Chapter 7
James hated being alone.
It was something everyone knew, which had always worried his parents.
It was almost a fear for James, which he was now trying to come to terms with.
He had started going to the therapist a year ago, after a particularly bad episode, and could notice the improvements.
Not only about himself but, above all, about the people who care about him.
He could see it when Sirius was happy that he could go on a date with Remus without being afraid of his best friend passing out at home alone.
He could see it when his parents planned impromptu trips.
He could see it when he was at home watching a movie in peace without panicking.
They always told him that his heart was too big and all the emotions he felt were channeled too quickly.
He had received so much love that he was ready to give but sometimes it was just too much to bear.
People needed space and sometimes James couldn't figure out when.
This is why he had always tried to limit himself, to hold back his emotions.
He had figured out how to do it and started abusing it.
He was ignoring himself and his needs.
This had made his panic attacks worse.
Being constantly on the razor's edge.
Constantly checking how and when he had to restrain himself was stressing his mind and body.
He tried to vent that excessive anxiety through physical exercise but it wasn't enough.
Sirius and Remus had repeatedly told him that he was hurting himself but he didn't know how to stop feeling so inadequate.
So much.
He was too much, too fucking much for everyone.
But next to Regulus he didn't feel too much.
He know that Regulus needed it.
When he saw him walk through the door of his house he immediately understood that he would be the perfect person to channel his character.
If Regulus had wanted, he would have given him all the love he had been deprived of.
So beautiful and yet so emaciated.
The Blacks truly had a special beauty, specific to their dynasty.
So elegant.
Slim and flexible bodies.
Black curls.
Eyes that hid a world.
Especially those of Regulus, he could seem motionless , yet inside his eyes a world was unleashed.
Elegant fingers dancing across surfaces.
Pink lips, particularly suitable for kissing.
He had been watching him since he arrived.
He had idolised him.
Admired.
He had never seen such a beautiful person.
He had heard of Regulus Black of course, Sirius was his best friend, but they had never exchanged more than a few glances.
Now he wanted to hold him.
Hug him.
Love him.
Give him everything he needed.
He wanted to make him live, to see him shine like a star, to fly like a butterfly, to make him touch the sun.
But it was so difficult.
Regulus was now locked in a shell of fear.
He tried to push everyone away, he jumped at the slightest noise, he apologized at the slightest breath, he didn't feel worthy of being defined as a person with his own conscience.
He felt like nothing, who would be taken care of by his everything.
Regulus was afraid of being seen but James almost needed to see Regulus.
He needed to know Regulus was safe like he needed oxygen to live.
And that's why the two of them found themselves, one evening, smoking on the veranda without Sirius, who had gone out with Remus.
It would have been the perfect opportunity to understand Regulus.
To understand what ailed him, what Walburga Black had done to him, what she had told him.
There he was, leaning against the railing, his slender fingers curling around his lit cigarette. He didn't know that Regulus smoked, but he just knew that it was a vision he would have had in his wildest dreams.
God Regulus Black was a vision.
“Everything okay Potter? I see you silent tonight.”
“Are we back at Potter? Intimidated are we?” He grinned at the boy
“Oh don't feel so cocky, darling”
He choked on his own saliva.
Darling?
Tonight he would kill him.
But he wanted to play too.
Or at least, not playing games, let's test the waters, see if they could actually make something happen between them.
Sirius would have killed him.
Now they just had to worry about making him stable. Safe. Not see if he was ready to have a relationship with the owner of the house he was living with.
After the panic attack he had had on the first day, they promised to take it easy.
Hell, he himself had told Sirius to take it slow.
But tonight they were here.
He and Regulus.
And he couldn't help but think about what it would be like to hug him, sit on the couch and watch a movie while he made popcorn.
Curl up on the sofa tightly.
Tonight he wanted to be a little selfish
He wanted Regulus to move in with them.
He wanted to see him every morning as soon as he got up, wandering around their kitchen.
He wanted to see him venerate his father's books.
He wanted to see him in all its facets.
“You look absolutely beautiful tonight, Reg.” blurted out, regretting it immediately.
The boy blushed violently
“Only tonight?” Whispered slowly.
“No always, but the moonlight is extremely flattering on you right now.”
Regulus turned to him, the blush still visible on his cheeks.
“We're not joking James” Regulus turned serious.
“Why do you say joke?”
“Don't make fun of me James, not like that, it's cruel”
“Who made you think you're anything but beautiful, Reg?”
A violent instinct arose.
No one could treat him this way.
“Reality James, look at me! I'm- I'm horrible, useless, can't do a thing right and definitely not with you!” He sounded tired, like he had had this conversation multiple times.
“What have I to do with it! Why especially me? Why can I never be enough for someone? Regulus? What's wrong with me, tell me!? What do I have to do to make people accept me, why I’m not good?”
Regulus looked horrified, ghastly pale.
Fuck taking it easy.
He had ruined everything.
Now Regulus would retreat, like a frightened hedgehog, a snail in its shell.
He would go to his room, maybe call Pandora and ask her to come get him.
Sirius would be angry with him.
His mother would have looked at him disappointed.
He had ruined a life.
Just because he had decided to be selfish for the first time in his life.
To choose something for him.
Being selfish get you punished.
