightly.

"We're okay?" Barty makes sure, for a second, he dares to look at his boyfriend's face again.

"Yes, we're okay now." Evan nods.

Barty loves that soft smile and that kiss they share moments later.

James and Regulus play some games and it's fun, and then the boy even reads to him, it's so nice. James is happy. Regulus is shocked how calm the boy is in his presence, how he doesn't interrupt him often, how James is able to focus on him and his words.

It's probably because Regulus' voice is soothing to James, James loves Regulus' presence and wants to be good, he tries his best. Regulus is... safe.

"Everyone wants me to be big, but I like being small," James decided at some point.

"Why do you like being little, James?" Regulus asks with interest. He wonders if this affects the effect of the potion, he wonders if the fact that James doesn't want to come back means he can't.

"Because no one expects me to always be
perfect," little boy shrugged, "I can cry and others comfort me instead of being awkward." He whispered. "I can say I don't like something and no one will be offended. I can laugh and scream and giggle and no one tells me to shut up. I can feel my emotions without feeling guilty. I don't have to pretend that I'm always happy. I can do what I want and no one says I'm too much. No one says I'm annoying, they listen my boundaries and- and they are so nice and lovely. It's easier to be small." He confesses and the words barely pass through his throat. "Plus, Remus takes me piggyback rides!" He added happily.

"Oh, you're right, it must be nice." Regulus agrees. It's sick, it's terrible, it's wrong that James thinks this way. "You know what?" He turns to him, looking at him softly.

"What?" The little boy asks curiously.

"I think you can be big and still have it, James," Regulus states. "You can have the support and love you have now, you can set boundaries and you can feel your emotions. I think you can do it," he says it like he really believes it. "Your friends are wonderful and they will definitely help you if they know how you really feel, the talking is difficult but it is an important step." He encourages with a tender smile.

"Do you really think so?" James looked at him with wide eyes, as if a new possibility was opening up to him.

"You are not a problem just because you are having a bad day, everyone has them. You're not a burden because you're sad, we are just humans, you are human James, you are not perfect but that is what is special about each of us, right? These imperfections that build us." How does Regulus know exactly what James needs to hear?

"You think so?" The boy asks again, it's a crazy, almost impossible vision for him, but if Regulus thinks so...

"I think you are wonderful, James, and those who care about you will accept you exactly as you are. You don't have to pretend, you can be yourself." Regulus really believes in it, he knows that if he is able to accept James, his Gryffindor friends shouldn't have the slightest problem with it either.

"I can try to do it," James decided quietly.

"Remember, James," Regulus pleads, "it's okay to be loud and laugh a lot, you're not too much. You are never too much." Does Regulus really have to target his deepest insecurities? "It's okay to be quiet if you don't feel like talking, you're enough. You're always enough." Oh, apparently he have to.

"Thank you," the little boy cries, sobs miserably and rubs his eyes with his fists, but it doesn't help much. Regulus hugs him immediately. "I will ruin your shirt," James whispered, his voice quivering with panic, the fear of being a burden, of tarnishing everything he held dear, gripping him tightly.

Regulus is so nice to him, James shouldn't cause him any trouble.

"James, it's just a T-shirt, it means nothing and you... you mean more than a lot." Regulus whispers, kissing the top of James' head.

Regulus can't take care of children or talk to them, but he hopes that he's not doing too badly and that he's okay.

Maybe this is the conversation James needed, because every time his heart broke he begged let me stay tender-hearted, despite.., despite.., despite... and he remained. His heart was pure, soft and beautiful but cracked and wounded, it needed a bandage or glue. Maybe it was these words, maybe they were the cure. Maybe.

Sirius frowns as he picks up James from Slytherin and the boy's face is teary. However, James doesn't say what happened, he only says that he's fine, that Regulus is super nice and that he adores him, that he wants to come back here again.

And he does it, he does it on a Sunday afternoon.

