Spiral
James wasn't sure how much time had passed since he hung up the phone with Sirius, what he did know was that he had to talk to Regulus. He had to explain that it was all a huge misunderstanding; because there was no universe in which James would ever have been disloyal to Regulus. Not when Regulus was the one person who made him feel completely normal, who every time he looked at him it was like coming up for a breath of fresh air after almost drowning. James was undoubtedly head over heels in love with Regulus Black, and he would do everything in his power to ensure that Regulus knew the truth. What truly bothered him was the fact Regulus could even think that there was so much as a miniscule possibility that James would ever even think about being disloyal, where had he gone wrong? Did he not show Regulus how much he loved him every day. Was it not enough? Had he unknowingly been lacking in some way? He must have otherwise Regulus would have felt as if he could come to him, to voice his concerns. Slowly he leaned forward and picked his phone back up and went to the contacts, he took a deep breath to steady himself as he scrolled slowly through until he reached Regulus name, and he pressed the call. Deep down he prayed Regulus would answer even as he knew how unlikely that was.
Regulus was stubborn, and so headstrong that when he made his decisions it was like trying to move a mountain with your bare hands to even get him to see another point of view but over the last few months James had seen those defensive walls Regulus had built up slowly lowering. Allowing Regulus to be softer, to accept that he wasn't always right and that it was okay to be wrong sometimes. And James hung to that hope as he brought the phone to his ear. It barely rang twice before going to voicemail, of course Regulus didn't answer. He had expected it but that didn't mean it didn't sting any less as he realized Regulus had seen his name on the screen and declined the call without so much a second of hesitation. He wasn't sure how to feel, at least he hadn't just let it ring but as he thought this he wondered if it would have hurt more or less than the blatant rejection.
He stared down at his phone stuck in his thoughts before deciding to send him a text asking if they could talk, if he could explain. He sat completely still and watched as the message was delivered, and then as it was read. He held his breath as he stared unblinkingly at the screen before he realized once again, he was being ignored so he sent another that read "Please Reg, it's not what you think it is. I swear, I could never." Again, he watched as it was read and slowly the tears started to fall as he sent one last text "I know right now you might not believe me when I say this, but I love you. I love you so much."
He has no clue how long he stared down at his phone but eventually he laid it onto the table face down as he left the room. He truly had no clue what to do and it felt as if he couldn't breathe properly and all he wanted was for Regulus to be here and to know the truth, that truth being that James loves him deeply. That there is nothing going on between Lily and himself, gods the media truly was fucking him over here. Lily is a great friend, and she's actually agreed to join the Marauders band on their newest album finally. His mind felt like it was on fire, yet his body was being drug under water and he couldn't swim back up, it was all so overwhelming because what was he supposed to do? He found himself walking past his bedroom and further down the hall to his in-home studio heading straight to the desk full of journals and pens that were never organized. He felt as if he had no control over his own body, as if he was standing above, it just watching as he sat down and stared at the journals in front of him. His hand reaching over and grabbing the journal closest to him and then a pen; it was as if there were no thoughts in his head other than the deep agony that was so imbedded in his veins, his blood, his bones and his soul and before he could even realize what was even really happening as his hand was moving across the page as the ink bled into the paper below him. His scratchy handwriting filled the page with words that he didn't even know if he could speak out loud in this moment, sometime later he slowed and stared down at the words that were staring back at him from the page as if shouting to be noticed by him.
It clicked in his mind that he hadn't just written about the last week but the last few years, how he'd felt before he knew Regulus. Back to when he was stuck within himself and constantly spiraling. It was in this moment he knew, the way to get his side across to Regulus was to make this writing into a song that the band could publish. But first he had to take these small and agonized words and make them into something beautiful. He pulled a new journal over to himself and began to write slowly and calculatingly taking bits and pieces from his earlier writings, it all came easily to him because this was for his Regulus, his star.
"For a while there it was rough. But lately I've been doing better than the last four cold decembers, I recall. And I see my family ever month. I found a boy my parents would love." As he stared at the first few words, he knew that if Regulus heard this, he would know it was for him, because before James had Reg, he hadn't been okay. Everyone may have thought he was, but he wasn't he was lost, lost so far from the person he was but he knew how to hide that. Hide it from everyone but Regulus, he could see right through James. With that thought in mind he began writing again slowly as his tears felt like they might start to fall "Oh I hope I don't lose you. Please stay. I want you. I need you, oh gods. Don't take these beautiful things that I've got. Please stay. I want you. I need you, oh gods. Don't take these beautiful things that I've got." The words felt as if they were being ripped from his heart as he wrote and he knew that this was it. This is what he needs to do, whether Regulus will actually listen to it once it comes out is beyond him, but this is the only thing he feels like he can do without barreling into Regulus's home or job, especially unwanted right now? That wouldn't go so well so this is what he needed to do. But how would James explain to Sirius, Remus and Peter that he wanted to publish this song before they worked on their album with Lily Evans without explaining what Regulus and he had. That's when it hit him that he would have to tell them all about them, he was terrified of how they would react especially Sirius but if this could get Regulus back? Then it was worth it. To James it was worth it, no matter the consequences that would evidently follow. With the song mainly finished and the determination to do everything to fix this he got up grabbing the journal and rushing from the room, he raced to the kitchen and grabbed his phone before going to his front door slipping on his shoes and grabbing his keys. He left instantly no hesitation and no extra thought as he began his race over to Remus and Sirius's flat. It had to be done now if he had any chance to fix things and hopefully win Regulus back.