dorlene texting au

(Saturday, 12:13h)

hellooooo????

hi?

booooo

you have a new phoneeee

you suck

wow

get over it

what are you going to do

tell mom?

well, i might

then I'll tell her about how you snuck out last week to go see your friend

Kailey

Hailey

whatever her name is

the best sibling relationships are built on black mail and coercion I believe

you know it

wait

you're not smart enough to know that word

oh 

shit

no no, do go on

i am so sorry

hahshhaHah

oh god

i was trying to text my little sister

she just got a new phone, but apparently i got her number wrong

again, I'm so sorry

hahsh don't worry about it

this has been… entertaining to say the least

ahh and she kept yelling that she wasn't getting my msgs

now I know why

so

she was TELLING you that you had gotten the wrong number

and you just CONTINUED to bully a complete stranger

I SAID I'M SORRY

and i thought she was being an arse

it wouldn't be the first time

wow

just wow

sibling relationships amaze me

are you an only child?

yeah

that must be heaven

it gets lonely sometimes

but i bet you never had to literally wrestle someone to be able to watch tv

is that what is happening right now?

it is indeed

I'll let you to it

wish me luck

don't kill anyone

…

(Saturday, 12:56h)

i won

any victims?

my brother is trying to convince our mother that i hurt him unprovoked but i don't think she's buying it

well

did you?

did i what?

hurt him unprovoked

… it was provoked?

why is that a question?

I'm sensing judgment

oh no

I'm all for violence

you know what they say

it is the answer and all that

ha ha.

it was well deserved

because they were watching tv?

yes! exactly!

and it was more like hogging

as an older sister, i had to step in 

so you're the older sister?

well I'm

wait

you're a literal stranger

for all i know you could be a child predator

I'm not telling you shit

*you* messaged *me*

i.. good point

anyway

child predator or not, i have to go now

gonna go meet all the other child predators?

that is exactly what I'm going to do

how did you know

i had a hunch

haha alright bye

don't hurt any more of your siblings

no promises

don't prey on any small children

I'll try my best

…

(Tuesday, 10:24h)

hey

what's your sign

I'm trying to prove a point

uhhh

I'm a leo i think

you think?

i am pretty sure

huhh

HEY

got a problem with leos??

that is such a leo thing to say

and what is THAT supposed to mean

what is YOUR sign

I'm a Taurus  

i will now nod and pretend i know what that means

i am glad to see you're so knowledgeable on the matter

now i am going to say something that is relevant to the current subject

that is such a good point! 

I've never thought about it that way

thank you

i didn't go to the University of Astrology and All That Crystals Shit for nothing 

it shows

so??

so what?

was your point proven?

oh, yes

and your point was..???

you're so demanding today

suck my dick ❤️

my friend was saying that astrology is stupid and that it doesn't make sense

my point was that it does

and I'm not sucking any dicks, that's disgusting

how did me being a leo help you prove your point?

and i don't have a dick, that's why it's funny when i tell someone to suck it

it helped because you are the most leo to ever leo, so i showed them that 

I've been doing the same with all the people we know

this has been going on for a week 

so far he won't admit I'm right, but i think he does feel a little impressed

and that *is* actually funny if you don't have a dick

for a moment i thought you were a total creep

what are your pronouns?

LMAO the whole investigation just to prove a point

that is so petty

but i love the commitment to the bit

i can *still* be a creep, don't get comfortable

and my pronouns are she/her

what are yours?

being pretty is a character trait atp

petty**

well, that too 

thanks for the warning, i will never feel comfortable in your presence ever again

and i go by she/they

what a coincidence, pretty petty girls (girls?) are exactly my type

and I'm glad to hear that, sleep with one eye open

yes, i am a girl

course enough, anyway

and that was flattering but don't try to flirt with me in the same breath you threaten my physical integrity

why not???

it's hot

hey officer! it's this one, right there

arrested for the crime of being too good for these people

punished for a crime she never committed :(

HA HA

bitch

gone too soon :(

didn't YOU call the cops on me???

i never claimed to be a good person

hey officer! it's this one, right there

the one with the tumblr sad quotes!

