I like it all
When Sirius had tried to return Marlene’s clothes, the stairs had decided not to let him up this time. He couldn't help but wonder if that had anything to do with the fact that he wasn't feeling like a girl that day. He stuffed all the clothes into a bag and kept it under his bed until he could figure out how to give it back to Marlene.
Marlene wasn't unaware of the clothes missing from her wardrobe. At breakfast, she questioned the other girls to see if anyone knew anything about it. Nobody did. Sirius didn't mention that he knew. It didn't matter though, because it didn't take Marlene long to figure out who was behind her missing clothes.
She approached Sirius with an irritated look and he knew he should come up with a lie quickly if he wanted to survive this interaction.
“Sirius,” she said sharply, eyeing him up and down. “You may have heard that a bunch of my clothes have gone missing, and that shirt you're wearing looks rather familiar.” She brought her face close to his. “Know anything about it?”
“No,” Sirius answered quickly.
“Hmm.” Marlene eyed him suspiciously but drew back. “So, that shirt is yours?”
“Yeah, it's new.”
Sirius didn't really want to explain to Marlene why he'd taken her clothes, or how he was able to get in her room.
“New, huh?” Marlene crossed her arms. “And where exactly did you get it?”
Sirius glanced around the room nervously. He tried to come up with some lie, something else to say besides revealing he had been stealing her clothes. But he couldn't resist the powers of Marlene’s intense glare.
“Fine, I took your clothes,” he admitted. “But I had good reason.”
“I knew it!” She pointed a finger in his face. “What's the reason then, hmm?”
“Well,” Sirius hesitated. Reason, he needed a reason. Other than the real reason, of course. “Your clothes are just so much cooler than mine,” he said.
Marlene stared at him for a moment, like she hadn't been expecting that answer. Or she hadn't expected Sirius to confess that easily.
“Well, that's true,” Marlene agreed. “You could've just asked. How'd you get into my room anyway?”
“Would you have let me if I asked?” Sirius asked, dodging her question.
Marlene shrugged. “Sure, but I won't let you if you keep taking my things without asking.”
“Noted,” Sirius smiled.
“If you want we could always go shopping together,” she suggested. “I'll help you pick out some clothes since I do have such impeccable taste.”
“Really? Would you? I mean, could we?” Sirius did actually love Marlene’s style. It was similar to his own but more girly.
“Yeah, we can. Now give me my stuff back.”
“Right, sorry,” Sirius chuckled. He fetched Marlene’s clothes for her, handing them over.
Sirius was excited to go shopping with Marlene. He could buy whatever clothes he wanted, even women's clothes, under the pretense that it was because they were cool.
After the first time, Marlene and Sirius made a regular habit of shopping together. Marlene chose cute items for Sirius and helped him put outfits together. They even found him a pair of heeled boots. Sometimes, Sirius found himself lingering over a section of skirts, something Marlene noticed too.
“Do you want a skirt?” she asked. “That's punk rock, isn't it?”
“Yeah,” Sirius replied absentmindedly, fiddling with the hem of a skirt. “Maybe not for me though.” He didn't think he was ready for that yet.
Marlene didn't say anything more, which Sirius was thankful for. Marlene was always very chill and accepting of things. She definitely wouldn't care if Sirius wore a skirt. She probably wouldn't even bat an eye if he explained his whole weird situation to her. But that was a conversation for another time. Preferably never.
***
Regulus leafed through the pages of his new book ‘Gender, Sexuality, and Sexual Orientation: A Guide’ that he'd bought at a bookstore he and Dorcas had gone to last week. It was more informative than anything he'd ever read and he wished he'd had something like this when he was younger. It would've saved a lot of trouble. There was a whole section in the book about asexuality, and demisexuality, and other things Regulus had never even heard of.
Regulus was currently reading the ‘Genderfluid’ section. Genderfluid is a non-fixed gender identity that can shift and fluctuate over time or depending on the person's situation, and feelings, or they can express aspects of more than one gender at the same time. It was all very interesting.
Regulus thought Sirius might like to read this. He wondered if he already knew about being genderfluid. Sirius did express interest in feminine things, he always had, but that didn't necessarily mean anything. Sirius just seemed like he'd like something like this.