Jamie and Regulus build a fort out of pillows and blankets, exactly like Sirius taught his brother to make as a child.

Inside it is nice, warm and comfortable. The boys have snacks and lie together on the soft bedding, watching those little stars from Regulus's old night lamp.

"Sometimes I feel like I'm a problem," Jamie confesses quietly.

"James, you're not," Regulus reacts immediately. "You're not a problem, the world is grateful that you exist, the birds are happy to sing for you and the roses only exist so that you can admire them," Roses are James' favorite flower, how does Regulus know? It's not important. "Please James, you were the one who asked the Sun to shine and it does just because it has never forgotten you nor your voice." James chuckled happily.

"You're so nice to me," James smiles. "I have a question," Regulus nodded, encouraging the boy to ask."Do you think anyone could ever love me?" James asks, staring at the ceiling. Regulus is honest with him, he will tell him the truth, right?

This isn't what Regulus expected. James was flooded with love, how could he think that no one would love him?

"I think a lot of people love you," he whispers after a while. He's not desperate enough to tell the four-year-old version of his crush that hey, I love you.

"I don't think so, not really. I mean... I know they love me, but just because they love me doesn't mean that I feel loved by them," he confesses quietly because sometimes he feels that their love is forced or out of pity, that no one really cares about him. Sometimes. "And I? I love with all my heart, I always love too much."

"I know, James," Regulus nods slowly with a sad smile. "Please tell me if it's worth it." He asks, pursing his lips because he is really curious, is it worth loving with all your heart? Is it worth having endless amounts of love within yourself? Is it worth loving the world too much? Is it worth it? "Isn't it hard? Having so much love for everything and everyone? How are you dealing with it? Where do you store all this heartache?"

Where to hide this disappointment, where to put aside the pain that the world gives you, what to do with the love that no one wants?

He's not sure if he'd be able to ask adult James about it but... but now he's asking and he wants answers, he wants to know how much he's lost, he wants to know if it's worth going back to being the original version of himself, to being a boy who caught colorful butterflies and gave them names before he let them out, giggling.

"Having too much love is wonderful and beautiful... until you are left alone and your heart breaks for the thousandth time and you no longer have the strength to pick up the pieces." James states after a moment. "Having love is beautiful, but having too much of it hurts."

"But this pain- is it worth it?"

"I think it is, love is beautiful, you know?" James smiles dreamily. "I think it's worth admiring nature and putting a smile on other people's faces. I want to live my life being for others what doesn't hurt, you know?"

<<<>>>

"James isn't with you?" Peter stares at Remus in slight panic.

"Uh, I was in the library with Sirius taking notes for James," Remus frowns in confusion. "I was sure he stayed in the dormitory with you."

"He didn't stay, he wasn't there," Peter denies, panic gripping them both.

"Okay, okay, maybe he's with the girls," Remus tries to find a simple explanation for James' absence.

"What about us?" Lilly asks, entering the common room with Mary.

"James is with one of you?" Peter asks hopefully.

"No, not with us, Marlene has training, she didn't take him either." Mary frowns.

"Don't say you lost him," Lilly pleads.

But it's true, they lost him. James wasn't with any of them, he disappeared.

The search began, he couldn't have gone far, right? He still had to be in the castle or on the grounds of Hogwarts. They will find him, they just have to...

Sirius was probably the most panicked of all of them, he was given the task of finding a map that had gone missingand they hadn't seen it since last week, he searched their entire room thoroughly, making a big mess while the rest of friends walked around the castle, looking around, asking and calling for little James.

They found James only when Sirius found the map, which was about an hour after the search began.

Jamie was currently in the Slytherin dormitory, close to Regulus.

Sirius quickly ran there, informing his friends that he already knew where to look for the boy.

Sirius was about to run inside, screaming why Regulus hadn't informed anyone that he was taking James, (after all he had no idea that James had found the way to him on his own and said that of course, everyone knew he was here.) but he refrained from doing so because it was strangely quiet inside.

