Invisible String

Thursday October 10

I look at my small wrist watch to see the time, 8:47. I don't feel like going to class, plus I'm already late, so I don’t. I know what I want to do, and I know that I won’t let myself think about it. I found comfort in hurting myself, it was the only thing that would keep my mind off that topic. So I peak through my curtains to see if Lily and Mary have left. The coast is clear, but I don't have the energy to get out of bed.

“Accio razor.” I say, pointing my wand in the direction of the bathroom.

Soon enough it flys through the bathroom door and glides towards me. I snatch it out of the air and roll my sleeves up. There’s many still healing cuts covering my skin. But alas I glide the cool blade across my rough, blood covered skin.

Blood form the first cut seeps down my arm and drips onto my sheets. I do it again, and again. 

The blade is no longer now distinguishable, its covered in blood and I switch hands to do the same to the other arm, now covering the handle in dark red blood too.

I don’t notice how far I had gone, and how deep I was going until my vision wasn’t just cloudy from tears, but my eyes were surrounded by blackness and, me head was throbbing. 

Lily Evans POV!!

I let Marlene lay in late today, because I can see that she’s struggling, although she tries to hide it.

So after first period, and she still hadn’t come to class I decide its best I go wake her up for second period.

The dorm’s quiet when I walk in so I assume she’s still asleep, “Wake up sleepy head, you’ve missed class!!” I say ripping open her old burgundy curtains that matched mine and Mary’s.

I scream and step back. No. No.

 I run to my drawers a pull out a shirt, immediately ripping it in two. I tightly wrap her arms in the clean fabric. Her arms. Oh Merlin. They don’t look like arms. She. No.

No.

 She’s still breathing which calms me down slightly, but she’s still unconscious and bleeding. I pick up her frail body. Her head hangs, and her mouth opens. She breathes. It’s slow. But it’s there. 

I never thought she was this light, I know she didn’t eat a lot but her body is so light and fragile i’m not so sure now if she eats at all. I find composure and allow myself to move and not further hurt Marlene. 

I run. Slow at first. I notice her already slow breathing get even slower. So I run faster.

Im almost sprinting before I reach the hospital wing.

Running through the castle with Marlene in my arms seems to take hours, although I know it could have only been a few minutes, considering how fast I was running.

“Madame Pomfrey! Madam Pomfrey!” I wail, and she walks out of her office rather fast, hearing my voice break.

“Oh Merlin!” She says seeing Marlenes limp body in my arms. “Put her down here,” she says rushing to a clean bed. 

After placing her down, Madam Pomfrey is already across the room, and in her medicine pantry, snatching bottles of various potions.

She pours one in a shot glass, tips Marlenes head back and opens her mouth, and drips the potion down her throat. 

The bleeding stops. Thank god. “When did you find her?” Madame Pomfrey asks me.

It takes me a couple seconds to collect myself and answer. “Um maybe ten or fifteen minutes ago, I rushed here as fast as I could.”

“You did a good job, especially with tying the fabric around the wounds.”

She unties the hastily tied fabric from her wrists and pulls out her wand after speaking to me, points it at Marlene’s left arm, “Vulnera Sanetur.” The cuts disappear in a flash, she then does the same for the right arm.

Then after that, she performs the Reviving spell, I don’t remember the words she said, but right after she said them, Marlene sleepily opened her eyes. 

Marlene’s POV

I wake up in a different room to what I passed out in. Looking down at my body, covered in blood, I realise i’m in the hospital wing, and I remember why. Fuck. I was never supposed to be caught.

“Can you drink this for me?” Madame Pomfrey asks me, handing me a glass of liquid. I skull the shot, and pass the glass back to her. I feel the warm liquid flow through my body, my headache disappears, I can see clearly through my eyes, and I no longer feel like fainting. 

Lily can see a change in my body posture and asks, “What’s that?” The first time she’s spoken.

“A blood replenishing potion.” She says with a warm, supportive smile.

I feel much stronger than I did a few minutes ago, but I'm still a bit out of it so I don't even notice that Madame Pomfrey had done a spell to make all the blood disappear. 

“How are you feeling?” Lily asks me, speaking for the second time.

