and I love your dress
Sirius sat on the floor between James’s legs as he attempted to braid Sirius's hair. He wasn't doing a very good job, but he was trying his best. James, Peter, and Remus were all trying their best to make Sirius feel accepted and comfortable.
Peter read up on being genderfluid, even buying a book of his own specifically on the topic. He asked Sirius a lot of questions that he sometimes wasn't sure how to answer, but he was glad Peter had taken such an interest in it.
“So, are you still gay?” Peter had asked him.
Sirius hadn't really thought about that. When he was a boy he was gay, obviously. But did that mean he was straight when he was a girl?
“Woah, wait.” Sirius grabbed Peter’s arm, looking him in the eye. “I'm a gay man and a straight woman.”
Peter and Sirius burst into wide grins.
“Wicked.”
“Would you ever change your name?” Peter asked.
“Nah, I like my name.”
“Good, 'cause I'd probably forget all the time.”
Sirius laughed at that. “Yeah. Sirius isn't a very gendered name anyway.”
“Was it weird when your brother changed his name?”
Truthfully, Sirius barely remembered. As far as he was concerned, Regulus had always been Regulus.
“No, it was more normal, actually.” It seemed like forever ago that Sirius would've ever thought of Regulus as a girl. It didn't seem right.
“I guess that's kind of how this feels,” Peter said.
“What feels?”
“You,” he replied. “Feels like this is how it was always meant to be. Like you've stepped into your true self.”
“Huh, yeah, I guess I have.” Sirius did feel like he'd stepped into his true self.
He wished everyone would see that as easily as his friends did. He couldn't explain his situation to the entire school, and he didn't think the professors would care much, he understood that, but it was still annoying to have to be misgendered so often. He tried to ignore it, after all, they didn't know, but it bothered him.
Sometimes, Sirius had a particularly rough time with it. When she was a girl and all day all she heard was Mr. Black. One time in herbology class she was on the verge of tears, and when the professor called her name again, she thought she might scream. There were other people in the class, she didn't need to be the only one called on. It was like the universe had a personal score to settle with her.
“Mr. Black, please sit up and pay attention.”
Just for that, Sirius wouldn't be paying attention. She did sit up if only to be pestered less.
James nudged her arm, leaning in to whisper in her ear. “Miss Black.”
He turned back to his notes as if nothing had happened. Sirius smiled to herself.
“Alright,” James said, securing the elastic around one of Sirius's braids. He flipped them over Sirius’s shoulders. “This would look pretty if we had a ribbon to tie it with.”
Sirius pulled a loose curl out to frame his face. Turning to Remus, he gave his braids a flick and asked, “How do I look?”
“Beautiful,” Remus said without looking up.
“You didn't even look,” Sirius whined. He saw a smirk creeping up on Remus’s face. He lifted his head to look at Sirius, and his amusement softened into fondness. Sirius looked adorable.
“You look gorgeous,” he said.
Sirius’s face scrunched in a purely blissful smile. “Thank you, Moony.”
Remus had offered nothing but his endless support to Sirius. When he was a boy, Remus made sure to let him know he was the most handsome boy and the best boyfriend in the whole world. And when she was a girl, Remus made her feel like the prettiest, most beautiful, most loved girl ever. He always made sure to compliment them accordingly, telling Sirius his outfit suits him or her makeup looks cute.
And when Sirius was confused, and they didn't know what they wanted or who they were, Remus was there through that too. Remus might not understand feeling confused about his gender, but being a werewolf, he did understand dysphoria to a certain extent. He knew what it felt like to hate what you saw in the mirror, to feel like two different beings were coexisting inside you, and you just want to rip your skin apart and crawl out of it.
Sirius loved every inch of Remus, he could never imagine hating a single fiber of this beautiful boy’s being. He hated to think Remus couldn't feel that too. It made him think that if he could love Remus that much, even the things he hated, then maybe Remus could love every bit of the mess that is Sirius. Though, in Sirius’s opinion, one of them was significantly easier to love.
