Goodbye, Hogwarts
Sometimes you picture me
I'm walking too far ahead
You're calling to me, I can't hear
What you've said
Then you say, "go slow"
And I fall behind
The second hand unwinds
Tuesday, 20th June 1978
Mary pushes past the portrait leading into the Gryffindor common room hurriedly, ignoring the group of fifth years seated by the door who look up and stares at her with an expression that falls somewhere between annoyance and curiosity. She knows how she must look - her hair damp from the sudden rain shower. It started right after Pippa had kissed her and the rain only fell harder as she watched the other girl walk away. She hasn't bothered to cast a drying spell on her way back and her hair and robes drip as she runs back to the Gryffindor dorms. It's only then she realises that the door must have slammed behind her for her entrance to warrant such attention.
She ignores the curious eyes and climbs the stairs up to their dorm, hoping desperately that Lily and Marlene aren't there. They aren't, and the moment she lets the door shut behind her, her emotions swallow her whole, the way she'd been swallowing her tears. Now that she's finally alone, away from prying eyes, they flow freely down her cheeks and soak the collar of her robes, her tears staining the already wet clothes. She'd let herself be completely drenched by the rain earlier after Pippa had kissed her.
Pippa had kissed her.
One minute they were talking - the next, Pippa closed the distance and pressed her lips against hers. She didn't even remember what they were talking about before it happened. Mary supposed she must have let her - after all, Pippa was a little shorter than her and she could only make herself that much taller to reach Mary, and to hold a kiss like that. Mary thought that she must have leaned in because the next moment, their hands met briefly as Pippa deepened the kiss and Mary didn't pull away. Not at first. She felt the rainwater trickling on her skin and it's a realisation that brings her to her senses, making her painfully aware of her surroundings. While they were in a pretty secluded area on the grounds, Mary glanced around just to be sure that no one saw. She's not sure why she did it, maybe it was mere instinct, maybe it was a sense of shame. Her glance was brief but it was long enough for Pippa to pull away and take a step back. There's a look in her eyes as she signs.
I'm sorry.
Mary couldn't speak, or sign, for that matter. She could barely remember to breathe as the younger girl excused herself, signing, I'll go. Mary opened her mouth to speak before she realised that Pippa had already turned her back on her and wouldn't hear her anyway. She wouldn't hear her call out, telling her to stay. She wanted to move, to run to Pippa, to kiss her again, to stop her from leaving. She just wanted to do something. But her legs were unwilling, frozen in place. It felt like someone had cast Petrificus Totalus and she was just waiting to fall, bound in place by an invisible spell. But she didn't fall - she just stood there immobilised in an upright position, trapped by her own body, her feet stuck to the ground.
She must have stood there for an eternity, or maybe it was just seconds. It felt like time had frozen in place and she felt helpless. Her body took its sweet time to catch up with her mind, the latter of which felt like it was running a thousand miles a minute. As soon as she could detect the sensation in her legs coming back to her, she ran back to the common room, her hair and robes soaked by the downpour as she left a trail of water behind her. She ran as fast as she could to the Gryffindor dormitories and back to her room, before collapsing on her bed and choking on her tears.
So there she is, crying her heart out on her bed when Marlene finds her.
She's glad that it was Marlene instead of Lily. She doesn't know what she would have said if Lily had shown up and asked her what was wrong. She's happy for Lily and James, and he's the reason why she doesn't get any of it. She thinks it's okay, because she doesn't need her to understand and she hopes that he always makes her happy. It's naïve, but that's what she wants. For Lily to be blissfully happy and unaware of the rest of their struggle to find love in this world. After all, it feels like she's won the jackpot with Potter, the most popular boy in their grade who happens to also have the kindest heart. She didn't always know that. There was a time when she thought Potter and his friends were conceited and egotistic - after all, they ran around Hogwarts like they owned the place. But that's changed in the last couple of years and she knows now, having been friends with Remus first and the rest of them shortly after, that it's far from who they are. She now understands that James is the type of boy that comes around once in a blue moon, and she's so happy for her best friend so she doesn't need her to get it. Plus she has her other best friend Marlene and at least with Marlene, she understands part of it, maybe even more. Marlene's always been gentle, despite how she holds herself out in front of the rest of the world, and Mary feels safe in her arms. Safer than she's ever felt in anyone else's.