we're not doing this again

*ducks behind a curtain*

*ducks behind the curtain with you*

*seductively* soo what brings you here?

oh for fuck's sake

*ducks out from behind the curtain*

aaand the cops got you

you're relentless

what happened to me being a child predator?

i figured no child predator would stand for this much nonsense

actually i don't know how you haven't blocked me yet

well, i have spent the last week overanalyzing the personalities of all the people i know in order to prove that astrology is a reliable science

so I guess we are both just as annoying

HEY

i never said anything about annoying

*pointed silence*

ok true

but i am hot too

and i believe that statement

suck. my. dick.

anytime ;)

…

(Wednesday, 9:45h)

hey

does your friend still not believe in astrology?

unfortunately, he's very stubborn

why are you asking?

because i have two friends, one is a pisces and the other is a scorpio

ooohh pisces and scorpios are very compatible

THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING

these two friends are dating

and they're disgusting together

disgusting here meaning they're perfect for each other and single handedly made me believe in the existence of soulmates

WOW

that is so cute omg

love that sm

ok yes but ew sappy

whatever, it serves my purpose

astrology wins again

woohoo

take that, stranger that lives in my phone's friend

oh that's sad

hahsha fr

my reputation is suffering a slow and painful death

what reputation

HA HA YOU ARE SO FUNNY suck my dick HILARIOUS HA HA HA

ik ik

how did you know about scorpios and pisces?

oh

well, after you told me about astrology, i read a bit about it

it is quite interesting 

it is

mhm yeah

well I'm glad i converted another person to a life of paganism and sin

i was already a gay sinner before you got your hands on me, don't try to take all the credit 

i put my hands on you? 🤭

NO *I* PUT MY DICK IN YOUR MOTHER

BWHDJS WHAT

SORRY I PANICKED

you're so smooth

mhm *cough* ahem 

thank you

…

(Wednesday, 13:45h)

there has been progress

who asked?

shut up!

there has been progress

you found the person who asked?

i said *progress*

you're not letting it go until i ask, are you?

god dammit you learn slow

p r o g r e s s 

HELL JUST TELL ME WHAT IT IS

oh, since you asked so nicely

BARTEMIUS SAID THE V WORD

i have so many questions, but first of all

what is a bartemius 

oh I'm telling him you said that

telling who?

bartemius

oh so that's a person

do his parents hate him or something?

it's complicated 

um....i see

and the v word??

v for virgo

barty is that one guy i was trying to convince that astrology is real

and he just made a (correct may i add) astrology joke 

soon he'll start carrying crystals in his pockets 

I'm glad your devious ways have found a new victim

i am so glad too

panda thinks we should give him a cookie every time he makes a correct astrology reference, so we can condition him into doing it more often

do any of your friends have normal names?

and also, panda sounds terrifying

panda is short for Pandora and they use she/they

barty goes by he/him

and my name is worse, but don't ask

if you tell me I shouldn't ask, yk I'm going to ask

don't?

what's your name?

nop

I'm a child predator, remember?

ok, but i am not a child predator

so you're safe

you can tell me

that sounds suspiciously like what a child predator might say, though

but I'm not the child predator here?

how can we be sure

i mean, I'm pretty sure i would know

would you??

omg would i????

that's what I'm saying

what if I've been a child predator subconsciously all my life?

thank god I'm here then

thank our lord and saviour

speaking of saviours, i need to rescue my friend from being talked to

brb

i.. sure???

…

(Wednesday, 14:13h)

that was a close call 

what happened?

oh, nothing much

my friend was being dramatic

and i could tell by the look on his face that he was seconds away from murder so i had to intervene

i think he has a crush, but he's not ready to admit it yet

…your friends terrify me a little

don't let them hear that, they would be proud to know

of course they would

what about your friends? anything scary?

not at all, they're all a bunch of losers

lovely

there's lily, who's super smart

out of our group she would be the brains

i would be the brawn, because I'm strong and will punch a guy if needed (and if not needed too, any excuse is a good excuse to make a man cry)

and Mary would be the beauty

she's pretty?

