James POV
He knew something was wrong before he pushed open the door.
James wasn’t one to buy into all the “divination” crap that was spewed at him twice a week, but the feeling that something was wrong was so present during his Transfiguration that he practically fell out of his chair while asking if he could use the lavatory.
He felt the dread before he pushed open the door.
Before he saw the red stained floor.
Before he saw the body.
Before he knew who it was.
“Regulus Black.”
James turned to his best friend as a boy looking very similar to Sirius walked up to the sorting hat.
“Is that your brother?” he asked. Sirius rolled his eyes.
“Yeah, that’s Regulus.”
“You didn’t tell me that he was coming to Hogwarts this year”, James questioned as he watched the hat being lowered onto the younger Black. He looked like Sirius but his features were sharper, his eyes greyer and more alert. The hat touched his head before shouting out:
“Slytherin!”
Sirius groaned.
“That’s why I didn’t tell you. He’s a Slytherin, through and through alright. We won’t ever cross paths with him anyways.”
James watched as the boy got up from his chair, heading towards the table clad in green. It was intriguing how there wasn’t an ounce of nervousness in his expression; the rest of the eleven year olds showed at least a little anxiety about their new school. Regulus Black owned the air surrounding him.
In a sudden movement, the younger boy’s eyes traveled to the Gryffindor table, probably in an effort to spot his brother but instead locking with James Potter. The eleven year old held James’s gaze in an intensity that almost made James forget to breathe for a second. He tried to give the boy a smile. Regulus scowled and turned away.
Even at twelve, James only had one thought watching the dark curls walk towards his new housemates.
Beautiful.
Those dark curls damp with blood were all too familiar. James had stared at that back of the head across the great hall one too many times to not recognize them.
He heard the name rip out of his throat unwillingly.
“REGULUS!”
He stumbled over to him, barely making it in time to see Regulus's brilliant eyes roll back into his head before his eyes closed.
“No, no, no. Regulus, open your eyes. Open your eyes Reggie, c’mon.”
James acted on instinct, ripping off his own cloak to press to the younger boy’s throat. The blood immediately started seeping through the material, covering James’s hands. He let out a scream; “HELP! SOMEBODY HELP US!”
The door opened, small eyes peering in.
“GET A PROFESSOR, GET SOMEBODY!”
The child squeaked as the door slammed shut behind them.
It took entirely too long for someone to come, or maybe it was only seconds but James knew time was running out and that time was failing Regulus Black. Professor McGonnagal swept into the room, and James practically shouted at her.
“HELP HIM.”
She put her hand on James’s blood soaked one, removing his cloak from the wound. A sharp intake of breath was all she betrayed of any resemblance of emotion before she started muttering incantations. The wound tried to seal itself up, but even James knew it was going too slow. It tore itself open before one side could completely heal.
“James, we have to get him to the hospital wing, now. Can you carry him?”
James’s legs did not falter as he stood up, scooping up Regulus into his arms. He followed his professor out the door, practically sprinting alongside her down two flights of stairs. The adrenaline coursing through his veins wouldn’t allow him to feel the weight of Regulus straining on his arms.
James didn’t want to let go as he lay Regulus on a hospital bed, but he was shoved out of the way by Madam Pomfrey.
“Poppy, he’s losing a lot of blood and the wound is not-”
“Minerva, move. Let me work.”
The Headmaster appeared moments later, sweeping into the room faster than James had ever seen the elderly man move. A number of other professors appeared with him.”
“Poppy.”
“Headmaster I am trying.”
The matron was muttering a flurry of words, barking orders at the other adults to grab different salves and ingredients. James tried to peer over the shoulders, but he was being blocked from seeing him.
A stillness came over the matron, her fingers on Regulus’s pulse point.
“Is he dead?” James asked, and when he didn’t receive an immediate answer shouted again loudly, “IS HE DEAD?”
James pushed to get next to him again, to grab onto Regulus’s hand but a strong arm pulled him back.
“Professor, remove Potter!” Madam Pomfrey stated as the defense against the dark arts teacher wrapped his hands around his middle to stop him.