He went inside quietly, knowing that James might be sleeping and he didn't want to wake the four-year-old from his nap.

There was a fort of blankets and pillows in the middle of the room, and Sirius smiled fondly, remembering how he and Reggie had built something like that when they were younger.

He looked inside, being sure that's where he would find his brother and James.

He was right, Regulus was sleeping, his face relaxed and calm, a nice change, right next to Regulus was the little one- no wait, James was already a normal version of himself.

What?

Oh.

Oh.

Sirius would never have thought that Regulus would be the one to make James...

Sirius left quietly, closing the door behind him.

"James is safe," he announced as he passed his worried friends in the Gryfindor common room.

He went to his room and threw himself on the bed, lost in thought.

He'd be lying if he said he didn't notice that James had a thing for his brother, and okay, at first he wanted to be offended about it, but... but seriously? He wasn't a child jealous of attention anymore.

He was only worried that Regulus might hurt him...

Emotions were difficult with Regulus and Sirius knew him, he knew it better than anyone. He also knew that James was not indifferent to Regulus, that Regulus cared about him, he noticed it but... but love? This could throw Regulus off his rhythm, scare him, and both of them would get hurt.

Oh Sirius didn't know what to do.

<<<>>>

Regulus wakes up feeling a weight on him and he doesn't remember feeling it when he fell asleep, well yes, little James fell asleep with his head on Regulus's chest but now it was much heavier than a four-year-old's head. Regulus opened his eyes lazily and almost shouted.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

No, no, no, that didn't happen, no.

Regulus fought with himself not to push James away and wake him up. His heart was beating extremely fast.

No, no, no, no, no.

Regulus needed time, damn James had to be waking up right?

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

What should he do? What should he do? Shit, he doesn't know what to do. Regulus hates not knowing what to do.

"Oh, fuck, sorry," James opens his eyes wide, suddenly very awake, and immediately pulls away from Regulus, sitting up, his head spinning and his vision blurry. What was he doing sleeping with Regulus? And why was he hugging him, Regulus didn't like touch, James should not-

"How are you feeling?" Regulus watches him with something strange, like care or worry. Deep breath, you can do it, Regulus.

"I mean," James blinks in confusion. "I'm feeling dizzy?" What happened to him? What was going on?

"We're going to Pomfrey," Regulus decides quickly, he stands up and extends his hand to James, helping him up.

Then they went to visit Poppy in her office, Regulus not letting go of James, still holding him upright in case he decided to fall.

James could have walked straight all by himself, but he was too happy to have Regulus' arm wrapped around him to argue.

"Um, would you mind checking if he's okay? I'll go get Professor Slughorn," Regulus turns to Poppy as he helps James into the hospital bed.

"Of course sweetie," Poppy nods."Oh Jamie, you gave us quite a scare," she says as she goes to get the tools. James frowns confused.

Regulus disappeared, looking for Slughorn to update him on the progress of James' case and that he could stop working on the potion.

On the way to his office, he met Marlene and informed her that James was in the hospital wing with Poppy and that he was himself now.

He was considering whether the lie that Slughorn had made the potion and it was what had helped James would be appropriate, but luckily Marlene didn't ask questions, she just went to inform the rest of her friends.

Sirius was the first in the hospital wing, and he was the first to sit down by James's bed while Poppy examined him.

As soon as James opened his eyes, Sirius rushed at him, hugging him tightly and saying something incomprehensible, his words didn't string together into sentences, but James made something like an apology out of his best friend gibberish.

Oh.

It hurt James that he already remembered, that he knew why he was here and he knew why Sirius was apologizing.

"Sirius no- please." He murmured, squeezing his friend tighter. "Nothing that happened was your fault."

"You shouldn't be the one comforting me right now, James, I'm sorry for how often I took advantage of that," Sirius sniffs, his eyes watery.

