Remus is tired. No exhausted. No sick. He is at the end of his fucking tether and he is not going to put up with this shit any more.
His lover and his friend both gawp at him in shock, and only then does he realise that he had said that out loud. And that it is true.
‘It is quite clear that neither of you can let go of your hatred for each other. But I cannot live like this any more. Neither can I choose between you. I won’t. There is only one option left. Neither of you can have me.’
It is only his anger at both of them for forcing him into this position that allows him to walk away, with his heart breaking. Well actually his heart is already broken. That is the problem.
*
Sirius knows that Remus will come around. He always does. He’ll be angry for a while, but eventually he will forgive his old friend and everything will go back to normal. No introspection required. No being nice to Snivellus required.
The only problem is Snape himself.
*
Severus is sure that Remus had been quite sincere. He’d known he would fuck it up at some point. Even as he’d allowed himself cautiously to edge closer to Lupin, to enjoy a little affection, he had known he would end up getting hurt and cast aside. Because Severus ruins everything he touches. Everything which isn’t a cold, heavy bottomed lump of cast iron.
The odd thing is that once Remus finally had snapped and walked away, he found that he couldn’t accept it. Despite his attempts to keep things purely physical, Severus had become attached to Lupin, to the extent that his entire chest feels as though it has caved in. The even more surprising thing is that Severus finds he is willing to do anything to get him back. Even if that means burying the hatchet with Black. With and not in being the unfortunate, but operative word.
*
Snape just won’t bloody leave him alone. The only advantage of Moony having stormed off in a huff should have been that Sirius no longer had to deal with the greasy bastard, but instead, every day like clockwork Snape comes banging on his door, demanding to be let in.
Snivy doesn’t exactly try to play nice. He is still the same snarky, abrasive arsehole as always – but Sirius can respect that, in a way. You certainly couldn’t call the man two faced. But he comes by every day at 5pm without fail, barging his way in with a flurry of insults, demanding Sirius listen to precisely all the ways in which he had personally ruined Snape’s life, then insisting that if Sirius didn’t agree to be civil – for Remus’ sake – he will personally make Sirius’ life a living hell for the rest of his days.
At first Sirius just shouts back. They come to blows a few times. But eventually some of the words inevitably creep into his consciousness, and Sirius starts to listen. Then weirdly begins to feel a bit bad for the bloke. And – Merlin forbid – guilty. That revelation had come after a bottle of whiskey shared as they both sat panting and bloody on the kitchen floor.
Perhaps even more surprisingly, Snape starts to listen to him. Sirius finds that out of everyone he’d ever told about his childhood, Snape seems to understand the most. Which makes sense really, now that he knows about Severus’ equally unhappy childhood.
*
Remus is tired. No, exhausted. No, sad. There is an ever present ache in his heart, which refuses to go away. Every day he goes round in circles in his head about what he could have done differently.
Quite often he thinks that he probably could have “chosen” Severus, and that eventually Sirius would have gotten over it and come around. But that would not have been a very healthy start to a relationship. And if he was going to have a relationship with Severus – a proper one that was more than just fucking three nights a week and hoping that he didn’t say or do anything to frighten his lover away – it needed to have a healthy start.
Throwing aside his best friend certainly would have made for a grand gesture, and in some ways a very meaningful one. Remus is very aware of all the ways in which Sirius has wronged Severus, and owes him more than an apology. But he is also aware that their animosity goes far beyond the origins of who had done what to whom.
But it would have created an imbalance in their relationship. Would Remus have resented it? Would Severus have started to demand that Remus drop other friends whom he did not like?
Being with Severus had been, for want of a better word, glorious. Hard work, but glorious. Remus had seen flashes of vulnerability behind that prickly exterior, when they were alone in bed together. Severus is like a bramble bush, inadvertently scratching anyone who gets too close; but oh those sweet dark fruits when one does get to them! Remus had wanted to guzzle down every single one, and he is quite used to getting his hands scratched.
He sighs and tips his cold tea down the sink. No. Allowing Severus to scratch him to shreds would not have done either of them any good. Severus needs to learn how to retract his claws. Remus only wishes that it could have been he who helped him learn.