so pretty

and not only that, she's kind, and she's wicked smart, like genius-smart

and so funny

it's crazy because she doesn't even know it

she's the greatest out of any of us and she still lets people treat her badly and it just makes me feel so frustrated

i get what you mean

it's hard to make them understand they deserve better

RIGHT

i don't know how to tell her anymore

you already have

ig sometimes people have to figure things out for themselves

oh i can't do that

i can't just let it be and hope it will work itself out

same tbh

but you can't always make things right

I had to learn that the hard way 

but, as sad as it is, not every broken thing can be fixed

no, but they can be mended

that's a nice way of seeing it

I guess

oh and, my friends, they both go by she/her

oh, thanks, i was about to ask

no problem

it's nice to talk to someone who doesn't question it

it's not that hard to not be a complete asshole

the amount of assholes that I've encountered in my life would beg to differ

we should extinguish them

i like the way you think

ok, favorite asshole story, go

oh oh uhmm

well, there was this guy in my class at the beginning of the year

and i wanted to make friends, so i talked to him

he kept flirting with me very unsubtly, to the point where he was just embarrassing himself

i bet he thought he was being smooth

he probably did

so, to end both of our suffering, i told him i only like girls and that he was barking up the wrong tree

and then, this man had the AUDACITY to tell me he hadn't been flirting

this happened through text, mind, so only good manners stopped me from pulling out receipts

fuck good manners

i can't tell you how many times I've thought that exact same thing 

but no, instead i told him that we could still be cool and maybe be friends

he hasn't spoken to me since

sounds like he was a little too hurt by the rejection for someone who wasn't flirting

RIGHT ISTG

alright, now you go

i need to laugh at someone else's misery

hmm

oh well, this didn't happen to me, but it's still a good asshole story

so there was this guy

i already don't like him

i wish my friend had had the same foresight

anyway, so my friend doesn't really go by their birth name, and so he told him that and told him the name that he prefers to be called by

all very well explained and chill

and this man straight up goes "I'm going to call you by your legal name, that's your name, you need to accept it"

NO WAY

HE DID

my friend was flabbergasted, of course

bc the guy wasn't even being an asshole about it, he probably thought he was being funny and original

ugh

men

ik

but please put a trigger warning next time

oh I'm sorry

tw

m*n

thank you

anytime

…

(Thursday, 16:34h)

one question

what are your moon and rising signs?

my what

moon and rising signs

no, yeah, i can read

i was just hoping you'd explain literally anything at all?

what's there to explain?

…

anyway

so how's your day?

oh whatever

but I will find out someday

I'm… afraid? of that?

it's an astrology thing

believe it or not, my poor overworked brain cells managed to put that together 

but they didn't think of googling it?

the same way your strong hardworking brain cells didn't think of just explaining whatever the hell a rising moon sign is

moon sign and rising sign

it's two different things

oh then everything makes sense

absolutely do not clarify anything more

GIVE ME A SECOND MAN

your moon sign is the sign of the zodiac that affects your emotions and the stuff that you usually keep to yourself

and the rising one is the opposite

oh i see

and what was your question?

WHAT ARE YOUR MOON AND RISING SIGNS

OK OK RIGHT

THEN TELL ME THEM

DON'T STRESS ME OUT

THEN STOP STALLING

SEE, THE THING IS THAT I WOULD

BUT???

BUT I DON'T KNOW WHICH THEY ARE

you're completely useless 

HEY

I'm good at many things

oh?

don't you oh me like that

why not?

because two can play this game

but who will win?

i think we both know the answer to that

oh, we do

it's me, i would win

for obvious reasons

those reasons being?

that i am extraordinary, clearly 

you're such a textbook leo it hurts

you are aware that i still don't know what that means right?

didn't you read up on it?

yeah but i didn't write a fucking encyclopedia on it

shame

you should get on that

but of course

excuse me while i go do exactly that

you may be excused 

why, thank you, your highness 

you're so gracious

i know

…

(Thursday, 18:09h)

are you writing it?

*adjusting the cucumber slices over my eyes* of course 

…

(Friday, 08:23h)

have you converted your friend yet?

