Realizing you’re doomed makes it none the less easier
“So what’s exactly this book you have waited months for?” Sirius asks as the two of them walk to the library. Normally Remus hated having people in the library with him as that would just take away his attention and well, if he wanted to pay that to the book, he definitely did not let the right person to come along. Not only was Sirius so beautiful that Remus’s eyes instinctively searched them everywhere, but Sirius also is the embodiment of a puppy and a very adhd one at that who always needs the attention and can not sit still. But Well, Remus was glad to spend any and every time with them.
“It’s a book about a boy in the seventies who struggles with being queer and uses Bowie as an escape and basically religion to help him through it.”
“Oh that sounds actually great! Hey! Maybe you could lend it to me when you’re done with it!” Sirius replies excitedly and they have that grin on. That very signature Sirius Black grin that so desperately wants to kiss. He wants to know how that grin feels,the way it could melt into another lips, preferably his own, the way it tastes and he so so wants to just map the whole anatomy of Sirius Black with his own lips, because Sirius is a beautiful being, someone so beautiful Remus believes they should have shrines made in their name, and Remus? Oh he would dedicate each day to them.
“Well, you can read it before me if you’d like too, I’ll just re-read something else or something.” He says turning a corner out of instinct and not even really looking somehow he’s chest to chest with Sirius, staring up into the clear waters of their eyes.
“Oh no,not of that! You’ve said you have waited months,which honestly? We could have just sneaked out to get it for you.” Remus gives them a dirty look, as he was always the one to at least try to keep Sirius and James at bay with not breaking rules ~ that much. “What! It would not be the first time and most likely not the last! Anyway I love reading your books, you add little annotations to them and it’s so amusing.” Note to self, do NOT even relate anything to Sirius in this book because they could and will stumble upon it.
“Regulus does that too” Congratulations Remus, a way into a person’s heart is by talking about their brothers.
“Yeah but not like. I read both of your copies of The Song of Achilles and yours was just, I don’t know. More poetic?” Remus recalls his annotations on that book, and decides that Sirius is on crack as of now because those things he wrote there is anything but poetic. Not when he read it at 15 and kept making dirty jokes of every fucking sentence said. Once again, he was 15 and just figuring his homosexuality out.
“I didn’t know you’ve read that book” let alone twice
“How could I not? It’s a classic!” It is but to be fair, it’s weird imagining a kid who grew up surrounded with greek mythology just actually read about it.
“What did you think of it then?” Sirius actually takes time to consider the question and that makes Remus melt. Get him a cup of tea and discuss books with and you have got yourself a sealed deal forever with him.
“Well honestly, this is more Reggie’s forte,seeing as it’s his favourite book. But I loved how it made Achilles more human to the eye,you know? His tragedy is definitely one of the most cruel yet beautiful ones, and whilst in the Illiad we only see how he has so much anger and what he can do with it,because he’s a soldier. And I loved how here,he was actually human, because he was human before he became a soldier and I think he actually was a great, I’m not saying I agree with everything he did,but every hero has a fatal flaw and his was pride. “
“Wouldn’t you say it was anger?”
“No,anger drove him mad certainly but think about it. If he wasn’t so obsessed with pride, he wouldn’t have gone to the war itself, but then he did because it was more important to die with fame then live a life worth remembering. Then he quit fighting because of his pride, and had he not done that Patroclus wouldn’t have gone into battle instead of him, and then he would not have lost it because of the death of his. And then he would not have gone himself into battle to die. Certainly in his last moments he was driven by anger, but all of those were led because of his pride.”
For a moment all he can do is stare at Sirius. He always knew Sirius was like genius like intelligent, and the only reason they didn’t do perfect in school was because they were too lazy to memorize stuff, they just lived off of common sense and what they remembered from class itself. But to be fair, he was now starstruck by them. Maybe, Remus was a bit biased here, because for one he loved his books and loved talking about them and well,he also had a soft spot for Sirius.
“Makes you think of Apollo and Hyacinthus doesn’t it?” Sirius broke the silence. And now that just sounds stupid,because
“Apollo literally caused the death of Achilles” A grudge he did hold against James’s dad,no matter how great he always seemed to shine when showing up at camp.
“Do you think death is always a bad thing?” Tricky question and Remus realizes he’s put on the spotlight because Sirius has explained the whole death and life Hades’s kid thing, and he does get it really, and he won’t lie and say he believes death is an evil thing but, well he read this book at 10 and there he decided Apollo was in the wrong for guiding that arrow.
“No,but why would Apollo kill Achilles if he was reminded of himself there?”
“Perhaps because he knew how it feels to lose the one you loved more than yourself and how maddening it gets. And well, Achilles really got like insane after Patroclus’s death, I think Apollo took pity on him and decided to help him by well ; ending his suffering. Death isn’t bad and especially not when you were not living anymore. Also to be fair, Achilles pretty much was suicidal by that point.”
With that, Remus mentally apologizes to Apollo for mentally hating him for years. Luckily they reach the library and stumble in,making a beeline for the register to get the book,which to be fair has moved into background in Remus’s head.
“What would your favourite be then?” He asks,the book finally in hand,but the only poetry he wants to hear,Sirius’s words.
“Book?” For someone so smart, they ask such stupid questions
“No, Bowie album what do you think?” Sirius chuckles then bites their lip before answering like the words they’re about to say are forbidden.
“I used to have this uncle, named Alphard, but he got disowned for being gay, he well left some of his stuff back in the house. I found a book of his at like 6? I think and I was so fascinated by it, I would re-read it every month or so. It was like a secret for me you know? The first rebellion against my parents, they didn’t know but reading it made me feel, I don’t know accomplished? They thought I was aiming to be the perfect heir,whilst I was sneaking behind their backs day by day, reading my disowned uncle’s book.”
Remus,even though never have met Sirius as child that young, can mentally imagine them, that prized possession of theirs in hand, the mischievous grin upon their faces devouring the words of the book again and again. The thought makes him melt but also feel sorry for both Sirius and Regulus for the way their parents treated them, for the Black brothers were as pure and bright souls as the stars they were names after, and to taint something so precious like that is a crime, a crime that Remus would gladly,singlehandedly take upon punishing.
“What was the book?” He asks softly, looking deep into Sirius’s eyes, and for a moment he can just imagine that the two of them feel the same for one another and that Sirius is just within touch to kiss,to hold, to love. But in reality, Sirius was miles away. Physically, yes Remus could do those things as the two stood so close they basically breathed eachother’s words in, but emotionally? The two were fared away than two solar systems drifting in the galaxy.
“Maurice by E.M. Forster. It’s not very well known so I don’t expect you to-“
“I know it. It’s really a beautiful one, and funny how it was your way of first revolting because well, isn’t that all the book used to be at the time?” Remus cuts in and Sirius smiles softly, not the grin of theirs that Remus wants to worship and not the mischievous one they have on when running around with James, just a soft smile that barely plays on their lips, but it’s their nonetheless and even more so in their eyes.
“I guess in a sense. It’s so tragic though, the way he wrote the book and it didn’t even get published till he was long gone. Never really seeing the affect it can and will leave on people.”
“Well, revolutionaries don’t have to know the impact they’ll leave to leave it.”
“Suppose not,but isn’t tragic to never have known?”
“Tragedies can be beautiful,don’t you think?”
And there,in that moment Remus could have sworn Sirius was leaning in. He could’ve sworn they were about to kiss. But the Fates had other plans as the new girl came barging in, making the two part and Remus realized that he is so so fucked for life and love life and no matter how but Sirius Black will be the very end of him.