At least it might give him a little assurance. It hadn't gone unnoticed by Regulus that Sirius had started wearing makeup and abruptly stopped after people made fun of him. Regulus had heard his own housemates whispering cruel words about his brother. Sirius was never one to let other people get to him, but still, Regulus hoped he was okay.
It was a bit funny to think about, Sirius liking things traditionally made for girls. Regulus had always had an abundance of those things, dresses, jewels, hair ribbons, and tea parties, but he wanted nothing more than to be like Sirius, wearing trousers, riding horses and climbing trees. Regulus did enjoy sitting quietly painting and reading poetry, but it was mostly about the fact that he wasn't allowed to do other things that he didn't like.
“What are you reading?” Evan asked, propping his foot on Regulus’s chair.
“His gay book,” Barty replied, leaning across the table to peer at the book.
“Gender fluid,” Evan read aloud. “What's gender fluid?”
“It's what's inside all of us,” Barty said. “It's the fluid that our bodies run on. They're gender specific because everything just has to be divided by gender in this world.” Barty shook his head at the unfairness of the thing he'd just made up.
“Sounds gross.”
Barty nodded seriously.
“It's not gross, you nitwits,” Regulus retorted. “That's not what it means.”
“What does it mean then?” Evan asked.
“Genderfluid means a person embraces an adaptable nature to the concept of gender identity and expression,” Regulus explained. “They can be one gender, multiple genders, or no gender, and it can vary over time.”
Barty and Evan stared at him blankly and he wondered if they understood any of that. Probably not.
“That's cool,” Evan said. “Are you gender fluid?”
“No-”
“What if I was genderfluid?” Barty interrupted him.
“Does that mean you'd be a girl sometimes?” Evan asked.
Barty nodded, moving his eyebrows suggestively.
“Then I'd have to break up with you 'cause I don't like girls.”
“You'd break up with me?” Barty gasped.
“If I turned into a girl, would you break up with me?”
“No,” Barty cried. “I would turn straight for you.”
“Barty,” Evan gasped softly, pressing his hand to his chest. “You’d turn straight for me?”
“You can both go 𝘴𝘵𝘳𝘢𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 to hell,” Regulus said, shutting his book. He slipped the book into his bag and walked away.
“Where are you going?” Evan called after him.
Regulus didn't answer. He was going to find Sirius and show him his book.
He found Sirius sitting in a corridor, tying his shoes. Regulus stood behind him, waiting for him to finish so they could talk. Sirius made quick work of his laces and stood up, turning on his heel in Regulus’s direction. He let out a terrified yelp when he saw his brother standing behind him.
“What are you doing?” he gasped. “You can't ever be normal and just say hi?”
Regulus shrugged. He pulled the book out of his bag, offering it to Sirius.
Sirius was still going on about Regulus’s lack of social normalcy. “Hi, Sirius, nice to see you, here's your ancient text.” Sirius took the heavy book from Regulus’s hands.
“What is this?” he asked. “It's, like, bigger than you.”
Sirius read the front of the book. He gave Regulus a questioning look.
“There's a part I thought you'd like to read,” Regulus explained. He flipped through the pages to the section he'd been reading earlier.
“Genderfluid? What's that?” Sirius adjusted his grip on the book.
“Why don't you read it and find out?” Regulus retorted. “And,” he hesitated for a moment. He hoped he wasn't being weird. “Let me know what you think.”
“Yeah.” Sirius had already begun reading.
Sirius spent days pouring over this book. This genderfluid thing explained exactly how he felt. It was a real thing. It had a word and explanations and reasons for everything he was feeling. Sirius was overjoyed at this discovery. He had to remember to thank Regulus for this.
Sirius wanted to tell the others about his new discovery. He wanted them to know that he was genderfluid, that there was a reason he felt this way. But he wanted to perfect what he was going to say first. He decided practicing on Regulus would be a good idea.
Sirius felt his tummy tying into a knot as he approached Regulus. If it was this difficult to tell someone who had introduced him to the subject, how was he ever going to tell Remus, James, and Peter?
Sirius sat down beside Regulus and his friends in the courtyard, the book secure in his arms. “Um, hey, Reg,” he greeted awkwardly. “Here's your book.”
“Thank you,” Regulus said, regarding Sirius with suspicion as he took the book. “Did you…like it?”