Marlene had been extremely supportive as well. She took Sirius on girls' days, going shopping, getting their hair done, and going out to lunch together. Sirius loved girls’ days. He loved how he could be one of the girls and still be one of the boys too.
One time, Mary had accompanied Marlene and Sirius on their day out. Sirius told Mary about being genderfluid since they were friends, and he wanted her to know. He wasn't sure if Mary understood what it meant, but she accepted it rather easily. She quickly became a usual part of their girls’ days.
Mary had long, oval-shaped nails that were always painted a different color or decorated with fun patterns. Sirius always thought they looked so pretty. Sometimes, he thought it would be nice to have long nails, but he knew he'd get tired of it. He probably wouldn't take care of them properly anyway.
“How do you get your nails so long?” Sirius asked Mary.
She smiled and leaned closer like she was about to reveal her secrets. “They're press-ons. They come off.”
“They come off?” Sirius repeated.
Mary nodded. What an awesome invention. You could have long nails when you wanted and short nails the rest of the time. Sirius asked if Mary would lend him some of her press-on nails. She said yes and even offered to show him how to put them on and take them off.
The first time Sirius did her nails, she chose a set of blue and orange swirls. She liked to hold her hand up in the sunlight to see the colors glisten. She tapped her long nails on every hard surface she came across, much to James’s irritation.
“Mate,” he said, warning in his voice. “I'm glad you like your nails, but if you do that one more time I'm cutting your hand off.”
“Sorry,” Sirius smiled sheepishly.
Sirius left James to show her nails to Regulus and give him some peace from her incessant tapping because she obviously wasn't going to stop.
“Oh, Regulus,” Sirius singsonged, slinging an arm around her brother. She wiggled her fingers in front of his face.
Regulus took her hand, examining her nails. “They look nice.”
Sirius beamed at the compliment.
“I have something for you,” Regulus said.
“Ooh, a present.”
Regulus reached into the pocket of his bag, pulling out two bead bracelets. He handed them to Sirius. Sirius took them, turning them over in her hand. One was pink with beads that said ‘she’ and the other blue with ‘he’ beads.
“So you don't have to say it every time,” Regulus said. He spoke casually as if he didn't just do the nicest thing ever.
“Did you make these?” Sirius asked.
Regulus nodded.
“Aw, Reggie.” Sirius’s face was full of emotion as she slipped on the pink bracelet.
Regulus frowned, taking a step away from Sirius. Sirius grabbed his hand, interlocking their fingers. “Do you still wear yours?” she asked. “The one I made you. Do you remember?”
Regulus sighed and unbuttoned the cuff of his sleeve, exposing the green and blue bead bracelet Sirius had gifted him when he started taking his hormone supplements.
Sirius squealed in excitement when she saw it. “You do have it.”
Sirius put their hands side by side to look at their bracelets. “You have such nice hands,” she said.
“Don't look at them,” he said, pulling away. “They're ugly.”
“They are not ugly.” Sirius pulled him back, placing her palm beneath Reg’s, her fingertips extending far past his.
Regulus’s hands were petite, with slender fingers, delicate wrists, and short, perfectly manicured nails. They were soft and fair, giving him an air of grace and elegance. Sirius’s hands were slender as well, but hers were a lot wider, her fingers longer, and her skin rougher.
“Yours are nicer,” Regulus said.
“Well, I am just so much more beautiful than you,” Sirius remarked.
Regulus rolled his eyes. “Sure.”
Sirius had never been consciously jealous of Regulus, not about gender-related things that is, but looking back there were moments that she realized now were definitely jealousy. She never thought that Regulus might be jealous of her. It didn't seem right.
She felt sad thinking about Regulus feeling dysphoric the way she had, a deeper sadness than even when she was feeling it herself. Sirius wouldn't wish that on anybody. She pictured Regulus crying, screaming at the mirror, and wishing he could rip his skin off and start over. The image broke her heart.