“REGULUS,” James shouted, but the only response he received was the quiet muttering of other adults. He heard a snippet of the nurse saying that something was wrong.
“Call Saint Mungo’s,” the headmaster replied.
James thrashed against the arms dragging him to the door.
“REGULUS.”
The door slammed shut behind them. James stopped struggling, crumbling on the edge of the unicorn fountain.
“James, we need to get you cleaned up.
James bolted up suddenly, almost knocking his head into the Defense teacher’s teeth.
“Sirius. I need to tell Sirius.”
“You don’t want to invite Regulus?”
The look on his best friend’s face soured.
“James, why the hell would I want to invite Regulus to my birthday party?”
“I don’t know…because he’s your brother? C’mon. You only turn fourteen once, don’t you want him there?”
“Not in the least bit. I’ve told you a million times mate, Regulus and I just don’t get on like that. You wouldn’t understand.”
James didn’t understand. Being an only child, James had wanted nothing more growing up than a sibling. He knew that Sirius’s home life was…absolute shit. But Sirius had never given a valid reason for hating Regulus other than Regulus being a Slytherin. Sirius was adamant, though, no matter how many times James suggested he talk to the younger Black, that he didn't want a relationship with him.
There was one time, however, that Sirius said something nice about his brother. The boys were laying around the dormitory in various degrees of readying for bed. Remus was practicing his violin, which his friends gave him grief for, but secretly liked unwinding to the soft music.
“I know this one,” Sirius said, half asleep. “Tristes sous leurs déguisements fantasques…”
Remus stopped playing. “You know the words to Clair de Lune?” Remus asked.
“Oui, I sang it to Regulus when he had trouble sleeping.”
That was the moment that told James to not give up on repairing the Black brother’s relationship. There was hope; you didn’t sing lullabies to comfort brothers you didn’t love.”
“James,” Lilly said, softly approaching where James was sitting against the common room sofa. “We should clean you up. Get you different clothes.”
James shook his head.
“I need to be here when Sirius gets back.”
“James. Sirius doesn’t need to see his brother’s blood again.”
James looked down, finally aware of the metallic smell permeating the splashes of brown on his grey sweater. Regulus’s blood. He slowly nodded, letting Lily take his hand and lead him up the boy’s dormitory to the washroom.
She sat him down on a stool, disappearing back into his room to return with a t-shirt and some jeans. She took off his glasses, setting them aside as she brought a warm washcloth to his face. She hummed softly as she did, wiping away the flecks James was unaware had speckled his cheeks. As she set the glasses back onto his face, she kissed his forehead.
“I am so sorry James. I am so sorry.”
He joined his friends minutes later in an uneasy silence as they waited for Sirius to return with news.
James hated waiting.
It seemed he was always waiting.
The air froze as the portrait hole swung open, and Sirius stepped inside. He had a blank look on his face. It told James nothing.
“Sirius?” Remus said.
“He’s in a coma.”
Sirius didn't offer anymore. Marlene asked what they were all thinking.
“Is that good or bad?”
Sirius sighed, “Both? The healers from St. Mungo’s…they are keeping him alive. But…but he doesn’t want to be.”
His voice cracked, and Remus wrapped his arms around Sirius’s shoulders. James felt he was going to be sick.
“He’s trying to die,” Sirius whispered, “I failed him. I failed him.”
“You couldn’t have known,” Marlene tried to reason.
“He’s covered in scars,” Sirius choked out. “Scars over scars. He had to have been hurting for years.”
And at that James did get sick.
Lily was at him in an instant, rubbing his back as he let out the contents he had for breakfast over the common room floor.
“I doubt he’s even good,” Sirius said as The Marauders trampled up the steps of the bleachers. “It’s not like he practiced when he was little like you James. We lived in London.”
“He must have some talent to be chosen as a seeker at thirteen,” James stated, “I mean he beat out much older Slytherins.”
“That means nothing, the Slytherins are rubbish,” Sirius scoffed, “We beat them by like 200 points last year.”
James hummed, but stayed silent. He loved his best friend, but oftentimes James found it easier to say nothing than get into an argument Sirius would refuse to lose.
