Am I doing it right?
“Fuck! Fuck fuck fuck!” I repeat, mumbling to myself while bursting in our dorm. Why did I just leave like that? Why didn’t I just say sorry to him?!
“Oi James, what are you doing here?”
I look up and see Marlene looking in Remus his closet searching for his jumpers, which is not unusual since everyone steals Remus his jumpers.
I grab her shoulders and look her right in the eye, “Marlene, I fucked up.”
“Okay, is someone dead?”
“No?”
“Then we can fix it.”
I let myself fall on the nearest bed, which is that from Sirius. “I bumped into Regulus Black! How do we fix that?!”
“Baby Black? Sirius his brother? How are you still alive?”
“Because I ran so he didn’t have time to kill me.”
“So you ran away from him after you apologized?”
“No I didn’t apologize, that's the whole point!” I let my head fall against the bed, it lays on something soft. I turn and see it’s Remus his sweater. I know everyone steals Moony’s jumpers, but sleeping or cuddling with them is something new.
“You are fucked. Very very fucked.”
I sit straight and look at her, “Wow I didn’t notice!” I say sarcastic. “What am I gonna do now?! He is gonna kill me with those pretty hands of his!”
“First of all, keep it in your pants Potter,” I roll my eyes at her, “Second, maybe you could try to make it up with him? Maybe treat him with some firewhiskey?”
“Firewhiskey? Marlene, do you want me to be the prey of both Regulus and Sirius?”
“Okay yeah you have a point, but some butterbeer can’t hurt?”
I stand up and walk to the door, “Yeah, good idea. I have to go now but I’ll talk to him tomorrow, wish me luck!”
“Wait!”
I turn around, “What happens if Regulus kills you?” She asks.
“Then you get my broom.”
She grins at me, “You know that I love you right?”
~~~
The next morning in the dorms:
“Where is my tie?”
“On the cabinet Pete.”
“Where the fuck did my leather jacket go?”
“It is literally laying right beside you on the ground, you need glasses mate.”
“And where is my jumper Prongs?”
“In the bathroom, Rem.”
He walks in and walks right out again, “No this is my other jumper, the one that Wormtail always uses, I meant my brown one.”
“Moony, all your jumpers are brown.” Peter says.
“The one with brown and beige stripes.”
Sirius looks up, “Oh I have that one!” He grabs the jumper out his bed and throws it at Remus. Moony looks weird at it.
“I didn’t sweat in it I swear!” Padfoot says in defense.
“No it’s not that. It’s just that did you like actually, you know like did you uhm-.” He sighs, “Never mind. Thanks Pads.” Remus puts on the sweater and it is quiet for a while.
“So what are you guys thinking of doing this Saturday?” Peter breaks the silence.
“Me and Mary are on a date then so I guess we will drink some butterbeers and go to a few shops.” Sirius tells us.
I look at Remus and see his face change, “So you are gonna go out with Mary again?”
“Yeah? She is my girlfriend so of course I’m gonna go out with her.”
“Why?”
“What do you mean why?”
“Why do you wanna go out with her?”
Peter and mine eyes go from Remus to Sirius. Moony came out to us a year ago, while we were having our late night talks and out of nowhere he told it to us. Not long after Remus his confession Sirius told us he is genderfluid. Others may have said it was a weird night, or a crazy one. But it was actually very heartwarming. We talked a lot about it all and there were many group hugs. But in conclusion, we found out Remus is gay. Very gay actually because he looks jealous as fuck. But naturally Sirius has no clue this is happening, since he is the most oblivious bloke on earth.
“Because I like to hang out with her obviously?” Sirius tells us.
Now even I am confused, “Wait Pads, just because you like to hang out with her?”
“Uhm yeah I mean what other reason should I have?”
Peter says, “Well maybe that she makes you smile when she talks to you, or that she gives you butterflies when she comes close to you or that you love her and she makes your heart beat faster-“
“Yeah, yeah Pete I got it thanks.” Sirius snaps.
“Oi, no reason to snap at me! I was just pointing out the obvious.”
“I’m leaving.”
“And I’m going to Lily, I'll see you guys later.” They both storm out of the dorm, leaving Peter and I alone.
We stare at each other, we both know what the other is thinking but it feels wrong to say it out loud.
Peter talks to me slowly and very carefully, “I love Sirius so much but uhm I think that he isn’t that straight if I’m honest.”
