I’m fine
When you drown, every movement, every almost breath is to help you survive long enough to be saved. When you drown, you only take a breath right before it all goes black. When you take that breath it all stops hurting. Sometimes it’s better just to let it in so the pain can just go away.
“I’m fine” he says. But in private he’s hyperventilating. He’s panicking. He can’t even breathe. He’s drowning.
Every second. Every minute you try swim to the surface. It hurts. If you try fight that reflex. If you try stay awake a little longer. You have more time. Long enough that someone could rescue you.
“James can I talk to you?”
“Sure Sirius,”
“My mother sent me a letter, I don’t know how to feel, I feel so bad James,” he sobbed.
“Hey, it’s okay Sirius. it’s okay,” he says soothing him to sleep with his words.
No one is going to rescue him. They don’t know he’s drowning. They don’t know he’s suffocating. They don’t know. And it’s better that way. It’s like screaming. And no one can hear.
“James why don’t you ever come to me for your problems? I’m always here for you”
“I know, I just don’t have any problems.” I’m to busy worrying about everyone else. I stopped worrying about me a while ago.
So maybe water filling the lungs is the best solution. He just wants it to end but there’s only one way he knows how to end it.
He’s sorry.
James’ funeral was exactly how James felt on the inside. Sad. Empty.
Sirius was draped off of the side of the coffin. Remus holding him up. Sirius was sobbing. Sobbing. Sobbing.
“His glasses,” he cried and cried, “he can’t see without his glasses!” He was dragged away from the coffin by many hands. All with voices saying the same thing.
“Hey, it’s okay Sirius, it’s okay.”