I don't want to answer, I don't deserve for her to be nice to me. She found me, covered in blood and probably thought I was going to die. What kind of best friend does that? So I shrug my shoulders.

“Sorry.” I say in a quiet voice.

“Don’t be,” Lily says in a comforting tone, “Do you want me to stay with you?”

“Uhm, I think I want to be alone, is that ok?” I ask in a shaky voice.

“Of course, let me know if you need anything.” She says.

“Please don’t tell anyone.” I whisper in reply.

“Ok.” She says, turning around and walking out of the hospital ward, saying thank you to Madame Pomfrey as she walks past.

I don’t know what to think, and I sure as hell don’t think about Dorcas, so I lay there staring at the tall ceiling.

I don’t notice the time pass, but its apparently lunch time when Madame Pomfrey brings a tray of food, places it on the table next to me and takes a seat in the chair on the other side of the bed.

I sit up.

“Do you want to tell me how long you’ve been doing it?” She begins.

“A couple of weeks maybe.” I say, not making eye contact with her.

“Ok. Why did you start?” Her voice is calm and comforting.

“I don’t know” I mutter.

“That’s ok.” She assures me.

“When your ready, you. Can eat your lunch, but I noticed you didn’t eat your breakfast, is it usual that you skip it?” She says.

“Oh, um yea I don’t typically eat breakfast.” I say, which isn’t a lie but also isn’t the full truth.

She nods and stands up, then walks away from my bed.

I don’t want to admit what what i’ve done, and how i’ve been feeling. I don’t know how.

I do try to eat. And I do try to not think about being queer, but it never works, and I always end up having to do things to myself to stop it. Im not proud of it, but it’s the only thing that works. 

The sun has begun to set, and there’s a tray of food on the bedside table. There’s mashed potatoes, gravy, meat, and veggies. The thought of eating it makes me throw up, even though I have nothing in my stomach to throw up.

I notice that Madame Pomfrey has left to go somewhere so I decide now is the time to act.

Reaching for my wand that Lily had gotten from the dorm for me. I use the utensils to scrape most of the food up from the plate, pilling it on to a napkin. Then, after most of the food was on a napkin, I use a vanishing spell on it, and it all disappears, leaving the remains of the food on the plate.

The sun is now completely set and the moon has started to rise when Madame Pomfrey walks through the doors. Making her way over to me she exclaims, “You ate your dinner! Im so proud of you.” She finishes her sentence with her sweet smile. 

I feel guilty. I don’t know why. I always lie. But lying to her makes me feel like a fraud.

Picking up the tray, she takes it over to her office and comes back to me. She sits on the chair, “If you eat your breakfast tomorrow morning, I’ll let you go back to your dorm.” She starts, “How does that sound?” 

“Good.” I say, attempting a smile.

“You’re a small girl. Have you always had trouble eating?”

“Not always.” I say, not letting any emotion show on my face.

“I understand it can be hard sometimes, but the human body needs food to survive.” She says, I can see that she’s trying to support me, but I don’t want help.

I look at her with a blank stare.

“I can’t imagine how hard it is for you. Your body shuts down when it has no nutrition. You play quidditch, and your at school all the time. By not eating, your putting so much stress on yourself that you need to do this.” She points to my arms.

“It can’t be easy.” She finishes.

“Easy went out the window a long time ago.” I say, masking how I really feel.

“It shouldn’t have to. Your fourteen, you have your whole life ahead of you dear.” She reasons with me.

“I try to eat, I really do, but most of the time I throw up. I can’t even look at myself anymore. I hate myself.” I say, now forgetting the intention of ever trying to keep this a secret.

“Im sorry, I really am. I wish that everything would magically get better, but even the strongest and the most talented wizards and witches struggle too. Everyone does, its how you chose to make it better.”

I can tell that she really cares, but I stopped caring a long time ago.

Im done. I don’t love myself anymore. Who would help me? Who would love me?

“I think you should get some rest,” she says, “You must be exhausted, just going through each day for you would be. Let alone quidditch,  school and everything else. Ok? Take this.” She says handing me a shot of some liquid.

“What is it?” I ask.

“A sleeping potion.” Hopefully it will get you through the night.

I gulp it in one go. I tastes bitter. 