They settled in a few rows back, chattering away as the spaces around them filled up with students. It was the first Quidditch match of the year and of course the whole school was going to show up.
Cheers erupted from the opposite side of the pitch as the green clad players emerged. Regulus was easily recognizable as the smallest of the bunch. Even from kilometers above, James knew that Regulus was calm; much different from James’s first match. The boy mounted his broom and kicked off with ease. He settled in a seeking position not far from where the Gryfinndors were sitting. James had to arch his neck a little to watch him.
James found himself focusing on the seeker more than the action packed moments between chasers and keeper. Unlike the Gryfinndor seeker, who was always on the move, Regulus stayed relatively in the same spot. James wished he would have brought his binoculars; he wished he could see whatever made the Slytherins confident this young boy would be a good addition to their team.
It was near the forty minute mark when Regulus finally made a move.
It was undetectable by those who hadn’t had their eyes on the Seeker, but James had been watching. One minute Regulus had cocked his head, and the next he was a green streak in the sky. Hufflepuff had no chance.
Regulus sat on his broom, holding up the glint of gold in his hand, the ghost of smirk on his lips. And all James could think over and over was beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.
He had to get to know him.
James was quiet.
Quiet had never been used to describe James Potter a day in his life. He came into the world screaming bloody murder and hadn’t stopped talking since.
But here in the hospital wing, looking at the shell of Regulus Black, James Potter could not find the words to say.
He visited when he knew Sirius wouldn’t be there, which was a feat in itself. If it wasn’t for Remus dragging Sirius to dinner, he was pretty sure Sirius would have refused to move from the chair beside his little brother’s bed.
There were many things that James wanted to tell Regulus.
He wanted to tell him how beautiful he was.
He wanted to tell him how sometimes talking to him was the best part of his days.
He wanted to tell him he loved him.
But he couldn’t get the words to leave his mouth. So instead he watched Regulus’s chest as it silently rose up and down in a steady rhythm; the only thing that was keeping James sane in this unbearable situation.
There was a bandage covering his neck now, hiding away the wound that Regulus had inflicted. It still seemed impossible that Regulus could have done it. Not Regulus; cool, calm, quick Regulus. It surely had to be somebody else sick in the brain that had tried to take Regulus from them.
But then James remembered what Sirius had said. Actually he couldn’t stop it from being engraved in his brain; destined to haunt him while he tried to sleep later that night.
James’s fingers brushed against the hem of Regulus’s sleeve. They had changed him into long-sleeved, stark white, hospital issued pyjamas. James gently moved the material a centimeter, seeing the edge of a long white scar. He abruptly pulled his hand away, feeling as if he was intruding on something secret to Regulus.
He didn’t touch him again.
Instead he buried his head in his hands, unable to stop the thought from burning him from the inside-out.
He had to have been hurting for years.
James saw the familiar black curls and couldn’t help the smile from ghosting his face.
“I’ll catch up to you in a bit,” James said to his friends. Sirius rolled his eyes.
“I don’t know why you even try. You know he hates your guts.”
“I know, but it is so entertaining to try and get him to smile.”
“How successful have you been?” Sirius mocked, “Oh right, never?”
“One of these days, just you wait,” James grinned, and started to jog away as Sirius shouted after him.
“See you later, ya knob!”
James’s grin didn’t leave as he approached the Slytherin. He was happy to see that Regulus was being accompanied by the Ravenclaw girl and not that unsettling Barty Crouch.
“Hi Reg.”
Regulus’s instant grimace did nothing to dissipate James’s mood. In fact, James could tell immediately by the look in Regulus’s eyes that he was actually in a pretty good mood this morning. There were some days where James could tell that Regulus would actually consider killing James if he tried to banter with him. But today, his eyes were light despite the furrowed eyebrows.
“Potter, I don’t know how many times I have to tell you that I don’t want to buy any of your drugs.”
“Well shit, how am I supposed to pay off my bookie, eh?”
“You’ll have to throw tomorrow’s match to satisfy your debts clearly.”
James laughed. “I think I’d rather sell my soul. And I don’t sell drugs,” he added towards Regulus’s friend. “Or gamble.”