"Sirius, please stop, I'm more than happy to have helped you when you needed it." James purses his lips into a thin line, he wants to turn back time, he wants this not to happen, he doesn't want this difficult conversation, he doesn't want a sad Sirius. He doesn't want it.

"Thank you," he whispers in a broken voice and James' heart breaks.

"Sirius, don't worry about it," James begs him, don't worry about me because I can't stand it, "you're the best friend ever, I love you, do you understand?"

"Well," Sirius wipes his face and becomes slightly more serious. "James, I love you to, and that's why I'm asking you, promise me not to hide yourself when you're in pain, it's unfair that we laughed together but you cried alone," Sirius begs him.

When he thought about it... he had never seen James cry. Not truly. From the pain when he broke his arm, yes. Out of irritation when he failed at the task again and again, yes. From happiness when he laughed, yes. From emotions while reading the book, yes. But out of sadness? Because of emotions that crushed him? No, never.

"Sirius no, please no, stop, please," James shakes his head desperately. He doesn't want this.

"Processing your emotions doesn't make you weak, isn't that what you taught me, James?" Sirius takes a shaky breath, not wanting to cry again.

"I- I don't, I-," James doesn't know what to say.

"Please just tell me you'll try, that's all," Sirius pleads, James agrees, okay, he can do it, he can try. Trying is easy, he can do it.

James was afraid to go back to his room. He knew his friends would be dramatic and worried about him. Maybe they'll even be worse than Sirius...

They'll be worried about him and giving him these worried looks at every turn and he'll get irritated and cry that he's let them down and he'll feel like a problem and-

He knew this would be awkward. He didn't want this.

He's almost sure he'll go and hide from everyone until the end of the year, hoping they'll forget.

When he returns to his dorm, he expects to find all his friends there, so he has prepared a speech.

"Listen, okay?" James starts, takes a deep breath. "Even though I'm sure Regulus is like the greatest at potions, this one must have been wrong, I didn't-" James didn't think it would be so hard for him to express himself. "Maybe it was programmed for the moment when I felt MOST vulnerable or something. It must have been some mistake, because I know - I love you guys so much and I-"

"What are you talking about, James?" Marlene looks at him, surprised and shocked.

"What is this about?" Peter joins in as Sirius gives Remus a horrified look.

James stands there not understanding what they don't understand and that's when Sirius speaks up, he clears his throat awkwardly.

"Um, James, they don't know... I didn't tell them the truth, I figured you wouldn't want it and..." he chews his lips nervously and doesn't look at his friends at all.

"What truth?"

"What are these secrets?"

"What's going on here?"

"Sirius, what didn't you tell us?"

Everyone starts asking questions and the room gets noisy. James wanted to cry.

"The point is..." everyone knows there is no going back, that no one will let them go until they know the truth, so Remus starts to explain, looking at James apologetically. "That potion that infected James... that potion... from what Regulus and Slughorn said... it took James... took James back to the last time he felt vulnerable." He finally manages to let it out.

There was a terrifying silence in the room, no one dared to even breathe.

James wants to run out and slam the door but he doesn't, it's dramatic, it will only worry them more.

"Like I said," James breaks the silence hesitantly. "It must have been some mistake." He stated. "Because I know that I can be honest with you, that I can be myself, that I'm safe with you all, that I can be vulnerable. I know. I can. I know I can and I am, I am, it happens. I know I am." He lets out a shaky breath.

"James-" It's Marlene's delicate voice and James's eyes immediately water.

"I am, I am, I am, please belive me," he begs. "I am, and I feel exposed and safe s and I really am. I know that I am not tempted to hold back or hide from you, I know, I know. I know." And the fact that he didn't want to be a problem and often held back or masked himself was unimportant.

"James," Remus wants to try to calm him down but James continues.

"Sometimes, yes, it happens to me that I'm not being honest, okay, not a big deal, but it's - it's my empathy or whatever, sometimes I just know I have to hold back because something is inappropriate, right? But it's not like it's your fault. I tend to mask but it's because of my ADHD and that I don't want to burden you with it."

