Invisible String

October 5

The dormitory is dark, as usual. Its seven o’clock and I have just enough time to hop in the shower before breakfast.

There aren’t any real windows in the dungeons, so its always cold and damp, so I put my slippers on before walking into the bathroom. Emmeline isn’t here, so I assume she already went to breakfast for something.

The only warm thing in my dorm is my blankets and the steaming hot water form the shower. There’s condensation on the mirror, which means Emmeline also had a shower.

After making my bed I grab my bag and pack all my books in and I make my through the common room all the way to the great hall.

The day is long, and I find it hard to sit through all my classes because I keep thinking about things i’ve never thought about before. Do I like a girl? And do I want to kiss her?

But finally school ends and Me, Evan and Barty chill in my dorm. We had already drunk two flasks of firewhisky before Regulus finally decides to join us.

“Hey.” He says walking through the door, and then walking straight past us an into the bathroom to look at himself in the mirror.

I can see his reflection frowning at him and he walks back to us and lays down on my bed.

“What’s wrong with you?’’ I ask.

“Defence Against the Dark Arts.” He says then covering his eyes with his arm, even though its already pretty dark in the dorm because none of the lights are on.

He doesn't elaborate, so I dont know if he means a detention or homework.

Even brings out another flask of fire whiskey. I really don’t know where he keeps getting them from.

“How many of those do you fucking have Rosier!?” I says sarcastically. He hands it to me smiling, without saying anything.

After I take a swig, I tap Reg with the flask, “want some sleepy head?” I ask. 

He takes his arm off his face to see what i’m talking about. He sits up and takes a drink, “thanks.” He says. 

After a while I feel a little tipsy, and I can feel a question brewing in my mind. “How dodo you know if you like someone?” I ask. These boys are defiantly the wrong people to ask for advice but I asked it anyways.

“Who d’you like?” Evan says looking away from Barty.

“Is it that McKinnon girl?” Barty says so fast and leaning to the side of Evan so he can see me.

“Uhm, actually never mind.” I say, deciding that it was a bad idea to bring it up. Now they’re never going to put this down. They’re going to use it as leverage. 

Regulus starts laughing, “You fucked up” he says pointing at me in between his laughter.

Evan gasps, “omg it Is Gryffindor Mckinnon.”

“No” I say, although I can feel myself start to blush.

No I don’t.

I can’t.

I won’t.

*

After lights out, I lay in my bed hopelessly trying to sleep. Im still drunk from earlier so that’s not helping too much either. Emmeline is quiet in her bed so I assume she’s fallen asleep and I decide its no use.

After searching for my slippers in the dark, I grab my wand from the window sill where I had left it.

“Lumos.” I say and the tip of my wand lights up. I pull on my robe and open the door quietly so I don’t wake up Emmeline. 

Its dark in the common room and everyone had gone to bed so it was empty. I considered just sitting on one of the sofas and reading a book until one of the portraits stared talking to me. 

No.

There’s many, many stairs leading up to the astronomy tower, but eventually I make it. No one else is here. Thank Merlin. The top of the tower is cold in the Autumn breeze but I sit away from the windows so there’s no breeze passing by me, And wrap my robe around me to keep me warm.

The cold air is sobering me up. I don’t want that so I pull our a flask of fire whiskey and take a long swig. Its warm and cold at the same time as I feel it fall through my throat and into my stomach.

Why did I tell Barty and Evan?

Now they’re never going to stop talking about it. 

Do they know about Regulus and Potter?

I don’t like Marlene McKinnon.

You sure?

I don’t.

Then why are you always thinking about her?

Shut up.

What’s wrong with wanting to kiss a girl?

Everything.

My parents would disown me, even though they already want to.

So what’s holding you back?

Ill have no where to go.

They don’t have to know.

But I don’t want to be queer.

So your homophobic.

No. I just don’t want ME to be queer, plus i’ve never thought about a possibility that I could be queer.

I take another drink. To hopefully shut that fucking voice up. Im fighting with myself. Who pathetic.

What if that ‘fucking voice’ is right.

“FUCK OFF!” I say out loud this time, before drowning myself in another mouthful of fire whiskey.

And its silent. Finally.

The stone wall is cold but I lean against it anyway and close my eyes.

I just want to be normal.

I just want to live without thinking about her.

But you can’t.

Fuck off.  I say, in my head this time. 

*

I must have drifted off at some point but I can’t quite remember. Im still in the same spot, leaning agains the cold stone wall. The sun is peaking from behind the mountains, so I get up, put the lid back on my flask, which I didn’t do last night and head down the hundreds of stairs leading up to the astronomy tower. 