So Mary cries her heart out and Marlene's content to let her, despite her confession that she just thinks it's different when it's her. Marlene says that she gets it and that's so many unspoken words that Mary wonders how many battles Marlene's fought to get where she is. She wonders how she gets to a point where she's comfortable enough to admit to them that she's just had her heart broken by Dorcas Meadowes of all people. Mary lets Marlene hold her, one of the few people who's ever seen her vulnerable like this and by the end of it, she's no longer crying, despite thinking earlier that her tears would never dry out. It does, and she's just left with a numb feeling in her chest.
She lies in Marlene's lap, the other girl stroking her hair, and she falls asleep like that for a bit, her eyelids heavy and her heart heavier until she's awoken by the sound of the door opening. It's late evening when Lily finds her curled up like that in Marlene's lap. She tells Lily that she doesn't want to talk about it but she lets Lily lean against her as the three of them stay in her bed for a little longer. Lily and Marlene drum up casual conversation about how difficult Marlene's Care of Magical Creatures exam's went and it's comforting, to know that they're just there, even when she doesn't have anything to say or any more tears left to cry. She's also well aware of the way Lily's looking at her but she's too exhausted to do anything about it.
Later that night, she doesn't sleep. She sees Pippa's face when she closes her eyes so she opens them and stare at the wooden frame of the bed. Everything's clearer in the dark.
Mary supposes it was rather stupid of her for not realising it sooner. They'd begun to spend a lot of time together this year. Pippa's a year behind her so they don't have any classes together - yet they always seemed to find themselves in each other's path one way or another. Marlene's been disappearing a lot this year and Mary now knows it was probably because of Meadowes. Lily's head over heels for James and she knows realistically that that's what a relationship's supposed to be like, even though she misses having her closest friends around. While the three of them have their fun in their room during the evenings or after curfew, she's had way too much free time on her hands to be spending them alone.
So she keeps busy. She goes on a few Hogsmeade dates with the remainder of Hogwarts' eligible bachelors and snogs a few more in secluded broom closets around the castle. To be fair, it's their seventh year and there aren't a lot of people left without emotional entanglements one way or another. She's not looking for forever anyway but it makes her think that as fun as snogging is, she thinks she'd rather be spending the time with her friends than wasting her precious time on these so-called flings. It never goes anywhere anyway so she breaks a few hearts and went - to quidditch practices to watch Marlene and James practice. To the library to study with Remus and joins his study group. To spend time with Lily, who coincidentally also wants to watch her boyfriend play quidditch. She watches as Pippa barely keeps her hands on her broom as she flies, as if she doesn't need it, zipping through the air at impossible speeds seemingly at one with her broom.
Mary also watches as Pippa and James converse in their "secret language" and decides that she wants to learn. She convinces herself that it's because Pippa's right, when she says that there aren't enough healers who know sign language and that if she's serious about being one, it could be a useful skill. It certainly isn't because the girl with the pretty eyes and gorgeous smile's willing to be her own personal tutor. It certainly isn't because she wants to get to know her better. After all, Mary's decided that she's wanted to be healer for a while now, and she's made sure that her grades in Potions, Transfiguration, Herbology, Charms, and Defence Against the Dark Arts were top notch so she could go on to study them at NEWT-level. So she thinks, what's a little more effort, in trying to become a better healer? What's the harm in learning something new?
She quickly realises that she enjoys the other girl's company a lot - it wasn't awkward in the silent moments, and Pippa seems to be patient with her. Much more patient than she is with Marlene or Ewan, where there's a lot more comfortable banter, at least when Marlene knows the signs. She picks up bits and pieces of BSL from watching Pippa communicate with James and Benjy and the other players on the team on and off the field. She starts asking Pippa the meaning of different signs as they walk back to their common rooms or on the way to the Great Hall for their meals. Eventually, they started spending time together outside of their friend group, and Mary realises that Pippa's kind too and that she has a smile that makes Mary feel warm inside.