“Pity, you’d be so much more interesting,” Regulus said drily. “It’s a good thing that I know you will end up screwing up on your own without even trying.”
James fell into step behind them, to Regulus’s dismay.
“I’m going to score twelve goals, just for you Reg.”
“Potter, you haven’t scored more than eight in one match your entire career.”
“Oh you’ve been counting?” James smirked.
“Yes, clearly I have your statistics recorded in my diary,” Regulus rolled his eyes, “I was making a generality, apologies I forgot I was speaking to someone who fails basic English exams.”
“Ouch. You don’t have to make it so personal,” James mocked, grabbing his heart. “You wound me Regulus. You actually are breaking my heart.
“Goodbye Potter,” Regulus said, grabbing Pandora’s arm to leave, but James saw the corner of his mouth twitch as they turned to leave.
That mouth twitch was going to keep James going for the next week.
The first day should have been the hardest, but as each sunrise failed to wake Regulus Black up, desperation settled thickly into the air.
James was falling apart.
If he made it to class, he spent the entirety of the hour slipping in and out of thoughts of Regulus waking up and of losing Regulus forever.
Many times he didn’t make it to class. He didn’t even make it into the hospital wing. Instead he sat outside on the ground, his head leaning on the cool stone of the unicorn fountain, staring at the doors and imagining that they would open and Regulus would walk out.
Remus was busy making sure that Sirius was getting his basic needs met, so Lily and Peter were in charge of James. Peter got him up in the mornings and into the shower. Lily got him to eat. James still skipped dinner every night to spend it with Regulus in the hospital wing. He sat until Madam Pomfrey informed him that the visiting hours were over. He would head back up to his dormitory, finding food waiting for him.
He lay at night, tossing and turning in uneasy fits of sleep and neverending nightmares until the sun rose again without Regulus Black in it.
There was a pounding at the door in the middle of the night. James crept down the stairs as his father pulled it open. His best friend stood there, dripping from the rain
“Sirius?” James jumped up. Sirius dropped a backpack on the ground.
“Hi.”
James’s mother appeared beside him. “Sirius, honey, it’s three in the morning. What are you doing here?”
“I…I left.”
The Potter family froze.
“Is the offer still…can I…?”
“Of course you can stay here,” Euphemia said quickly, taking the sopping wet boy in her arms.
“For how long?”
“Forever if you need it.”
James watched as Sirius heaved a heavy sigh and melted into his mother’s arms. James’s father went to prepare a bedroom, his mother ushering him into the sitting room before going to get him some fresh clothes.
James asked quietly. “Where’s Regulus?”
Sirius’s body tensed up.
“He…I didn’t…”
“You left him.”
Sirius looked at James, startled by the accusatory tone.
“He wouldn't have come. He would have stopped me; he would have told my father and then-”
Although Sirius’s words sounded unsure, James swallowed the rest of his questions. He knew what would have happened if Sirius’s father had found him leaving. Sirius would not have made it out alive.
James wrapped his arms around his best friend.
“I’m glad you left. You are safe here.”
Sirius nodded, but as he hugged him back, James couldn’t help but think of the other boy that had been left to deal with the damage caused.
James was unsure of what time it was. He had snuck to the hospital wing earlier, his cloak adorning his shoulders to avoid the worried looks from his friends. He took it off as he sat at the unicorn statue, not particularly bothered if a professor were to catch him out after curfew.
He couldn’t say it was entirely unexpected to see Sirius standing in front of him.
“James.”
“Hey Siri.”
“Couldn’t sleep?” Sirius asked, sitting down to join in James’s usual routine of staring at the hospital wing doors.
“No.”
“Nightmares?”
“Yeah.”
“Me too.”
When James didn’t elaborate further, Sirius continued talking.
“I keep having this one where Regulus is like four or five. And he’s in this lake and these hands are trying to pull him under. He is crying out for me, and I keep trying to jump in to save him, but my feet won’t move. And then he is gone and I am left screaming for him. Everytime I wake up from that one, I feel Reggie’s pulse just to calm me down.” Sirius closed his eyes, tears slipping from his eyes. James had never seen him cry before this week.