Thankfully its not cold enough yet for them to be icy.

“Where were you?” Emeline asks as I walk into the dorm to get ready for breakfast.

“The library. I wanted to get some extra work done.” I lie.

She shrugs and walks into the bathroom to brush her hair.

I walk in too to brush my teeth and tie my braid up out of my face.

Not long after, Panda walking into my room and starts making my bed.

“Hey you know you don’t have to do that.” I say holding my hair tie in my mouth while I pull my braids into a ponytail.

“I can see that you’ve had a tough night.” She says looking at me with her sweet smile, and continues puffing up my pillows and placing them at the head of my bed.

She’s just sitting down in the chair next to my dresser when the boys march into my room too.

Evan and Barty lie on my freshly made bed, and Regulus just leans against a wall.

“Done.” I say walking out of the bathroom.

“Finally” Evan and Bray say in unison jumping off my bed.

They’re smirking at each other all the way through the dungeons and out of the castle.

The carriages are waiting for us at the gates, with the thestrals ready to pull them along the road. “Beautiful creatures they are.” Panda says climbing into the first carriage. 

“Not so beautiful when you think of why we can all see them.” I says with a blank face.

Everyone is silent for the ride to Hogsmeade. Towns busy, as it usually is on weekends.

I need sugar. I say, and we all make our way to Honeydukes. The shop’s small, and there’s at least twenty people in there, I push my way through the crowds and Regulus comes with me, the others wait outside.

I swear I can here Reg whisper, “Barty and Evan are up to something, watch out. But i’m not sure because when I look at him, he’s picking up a bag of chocolate and inspecting it as if its poison.

I don’t say anything about it and I walk up to the counter to purchase my things.                      

The bell rings as we step out of the shop and none of us really want to buys anything else so we walk away from town into a nice grassy area surrounded by trees and we settle down, Evan practically sits on Barty. Are they gay too? Never mind.

Pandora sits next to me, and Reg next to her.

Were all pretty hung over, except Panda. I pull out a joint I put in my pocket earlier and light it with my wand. 

We all pass it around till there’s only the filter left.

I can see the cloudy sky as I lay down on the grass, the sun though still bright doesn’t have any summer warmth left.

My eyes close and I allow all my thoughts to slip away, for now at least.

*

The Three Broomsticks is packed when we arrive. Pushing ourselves through the door and past the cloud was a challenge, but we situated ourselves in an empty table in the far corner of the shop.

Me and Reg were eating our sweets when everyone decides what they want to drink, Evan and Barty volunteer to order all the drinks at the bar. It takes them a while to come back with the drinks, but at last they arrive with 5 glasses of butter beer balanced on their hands.

“Five butter beers for you my dears.” Evan says with a fake posh accent. Which we all giggle at and take our drinks. 

There’s not much to talk about as we hang out together almost everyday, and we’re all still pretty high.

Although Evan and Barty seem to be giggling and looking at each other a lot more often than usual.

They act like two seven year old girls who just found out that they got a new barbie house.

“Dorcas, are you alright, you seem a bit off?” Panda says in a light whisper.

“Hmh?” I say snapping back into reality.

“Are you ok? You seem dazed.” She says again.

“Oh. Uh im high?” I reply.

I don’t need to tell her the truth, i’m sure she already knows.

 Her and Evan, although twins, are nothing alike apart form looks.

Before I know it my glass is empty and I look around the table to see if the others have finished theirs. Yes.

I also notice Evan and Bart have been gossiping for a while now, but they’re whispering so I can’t quite hear what they’re saying. 

The bell on the door rings as someone walks in, as instinct I turn around to see who it is.

Fuck.

I turn back around to only be met with Barty and Evans evil smiles.

No.

I put my head in my hands and lean on the table. “Im going to fucking kill. The both of you tonite.”

I try not to listen but they call her over tho their table and i’m almost about to curio both of them in this very shop, with everyone watching, but I don’t.

Someone gets up form the table and walks off, I don’t look up to see who it is. Barty or Evan probably.

Marlene Mckinnon reluctantly sits down at their table.

“What do you want.” She says, I can hear the bluntness in her tone, and I imagine she’s rolling her eyes at them.

“Oh chill girl, ain’t we allowed to have conversation with you? Barty replies.

Silence. Then.

“No?’’ Just one word, but she said it like a question.

The boys laugh. All the while, I still have not looked up form my hands.