She realises Pippa's observant as well when she picks up the little things, like the way she always makes sure to save some black pudding when the house elves serve it on the mornings before a match. It's Benjy's favourite food and he always insists on sleeping until the last possible second and it always runs out by the time he arrives at the breakfast table. Potter is the opposite, waking up at the crack of dawn with all that nervous energy and Pippa has to remind him to eat something. It's the way she knows how to convince Potter when one of his plays probably won't work out on the pitch and knows how to be convincing without being condescending. She watches as it takes one look between them to know what the other's thinking, and how that plays out in their games, and she kind of wishes she could do that with Pippa - communicate with their eyes. She sees how Ewan's protective of her, and she thinks that the other boy might have a crush on her and she thinks Pippa doesn't reciprocate it but she's kind enough to him that it doesn't put a wedge in their friendship. She watches as Pippa puts a smile on Marlene's face when she's in one of her moods - something even Mary or Lily haven't managed to master after years of being her friends. Marlene doesn't even understand half of what Pippa's signing sometimes when she goes too quickly yet she finds a way to drag her out of it. Mary thinks that there's something about Pippa that's just electric. It's infectious and she doesn't know how to describe how that makes her feel.
So Mary's convinced herself that she simply wanted to be Pippa's friend, but she supposes her body thinks differently because she kissed her back. But that doesn't make sense. She's always liked boys, and she even briefly fancied Sirius Black during third year - after he had that growth spurt and his voice dropped. She's been with enough guys to know that she likes it, the ones that do it for her anyway, or perhaps she liked it. Had it all been a lie?
It really didn't make a difference, when Marlene had come out to her and Lily. She promised Marlene that it didn't, and it felt like she was being a hypocrite when she feels like she just wishes Pippa hadn't kissed her. Right now, she would give anything to just undo that kiss so that they could go back to being friends like they were. What was the point of fucking it all up? It wasn't like they could do anything about it even if they wanted to - Mary was leaving Hogwarts in a month and Pippa still had a year to go. Mary had wanted to stay friends with her after graduating, but she's not sure what that means now, staying in touch. She's not sure how they go on.
Now, she can't do anything but think about what it would be to taste her lips again.
Part of her's mad at Pippa for doing this during her NEWTs. She'd been so focused on her studies and she just wanted to take a break after her Astrology exam and before her Defence Against the Dark Arts exam on Friday. Pippa asked her if she wanted to go on a walk to clear her head and truth is, she does enjoys spending time with Pippa so she said yes. She just wanted a breath of fresh air.
If only she hadn't.
She doesn't know which part she hates more. She doesn't know whether she hates the part of her that feels like she's being a hypocrite - after all, she genuinely had no qualms about Marlene being queer. Sure, it came as a shock and after the initial wave of it, Mary knows that there's probably not a thing that Marlene or Lily could say or do that would make her love them any less. She was so mad when they told her they were planning to join the secret organisation that Potter's parents were part of, when in reality she realises she was just overwhelmed with sadness and hatred. Hatred for the war and what it was doing to her friends. Maybe the gravity of it hasn't sunk it yet, considering they were still protected by the walls of Hogwarts. But Mary could never stay mad at them, regardless of the choices they make. Lately, she finds herself constantly wishing things were different, so desperately it hurts her physically. But she loves them unconditionally and Marlene liking girls doesn't change things. Her liking Pippa does.
She hates herself for thinking that she wishes Pippa would have just resisted the urge. She hates herself for thinking that she just wishes Pippa were stronger. She hates herself for being a coward. She hates herself for wishing that Pippa hadn't dragged her into this dangerous territory and she hates herself most for actually feeling something during that kiss. Not everyone can be as brave as Sirius and Remus are, or how Marlene's with Dorcas. She understands how dangerous it is for them and she's not sure if it's illegal in the wizarding world. She knows it was before, in the muggle world, and maybe wizards haven't even caught up with the times yet. Yet, they're willing to risk it - Mary isn't. What's the point in being brave when there are forces in play that are far too powerful for a few defiant kisses to fix? It's not like being brave changes anything. It just makes you target practice, and she's had enough of that to last a lifetime. She's tired of being easy prey.
It's also that she really does consider Pippa a friend. She doesn't want to lose Pippa and she's not sure how they go on being friends after this. If she's not able to reciprocate Pippa's feelings, she leaves. If she's able to, well, even then, they're doomed from the start. She leaves anyway and Mary's left with nothing but heartbreak and guilt.