"But James," this time Lilly tries.

"No, no, listen." He asks, he has to explain this, panic is all over him and it's not good. "You all have plenty of reasons to be upset and sad, and I don't have them- I should be happy and I am, I am. Really." He assures.

"James, it's okay if-" Peter tries.

"Wait, okay, it's true that I'm not sharing everything with you, but hey, no one does!" James defends himself. "Sirius, you don't brag about your mother wanting to disinherit you," he points out, Sirius looks at him in shock with his mouth slightly open. "Marlene, you don't tell everyone that you're in a relationship," she what? "Remus, I doubt you brag to everyone that you're a-" James stops, suddenly realizing what a terrible thing he's done. "No, no, no, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, I'm so sorry, I, I, forgive me, I-". And James's breath disappears somewhere.

He's a terrible friend. He had just let slip the secrets that had been entrusted to him and that he had sworn not to reveal. He was the worst. He was terrible.

James's eyes are wide open, as if he was terrified, but not of what was happening to him but of what he had done.

His lungs are burning, his chest is shrinking, his body is so heavy, his heart is beating so fast... but that's nothing new.

"James, James," someone shouts through the surface, wanting his attention, so James gives it to them. Oh, it's Sirius, a faint smile falls on his lips. "You're having a panic attack, but it's okay, we'll help you, okay?"

"Yes, I- I know, it will pass, just- just give me a moment," he says calmly, his words trembling and his breath still missing, but he says it as if he's used to it, as if he's faced with it often, and maybe it's true.

Friends give each other worried looks, how much do they not know about their best friend?

"James stay with us, breathe, it's okay, just breathe," Remus crouches down next to him because Sirius can't get anything out, his throat is tight. "They can go out if you want, do you want to be left alone? James?" James denies but there are too many people, he doesn't, he can't- "Okay, okay, who do you want to stay with you? What do you need?"

These are too difficult questions for James to answer, he doesn't want to choose, he doesn't want to leave anyone out, he– he panics even more.

"Jamie, we're leaving, but we'll be back if you need it, okay? Remus will stay with you, okay? He'll help you, and when you feel better, you'll decide what you want, okay?" Marlene says calmly, as if she wasn't mad at him at all, as if she didn't hate him for what he did.

He nodded, choking on his breath.

And they left.

Remus stayed and his face is calm, his eyes are warm, his sweater is nice, his touch is tender. He's close as if he didn't hate James, as if he wasn't angry at his outburst, as if the fact that James almost revealed his biggest secret out loud didn't matter one bit.

Remus understood like no one else that things said in anger should not be held against anyone.

Remus says something and his voice is soothing and James feels better, he feels better until he remembers how and why he got here and then he goes into another attack and this goes on for a long time. It's good and then it's bad, and this happens again and again.

Remus tries to help, but when he wants to acknowledge success James gets worse again. He's not irritated though, as if he wasn't angry that James was wasting his time, as if he was grateful that he could be there for him. This strange warmth soothes James.

Time passes and it's probably already two hours later or maybe 12 minutes? He doesn't know but he closes his eyes in exhaustion. Did he faint or fall asleep? He's not sure.

Remus picks him up from the ground and carries him to his bed, covering him carefully with a warm blanket. He wonders whether to wait with James until he wakes up, but first he decides to go downstairs and tell thier friends to stop worrying.

"Hello Jamie," James hears as he opens his eyes, oh, how good, he wouldn't want to be alone right now.

"Hey Marls," he smiles gently and just begs her not to mention his accident with the potion. But he won't run away from this topic, he knows he won't. "Sorry for-"

"Girls already know, and it's not like it wasn't obvious that I'm head over heels in love with Dorcas," Marlene shrugs unconcerned. "I'm not mad," she promised.