“Want a butter beer?” Its Reg who’s talking this time.

“You gonna poison me or something?” Fair question, but I doubt it.

Im thinking about poisoning Evan Rosier and Fucking Barty Crouch Jr.

“Do you want me to?” Regulus asks, dropping all sarcasm at this point.

“Ok, ill have a butter beer.” She says when she thinks its safe enough for her not to believe she’s not going to be poisoned.

I can hear them all stand up of their chairs, but my head is still in my hands.

I can feel Mckinnons eyes on me.

We sit there together in silence for a long time. 

“Your funky little friends have ditched you.” She says.

I know.

“I know.’ I say, not looking up at her.

I hear a server placing a drink on the table. And I look up. She’s looking at me.

I stare. For much longer than I would like to admit.

“Did you know that Regulus and Potter are seeing each other.” I blurt out.

She looks at me confused, she’s thinking.

“What?” I say, after she hadn’t answered me.

“Black is queer? She starts, “ and so is James?” She asks, “How do you know this?”

“He told me.”

“Black”

“Yes.” I reply.

“Oh I thought James has a crush on Lily.” 

She’s thinking again, she makes a slight frown face when she thinks.

“Why would Black see a Gryffindor?” I hear her whisper to herself, then, “Would you ever date a Gryffindor? She asks me.

Would I? No. 

I push all thoughts of it out of my head. “Ew, if I had the choice I would never talk to one again.” I say firmly, “I don’t what he sees in Potter, they’re complete polar opposites.” 

“Opposites attract?” She says.

“Would you ever date a Slytherin?” I ask her back.

She doest answer me.

And i can see that she’s thinking again though.

After a while of silence again, she says, “Meadows.” Addressing me.

“Would you ever kiss a girl.” She finishes.

I refuse to think about it, and I frown at her.

“I don’t know.” I say bluntly.

She nods in reply.

Then, the silence continues. For a while before I stand up and tell her i’m going back to the castle, I do the polite thing and ask her to join.

“Nah, I better go find Lily and Mary.” She says shaking her head and standing up to.

I don’t know if the others have left yet, but I don’t wait for them and I hop in a carriage alone and watch the thestral pull it all the way to the castle gates.

The evening turns into night, and the boys haven’t come to find me in my dorm yet, not even Emmeline has come back yet.

I skip dinner because i’m not hungry, and even if I was I don’t think I could eat.

I don’t want to like girls.

Im already a burden to my family.

You’ll never know until you try. A voice in my head says. And its right, i’ll never know until it try, which will be never, so I guess ill never know.

Its only been a few weeks, and it’s already killing you. How do you think you’ll last? You know deep inside that i’m right.

The voice in my head probably is right. But i’m not going to listen to it.

Ive been spiralling for hours.

Its hot in here. I need to leave.

I bring a flask of firewhisky with me as I walk through the crowded common room. I don’t see Regulus, Barty or Evan, they’re probably in their dorm.

The castle is quiet, because it’s late, and the doors are still open when I walk out of the castle.

I start to make my way tot eh usual spot by the lake, when I see someone. I can’t tell who it is from this distance, so I walk a little faster.

Of course, just the person I most wanted to see…

Marlene Fucking Mckinnon, the beginning of all my ongoing problems.

“You should be out here.” 

She turns around, and putting it nicely, she looked very very, disappointed, but also relieved at the same time.

“Its not wise to be out here alone at this time of night.” I say.

“Then why are you out here?” She replies bluntly.

I take a seat next to her, “I needed fresh air.” 

What do I say?

I decide to start with, “That thing you said earlier.. I can’t stop thinking about it. Ive never really thought about a girl in that way.” I can’t just keep talking to myself. I won’t end well.

“Neither.” She agrees.

At least your not the only one.

“What if I am queer?” I say, “What if I do like kissing girls?” Just thinking about it scares me.

She blinks a few times before answering me, “What’s wrong with that?”. 

“I don’t know, ive just never thought about myself like that.” I lie, well partially, “Like not that its wrong or anything.” I add quickly.

“Yea I suppose I feel that way too. Heaps of people I know are queer.” She says, “but it’s a little different because its me.”

I think about what she says, “Yea.” I agree.

I decide it’s time to change the subject. “Why were you out here in the first place?”

“Couldn’t sleep.” She says.

“The moons pretty tonight” I don’t think she likes talking about sleep.

“Do you still hate me?” I don’t know where this conversations is going anymore.

