Chapter 8
It was a good week, where everything was going quite well.
Regulus was adapting to their rhythms, responding well to their improvised therapy.
He enjoyed having tea with his mother every afternoon and reading with Fleamont whenever possible.
He and Reg exchanged small gestures, light touches throughout the day.
They interlaced their fingers, smiled slightly at each other even if not needed, helping out his parents together, a sort of secret language that they were sharing.
Which certainly didn't go unnoticed in Sirius' eyes.
Sirius who was so attentive to his little brother, so protective, so jealous.
He had been breathing down his neck all week looking for answers and James had tried to avoid him like death.
He wasn't ready to define himself.
To name what was happening between them.
Look after Reg was more important.
One could easily see the improvements, he jumped slightly less, he spoke a little more, he gave his opinion more often, he closed himself off less, his eyes were less vacant, more active.
But they hadn't reached the finish line yet.
In a month they couldn't do much about a life of submission.
But everyone was calmer.
Happier.
They felt part of something beautiful.
Reg smiled little, laughed even less, but when he did it was the most angelic sound ever heard.
His freckles spread across his beautiful skin which was unfortunately still too pale for the life he had led.
He tried to hide behind his hands, but every time James took them and moved away.
He didn't want to miss anything about Regulus.
They always tried to prepare dishes they knew he would like without getting caught. He ate too little to his own safety so they tried to adjust the situation for his well being. Questions asked during the day, casual talks, all this to understand what Reg preferred and what he hated.
They tried to pay attention when he finished a book to ask him his opinion.
They asked him for help in the garden, his favorite colors for flowers to plant.
They also asked him for advice on family matters, to which he was a stranger because they wanted to make him feel part of the family.
Beloved.
Accepted.
They tried to compliment him on his studies, on the excellent grades he obtained, on the outstanding average he achieved. To make him understand that he was doing well, that he was a person fit to do whatever he wanted.
And he blushed every time, it was honestly so cute.
He wasn't used to being praised and was easily embarrassed, and it was the most beautiful thing a person could witness. He tried to hide behind his curls which were slowly getting longer and stronger.
And maybe that's why no one expected the tornado that happened that day.
It seemed to have started as a normal Saturday morning, quiet, Fleamont calmly reading the newspaper, his mother preparing breakfast while they were setting the table.
“Hey little bro, would you like to go to the cinema today?”
Sirius shouts from across the room.
Reg jumped slightly and found himself turning towards his brother, but in doing so he unbalanced the plate that held the glasses stacked.
He tried to rebalance by moving his body but he made the situation worse and he fell along with the glasses which spilled and broke.
In a second James found himself next to him
“Hey Reg, is everything fine? Did you hurt yourself? Come away from the glasses, you're cutting yourself, come on, let's go take care of it.”
But the boy didn't move.
He was so still that even his own breathing seemed suspended in the air.
“Reg, Reg, Reg, Reg. What's wrong? Is Something hurting?”
God James had a bad feeling.
He knew what was going on in the boy's head.
Shit he had to- he had to do something, but what?
Effie bent down to touch him but he chased everyone away and hid in the most remote corner of the kitchen.
Dilated eyes, rapid breathing, shaking hands.
He was having a panic attack, and a bad one.
“I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry i swear I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, I'll do anything” his voice was cracking out meanwhile Sirius quickly arrived to assist his brother.
“God please Regulus, breathe with me, nothing happened, let’s try, one… two, one… two, you're at the potter's house”
But he was not listening.
He wasn’t here.
“Please, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, don't put me in the closet, please, I'm afraid of the dark, please, I'll clean everything up. I’ll make it right, I swear. I won’t do it again.”
He start picking up the glass shards, cutting his hands even more, now the blood was dirtying the floor. He also cut his knees as he tried to make space between the pieces.
If he hadn't stopped, scars would probably have formed.
“I am nothing, I am nothing, I am a waste, I am a monster. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I swear, I swear I swear, please forgive me, I didn't want to, I didn't want to.”
“Regulus, please, can I... can I get you out of there? you're hurting yourself, darling”
His mother tries to get closer to the boy but with a shrill cry he suddenly moved away. He looked like a caged animal.
He pulled his knees up to his chest, trying to make himself small.
He was trying to disappear. To stop existing, to be there.
“Guys- guys please, can I- let me try for a minute, wait for us over there please, in the living room.”
He could do it. What would Mc Gonagall do in this situation?
He approached the boy who was still trying to apologize
“I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry” barely audible, a whisper lost in the wind, as if deep down he already knew that it would be of no use, that his prayer would not be heard, that his destiny was now already written, already marked.
“Reg I can.. I can touch you? I need a yes or no.”
But the boy didn't respond, lost and lost in years of memories, of tragedy, of trauma, of uncomfortable situations, of punishments.
He was rocking on himself with his knees still pulled close to his chest and his head moving together.
“God, Reg, okay I'll apologize later for touching you without permission.”
James sighed to himself. The important thing now was not to make him faint from hyperventilation.
He grabbed the back of his neck with two fingers and made him put his head between his knees.