I'm invested at this point

hey hi

no, sadly

panda tried sneaking some crystals into his bag, but she got caught :(

aww that's a shame

maybe you could trick him into wearing one?

how do you mean?

if you give him a necklace with a crystal pendant and then pretend it's for the aesthetic maybe he'll wear it

that is actually.. a good idea

no need to sound so surprised

shut up shut up

I'm plotting

you're so sweet and grateful

…

(Friday, 10:02h)

any updates?

YES, we have a plan

and what would that be?

panda and i have sneaked out of school today and guess where we're headed

to the strip club

close

we're going to the crystal shop !!

to buy some witchy things?

yes

we have to stock up on our exorcism equipment

and also find a pendant for our friend bartemius

that name will never not be a jumpscare

i know, we tell him constantly

oh panda wants to say hi

oh ok

hi panda !!

hiiii

hii hahah

ok that was it

she literally just wanted to say hi

i

well she certainly said hi

she's efficient like that

…

(Friday, 10:46h)

[📷 I cannot figure out for the life of me how to put pictures in here so I will use my big girl words. basically it's a photo of a crystal shop. very pretty.]

[📷 then, a lot of pretty, whimsical rings in a shop display. that wasn't so hard, was it?]

ohhh wow

i knowww they have so many

this is what heaven is like

the have so many rings too 

my wallet is crying

do you 

usually wear rings?

[📷 photo of dorcas' hand. it's got some artistically chunky rings that look completely gorgeous]

yep

oh

I'd like to wear more more often but I'm afraid i might lose them

…

(Friday, 10:50h)

pandora: STOP FLIRTING AND HELP ME OUT

SHUT UP PANDA

I'M NOT FLIRTING

pandora: …. rightttt

i think she likes my rings

pandora: but you're definitely not flirting 

people think you're so kind but you're actually such a sarcastic bitch

pandora: and people think you're mean when really you're just a softie <3

hey wtaf !! I'm not a softie

pandora: remind me again how many rose quartzs you have on your person right now…?

that's irrelevant

pandora: right

pandora: want to come and help me choose a pendant now?  

ugh alright

where are you?

pandora: just upstairs

this place has a second floor??

pandora: i KNOW it's great

omw

…

(Friday, 11:02h)

we want to get one of these

 [📷 photo of a few pendants on display. there's some pink ones, some blue, some green and some white]

but we don't know which

hmm take the pink one

the rose quartz?

yes?

okay

…

(Friday, 13:36h)

the pendant has been bought

omg and did it work?

we didn't even give it to him yet, hold on

you're still not back at school?

…...

it's been hours???

….and?

oh nevermind

so tell me

what's the plan exactly

we give it to him

..that's it?

yeah

that's weak

he's not going to fall for it

you underestimate how stupid he is

you speak so highly of your friends

you speak so highly of your siblings

that's different

how so?

siblings are meant to hate each other

it's biology

well i was assigned bitch at birth, so this is also in my nature 

abab

you can hurt

you can jibe

having the time of your lifee oooh

see that bitch

watch that scene

being a fucking prick

what?

abba???

you're insane

thanks 

…

(Saturday, 11:37h)

you knowthose movies where they show the older siblings being loving and taking care and protecting their younger siblings?

they lied, they fucking lied

older brothers are a nightmare and now, if you'll excuse me, i need to go commit some crimes

i… should i be worried?

yes :)

oh, good

what about, exactly?

murder

amongst other things

fun

should you be telling me this?

you won't snitch

how can you be sure though?

if you snitch, I'll tell the police you're a child predator

my lips are sealed

goody!!

now I just need to find that little bitch

what did he do?

in short,

tell something he shouldn't to someone he shouldn't

oh god

you *are* an actual murderer

am i next? is that it?

no way

you're too pretty for that ;)

i shouldn't feel flattered

think about it this way, not everyday a serial murderer compliments you ;)

YOU'RE A SERIAL ONE NOW?? 

not yet

wait until I get a hold of my brother

oh god

should you even be texting me rn? 