Sirius nodded, fiddling with his fingers in his lap and looking anywhere but at Regulus.
Barty, Evan, and Pandora sat quietly, watching the brothers and waiting for something to go down.
“You don't have-” Regulus started, but Sirius interrupted him.
“I'm genderfluid.”
Three gasps escaped the group, and Regulus shot his friends a warning glare.
“Are you?” Regulus asked. He wasn't sure what to say. He wanted to say the right thing.
“Yeah, I was reading your book, and being genderfluid, it's, you can be a girl sometimes or a boy sometimes,” Sirius spoke in a hurried tone. “That's really cool, and you don't even have to be either if you don't want. You can just be nothing, or you could even be both at the same time. And you can use different pronouns, like she and he. Both of them.”
“Yeah,” Regulus nodded along as Sirius rambled excitedly.
“I think that's what I am,” he said. “I think I wanna be a boy sometimes and a girl sometimes.”
“That's so cool,” Pandora spoke up.
Sirius offered her a small smile, becoming shy all of a sudden as if he didn't realize he had an audience. “Yeah, um, I-I guess that's all.”
“Thank you for telling me,” Regulus said.
“Thank you for letting me read your crazy book. I needed that weeks ago,” Sirius huffed out a laugh at himself.
“I'm glad I could be of service, brother. Or sister.”
Sirius smiled, staring down at his feet. He liked the sound of that.
“So, what are you right now?” Barty asked.
Sirius looked up at him in surprise.
“A boy or a girl,” Barty clarified.
“Oh, um, a boy,” Sirius answered.
“Are you going to use different pronouns?” Pandora asked. “You could use they/them, you know. If you feel more comfortable doing that.”
“Or you could change them depending on the day,” Regulus said.
“Yeah, I think I wanna do that,” Sirius said to Regulus. “I want to be she sometimes.” He looked down at his hands, twisting his fingers.
“Sometimes,” he whispered. “I want to be your sister.”
Regulus nudged Sirius’s foot with his, hoping he would take the encouragement to look up at him. He did, cautiously.
“Is that okay?” Sirius asked.
“Okay?” Regulus asked. “Yeah, it's okay. I'd like to have a sister sometimes.”
Sirius grinned at his brother. He felt so happy, happy he found out about being genderfluid, happy about Regulus’s acceptance and support, he could almost cry.
“Thank you, Reg,” he said softly, wiping at the tears forming in his eyes. “For the book, and for, all of this, I guess.”
Regulus gave Sirius a pat on the arm and a small smile. Sirius pulled him into a crushing hug. Regulus let him, patting his hair and smiling to himself. He was glad Sirius had figured things out, and he was glad he could be of assistance. Sirius had been so supportive when Regulus came out, every time he came out, and he was more than happy to be able to return the favor.
Sirius knew he wanted to tell the others, knew he had to if he wanted to live his truth. He wasn't afraid they wouldn't be accepting, he was just afraid they wouldn't understand. He told Marlene first because he knew she would be the easiest to explain to.
“So, you're a boy sometimes?” she clarified. She had one leg thrown over the back of the couch, and she leaned back casually as she spoke to him. “And sometimes you're a girl?”
“Exactly.”
“Is that how you got into my room?” she asked.
“Um, yeah, I think so.”
“Cool.”
“Yeah,” Sirius chuckled. “Cool.”
Marlene swung her legs in front of her into a sitting position. “You're a right beautiful girl, mate,” she said.
“Thanks, Marlene. So are you.”
Marlene nodded in agreement. “And a handsome boy, of course.”
“Of course,” Sirius smiled, leaning his head against Marlene’s. He wished everyone would be this easy to talk to.
Sirius told James and Peter next. He was scared to tell Remus because he didn't know how he would feel about being in a relationship with a genderfluid person. What if Remus didn't want a girlfriend? What if he found that weird?
Sirius found James and Peter in their shared room pretending to study. He joined them on the floor, waiting quietly for them to quit their bickering so he could speak.
“Hey, Sirius,” James greeted, hitting Peter in the arm. “What's up, mate?”
“Hey,” Sirius said slowly. “Can I, um, can we talk about something?”
James and Peter shared a worried look. James nodded for him to continue.
“Well,” Sirius cleared his throat. “You see, I'm not a boy. Well, no, I am a boy, but sometimes I'm not. See, I read this book.”