"Yeah, okay," James nods, and for a while they just sit there in silence.

"Hey James," Marlene suddenly says, "I'm sorry I told you you looked stupid wearing your glasses when we were little," she bites her lip. "You know, now I actually think they make you look more, you know, sexy." She looks at him and winks, and James bursts into laughter.

"Oh, I love you," he says, amused, and she hugs him. "Malrene?" he asked after a moment.

"Yeah?"

"Do you really think that it influenced me that you told me I looked funny when I was five?" He raised an eybrow.
"Then I was just happy that I managed to make you laugh and see your smile."

"You're so sweet, James," Marlene smiles widely. "Oh, I'm glad it's not my fault," she sighs dramatically with relief. "But I'm sorry anyway."

"You know," James sighed. "I don't think it's anyone's fault," he confessed. "I think it's more like a trauma response to, you know, how my parents were grieving, and I was dumb and little so I promised myself then that I would never make them sad, that I would never let them be hurt and... and I guess that's how it starts."

"Oh Jamie," she hugs him tightly.

James needs some time but he will cope, he will get help from his friends, they will try to be better, they will try to understand and it will get better, it really will.

James will be truly happy one day, he will be.

It is evening when James decides to talk to his parents. Minerva gives him access to her office and lights the fireplace.

"Oh, Jamie, you have no idea how good it is to see you again," His mom smiles happily.

"It's good to have you back, son," Monty smiles too.

"I'm so sorry," That's how James starts before he goes on for fifteen minutes straight talking and talking and talking.

"Oh no Jamie, we understand." His dad assures.

"We understand why you didn't want to tell us, honey," Effie nods, "but you should never be the one to worry about our feelings more than your own," she smiles sadly.

"I just didn't want to disappoint you," James whispers.

"You would never disappoint us, no matter what you did," Monty shakes his head.

"You are the best son we could have ever dreamed of, there is nothing you could have done to make us love you one bit less." Effie assures.

"I know you love me but... but I don't want to let you down," James purses his lips.

"Oh Jamie..."

"I'm going there," Effie informs, stands up and brushes off her dress, "I'm not going to sit here while you're sitting there," she tells her son, "I just need to hug you, love," she decides.

Fleamont and Euphemia found themselves by their son's side.

They drank tea together and talked and talked and hugged and then talked a bit more. James cried a little, but that was a good thing, he thought.

He felt better. As if a stone had fallen from his heart, as if his lungs were full of air again, as if his heart had grown a little more, as if his soul was lighter.

It's Monday and no one bothered James yesterday or today, no one questioned his decision to stay in the room and not go to class, they only asked if someone should stay with him, assuring him that it was okay if he wanted to be alone.

James didn't like the fact that they were walking around him on eggshells.

He was fine.

"Um, James?" Sirius enters the dorm with an awkward smile.

"Yeah?"

"So the thing is," Sirius takes a deep breath. "Reggie is freaking out about you missing breakfast and then classes, and he's worried about how you're feeling and whether you're having any side effects after the potion or whatever. He knows you're not in the hospital wing anymore, um so, you know, he keeps bothering me with his questions and I thought maybe you could tell him that you're doing okay? Or show that hey, you're alive, I mean, you know, if you want to-" Sirius says quickly, knowing his request is stupid and he shouldn't ask James to do it.

Sirius wonders how James feels about Regulus helping him feel safe, he wonders what they talked about and what they did, he wonders.

He wonders if James knew, if he knew his emotions or if they were new to him. He wondered.

"Oh," James suddenly seemed to remember something important. Regulus.

How could he forget about it?

James left the dormitory in his red plaid pajama pants and a warm sweatshirt and sneakers, he ran to the dungeons, thinking he would find Regulus there.

Before he goes inside, he remembers how tragic he looks and makes a feeble attempt to cast a spell to make his hair straighten up just a little.

He was right, he found Regulus in his dormitory, the boy was sitting over a notebook, humming something quietly.

