Only True Redwall Fans Will Understand These
Q: What do you call a Redwall villain who's "almost paranoid?"
A: An amateur.
On one side of a venn diagram: The United States
On the other side of a venn diagram: Russia
In the middle: Appreciating the Redwall series
The Virgin Vizka Longtooth:
-Regular size
-Captain of one (1) measly pirate ship
-Never gets laid
-Only known family is a dumbass little brother who gets himself killed early on
-Has pretentious golden fur and an outfit so boring that Jacques doesn't even bother describing it
-Doesn't have a catchphrase, just a stupid smile
-Obsessed with some badger kid named Gorath
-Drinks sub-par grog and eats whatever gross slop his ship's cook can come up with
-Needs to do careful politicking to maintain control of his rebellious crew
-Sails up the River Moss towards Redwall Abbey after a life on the open ocean and gets himself and his whole crew killed within days of showing up
-Literally can't pose the slightest threat to Redwall without getting Kurdly's horde to help him -- and then when he gets that help, he still loses disastrously
-Has his spine snapped "like a dry twig" by Gorath
The Chad Gruntan Kurdly:
-Absolute unit (probably comparable to Cluny and the Gloamer in height but significantly heavier)
-Warlord of the third- or fourth-largest horde in the series
-Has a harem of big female rats that "hover around, rendering him every attention" and help carry him around on a litter, plus at least four daughters (the most offspring of any Redwall villain except Silth)
-Dyes his fur every color of the rainbow, and wears a belt with the skulls of his enemies hanging from it
-Threatens to give people "a dose of the Kurdlys"
-Literally doesn't know who any of the protagonists are or what a badger is, and doesn't care
-Eats nutritious egg-based meals every day
-So respected/feared/loved by his horde that none of them even consider trying to kill him; in fact, they're so reliant on his leadership that when he dies most of them have no idea what to do without him
-Has been running amok in Mossflower Wood for at least a few seasons before the beginning of Eulalia!, and has become such a problem that the local otters are scared to leave their house
-Poses an actual credible threat to all of Mossflower despite putting in barely any effort
-Never loses a fight to any heroic warrior or rival villain, because he's so tough that only a swan can take him down