“I don’t know. I suppose the only reason I have to hate you is because your a Gryffindor, but your actually nice company sometimes.” I admit. 

My brain is on fire. Did I really just say that??

“Oh.” She says.

“Do you still hate me?” If I just said that, she’s answering the question too.

“I want to, but I don’t think so.” She says through a blank face.

I look at her. I really look at her. Her eyeliner, which brings out her green eyes, her lips, oh merlin. Her lips.

Her freckles covering her face, the highlighter she wear, shimmering in the moonlight. She is, really pretty. Fuck. No.

I turn my attention to the rocks i’m sitting on. I pick up a fairly flat one, and skip it across the lake.

The silence had become unbearable, so I decided I would head back to my dorm. When I stand up, she stands too, and we walk to the castle together, although we were still not talking. 

I didn’t know what else to say. And neither did she.

She walks with me to the staircase that leads to the dungeons. “Bye.” She says, and I wave back at her.

I could feel her watch me as a walk down the stairs.

*

Thursday, October 10

I open my curtains slightly to get a glimpse of clock on the wall for long enough to know the time, 5:32.

Its still dark outside the fake windows in the dungeons, and I try to go back to sleep.

My eyes are closed, but my brain is not. Ive blocked out all thoughts of Marlene, or being queer since Saturday, but today I just can’t. I get fed up and change into my robes, tie my braids into a pony tail, brush my teeth and grab my broom on the way out of the dorm.

No one else is awake, apart form some 7th years who are studying for their NEWTS, even though they are ages away.

There are also a few people sleeping on open books.

No one pays attention to me as I walk through, and out the door.

The castle is also deserted, at this time of morning, of course it is.

I can’t see the sun yet, but the sky’s getting brighter and full of daylight as I tramp across the grass to the quidditch pitch.

It’s also deserted, After my broom is mounted, I take off into the cold morning air. Its taking my mind of everything, which exactly what I wanted it to do.

The higher I fly, the stronger and colder the wind gets. I fly in big circles high above the pitch, and the wind is so strong I can barely hold on. Yet, I fly faster, and faster, and faster. 

Until, I don’t even realise what happened. But the next thing I know, i’m falling. It seems to take forever for me to hit the hard ground with a thud.

I can’t breathe. I roll from my back onto my side and inhale the fresh morning air. And I cough, and cough until my throat is raw.

My head’s spinning, and when I finally collect myself and sit up, my arm is broken. Very, very broken. I should get to Madame Pomfrey.

But I no longer have the strength to stand. So I sit there, until the sun has risen, and I can hear the birds sing, and the students shuffling about in the castle, while i’m out here. All alone.

I look at my watch. 7:14. Class starts in forty-five minutes, so with what little energy I have left, I force myself to stand up, and walk all the way back to the castle with my broom.

I struggle all the way to the castle, and I can barely breath because of the pain. My arm is bent at an angle it shouldn’t be able to do. 

Every time I look at it, I throw up.

I make it to the castle, and I walk directly to the hospital wing. People are up now, and they all look a me as I walk past.

The hospital is quiet, and I call out.

“Madame Pomfrey?” 

She shuffles out of her office.

“Oh, my dear! What have you done?

“I fell of my broom.” I say.

“Well lets get that fixed up for you.” She says with a smile and leading me to a bed.

I sit down, and she walks off to her medicine pantry. She swings the doors wide open, to reveal hundred of potions.

She ruffles through them until she finds the one she wants, and picks it up, closes the pantry and grabs a shot glass. 

She brings these both back to me and pours the potion into the glass, “Bottoms up.” She says handing it to me.

“What’s it for?” 

“The pain.” She says with her sweet smile again.

I drink the shot, and she walks off to her office, coming back with her wand.

“Ready?” She says when she reaches my bed.

I nod.

“Brackium emendo.” She says, pointing here wand at my broken arm.

I look away so I don’t have to see.

Once she steps back I look at my arm, its fixed!

“Thank you Madam Pomfrey.” I smile at her, I don’t usually smile at people but she’s nice, and fixed my broken arm.

“Well, off you go then, and no quidditch for a couple days ok?”

“Ok.” I says waving goodbye and walking back to the dungeons.

Its almost 8 so I rush to get changed into my school robes, and run out of my dorm.

I pass soon breakfast, partially because I don’t feel hungry, and partially because I don’t have the time. 

Just making it to class on time, I shuffle through all the others, who are already sitting down and take my seat next to Evan.

“Your late.” He whispers to me as Professor Flitwick starts talking.