“Yeah I mean you have to feel more than ‘I like to hang out with her’ right?” It is quiet again, then Peter just snaps, “He is literally in a closet of glass oh my god!”
“Yes exactly! I thought I was the only one seeing it! Like the jumper did you see that?! He sleeps with it and hugs it!”
“And Remus, bloody hell man please!”
“He was so jealous it was actually sad.”
“It was painful to watch. But do we do something about this all and help them figure it out?”
“Well, we can help a tiny bit but at the moment they need comfort, so we will see what we can do with Sirius and then Lily will help Remus right?”
“Let’s grab some breakfast for Sirius in the meantime, then we will look on the map and help him alright?”
“Peter, you and I are a great team!”
~~~
Me and the girls are eating breakfast in the great hall. It is toast and there are many jams to choose from.
“So, any plans for Saturday?” Marlene asks.
“Me and Sirius are gonna go on a date.” Mary says with no emotion on her face.
“Is there something going on between you two?” I ask worried.
“No not really but, also yes?" She starts to talk to us in a hushed voice, “Look, I know I’m his girlfriend okay but I don't know if he sees me as a lover you know?”
Marlene stares at her in shock, “Mary Macdonald, you two literally fuck daily and you ask if he sees you as a lover?”
“He is snogging you all the time Mary!” I join in.
She sighs, “Yeah that's the point! He is snogging me and fucking me day and night but I have no idea if he actually likes me or if he just likes kissing and shagging me!”
“I think he likes you Mary. I really do. And you two talk alot to you know.” I tell her.
“We talk like friends. We talk like fucking friends and I want it to change.” She is quiet for a while and I can see that she is thinking deeply, “I don’t think I feel the things I’m supposed to feel.” She looks so sad, it’s heartbreaking, “But I want to. I want to so bad because he is such a kind boy and he is an amazing person and he deserves it-”
Marlene grabs Mary's hand, “You deserve it too sweetheart. You deserve it just as much as he does. Maybe you could talk to him?”
“Thank you, yeah I’ll have to don’t I?” She gives us a weak laugh. “So Lily, we haven't heard about your plans?” She says to change the subject. But I go into it because it clearly looks like she doesn’t want to talk about it anymore.
“I’m going to Hogsmeade with Pandora.” I smile immediately.
“So not with James?” Mary asks.
“I don’t know, he hasn't asked me yet.”
Marlene starts talking, “James is going with baby Black.”
“Baby Black, why?”
“He ran into him, then fucking spurted away like a loser and never even said sorry to him.”
“Tell me, how is James still alive?” Mary asks.
“Because he is gonna treat Regulus on a butterbeer, that is why he is going with him to hogsmead.”
I am in total shock, “And he actually said yes?!”
“Well I don’t know about that. I guess we will see if James walks in or if we find him at the bottom of the lake ripped in pieces.”
Our conversation gets interrupted with Remus sitting down with a deep sign. We all look at him worried, “Are you okay?” Marlene asks, but he just hums in response. “There is toast, don’t you wanna make your famous Moony toast?” I tease him to cheer him up. “I’m not hungry.” Now I’m really worried, Remus John Lupin who has no hunger doesn’t exist. He is always hungry, so something is very wrong.
“Okay, get up.” I am standing from the table and waiting for Remus to do the same.
“What?”
“I said, get up. Just follow me okay?”
He does as I say and we leave the great hall. “Where are we going?” He asks.
“Somewhere where I can talk to you.”
He sighs but I ignore that. I know he hates talking about his feelings but it has to happen, otherwise he will bottle everything up and that isn’t healthy.
We walk into an empty classroom and I go sit on the ground, he follows my lead. “So, what happened between you and Sirius?”
“How do you know it was Sirius?”
“Nobody gets you worked up like that besides for Sirius.”
“We just got into a little fight, that's all.”
“Was it about Mary and him?”
“How the fuck did you know that?!”
“When you and Sirius fight it is almost always about the relationship with his partners, Remus.”
“Stop reading me this well then, because it is getting scary. But yes it was about Mary. They are gonna go out again.”
I lay my head on his shoulder, “So what is it about this all that makes you angry?”
He sighs again, but softly this time, “I don’t know, everything?”
It is so obvious that Remus likes Sirius, everyone sees it, except Remus and Sirius themself. “Oh love,” I grab his hand and rub my thumb on it in circles, “Could you explain that a bit more?”