She thinks back on the sparkle in Pippa's eyes every time she laughs out loud, and the way her heart flutters every time she sees Pippa in her quidditch robes, sweat dripping on her skin after a practice. She thinks of how her heart skips a beat when Pippa gets one of those close calls when they're in a match, especially when they're against Slytherin and Ewan has to swing a few bludgers at the players playing dirty to keep them from targeting Pippa. She thinks of the look on her face that resembles pure joy when she catches the snitch and wins a game. She thinks of that smile on her face and how it's contagious even from her view from the stands. She thinks of the way Pippa scrunches her face when she's concentrating too hard at the library, and the way she always hesitates to ask when she doesn't get something in her textbook even though Mary's told her plenty of times that it's always okay to ask for help and Pippa apologies for not being able to help out when Mary needs it because she's a year ahead. She convinced Pippa that it's okay to ask for help when she needs it. After all, isn't that's what friends are for?
She's wanted to be Pippa's friend, that's all. But maybe they never truly were and maybe Pippa never saw her as one. Maybe she led her on, spending all that time together and maybe this was her penance for not truly accepting Marlene's sexuality - because she's okay with her best friend being queer, she's just not okay with the smallest indication that she might be. She imagines what her parents would say if they ever found out, the way Eli would look at her if he knew and what sort of role model she would be to Georgie once she learns. Would they kick her out? Would they even let her pack her bags? Would they be scared of her? She was already different enough from the rest of her family. Maybe they'd think it was easier if she just left them alone instead of letting her corrupt young and impressionable Georgie. After all, she already had her own world that was separate from theirs and she doesn't want to give them one more reason to watch her leave.
She only cries harder at that thought. She hopes that the Muffliato she cast earlier is still holding up because she can't escape the sobs that come out of her mouth. She wants to scream into her pillow and she wants a time turner so that she can go back, just a day, so none of this happens. She wants to be brave like Remus, and Sirius and Marlene but most of all, she wants to not feel this way. She wants to not feel regret for leading Pippa on and she wants to not feel that maybe it's mutual and no one led anyone on.
She lets herself cry into her pillow until it feels like she's all cried out. She thinks that if her chest gets any more tighter she'll die and she sees the morning light seep through the crack of the curtains. She rolls on her side and decides that she's only allowed to feel sorry for herself for one night. She'll talk to Pippa later, after exams are over. It's not fair to her but she convinces herself that it also wasn't fair of Pippa to do this in the middle of her fucking NEWTs. So she pushes it down and closes her eyes, knowing that she'll probably wake with a splitting headache later that day.
Friday, 30th June 1978
In the end, Mary never does gets to talk to Pippa. It's late afternoon when she starts looking for her before the Marauders' final bash later that night. She'd let herself sleep in and went down to the Great Hall for lunch with her friends. They stay there for ages and she returns to the common room to find a few of Pippa's classmates at one corner without Pippa. They tell her in vague terms that she's gone home early and Mary barges into McGonagall's office asking where the other girl went. While exams were over, school wasn't, technically. She watches as McGonagall's face change from the initial annoyance to showing concern as she realises it's Mary that's been knocking and Mary learns that Pippa's left right after exams because of some family emergency.
McGonagall summons her into her office and Mary stands there, arms crossed, waiting for an explanation. McGonagall explains briefly then reaches into her desk and hands Mary a letter, saying that Pippa left that to McGonagall to pass on to her. Mary frowns at first, wondering if she's meant to explain why she's so bothered by the other girl's absence when the professor lays a hand on her shoulders, congratulating her on finishing her studies and telling her to have fun. She sees the glint in the professor's eyes as if it's a reference to the party Black and his friends were throwing tonight, and while it was supposed to be on the down low, she supposes after seven years of watching the Marauders throw parties left and right, she's okay with one final hurrah. One more couldn't hurt, could it?
So Mary thanks the professor for the letter and for a moment, she even wants to hug the professor. She bites her lips and nods at at the professor, the words hanging on her tongue and hoping that McGonagall knows that she wouldn't have survived these seven years without her. She thinks back on all the times she's come to McGonagall with one problem or another, and the professor has always been patient with her, knowing that there's so much she doesn't know about this world being muggle-born. There's so much she wants to say but can't, so she just says another thank you and closes the door behind her, making her way back to the dorms, the letter clutched in her hands.
***
"I'm coming down in a minute!"