“I’m terrified that I won’t find it. That I will wake up, and he will be just gone like in my dream. I don’t think I will be able to survive without him, James.”
James knew the feeling.
“If he is going to…if he is going to die I just want him to know before he dies that I love him,” Sirius continued. “And I want him to know how sorry I am for everything. For leaving him. Do you think that Remus is right? That he can hear us?”
James laid his head on Sirius’s shoulder.
“I hope so,” James replied finally. “I really do.”
Sirius was silent for a beat, before saying almost inaudibly:
“I know you love him. I know you have loved him for years. I know you were angry that I didn’t take him with me.”
“I wasn’t angry.”
“You were.”
“I-I knew why you did. I wasn’t angry.”
“You should have been. I left him James. I left him. I knew what my parents were like.”
“They never had hurt Reg before,” James argued, “You told me they had never hurt him before.”
“I…they never hurt him…like they hurt me. They never beat him, or starved him, or-…but they were hard on him. He was perfect, he had to be perfect.”
Sirius bore the physical scars from his parent’s abuse, but it seemed that the mental ones were left on Regulus.
James took Sirius’s hand, squeezing it.
“If he comes back to us, we are forcing him to move into my house.”
He could feel Sirius smile, a small win.
“Will you give him the guest room? Where will your Aunt Lorna sleep?”
“On the couch where she belongs.”
Sirius laughed, and although it was small it was everything that both of the boys needed.
“He’s going to want to paint the walls black. Euphemia will have a heart attack.”
“She would love it if Regulus loved it. You know Mum.”
“Yeah.”
They stayed silent, each musing over what it would be like for Regulus to join them in the Potter household. But in the stillness, a wave of doubt crept over James. Regulus wouldn’t want to move in if he woke up; spending every day in the presence of James and Sirius. James would never ask something of Regulus that he wouldn’t want. And right now…Regulus didn’t even want to live.
Sirius got up, unable to spend any longer away from his brother. He offered James to join him, but James declined. Nights were for Sirius and his brother; it would feel rude to intrude.
James stayed by the fountain longer, lost in thought.
Regulus didn’t want to be there.
And James would never ask of Regulus something he wouldn’t want.
James was watching Regulus from across The Great Hall and he couldn’t shake the feeling that something was off.
He looked over, expecting to see Regulus laughing with his friends or hopefully looking in the general direction of the Gryffindor table so James could send him a wink. Even though Regulus almost always rolled his eyes or flipped him the bird, James loved seeing the subtle amusement in his face whenever he caught his gaze.
Regulus was doing neither of those things.
He was staring down into his plate; a plate that had very little on it. James saw something in Regulus that he had never seen before. He couldn’t quite place what it was, but it was unsettling.
“James, what do you think? Do you think that Morgan Tredeally is a better Keeper than Florian Mystee,” Sirius said.
“I don’t trust Potter’s judgement anymore than yours, Black!” Marlene scoffed.
James ignored them, focusing on Regulus as he got up from the Slytherin table, not a bite eaten on his plate.
“I’ll be back,” James said, “I need to ask someone a homework question.”
His friends, caught up in the argument, didn’t question him as he got up and walked briskly out of the Great Hall.
“Regulus,” he called out. The boy turned around, and James froze. There was a vacancy in his eyes that James had never seen on anyone before.
He didn’t say anything. No “Potter”, no “what do you want?”, not even a raised eyebrow.
“Are you…are you okay?”
“Why wouldn’t I be.”
It wasn’t a question. James was unsure how to proceed.
“I just-you left early. From dinner.”
“Yeah. I have stuff to do.”
“Oh. Okay.” James shuffled his feet on the ground. “See you around then?”
Regulus gave a small nod.
“Sure.”
And then Regulus was gone.
James was once again sitting in an empty hospital wing besides the matron in her office and the still boy beside him. Sirius had been dragged by Remus to the great hall, leaving James alone with his thoughts.
James reached out to take Regulus’s hand. It was cold from disuse, and he couldn’t help but move his thumb down to the boy’s wrist to feel the proof that his heart was still beating. As he did so, the sleeve of the hospital pyjamas they put him in slipped up, revealing a white scar against his already pale skin. This time James did not wrench his hand away; instead he traced it with the tip of his thumb.