"James?" Regulus looked at him slightly surprised.

"Um, hey, I'm letting you know I'm fine," Jamed smiled awkwardly, "and I wanted to apologize too. You know that you took care of me and everything. Oh, Merlin, that's so ridiculous," he groaned, burying his face in his hands. "I'm sorry. I know I was so annoying as a child," James shakes his head in embarrassment, his cheeks are slightly pink and it's cute but his words are not sweet at all. "Not that much has changed," he jokes, trying to lighten the mood.

Regulus didn't laugh.

He stood up, walking towards James, stopping barely a step away from him, the toes of their shoes almost touching.

Regulus pierces his soul with his cold gaze. Oh, he had such beautiful eyes, a typical Black family mix of silver and light blue, but now in this light they were so beautiful full, as deep blue and sparkling as the stars in the night sky.

James should have been stressed, but he couldn't help how calm he felt.

"James Potter, listen to me carefully right now, is that clear?" Regulus orders, James doesn't dare to argue, he nods. "You're not annoying." Regulus speaks slowly and clearly and most importantly... he is honest.

"Well," James laughs awkwardly, "I'm not sure what I said or how much when I was... somewhere in the past, but I assure you, I exaggerated-" James assures, dismissive of his insecurities, he doesn't want to be flawed, not in the eyes of Regulus Black.

Despite everything, he wants to remain perfect.

James will try to be better, more honest, more open, he will try to be like that but... but it's difficult.

"I don't think so, James," Regulus shakes his head. "I think little you was being quite honest," he argues.

"Um, no, definitely not," James says shaking his head. He has to defend himself, he wants to take it back, he wants to undo it, he wants to be good-

"Oh, so you don't think I'm pretty?" Rogulus looks at James raising an eyebrow and smirking smugly.

"What?" James blinks painfully hard, what was Regulus talking about? He can't believe the little him would- He feels lost and confused. his words are a mess. "I mean- yeah- well- you're totally beautiful, I mean, purely objectively."

"James," Regulus smiels softly. Isn't he cute? James is just... so perfect.

Regulus acts like it wasn't yesterday that he was completely panicking, ranting to his friends that "hey, remember how I have a crush on James Potter? I think he might like me too." and "Hey, do you remember that accident with the potion? So James feels safe around me, do you think that means something?"

Regulus didn't scream and squeal, because of it. He didn't giggle or kick his feet or make cute notes in his journal, writing James' surname next to his name in pretty cursive, why?

"I still wanted to apologize," James informs "and, um, I hope you didn't blame yourself too much for what happened, it was because of my clumsiness, you know," he smiled crackedly.

Oh yeah, James had to make sure Regulus didn't feel bad that he hurt him.

"Can you listen to me for a moment?" Regulus asks and James complies. "Do with this information what you want, but I want you to know," he begins his speech with a deep breath.

"Regulus what are you-"

"I think you're brave." Regulus begins. "I think it's brave. It's so brave that you get up in the morning and even though your heart hurts and life is a mess and you're afraid and you don't feel like being kind to the world at all... I think it's brave that you remain a gentle soul, that you can still love openly. I think it's brave that you keep going, that you choose to move forward every day. I think you are strong and I think it's brave how much pain you endured to remain soft."

"I- It's - oh Merlin - I'm- Reg I-" James doesn't know what to say, his heart hurts and his eyes are watering, but it doesn't hurt, it's a nice feeling.

"Shh, you don't have to," Regulus shakes his head. "I liked the little version of you, and if little Jamie is still somewhere out there, I think we could try being..." Regulus doesn't finish, slightly surprised by what he wanted to say. Didn't he feel too brave? Regulus stop.

"Friends?" James asks excitedly. His smile so bright, so beautiful.

"Yes, James, we could start as friends." Regulus agrees with soft smile.