“Breathe in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out, well done, follow me. One.. two… one… two.. one two… very good Reg, you're doing well.
Now let's play a game okay?
We anchor your mind to reality and what surrounds you.
Now tell me, five things you can see with your eyes.”
“My socks… “ he said with difficulty after some moments “the floor- your sweater, my hands and - and - the legs of the chair.”
“Well done reg, 4 things you can touch with your hands”
Regulus shook his head.
“Nononono I don't want to, stop it, stop it stop it”
“Reg, love, four things you touch, do it for me okay? I need you to do this”
“The- my knees- my pants- the- the fabric and- my hands” he blurted out, almost in pain.
“Little star, now 3 things you can hear.”
“My breath-, your- your voice and- and i I don’t know- I’m sorry, I’m sorry” he whispered, keeping his eyes down.
“Okay okay, very good Reg, do you want to get out of this place? Can I pick you up?”
He simply nodded, now his prayer had turned into a heavy silence, which weighed on them, because if Reg didn't speak he couldn't understand what he was thinking, he couldn't reassure him, tell him what he was doing wrong.
He arrived in the living room and laid him down on the sofa, placing himself next to him.
Maybe his brother should have been in his place but he couldn't move, find the strength to let go of the boy's hand.
Regulus no longer responded to any incitement.
He simply stared into space, not moving, barely breathing.
Dark look, the only thing that suggested he was still conscious was how much he was shaking his hands, knuckles almost white from the force, drops of blood coming out of the cuts he had inflicted on himself with the shards of glass.
He slowly took them from his and surrounded them with his own, much larger ones.
He looked like he was holding the hand of a scared child.
And maybe that's what Regulus was.
In fact, he wasn't even sure he had ever had the chance to be a child.
“Reg please talk to us, tell us something okay? I can assure you that we are not angry with you, okay?”
“Of course you're mad at me and I deserve it. You can take any action. In fact I apologize for my behavior before, praying in that way not to be punished. Pathetic." He smiled at the end.
An almost sick, false, forced smile.
Not like the ones he had seen in those days.
A smile with almost too many teeth, vacant eyes that looked at nothing, that pierced people.
“No Regulus, they were just some glasses, we have a lot of them. If you really wanted to, we can go get some this afternoon okay?” His mother was trying to mediate the waters.
“Of course, whatever you want, do I receive the punishment before or after? I would recommend later, so today I can walk calmly among people without suspecting anything, but whatever you decide is fine."
Regulus blinked like he was saying that the weather was nice and not a list of things he preferred when get beated up.
His mother turned pale.
He gasped without knowing what to say anymore.
Sirius ran into the nearest bathroom and they heard him throwing up from the stress.
He squeezed Regulus's hand even tighter, as if to bring him back to earth, as if to tell him that he wasn't with his family in Grimmauld, but was with him.
“Regulus, we will not punish you. Never. As long as you are here, no one will dare to lay a single finger on you, no one will harm your person.”
Reg's pupils dilated at those words.
His breathing quickened again.
“Why won't you punish me? I don't deserve even to be punished? Oh god it must be it. But You must punish me, please please please. You must l- I need it! Or I will do it myself, I will starve myself, I had to be good to you and I wasn't. Did you already give up on me? Do you think I'm not worthy of your time?”
His mother put her hand over her mouth, starting to cry.
Warm tears fell from her eyes.
Nobody knew what to say.
He felt sick.
What had they done to him?
“Okay, fine, I'll skip the next lunches.” He began to remove the belt from his pants.
“In short, my mother usually takes pleasure in educating me, but sometimes she leaves me carte blanche, checking the results at the end.”
“Nonono Regulus, put- put that-that down”
“Reggie, I know what it's like to have Walburga in your head okay, I know you're sorry for breaking the glasses, but that's enough okay-I assure you that she’s not here and you don’t need to-“
Sirius tried to kneel next to him but he was stopped
“GET OFF ME, YOU DID THIS TO ME! mother always says that if you hadn't left I wouldn't have become such a monster” he screamed, almost scaring everyone.
Sirius froze, James could see the commitment there.
She put the two brothers against each other.
This was the cruel plan of Walburga Black.
Made her two sons hate each other so Regulus would never go to seek refuge with them. Unfortunately to her Pandora happened.
“I'll call Pandora, I'll call her, wait me and I'll be back, maybe she'll know what to do at this point.” Sirius was shocked but he knew better that to fall for these comments.
It was their mother to talk, not Regulus.
His regulus loved his brother.
Pads took out his cell phone and quickly dialed the number while Regulus didn't even seem to hear it.
He was locked in his cell, in his mind.
He couldn't hear anything.
“I understand that you don't want to punish me, you don't want to make a bad impression in front of James, but you don't have to worry, I can- just tell me-“
Okay enough.
He had to do something.
He took the belt from his hands and threw it forcefully onto the floor.
This alone seemed to wake him up for a moment, Regulus leaned out to take it back but James was faster and closed him in a hug.
Regulus tried to free himself, to walk away.
God James felt like shit, he would never look at him again.
