Chapter 1
He didn’t mean for James to be the one to find him.
He knew it would be traumatic for whoever found him. That’s why he had done it in the boy’s bathroom on the third floor. It would be up to the universe which unfortunate soul’s full bladder would lead them to the bleeding body of Regulus Black. It was a sick joke on the universe for it to be James .
The universe seemed to have a penchant for fucking Regulus over.
He had chosen right in the middle of the second period in hopes that no one would find him until he was gone. His vision was just starting to blur, the sounds of the castle becoming fuzzy, when he heard his name being shouted.
The last thing he saw was a panicked James Potter hovering over him.
The last thought he had was “oh fuck. It wasn’t supposed to be you.”
…
Everything was dark, but Regulus was not dead.
At least, he was pretty sure he wasn’t dead. He wasn’t in his body, he wasn’t anywhere. He was able to hear muffled voices, but it was as if he was hearing them while he lay in a different room.
“Is he dead?!? IS HE DEAD?!?”
“Professor, remove Potter!”
“REGULUS!”
He knows he is Regulus. He is unsure of anything else.
“His heart is still beating Headmaster, I’ve mended the cuts, but something is wrong.”
“Call St. Mungo’s.”
“REGULUS!”
There were too many voices. It was too dark. Regulus was tired. He didn’t want to listen anymore. He let himself drift away to nothingness.
….
The voice that pulls him back up is loud. Angry. The sheer volume catapults Regulus’s mind into a sea of blood red. There are others trying to calm it, but nothing dampens the shere ferocity of it surrounding him.
“HE’S MY BROTHER, LET ME SEE HIM.”
“Sirius, please, the healers are trying to help-”
“LET ME SEE HIM!”
“As soon as they are done-”
“I NEED TO SEE HIM.”
The shouts get pulled away, a loud crash of doors. The other voices are not enough to keep Regulus in this red place. He falls into the darkness once more.
….
He sees colors. Red to blue to purple to green. The fragment of Regulus enjoys watching them change.
(Is that what he is now? A fragment? A memory?)
“Are they going to move him to St. Mungos?”
That’s Evan, the thought comes to him. It was a comfort to him hearing the familiarity.
“No, they think it’s best to keep him here.”
Sirius. That was confusing. Those two voices didn’t go together. Regulus wasn’t sure of much, but he knew that they wouldn’t interact.
“Why won’t he wake up?”
Evan again.
“He’s keeping himself in a coma. He’s trying to die while the healers are trying to keep him alive. The stubborn asshole won’t let them save him.”
Fucking Sirius.
“That’s bullshit,” a third voice says, louder than the rest. Barty. “Regulus isn’t suicidal.”
“It seems he is,” bites back Sirius.
“I would have known,” Barty argues, “I’m his best friend.”
“Yeah, well did you know about this?”
There was a soft gasp. Regulus knows what Sirius showed him. Damn whoever had shown his brother. The scars were supposed to be his secret.
There was a prolonged silence. Regulus started to drift back to darkness, but he heard Evan ask before he left: “Are your parents coming?”
“No,” his brother said. “Not unless he dies.”
Regulus isn’t enjoying the colors anymore. He embraces the darkness.
….
When his brother comes, he sees grey.
Sirius was softly sobbing. The memory of the last time he heard his brother cry comes to Regulus. Sirius was fourteen and Regulus was thirteen. His father had whipped Sirius to the point that blood was running down his back. Sirius had not let out a sound.
They were already estranged at that point. Most of their conversations were arguments, vile and bitter words. Regulus had approached his brother’s bedroom door after he heard his father retreat to his study. His hand was raised to knock, when he heard the stifled cry. He turned and walked away, unable to destroy the image of his brother being an impenetrable force.
Now Regulus couldn't go anywhere to escape it.
“Reggie. Please come back,” his brother pleaded.
I don’t want to.
“I know you don’t want to…”
You of all people should understand.
“But I need you Reg.”
That’s not true.
“I know I don’t show it. I know it’s been a long time since…since we got on. But you are my little brother Reg. You are the only family I got. Without you, who will I be?”