Marlene yells at Lily from the bathroom as the red-haired girl opens the door to their room yet again. She'd been running back and forth between trying to stop the Marauders from overdoing it for the party with the decorations in the common room. She's mostly been trying to stop them, meaning Black and Potter, from enchanting every single inanimate object to sing the Marauders' praises when someone passes by. She'd given up on trying to stop Black and Potter from spiking the punch with more alcohol when they started to rope Lupin to join their crusade and changed her tactic to trying to make sure that the younger students steered cleared of the punch that was more alcohol than fruit juice.
Lily tuts and gives a knowing smile to Mary, who was sat on the floor next to her bed pretending to go through her trunk looking for something she'd packed.
"You go on, I'll be down soon."
Truth was, she was waiting for Marlene and Lily to be at the party so she could read Pippa's letter in peace. When she arrived back in the Gryffindor common room after visiting McGonagall's office, she'd been roped by her friends to settle a bet between Peter and Sirius and she ended up on the couch next to Marlene, the letter stuffed in the pocket of her robes, itching to be read. The marauders had just finished pulling off their final prank and they were high from all the excitement. The entirety of the Gryffindor common room was, to be honest.
In the midst of all her own drama and putting a 150% into her exams, she'd completely forgotten that the girl besides her was nursing a broken heart and while she didn't completely understand her reasons for trusting Dorcas Meadowes of all people, she knows Marlene well enough to know that she's pretending that she's not hurting. She thinks Marlene probably did all the same things she did, utilising distractions as coping mechanisms and it was easy, when they were still bombarded with the stress of their final exams. But now, all that was behind them and they had the rest of their lives to look forward to. It was daunting, to say the least. She supposed she could have just excused herself and went back to their room any time. But it was their second last day at Hogwarts and she wasn't about to spend the afternoon holed up in her room and the truth was, she'd also been holding off on reading the letter. She never liked unknowns and she wasn't sure what the letter was going to say, let alone how it was going to make her feel. So she put it off and eventually and reminisced with her friends, laughing until they cried tears of joy at some of the Marauders' more exciting conquests. Eventually, the three girls went back to their room to get ready and left the Marauders to "marauding" (Potter's words, not hers).
Marlene pops her head out of the bathroom. "You know, you don't have to wait for me. I'll meet you downstairs in a minute."
Mary sat there on the edge of her bed, holding the envelope in her hand which she'd stuffed under the pillow while they were getting ready. She looks up at Marlene, eyes shimmering. Once her eyes meet Marlene's, the other girl walks out of the bathroom and sits down next to her, placing a comforting hand on her knee.
"Hey, is everything okay?" Marlene's voice is soft. Too soft, Mary thinks it could break her.
"Pippa left me a letter." Her hands shakes as she places the unopened envelope on her lap, the corner of it scratching Marlene's hand a bit as the other girl pulls away instinctively. "Sorry." Mary sniffs.
Marlene shakes her head and leans her head against Mary's shoulder. Mary wipes a tear from her cheeks as she leans back against Marlene's head.
"You're gonna be alright, love. Regardless." Marlene's voice is hushed, and Mary's not sure whether the other girl is trying to convince her or whether it's something Marlene needs to hear as well. She knows that there's a lot of truth to what Marlene's saying, but she also knows that she'll only be able to feel that way once she moves on from whatever feelings she's been harbouring for Pippa. Who would have thought that both of them would end their final days at Hogwarts heartbroken, albeit in different ways. Mary's better at opening up and sharing her thoughts but Marlene wears her heart on her sleeve even if she doesn't tell a single soul how she feels. So even though Marlene doesn't talk about whatever it is that happened with Dorcas much, Mary knows she must still be hurting because she knows the way Marlene falls. Mary knows the way Marlene cares and she knows the way Marlene breaks.
"Do you want to be alone?" Marlene nudges at her neck.
Mary shakes her head. "But I want to read the letter before we head down." Mary explains. She's not sure why, but she thinks maybe it's because if it breaks her, she can get absolutely plastered off of the firewhisky she knows Black definitely brought. If it didn't, she'll still drink because it's a cause for celebration. She's still not sure how seven years manage to flash by like that.
Mary sits up straight to look at Marls, eyes blinking so the tears don't fall. It takes one look for Marls to understand as she stands up. "I'll finish getting ready for the party but just yell if you need me. Or just come in." Marlene heads to the bathroom, not bothering to close the door. Mary's bed's just out of sight from the bathroom and she leans against the bedframe as she opens the sealed envelope.