"Yes friends, that sounds cool." James grins. This thought fills him with incredible joy, Regulus Black wants to have something to do with him? After all this, what happened? After being the most exposed version of himself around him? He wants to be friends with him? James doesn't dream of anything more.

He's smiling and, oh Merlin, why he's so beautiful?

Beautiful people make Regulus do stupid things.

"Oh fuck it," Regulus sighs, no risk, no gain, right? "Can I kiss you?" He asks, Oh Merlin, that's brave of him.

James stares at him with shock, his eyes wide and his mouth agape. He misheard, right? Regulus didn't say what James thinks he said, did he?

This is not really happening.

This is more than anything James has ever dreamed of, this must be some sick dream. Regulus didn't say it, didn't ask, didn't want to kiss him.

James had dreamed of a moment like this for a long time. He imagined this moment, thought about the taste of Regulus' lips, the feel of them on his own, and oh– it's so wrong but so tempting...

"James, are you still with me?" Regulus asked, slightly amused.

"No," James shakes his head "I mean yeah, I am," he nods eight after. "I am and I find your question interesting." He bite his tongue smiling.

"But what is your answer to it?" Regulus raises an eyebrow, suppressing a smile.

"Yes, my answer is yes," James reports eagerly. How could he say no, right?

So they moved closer to each other and their lips met in a sweet kiss.

Oh, that's a promising start, isn't it?

<<<>>>

"I- I just wanted to-" James swallows nervously. "I wanted to talk about earlier... I mean, the thing... that you were kind of making fun of me because how excited I was about this new comic book- I, um, I don't want to overreact or anything but," he take a shaky breath "but, but it bothered me so, I wanted to let you know, so that you know and maybe, maybe, you know-"

"Oh James, sure!" Mary reacted immediately. "I'm sorry, I didn't think it was important to you. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you." She apologized.

"I know, I know you didn't mean any harm, so I, um, I just wanted to - don't worry about it, it's nothing, I just-"

"No, come on, if it bothered you, it must have been important. I'll remember James, I will never do that again." Mary holds out her hand, offering him a hug.

"I- thank you." James hugs her.

"Thank you for leting me know," she whispers.

"Sure," he nods.

"I have to go, thanks again for telling me, bye James!" She says goodbye to him.

"Bye Mary," James waved to her. "What?" He turns to look at Regulus who was staring at him.

"Nothing, I'm just proud of you." Regulus informs.

"Yeah? Why?" James smiles, showing his teeth, he's a sucker for nice words.

"Because... even if your voice was shaky and you were struggling with your words, you still spoke and I'm so proud you did." James was trying and he was getting better at allowing himself to feel emotions, at understanding himself and loving himself, and it was... it was great.

"Yeah, I'm getting better at setting my boundaries." He informs proudly, he loves receiving praise from Regulus.

"I know and I'm proud." And Regulus is perfectly aware of this.

"I think... I'm learning to love the parts of me that no one claps for." Jamss decides rather quietly.

"That's good, that's so good, I'm so glad you're trying," Regulus smiles softly.

"I love you." James grins.

"I love you too, James," was Regulus' response.

And James no longer had to wish about someone who would show him that he could be loved, his parents, friends and boyfriend proved it to him every day.

He no longer had to wish someone would let him rant about his special interests and making him feel important, Regulus shared his excitement when they talked about Quidditch, Regulus also taught him astronomy, and talked about stars in a way that James wanted to listen to him forever, dusting off James' old memories.

He no longer had to wish for someone to hug him knowing that James needs it without James asking for it, when his friends discovered how touch starved James was, they gave him their attention and closeness non-stop.

He no longer had to wish for someone to make him feel heard, he felt heard every time he asked for it, whenever he needed it.

He no longer had to wish for someone to encourage him in his dreams instead of telling him they were impossible. His parents and friends helped him improve so that one day he could fulfill his dreams.

But for now his most important dreams had been fulfilled.

Hi, It's me! Jamie, please look at me. I'm happy now, are you proud?