You will be Sirius, proud, obnoxious, Gryfinndor. You will go on to do great things.
“It’s always been you and me against the world, Reg.”
Until you left.
“Can I tell you a secret?”
No.
“When I ran away…I was so close to knocking on your door and asking you to run with me.”
No.
“I was scared you wouldn’t want to go. We barely spoke by that point. I was scared that you would prevent me from leaving, tell our father, and then he would kill me.”
Stop.
“I should have brought you with me, Reg. I shouldn’t have left you in that house. I should have known just because you weren’t baring the physical scars like me, the mental ones would still be weighing on you.”
Regulus didn’t want to hear it anymore. The darkness shows itself once more, and Regulus runs to it.
….
When it’s blue, it’s just Barty.
He knows it must be just Barty because Barty is crying and Barty doesn’t cry in front of other people. He saves it for the middle of the night when he thinks everyone is asleep in the dormitory.
“Fuck Reg. How could I not know?”
I wouldn’t let you know Barty.
“I am supposed to be your best friend.”
You are. That’s why I couldn’t let you know.
“If you come back, I promise that I will be better. I will stop smoking in the dormitory for you.”
You won’t be able to keep that promise.
“You probably think I am bullshitting you Reg, but I’m not. I am willing to do anything to get you back.”
Regulus didn’t like hearing Barty cry.
He slips into the darkness so he doesn't have to hear it anymore.
….
Every once in a while he sees gold.
He never hears anything when he sees gold.
He feels warm until it fades,
and the darkness comes for him again.
….
Lavender is Pandora.
“I brought you some flowers Reg. I’m sure you’d hate them.”
If Regulus was there, he would laugh.
“They are violets, my favorite. I thought maybe you’d like a reminder of me.”
He almost could smell them. He could almost see her image in front of him at the smell; blonde haired plaited in one long braid down her back, those big bright blue eyes peering at him while a smile tugged at her lips.
“I hope you can hear me. And if you can’t, then I hope you are dreaming.”
Besides these bursts of color, there were no dreams. When he was in the dark, he was nothing.
“If you are dreaming, then I hope you are having adventures. I hope that you are in a place that makes you happy.”
Did such a place exist?
“Do you want to hear what everyone has been doing?”
Not really.
“Evan isn’t talking anymore. Well, you know what I mean, how he used to only say one or two words at a time? And Barty actually talks non-stop. I think he thinks if he doesn’t stop talking, then he can’t feel how much he misses you.”
Please stop.
“Dorcas hasn’t come to visit yet, but she will. She’s just really angry right now, but I don’t think it’s at you.”
“And me…I am sad of course. I miss you so much, it hurts. But I’d like to think you are feeling better, on your adventures right now. But once you’re done, can you please come back to us?”
Regulus could never give her an answer. So he turned to the darkness.
….
Evan is a soft green.
He whispers to Regulus.
He prays over Regulus.
“Please heal him, please heal his wounds.’
Regulus did not know that Evan prayed.
“Please don’t take him from us. Please lead him back to us.
He repeated them to the point that it was no longer a prayer but a desperate song.
“Please let him know that we love him. That we need him back.”
“Please.”
“Please.”
Regulus felt like crying. But there was no him, so there was no way to cry. Instead he let the darkness pull him back.
….
He wishes the gold would stay.
….
Dorcas is a midnight purple.
“Regulus if you weren’t already in a coma, I would punch you in the fucking face.”
Her voice is hollow.
“I’m sorry it took so long to come visit you. I was so angry. I was angry at you for doing this, angry at your dumbass brother for leaving you to rot in that house…but mostly angry at myself for not seeing how much you were hurting.”
It wasn’t your fault.
“I was on the verge of self-destruction I think. Wouldn’t talk to anyone, fought with everyone. I earned a month’s worth of detentions this week alone. And then, you’ll never guess who pulled me out. Marlene Fucking McKinnon.”
I always told you that you liked her.