Dear Mary,
I'm sorry I couldn't get to say goodbye to you in person. My dad's health took a turn for the worst and I wanted to get home as soon as possible in case there wasn't any time left. They say he's got a month tops anyway so it's just a matter of time now. I wish I could have gotten to say goodbye but I hope you understand. I'll probably leave this letter with McGonagall if I don't get a chance to pop by the owlery before leaving.
I just wanted to say happy graduation and have fun at that party Potter and his friends are definitely not planning. Say goodbye to him for me as well and tell him he's been an okay captain, and that I won't miss the morning drills. It won't be the same without him and Marlene and Benjy next year, and I'm not sure we'll ever have a better team than this. Tell Marlene goodbye for me as well and tell her I'll miss her A+ effort in learning BSL and her grumpiness in the mornings. Things are going to be so much different next year and it'll probably be less dull without you lot around mucking around.
Thank you for making my sixth year memorable. You know this already but I've never really had a lot of friends outside of the quidditch team. You're the first person who learned BSL not out of necessity and I'm glad you did, because otherwise, how would I have gotten to know the one and only Mary Macdonald? You're a rare one, and I'm forever grateful and glad to be able to call you my friend.
I'm sorry I fucked things up at the end. Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure that I'm sorry that I kissed you. I've wanted to for a while, to be honest, and I'm glad I did so I never have to wonder what it would be like to. I am sorry that I probably fucked things up in terms of our friendship, since it's obvious that you don't feel the same. It's okay, it really is, and I don't blame you. At least now I know where we stand, and I really do hope we can stay friends, if you still want to after this.
So, I hope we can stay in touch. I probably won't be reachable this summer but if you ever get a chance next year, come pop by Hogsmeade and we can meet up for a butterbeer. Or maybe we can meet up after I've graduated. You're going to be a great healer, that's one thing I know for sure. I know you'll miss Hogwarts, and I'll miss Hogwarts with you around. You're going to do great things out there I just know it and I'll get to say I've known her since her Hogwarts days.
So it's goodbye for now, and I hope I'll see you again.
Have a great summer.
Love, Pippa
Mary bites her lip to stop herself from crying. She misses Pippa in a way that feels strange and unfamiliar. She knows how to miss someone that she's been in love with, or the version of it that she thought she knew when she was fifteen. She knows how to miss someone who's no longer around, that she'll only get to see again at the end of the line when her time comes. She knows how to miss someone she loves and hates with all her might, someone who broke her heart by tearing it out and stomping on it and left her to pick up the pieces. But what she doesn't know is how to miss this, something that might have been, should have been, could have been, only if the circumstances were different. She doesn't know how to miss someone like Pippa. She doesn't know how to miss Pippa.
Marlene comes out of the bathroom as she's done reading the letter and sits next to her soundlessly. Marlene's finished getting ready for the party and she looks gorgeous. Mary thinks she probably looks a mess. They sit like that for a bit and Mary tries to get a hold of her emotions. When Marlene squeezes her shoulder reassuringly and asks if she wants to write her back, Mary shakes her head. She'll write her back later, when she gets home. She's pretty sure they'll all crash by the time they're on the Hogwarts express tomorrow and then she'll sleep off the hangover at her parents' house. Maybe it wasn't the best idea to host their farewell party the night before they were due to leave, but Herbology had been the last exam this morning on account of the fact that the Bubotuber pus hadn't been ready to be extracted. So, that only left Friday for their end of year party and a little inconvenience and a lack of a good night's sleep wasn't enough deterrence. It's not like they'll get another chance like this once they've graduated.
Mary has plans with Marlene to move into her brother's flat in London, that is, if she's able to get into that St Mungo's apprenticeship, which she landed in May and is conditional on her NEWTs results. She supposes they'll probably move in by August, if it starts in September. Marlene doesn't have any idea what she wants to do yet but they have the rest of their lives to figure it out and she's secretly hoping Marlene has other plans than "joining the war". But that was the future and she tries to push that thought out of her mind. After all, it's their last night at Hogwarts.
Marlene stands up and sticks out her hand. Mary smiles and grabs it and lets the other girl lead her downstairs for their farewell party at Hogwarts.