yes, darling, you're my alibi

if the police asks, i was talking with you all evening 

oh here he is

brb

good luck 

…

(Saturday, 19:58h)

fucking fucking idiot

he's so fucking stupid

short-sighted unemphatic brainless asshole 

es que me cago en la puta que lo parió un mal día joder

well no, that's my mother

oh no 

fuck fuck

sorry

i meant to text lils

it's alright 

i get it didn't it go well?

oh, how could you tell?

just your overall cheeriness

ha

what happened?

nothing just

that he's stupid

we've covered that, yeah

he told one of his asshole friends that I'm gay

oh

and the asshole friend thought it was fucking hilarious

so he told the whole school so they could all have some laughs about it 

i was already out

but it's been a while since I've had to deal with that many comments

i thought people didn't care anymore

oh I'm so sorry

that must have been horrible

i understand your murderousness from earlier

it's okay 

I'm cool now

it'll blow over

it's not okay

i would personally like to kick that guy in the balls myself

oh i already did

wait until he recovers before going again

that way he'll suffer longer, good thinking

thank you

but seriously, I'm so sorry

it's not your fault

i know, but i don't think anyone at fault has apologized to you so this is the least i could do

oh

thanks

no, my brother didn't really see the problem, since i had already come out and everything

it's still not okay

yeah

i may like being the center of attention but not like this

i get that :(

my friends were lovely about it though

i got to see mary slap a guy who thought himself a comedic genius so that was fire

mary? kind mary?

the very same

we didn't think she had it in her

she's usually the one preventing fights, not starting them

she seems to really love you

oh

oh, i mean, of course

we're best friends 

we've always been close but it's never been like that

people talk sometimes but we're not together

it's not like that

we're just really good friends

hmm yeah yeah i get it

I'm the same with panda

you guys seem close

yeah

no homo though

hahsha

yeah

soo tell me something nice

hmm

well, i got detention

for sneaking out

but that's not really nice

oh, no

that *is* nice

i thrive on other people's suffering

psychopath

witch

i take that as a compliment

of course you do

speaking of

we gave barty the pendant

ohh? and?

he was wearing it at dinner today

oh wow i didn't think it would work

it did

now we just give it a little time before we point it out and then laugh in his face

you're so kind to him

I'm doing this for his own good

he needs some cleansing

and an exorcism, but we'll start with the cleansing

hshssh ay por el amor de dios

that again

you speak italian?

HAHSHAHAHA ITALIAN??

what?? it's not?

it's spanish, darling

oh, well, they're close

they are, to be fair

but yes, i do speak spanish

my family is from argentina 

we go there every summer and my grandparents only speak spanish so i learnt some

that's so cool

is it?

it's very cool

i wish i spoke spanish

debería ser fácil para alguien inteligente como vos 

…

(Saturday, 20:15h)

awwww you think I'm smart?

what? how?

ah

google translate, dear

yeah, got that

shit

i didn't think that through 

not all of us can be smart

smartarse

"smart"arse 😍

i would say not to let it go to your head but I'm afraid it's too late for that

way too late

enjoy your detention.

snappy

good night

good nightt

…

(Monday, 10:23h)

I've been asked by three different girls if i have a crush on them

it's 10 in the morning

this is a personal record

oh god

they could at least be original

spice it up with some "do you want to sniff my underwear?" or maybe some "do you have a crush on MY MOM?"

i would always say yes to that last one

moms are hot

oh my god

are you okay??

no, yeah, I'm fine

I've decided it's funny

i.. sure

it's also kind of exciting

will i be burned at the stake?

will they kick me out of the football team?

will the hot single moms in my area come for me??

it sounds like you're having fun

so much fun

hmm

but seriously, are you good?

yeah

now the honest answer?

I'll be fine mom

you say that like i should be offended but you just admitted to being attracted to moms so idk

you keep talking about your friend being in need of cleansing but you need a fucking lobotomy

I'm swooning

good god

close, it's just me

fucking hell

that's the one

i can't even swear anymore??

no

I'm invincible

me cago en la concha de tu madre<3

…

WHAT ABOUT MY MOM'S WHAT