You wouldn’t let it heal, James thought, you were hurting so bad, you needed a physical reminder.
The thought that had been plaguing James since the previous night came back to him. He wanted Regulus so badly to wake up; for his sake, for Sirius’s sake, for everybody who loved him. But they had been forgetting about Regulus's sake. Regulus had been in so much pain. He had been under so much pressure. And even though James desperately wanted Regulus to come back, he didn’t want Regulus to feel anymore pain.
James could be strong for him.
Even if it tore him apart.
“Regulus,” he said, the first words he had spoken in this hospital wing since he had carried Regulus there. “If you can hear me…I need you to listen.”
He took a shaky breath.
“You’ve been holding on for so long. I know it must be exhausting. And even though we will all miss you. I will miss you. I will miss you so fucking bad Regulus. I will miss the way you roll your eyes at me everytime I tell a joke.”
James was crying now, his hand still on Regulus’s wrist.
“I will miss bantering with you about Quidditch. I will miss catching your eye across the Great Hall and you giving me the bird when I wink at you.”
He could do this. He could be strong.
“But if you need to go…if that is what will make all the pain go away…it’s okay to let go.”
For Regulus.
“But before you go, I have to tell you: I love you Regulus. More than anything.”
James spilled it all out; how he fell in love with him and how he continued day after day for years.
“I wish I could tell it to you here, whole and alive. I’d tell you everything, every moment that made me fall in love with you more and more.”
In the end James was not as strong as he hoped.
“I still can…if you come back to me…”
He wanted to be strong for Regulus, to let him go. But every molecule of his body was screaming to get Regulus back. He gave one last desperate plea.
“Come back to me Regulus.”
……..
James lay his head on his arm, his hand moved to intertwine his fingers with Regulus’s cold ones.
And then they twitched.
“James.”
James’s head shot up. There were those eyes; those brilliant, beautiful, grey eyes.”
“Regulus?” he choked out.
“I love you too.”
“I….holy shit….Regulus? Am I dreaming this? Are you…? You heard me?”
Regulus gave a weak smile.
“I couldn’t die after hearing that you loved me.”
More emotions than James ever knew existed swelled up in his chest. He wasn’t even sure how to react. Regulus faintly squeezed his hand, and James’s tears turned into full on sobs. He hesitated to hug Regulus, but the boy muttered:
“Just hug me already dammit.”
James wrapped his arms around him, settling his chin in Regulus’s neck. He took a deep breath in.
“Can you say it again?” Regulus asked, “Just so I know I didn’t hallucinate it?”
“I love you Regulus Black. I love you. I love you.”
….
The first day Regulus was awake, James spent almost completely in the hospital wing. He was scolded for skipping classes by almost every professor, but managed to avoid getting a single detention.
He sat beside, or in, Regulus’s bed talking non-stop. James told him of every cherished memory he held of that made him fall in love.
“Really? You love the memory of me pouring my butter beer on you at Hogsmeade? That made you fall in love with me?”
“Yep. Only you would be bold enough to teach me such a public lesson.”
On the second day Regulus slept for most of it while James watched. He was terrified that he wouldn’t wake up again. But after a couple of hours, Regulus’s eyes blinked open and a soft smile would come to his face when he saw James.
On the third day Regulus was awake, James asked Regulus if he would move in. Regulus cried. James held him, whispering assurances he would never have to set foot in Grimmauld Place again.
On the fourth day they removed the bandage from his neck. It was finally starting to heal. James pressed his lips gently through the tears.
On the fifth day James saw the extent of Regulus’s arms. He kissed those too.
On the sixth day, as the sun rose in the morning, Regulus was released from the hospital. He was far from healed; he had appointments with Madam Pomfrey every other day to check in on his physical wounds. He had appointments via floo with a psychologist twice a week in the headmasters office to check in on his mental ones.
But as James walked past the unicorn fountain with Regulus’s hand in his own, he had hopes that Regulus would heal.
James would do everything he could to do it.