Suddenly there is a knock on the front door of his cottage. He is not expecting any guests (even Harry doesn’t visit very often) and the place is too remote for anyone to be simply “passing by.”
The sight which greets him when he opens the door is perhaps the most unexpected thing he could have imagined.
Severus is standing there in a most uncomfortable looking (but rather dashing) black velvet suit. And next to him Sirius is shifting nervously from foot to foot with a huge grin on his face and a large bouquet of flowers in his arms.
‘Well, go on then,’ Sirius mutters, elbowing Severus, who surprisingly hardly glances at him, and does not hex him to oblivion.
Severus clears his throat, a flush of pink sitting high on his sharp cheekbones. Then he drops to one knee and holds out a small red velvet box.
‘Remus Lupin. Will you marry me?’
Remus stares wide eyed and slack jawed. He presses his fingernails into his palm to check he isn’t dreaming. A few seconds tick by in uncomfortable silence.
‘It was his idea,’ Severus snaps, closing the box, standing up, and scowling heavily at Sirius. ‘Stupid, idiotic plan. I don’t know why I let you talk me into it. Stupid mutt.’
‘You’re the one who said you couldn’t live without him!’ Sirius retorts. ‘And you haven’t given him a chance to answer yet.’
‘Well, obviously he’s going to say no! Of all the ridiculous Gryffindor nonsense. Thanks for nothing,’ Severus huffs. Then he continues to mutter (probably very rude) things under his breath as he turns to walk away.
‘Wait!’ Remus exclaims. ‘Severus is right. I mean, no, he’s wrong… I mean.’ Remus takes a deep breath, trying to get over the shock and organise his thoughts. ‘I’m not exactly saying no, Severus. But I’m not saying yes either.’ His chest tightens as he imagines the pain in Severus’ eyes. ‘Not yet.’
Severus pauses and cautiously turns back.
‘Severus, I love you. And I want to be with you. Can that be enough for now?’
‘You… you do?’ Severus’ voice is barely above a whisper, that rare vulnerability showing itself like a gleaming vein of gold running through roughly hewn rock.
‘He wouldn’t buy you flowers, so I brought them instead,’ Sirius announces, dispelling the tension and shaking the pink peonies in Remus’ direction. ‘Sorry, Moony.’ He smiles, looking up at him with those puppy dog eyes.
‘That’s alright, Pads.’ Remus smiles back, and they grip each other’s arms in a half-hug.
‘Sorry and a bunch of flowers?!’ Severus bites out. ‘That’s all he has to do? I’ve spent months trying to befriend the fucking arsehole. In order to respect your wishes. To prove to you that I…’ His tirade is cut short by Remus’ warm lips enveloping his mouth, his voice muffled into a whimper.
‘That you love me too?’ Remus smiles, pulling back slightly, but keeping his rough hand on Severus’ jaw, stroking it gently.
‘Well. Yes. Obviously,’ Severus mutters tersely.
‘Hold onto that ring for me.’ Remus whispers, and Severus nods. ‘Would you like to come in?’
Severus nods again.
‘Stay.’ Severus glares back at Sirius as he follows his lover into the cottage.
Sirius sighs, then grimaces at the thought of what might be going on behind the door – which had been promptly shut in his face – and hurries away. He’ll catch up with Remus later. Hopefully without having to learn any of the gory details. Maybe they can even have a drink together, the three of them. Turns out Snape’s not so bad after all.
*
Remus is tired. No exhausted. No sated. Completely and entirely relaxed and extremely contented. He holds Severus’ naked, sweaty body in his arms and grins at the ceiling. Somehow he’s got what he wanted after all. And all it had taken was to be prepared to give it all up – but now those months of heartache and pining all seem very far away and insignificant all of a sudden.
*
The wedding takes place the following spring. Sirius is run off his feet trying to organise two bachelor parties and a wedding, but Snape only punches him in the face once. And to be fair he had deserved that because leaving Remus tied naked to a lamp post in the middle of nowhere the night before the wedding had probably not actually been that funny of a prank, now that he thinks about it.
Luckily Harry had managed to find him in time, and Remus and Severus exchange their vows in front of a small crowd of friends, and tolerated acquaintances. There is not a dry eye in the house.
~FIN~