Sirius spent the rest of the day with Regulus. They didn't talk about gender stuff, they just hung out. Regulus’s friends were pretty fun too. Barty jokingly flirted with Sirius, Pandora and Evan were a little scary, and they all said really rude things to each other, but Sirius assumed that was how they showed affection.
Sirius sat with Regulus on his bed. Dorcas, Pandora, and Evan were bickering about something and Barty was enjoying the entertainment.
“Why are you guys fighting?” Sirius asked.
“Please, don't entertain them,” Regulus begged.
“Evan stole my earring,” Dorcas said.
“I did not!” he insisted. “Why would I want your trashy earrings?”
“Trashy,” Dorcas gasped.
“What earrings are we even looking for?” Pandora asked.
“It's a silver cuff,” Dorcas said. She circled her finger around her ear where the jewelry would go. “It has three rings and a dangly star.”
“I think Barty’s wearing it,” Sirius informed her. Barty had a lot of ear piercings. Seven, Sirius counted. One of his earrings was the one Dorcas had described.
“Barty!”
“You were just sitting here letting her blame me for your crimes?”
Barty laughed, rolling himself into Evan’s lap. “It was funny.”
Sirius looked at the rest of the group's ears. Pandora had the same amount of piercings as Barty, but hers were all on the outside none on the inner part of her ear like his were. Dorcas had three on her lobe, three higher up, and two inner. Evan had significantly less, with a regular lobe piercing and industrial piercing.
Those were only their ears. Evan had his eyebrow pierced, Dorcas had a small gold hoop in her nose, Pandora had her septum and both sides of her nose done, and Barty had his septum.
“Do you guys pierce yourselves?” Sirius asked.
“Yeah, Evan usually does it,” Pandora answered. “Do you want a piercing?”
“Could you? Is it safe?”
The group looked at each other, amusement passing over their faces.
“I sure hope so,” Barty laughed.
“Sirius, maybe you should get your ears pierced professionally,” Regulus suggested. “Or by someone who's not a half-witted imbecile.”
“Don't listen to him, Sirius,” Evan said. “It'll be fine. I do this all the time.”
Sirius didn't need much more convincing. She wanted to wear earrings too, so she let Evan pierce her ears. Sirius sat still while Evan cleaned her ears and drew two little dots on them. Evan held a cork behind Sirius's ear and held the needle to the front of her earlobe.
“This is going to hurt,” he said.
Dorcas offered her hand for Sirius to hold. The actual piercing didn't hurt very much. The process of Evan pulling the needle out and pushing Sirius’s fresh earrings in was the most painful part.
“Ow, ow, Evan.” Sirius grabbed at Evan’s wrists. Dorcas grabbed both her hands so she wouldn't mess up the process.
“‘M almost done,” Evan said. “When these heal up you'll be able to wear pretty, dangly earrings.”
Sirius couldn't wait. Later, she showed off her new earrings to James, Peter, and Remus.
“Aren't they pretty?”
“So pretty,” James complimented.
***
Sirius had made some very significant changes in his life recently. Realizing he was genderfluid was one of the best things that had ever happened to him. He'd never felt more free, more in tune with his own energy and individuality. He felt comfortable in his own skin.
Sirius had been afraid of coming out because he didn't want his friends to think of him differently. And they did, but they also didn't. They did in the way that they saw Sirius as both the man and the woman they were, but they were also still just Sirius.
Sirius, who talked and laughed loudly, loved David Bowie and hanging out with his friends, and didn't care what anyone thought of him because he had real friends who adored him, and he liked his life.
Sirius’s birthday was approaching, and James was planning a big party for him. Sirius, Mary, and Marlene went out together to buy outfits for the party.
Mary chose a pretty satin purple dress that laced up in the back and had a short little skirt that twirled around her as she moved. Marlene picked out a blue sequin mini dress that would look perfect with her boots.