“I know, I know. You told me so. You were right; we are similar in a lot of ways. She approached me after I got kicked out of Transfiguration and took my arm without a word. She took me to this room that I had never been in, and it was just full of the most random shit and she handed me a beater’s bat, and I just went mental. Broke everything I could…and then I crumbled to the ground. And she wrapped her arms around me and I let her. If you were there, you would be laughing your ass off.”
I wouldn’t.
“She is actually waiting outside the door for me right now.”
Good.
“I’m not angry anymore. Just sad.”
Dorcas sniffled.
“Come back.”
Regulus couldn’t. He left into the darkness.
…..
Remus was brown.
It was warm and inviting and unexpected.
“Hey Regulus. It’s Remus. Lupin. I know we don’t really…talk. I’m just kind of there when you are fighting with Sirius or when James is trying to have a conversation with you.”
A flicker of light appears, but only for a second before it disappears again.
“Did your-?...Nevermind. Anyways, I’ve actually been by a few times, but always to collect Sirius before class. He spends every night here. Sneaks in here after curfew, falls asleep in the chair next to your bed. Madam Pomfrey has stopped scolding him for it. I am actually really worried about him, and Prongs. Neither are eating much.”
Prongs? Regulus has heard that name before, but is too tired to remember where.
“I have been trying to read up on what is happening to you. You are in a state between life and death, an in-between. So there is a chance you are hearing this right now. That’s what I tell Sirius, at least. I don’t think he talks to you as much, but he sings to you.”
He used to sing to me when I was little.
“ And James…fuck. He’s not good, Regulus.”
James?
“Okay…I could have sworn your eyelids just fluttered a bit. Regulus? Are you there?”
No.
“...open your eyes Regulus.”
I can’t.
“For your brother’s sake. For all of our sakes.”
For his sake, he wouldn’t. For his sake he crawled back into the darkness so he wouldn’t hear anymore.
….
“Dodo, goutte d'eau
Tout le long de la fenêtre
Dodo, goutte d'eau
Tout le long des carreaux”
…
There are other colors. Each one unique from the next. He recognizes some voices, others he cannot quite place.
He is nothing until someone brings him back to a sliver of something. He hears their cries, he hears their pleas, but the darkness always calls him back. And when there is nothing, there is no Regulus. And that seems like a nice thing to be.
He wishes he would stay in the nothing.
…
“Regulus.”
The voice comes out of the gold. The gold never speaks.
“Regulus,” it says again. “If you can hear me…I need you to listen.”
James.
“You’ve been holding on for so long. I know it must be exhausting.”
I am so tired, James.
“And even though we will all miss you.”
So tired.
“I will miss you. I will miss you so fucking bad Regulus. I will miss the way you roll your eyes at me everytime I tell a joke.
You are so stupid.
“I will miss bantering with you about Quidditch. I will miss catching your eye across the Great Hall and you giving me the bird when I wink at you.”
You are so annoying.
“ I will miss you. But if you need to go…if that will make all the pain go away.”
No more pain.
“It’s okay to let go
No more hurting.
“But before you go, I have to tell you-”
…only nothing.
“I love you Regulus. More than anything.”
…
“And I know you don’t love me back.”
James.
“But I have loved you for a long time now. I think it was during fourth year? After you made the Quidditch team. And I saw you fly and I had this thought that you were so beautiful. That’s when I started trying to talk with you. You were so mean, but it just made me want you more. Messed up isn’t it? To fall in love with someone who hates you.”
James, I don’t-
“I wish I could tell it to you here, whole and alive. I’d tell you everything, every moment that made me fall in love with you more and more.
James, I lo-
“I still can…if you come back to me.”
I can’t-
“Come back to me Regulus.”
The darkness tried to grab him, but Regulus didn’t want to go yet.
…
It was incredibly bright.
He had to blink a few times before the light settled and he could see the hospital wing around him.
James was sitting beside the bed, holding Regulus’s hand, tears slipping out of his closed eyes.
“James.”
His head shot up.
“Regulus?!?”
“I love you too.”