“No. Im exactly on time.” I whisper back at him, out of breath, also showing him the time on my watch.

He shrugs.

Charms is one of my least favourite classes, along with History of magic and Care of Magical Creatures.

So as usual, me Bart and Evan goof about when Professor Flitwick isn’t talking.

Regulus takes notes and we copy off him later, because he doesn’t mind charms.

Evan takes the notes for care of magical creatures, Barty takes them for History of Magic, and I take them for Herbology, as I don’t mind it, Barty doesn’t mind History of magic, and Evan doesn’t mind care of magical creatures.

It works for all of us. We’ve been doing it since first year.

“Where were you this morning?” Evan asks after talking to Barty, “You weren’t at breakfast.” Barty says leaning in front of Evan to see me.

“I was at the quidditch pitch.”

“And you didn’t invite us?” Barty says, looking offended.

“I needed some time alone.”

“You always have time alone now.” Evan says, “Its like were losing our best friend.” He says pouting his lips.

“Is I because of you know who?” Barty cuts un again with a smirk on his face.

I can feel myself blush, I hope they can’t see. I squint my eyes at them, “No.” I say firmly, knowing damn well it is.

“Sooooo, about the other day.. We never talked about it after.” Evan says.

“That’s right, and we are never going to talk about it. And don’t think im not still mad at you both and your stupid schemes.”

They can both tell that i’m not actually mad, just annoyed and they lock eyes with each other and burst into silent laughter.

Children.

Tell me again. Why are we friends?

Im also pretty sure that my suspicion of them being together is right.

If they weren’t, I would be very concerned if that’s what guys usually do.

They’re always sitting on each other, laying on my bed cuddled up together, holding hands some way or another, but they never really seem to do it in public, just when we are all alone.

Pandoras in Ravenclaw, and we have charms with the Hufflepuffs so its very annoying when the boys are in goofy moods.

The bell rings, signalling the end of class, just as Flitwick was telling us the homework we had to do.

Potions next, and of course its with the Gryffindors.

“Find a place at one of the work stations. On the board is your pairs you will be working in for the rest of the term.” Professor Slughorn begins.

I scan the board to find my name. 

“Now as you see, I have paired each Slytherin with a Gryffindor.” He continues, “I don’t want to hear complaints, you will have to deal with you partner till the end of the term.”

I find my name at the very bottom. Next to none other than my favourite person in the worlds name. Not. 

Marlene McKinnon.

“Now, from today until the Christmas holidays, we will be brewing a potion called the Flaxweed Potion, does anyone know what this potion does?” He says.

Evans raises her hand instantly. “Its a potion used to minimise or stop your weaknesses.” She says before Professor Slughorn could say her name.

“Correct Miss Evans.” She says with a smile, “Five points for Gryffindor.”

I frown.

“Now, the recipe on the board is all you will need for today, find you partners and begin.” he says dismissing everyone.

Its chaos as everyone is reluctantly trying to find their partner.

I spot Marlene, who is the only person in the class who did not stand up to find her partner.

“Shall we get started then?” I ask, knowing it will be no use trying to change partners.

Potions seems to go even longer than charms, which usually isn’t the case, but I better get used to it considering its going to be like this for the rest of the term.

Its also not helping my crisis.

I don’t want to like girls, but I think I do.

Well a girl at least.

I feel like ive lost my mind by the time class ends, even though me and Mckinnon only talked briefly. 

A ‘can you get an eye of a newt?’ Here and and a ‘ can you stir this?’ There, just being in the presence of her is driving me mad.

The bell rings and I go the kitchens with Evan, Barty, Pandora and Reg because im hungry, and lunch isn’t for another couple of hours.

Evan tickles the pears, he always tickle the pears, he thinks its funny.

He laughs every time, and every time, we all sigh in unison.

The house elves are happy to help us and immediately serve us some small ham and lettuce sandwiches and juice. They move around the table we sat at, and pour each glass to the top.

I can see Evan and Barty brewing before any of them say anything. I could see them looking at each other all through potions, they have this weird thing where they can talk with their eyes.

“So…” Evan stars, raising his eyebrows at me. Before I can reply Panda is in defending me by slapping her twin across the face. 

“That’s enough from you two.” Ive sat back and let you have your fun, but you can stop now.” She says in an authoritative motherly tone. 

She’s always the one to put Evan in check, as she’s the only one he’ll listen to.

I look at her and say thanks with my eyes and she smiles at me back.

Finally.

They don’t try to bring up Mckinnon again.