“Your name is Regulus Arcturus Black, you are at the Potters, No. 10 Maltby street. Repeat with me Regulus, repeat these things” he left him giving the boy some time to understand what he was saying, understand his surroundings once again.
“Please Reg, follow my voice, I’m Regulus Arcturus Black”
“I am Regulus Arcturus Black” said the boy trembling, watching his hand and then his mother, his father and lastly him.
James leaned against the arm of the sofa and placed Regulus between his legs, back to back.
He began to massage his upper back, his neck,, his shoulders.
“I'm at the Potter house”
“I-I'm at the Potter house”
“And I’m safe.”
“And I’m safe.”
“Yes, very good, shh Regulus, shh, breathe, follow my breathing, follow my chest, can you feel it rising? Getting down?"
The boy nodded, relaxing completely against his chest, finally relaxing a little, his gaze a little more awake than before.
He turned to look at him, as if to understand that it was indeed James he was looking at. He tried to say something but the words never came out.
“Shh, darling, don’t talk now, remember the knight against the evil dragon of your mind? Here, let me in, let me save you, let me be your hero. I need it and you need it too.”
James began to whisper against the curls of the youngest who began to nod, heavy eyelids closing, finally relaxing.
“Did you know that Ketchup was once sold as medicine? The condiment was prescribed and sold to people suffering with indigestion back in 1834. I've read it today on ten fun facts. And did you know that humans are the only animals that can blush?”
He read that talking to people who experienced a panic attack was right for their ming. Put them at ease. Make everything more real.
“Are you really right now?” Regulus smiled tiredly against his chest.
HE SMILED. A little little smile. Nearly invisible. But it was something.
“Oh yes and if you want more I'm a pantry of knowledge, baby”
Regulus blushed, fully returned to the present world.
But the fatigue of the anxiety and panic attack began to make itself felt.
Regulus snuggled closer against James’ chest, like searching repair, then he closed his eyes and quickly fell asleep.
Small snorts escaped his lips and his eyebrows were slightly furrowed.
James ran a hand across his forehead to smooth it out.
“Good boy, love, you did really good.” He whispered still looking at his beautiful Reggie.
He had been scared.
He almost run out of ideas.
It had been a close call, so close that he hoped to never see it again.
“Thank God James, without you we wouldn't have known what to do”
Only now he noticed the audience he had witnessed their talk and this time it was he who blushed.
“Oh hum.. yes, good thing I went to the therapist huh” he scratched his head absentmindedly, feeling embarrassed.
“James, thank you for existing, thank you Effie, thank you Monty that you gave light to that star” Sirius interrupted him with messy hair and red eyes.
Two tears were still falling from his eyes and his voice was broken, but he was better than before.
Fuck he had never seen Sirius like this.
So distressed. So helpless. So hopeless.
“Did you hear Pan?” He began to look at Regulus' hands, to see if the cuts were still open or only superficial and saw that the blood was now almost dry on every surface. He sighed in relief.
One less problem for later.
“Yes- yes she said that sometimes he becomes like this, insensitive, he isolates himself from the world, as if he were an empty shell as if he were not the owner of his own body. He does this as a self-defense mechanism, so as not to appear too vulnerable in front of- Walburga. Sometimes he doesn't recognize what's real and what's not.”
“I now understand why did they come to us asking for help, he can't continue like this, he has to come and live with us. As soon as he turns eighteen.” His mother said furrowing her eyebrows.
“I- I don't know- Pandora says he thinks he deserves every little thing, so it'll be hard to make him leave that house. He thinks moth- Walburga is doing it for his own good, to make him better. And my parents need an heir, so they'll play the 'we did it for your own good' card and he'll believe it because Regulus- Regulus is like that- he-he has always looked for my parents' approval more than how I was looking for it. He always loved them - he always thought it was almost normal."
Regulus stirred in his sleep, holding himself closer to James and mentioning his name in his dreams.
James blushed, not making eye contact with anyone.
“But maybe James…with you and me here…maybe, maybe we can do it. Do you love him, James?” Sirius asked in a whisper, like he was plotting something.
“I promise not to get angry, anything is fine, anything as long as it's you and as long as you love him.” Sirius said with a new light in his eyes.
He didn’t know if he was happy about it or scared.
“Sirius- I don't- I don't know- maybe yes. I know I have feelings for Reggie, he's so Sirius- like that- but you have to understand that- I don't know yet, love is a very strong word-, maybe yes, but I don't want to scare him-" he started to mumble, in front of his parents he didn't feel like to say these things. They didn’t know yet.
But now it was useless.
“It doesn't matter James, I know you, and I know that you are the perfect person for him. And he is too for you! Watch it! It seemed irrecoverable, but instead - with you - you are perfect James"
Regulus stirred in his sleep again, blinking awake.
“Shh Reg, sleep a little longer, it's okay darling.” James began drawing small circles on his shoulders and Ragulus closed his eyes again, almost purring.
“Okay Sirius, let's let Regulus sleep. After what he has been through he needs it. Everything will be fine, we will give you all the support you need, even against your parents, Regulus will be with us at the end of these two and a half months, and this is a promise."
And when Fleamont Potter promises something, it's bound to happen.