“James what the hell are you talking about? You did not understand anything! I'm the problem here, I'm the person who doesn't deserve you, I'm the person who isn't suitable. I haven't known love James, I can't compete with yours, I'm a heartless person, a nothing. And you're not the mistake, fuck whoever made you believe it, I swear I'll go look for it on the face of the earth and make them take it back. Because you don't have to change anything, do you understand? You are James Potter, the perfect James Potter. No one will ever be enough for you. Me first of all!”
James ran to hug him.
He wanted to keep him quiet.
Shut up, shut up, shut up.
How could he say all that nonsense.
“God Regulus, we are two train wrecks” he said inhaling his scent.
He couldn't believe it.
“But Regulus, I want to try to be your friend.” Tried at the very end.
Slow James. Take it slow.
“Are we going to be only friends?” The slimy git asked.
“Let's start with that, I promised your brother to take it easy”
“Did you tell my brother about me?”
“It's not that I actually told him that, but sooner or later yes, sooner or later I'll tell him that- that I could fall in love with you Regulus. Maybe someday. If fate wants it, we will be on this balcony looking at the stars together, laughing at these moments."
"Why not now?"
“I know what you're thinking, you're thinking that I don't want to start anything now because you'll never be enough anyway. That I don't even want to try. That I'm too kind for my own good and that's my kindness talking. That in reality I will soon realize is not worth it so I’m taking time to turn you off.”
“How-how do you know?”
“Because I always think that too, with anyone, only the opposite. Regulus, I am always too much, always so cheerful, so full of life so energetic, that I tire people, I am too much Regulus.”
“And I'm nothing James” whispered the boy still lost in the embrace.
“Maybe we could really try James, slowly. Maybe it could even work out well."
He saw something off.
"But-?"
“But- that's not right. We- we're not right. Two boys.. My mother-" he didn’t finish his sentence but there was no need. He understood plenty. He was Sirius best friend after all, he knew how people in the Black family reasoned.
“Reg, tell me honestly, do you think Remus and Sirius aren't right?”
"NO! They are perfect James I would never think- don't- James don't you dare I-“
“Shhh darling, I know, I know. I know because I had a similar discussion with your brother. You know he seems very brave, unbeatable, incorruptible. But he also had your mother's voice in his head for a long time, telling him that it was wrong. That his love couldn't be right. That the only pure thing was to have a good marriage that led to heirs. It caused a lot of problems in their relationship Regulus, you can't imagine. But over time they succeeded. Remus was patient and by his side through every crisis. And that got Sirius rid of that voice in his head. Which stopped him at every step. Which blocked him. Which didn't allow him to live. And we will do the same. I will help you."
“But James, I'm not- I'm not my brother. I'm not brave like him, I'm not bold, intrepid, I freeze- you don't know what it's like- what my mother is like, the things she does, I-"
Regulus shivered in his embrace and that was the first time James felt hatred.
A hatred so visceral that he was almost frightened by it.
He had never seen Walburga Black in action.
He had never seen her hit her children.
But he was smart enough to understand the weight that her words and actions had had on Sirius and Regulus.
Two innocent boys. Little. Weak. Harmless.
“Why do you keep comparing yourself to him Regulus? I like you just the way you are, Sirius likes you just the way you are, my mother adores you, my father can't wait to see you. Regulus you are special and you are perfect like this. Please don't compare yourself to anyone. And if your problem is that you can't rebel against your mother it’s okay. Regulus you are still a boy, you were a child before. No one should experience these things. You are very strong. Believe me. And if your mother doesn't accept you, her loss. You are perfect, intelligent, beautiful, smart, shrewd.”
“James, James stop - I don't”
“You are Reg, you are all these things”
He gave him a chaste, small kiss on the forehead, still holding him in his arms with the moon still shining in the sky.
“Arguing with you is a very difficult thing, you don't let me finish what I want to say”
“Of course, when you talk nonsense it is my duty as a knight to stop you.”
“So now you would be a knight?”
“Of course, and you are my prince, I have to save you from the evil dragon that is your mind”
Regulus laughed heartily
“Okay, I can take that,” he laughed again as he bumped his nose into James'.
Had it always been so warm here?
He was suffocating.
They stopped, looking into each other's eyes.
“I thought I said to take it easy” he whispered against his mouth.
“You must understand my distress, look at yourself”
A guttural sound came from his throat.
He couldn't give him those compliments, they added too much to the heat he was already feeling in his lower abdomen.
Okay James, think about- about-
“James you won't think about my brother while we're about to kiss right?”
“Um no, absolutely, and even if I were it would be purely for survival”
“James, don't think about my brother when we're about to kiss! God you are so in symbiosis it's almost embarrassing!"
“Do you think he also thinks about me while he kisses Remus?”
“James I can assure you that if I were kissing Remus, thinking of you would be the last thing.”
“Okay, period.” he accepted.
“No wait what?? Sorry, what are you meaning?"
“Did you see him, James? That boy is art"
“You're not making the situation any better” mumbled against his hair.
Regulus just laughed, resting his head on his shoulders
“It's your fault for ruining the atmosphere by talking about my brother, sorry not sorry.”
“Okay point taken, next time I'll throw you against the wall and I'll only stop when you beg me to do so”
James don't think about it.
Forget about it.
Don't think about Regulus squirming beneath you in absolute ecstasy against a wall.
“And who said I'll beg you to stop?” He winked at him, but before he could reply he went back inside, closing the door behind him.
James sighed at the moon again, calling himself stupid. Right now he could have snogged Regulus out of his mind.
Slowly James. Slowly.
So he returned, following Regulus onto the sofa
“Shall we watch a movie?”