Sirius did his best to explain what he'd read in the book and how it applied to himself.
“Can we read the book?” Peter asked.
“What?”
“This book you read that explained all this stuff,” Peter said.
“Oh, yeah.” Sirius hadn't been expecting that. He hadn't expected them to be interested in it. He had just been hoping they wouldn't think he was crazy.
“So, you're a boy and a girl?” James said.
“What does that mean?” Peter asked.
“It means he's a boy sometimes and a girl sometimes,” James said like that was obvious.
“Okay, but what does that mean?” Peter snapped. “Are we supposed to call you they now? How do you decide which one you are? Is it random?”
Sirius laughed fondly. He was happy Peter wanted to know more. His questions weren't judgmental, they were just curious. He answered all his questions the best he could.
Now all Sirius had to do was tell Remus. Peter and James assured him it would go well, but that did little to calm his nerves.
***
Sirius was doing her makeup, planning what she was going to say to Remus. She was feeling like a girl today, or she was a girl rather, that would take some getting used to even for her. She thought about maybe waiting until a boy day to tell Remus, thinking that might be easier to handle, give Remus some time to get used to this. Unfortunately, she didn't get to make that choice.
Remus entered the room, regarding Sirius with a look that said he knew something was up. Sirius wouldn't be surprised if James or Peter had accidentally let something slip, but she thought if one of them had he'd be trailing after Remus apologizing profusely. Like James had earlier after accidentally saying he during breakfast. Sirius appreciated the dedication, but he wished James would be a little more chill about it. Though, James was never chill about anything.
Remus took a seat on the edge of Sirius's bed. “Your makeup looks nice,” he said. “And your outfit. Is it new?”
Sirius was wearing a white satin camisole trimmed with black lace and her black flare jeans with sequin stars on them.
“Um, yeah, it's, yeah, it's new.”
“It's cute.”
The two of them sat in silence, both wanting to say something but neither wanting to speak first.
“Sirius.”
“Remus.”
“Sorry,” they apologized at the same time.
Sirius giggled nervously. “You can go first.”
“Right, uh, is there, are you, um,” Remus struggled to find the right words. Sirius hoped she knew what Remus was trying to say. It wasn't like it was a secret now.
“I'm a girl,” she said.
Remus’s mouth fell open, and he blinked at her in shock. “You're a-” he looked like the pieces were clicking together in his head.
“I'm a girl today,” Sirius clarified. “Some days I'm a girl, and some days I'm a boy. I'm genderfluid.”
“Genderfluid?” Remus repeated. He sounded confused, but not angry or disgusted.
“It means my gender changes. Sometimes I feel like a girl, that's usually when I wear makeup and dress girly and stuff.”
Remus nodded for Sirius to continue, and she did. She excitedly explained being genderfluid and what it meant to her. Remus smiled enthusiastically as she spoke. He seemed excited too.
“So, um, you don't mind?” Sirius asked.
“Mind? No, of course, not.” Remus took both Sirius's hands in his. “I'm happy for you.”
Sirius blushed, giggling and leaning into Remus’s chest. Remus cupped Sirius's face, bringing their faces together so he could look her in the eyes.
“So you're a girl?” he asked.
“Um, it's fine, you can just-”
“What do you want?” Remus cut her off. “Not what you think I want.”
“I'm, erm, I'm a-a girl today,” Sirius said quietly.
“Which means you're my girlfriend today?”
Sirius loved hearing that more than she ever would've expected to. “Yes,” she smiled.
“So it's really okay?” Sirius asked. “You don't mind having a girlfriend?”
Remus chuckled. “Lucky for you, I happen to like girls and boys. So you can be my girl and my boy, and I'll like you just the same.”
Sirius was a giggling, blushing mess. She wanted that more than anything. She wanted Remus to accept her, to want her, just like this.
Remus kissed Sirius’s hands, then pulled her into a hug. He wrapped her up in his arms and kissed her nose. “So, my pretty girl, is there anything else you'd like to tell me?”
“Only how wonderful you are,” Sirius answered, making Remus chuckle. “Thank you, Remus.”
“I didn't do anything,” Remus said.
Sirius rested her head against her boyfriend’s chest and sighed happily. “You did everything.”