Sirius had much more trouble deciding what he should wear. Marlene and Mary picked out several cool trousers and put together multiple outfits they insisted would look gorgeous on him. He liked some of them, but his outfit needed to be perfect.
Sirius may have strayed toward the dresses a few too many times. A few weeks ago he never would've dared to think about putting a dress on, but with all that's happened lately it didn't seem like such a scary thought anymore. Still, he felt nervous saying out loud that he wanted to wear a dress. He hadn't ever done it before.
Marlene interrupted his thoughts. “Do you want that?” she asked.
She was referring to the dress Sirius had been eyeing for the past five minutes. It was a deep blue velvet sleeveless mini dress covered in sparkling little stars.
“Do I-I don't, I mean, I've never-” Sirius wasn't sure what he was trying to say. He knew it was okay, he knew if he really wanted to try that dress on there was nothing stopping him. But there was a voice in the back of his head, a familiar, awful voice, saying he couldn't. Saying it was wrong, disgusting, not normal.
Marlene pulled the dress off the rack and shoved it at Sirius. “You'd look so pretty,” she urged. “Put it on.”
Sirius took a deep breath and nodded. He could do this. Marlene wanted him to. It was just a dress. The world wouldn't crumble if he put a dress on. Hopefully.
Sirius changed into the dress and stared at himself in the mirror. The dress came down to his mid-thigh and hung over his frame in a perfect fit. He liked it. He 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 liked it. He felt tears sting his eyes. They were happy tears, or maybe tears of freedom.
He heard Mary call his name. “Sirius? Are you alright?”
Sirius came out to show off his dress. He twirled around to show the other girls.
“You look so cute,” Mary squealed. “That's the one.”
Marlene shook Mary’s arm excitedly. “You have to get it,” she said. “Oh, what's wrong?”
Sirius was still crying. He wiped at his eyes carefully so as not to smear his eyeliner. “I'm fine, it's good. I just, I really like it.”
“Good, 'cause you look amazing.”
Sirius beamed at the compliments. He felt amazing.
The other boys thought so too. James, Peter, and Remus made sure Sirius knew just how gorgeous she looked. For her birthday party, James helped her choose her makeup, a glittery silver and blue look to match her dress. She added her boots and leather jacket to finish the look. She had her pink bracelet on today.
Sirius had bought an outfit with trousers as well as the dress in case her birthday turned out to be a boy day. Mary had suggested it, thinking it would be a good idea to be prepared for things like that.
James and Peter headed out of the room to Sirius’s party, where the rest of their housemates were already waiting in the common room. Sirius took a last look at herself in the mirror. A rather long look, turning to admire herself from every angle.
Remus came up behind Sirius, snaking his arms around her waist. “You look really pretty,” Remus murmured.
Sirius blushed, smiling and squeezing her eyes shut. “Thank you.”
Remus kissed Sirius’s cheek. He fiddled with the hem of the dress, rubbing the velvet between his fingers. He lifted it slightly, exposing Sirius’s creamy white thigh. Sirius turned around, throwing her arms around Remus’s neck.
“You’ll get to take this off later,” she smirked.
Remus groaned and wrapped his arms around Sirius, dipping her backward and capturing her in a kiss. Sirius thought it safe to assume Remus loved her dress.
Barty and Dorcas liked it too, whistling and cheering when they saw Sirius. Sirius preened under their praise, delighted with the attention.
She received two more dresses from Marlene. Casual ones that she could wear every day. Regulus got her a pair of earrings she could wear when she finally changed them. Mary got her more press on nails.
Sirius took several photos with her best friends, her brother, and some of just herself, her birthday crown and smile glittering. She wanted to remember this moment forever and of course, document how beautiful she looked.
Remus pulled Sirius onto his lap, smiling as Peter snapped a photo of them.
“Happy birthday, babygirl,” Remus whispered, nudging his nose into Sirius’s neck.
Sirius couldn't help the grin that spread across her face. She didn't think she could feel any happier than she did in this moment.