“I just hate it that they spent so much time together you know? I love Mary so much Lily, I really do but Sirius has almost no time for us anymore. He never plans pranks with us anymore, he never just randomly bursts in our dorm and starts singing because he is always with Mary!”
“And does that bother Peter and James too?”
“I don’t know I haven't asked, why?”
“I think the problem isn’t that Peter, James and you want more time with Sirius, I think you want more time with him. Alone time.” I look up to see if he finally catched on with his feelings, but he doesn’t look any different.
“Yeah that could be it. I mean I love our quality time together and we haven’t had it in a long time. I miss him and he is my friend so of course I was crabby to him about it all, I just want my friend back.”
Friend? Now it is my time to sign.
“I’m still gonna tell him that I’m sorry when I see him ‘cause he just wants to spend time with his girlfriend and that is also totally fair of him.”
“Yeah, yeah of course. Do that.”
We are quiet for a while, just resting on each other when Remus asks, “Do you think it’s weird that Sirius cuddles and sleeps with my jumpers?”
~~~
“I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.” Peter whispers now that we are standing in the corner of the hall holding a toast and a fried egg on a plate. I look over his shoulder to help search Sirius.
“There!” Peter points at the toilets from the 6th floor. Those toilets never get used by anybody other than us when we plan pranks and we need a big space. So we walk to the 6th floor.
“How did that bastard got up to the 6th floor in the fucking morning without fainting.” Peter says.
“You know that when he is mad that he is full of energy right?”
“But that doesn’t mean I am full of energy, bloody hell.”
We get to the 6th floor and open the bathroom. “Sirius?” I try.
I hear someone shifting and sniffling, “Padfoot?”
“James?”
“Yes it’s me. Peter is also here. Is it okay if we come in?”
It is silent for a while but then, “Alright.”
We walk in and see him sitting on the ground against the wall with red eyes and a red nose from crying. Pete and I are sitting on each side of Sirius.
“Why were you crying?” Pete asks in a soft voice.
Sirius stares to the ground for a bit before answering, we all know Sirius has it also hard with talking about feelings and he hates it if people see him like that, he thinks it makes him weak. but after a while he does talk again.
“Because I screw everything up.”
“What makes you think that you screwed up?” I ask him.
“I screwed up with Remus because I’m not making time for him so of course he is mad. And I screwed up with Mary ‘cause…”
“Because you are afraid that you don’t feel that way you should feel?” I finish his sentence.
“Yeah… I don’t think I’m doing it right which kills me because I feel like I can’t get anything right. I don’t want to fight with Remus, but it happens all the time and I hate it. I want to do the relationship thing right, I wanna love right. But I have no idea how...” He starts tearing up again and both Wormtail and I shift closer to him.
“What do you feel when you think of Mary?” I ask him gently.
“She is friendly, kind, and smart. She also always helps you when you need it. She cares so much for everyone. She is very pretty and her laugh is a little funny. She has a very good sense of humor and I love her clothing style.”
Peter asks, “Now what do you think you are supposed to feel?”
“I think my heart should go faster when I see her, blush when she gets too close, maybe act a tad stupid around her. I think I should also have to think about our future, maybe not a house but just the next year or something, just looking forward to the nice life that I could have with her. Shouldn’t I also feel warm inside? Like the way I feel when I am talking with Moony by the fireplace?”
Did he not hear himself say that? I know that he probably thinks it is the fireplace that gives him that warm fuzzy feeling but the fireplace is the spot where Sirius and Remus have their deep conversations or where they cuddle up with each other and just say nothing for hours, but they look so relaxed.
Peter says, “I also think that that is what you should feel. But do you feel that Sirius?”
He is thinking about it for a while but then says, “No I don’t. I think I see her as a friend, and that I just gaslighted myself into thinking I liked her romantically because she is such a perfect person for me. But in a friend way, not as a lover.”
“That was very wise of you to say Pads.” I tell him.
“I don’t think I would have ever come to that conclusion if I didn’t have you blokes. Thank you.”
Me and Pete attack Sirius with a cuddle. “Hey! You know I love you guys but my hair!”
We laugh and wrestle a bit. Then Sirius turns into Padfoot and starts to lick us, “Sirius ieuw stop!” We laugh. Then he puts his dog nose in the air and sniffs, when he changes into a human again he asks, “Is that toast with fried egg?”
“Yeah we took some with us for you.” Peter says.
“What in the world did I do to deserve you two.” He tells us while picking up the plate and eating it.