“Good night, have a good sleep, hopefully you will feel better in the morning.” She says with her calming smile, easing me.

“Good night Madame Pomfrey.” I say with a small thankful smile, and lying down on my side.

* FridayOctober 11 *

I didn’t wake up once, I didn’t have any bad dreams, and I didn’t wake up feeling gross the next morning.

When I open my eyes, I look over to see yet another tray of food, and past that I see Remus laying in the bad next to me. 

There are dried tears, in lines tracing from his eyes down to his neck, glistening in the light of the morning sun. He looks exhausted, even though he’s sleeping.

Madame Pomfrey is nowhere to be seen, but as a precaution, I stand up and walk to her office. As I had thought, she was not in there. This is my chance.

I pick up the napkin on the tray next to my food. I rip bits of my toast to make it look like i’ve eaten most of it. There is now a pile of peanut butter toast on my napkin, and again, I pick up my wand and vanish the food. There are still crumbs and crusts from the toast on the plate.

Thankfully, there is only water in the cup, so I drain about half of it and call it a day. I lay back down in my bed and wait for Madame Pomfrey to return.

Remus is stirring awake, I can hear him tossing and turning though my closed eyes.

I sigh and open my eyes when I hear the movement stop. He’s looking at me. “Why are you here?” I ask politely before he can ask me.

He replies with a groan as he sits up, “Oh, uh yeah, I just fell down the boys dorm stairs last night. That’s all.. What about you?”

“Um.” Is all I get out before Madame walks into the hospital wing with Sirius, Peter and James tailing behind her.

“Oh, your awake!” She exclaims, walking over to me, the boys rush to Remus’ side and close his curtains behind them.

“And you’ve eaten your breakfast!” She says quietly, I can see she’s happy. “Im so proud of you.” I think she’s talking quietly so that the boys next to me can’t hear, and won’t ask me about it after.

I just smile. Yes, I feel guilty, she’s so proud of me for something I didn’t even do.

“Well then, if you want to go back to your dorm, you can. Would you like me to get Lily or Mary to help you there?”

“Uhm, i think I’ve got it.” I say, with again, the fake smile i’ve become so good at.

“Alright then. Don’t let me see you in here again.”

“Yes Madame Pomfrey.” I say, standing up out of bed and picking up my wand. “Thank you.” I say walking out of the wing. The walk back to the dorm is long, but eventually I make it.

Neither Lily or Mary are in here, which I am thankful for.

I walk towards my bed, and open the top drawer in my nightstand and snatch a pre-rolled joint. With a flick of my wand the windows swing open.

Lighting the joint with my wand, I lay down on my clean sheets on my freshly made bed, Lily or the house elves must have cleaned it. I made a note in my mind to ask her later.

There’s only the but of the joint left. So, sticking it in my ashtray on the windowsill I take a swig of water, and light my candle.

There’s distant laughter outside the door, which I recognise as Lily and Mary’s, and soon enough they’re bursting through the door. 

At first they don’t notice me. Lily takes a second look as she sees me, and stops laughing. “Are you ok Marls?” She asks.

Mary, catching on, stopped laughing too.

“Yep.” I say with a weak smile. Not having the energy to do more than that. They ask if I need any food or water. 

“Ive just eaten.” I lie with s small smile, reassuring them. Thankfully neither of them pester me about it.

Both of the girls quickly jump in my bed and we all talked. Its been a while since the three of us just sat with each other and talked, about nothing in particular. It’s nice.

Lily never skips school. But not today.

She had more important things.

“Oooooh I brought some face masks from home in the summer. Ive been keeping them for a special occasion.” She remembers. “I think its time for a year 4 Gryffindor girls sleepover!”

“You say that like we don’t sleep in the same room every day, Lily.” Mary informs.

“And that’s not going to stop us from having fun.” She Bosses.

“Ok, ok.” I say and we all burst into fits of giggles.

“So…” I start, deciding that my two best friends in the whole world should get to know first if I have a crush. And because i’m high, I don’t really care when i’m in this state. I know I will regret it later though.

“So?” The both ask in unison.

“I may or may not have a crush on someone…”

They could not contain themselves. Both of my two best friends were on the floor screaming. You’d think I had told them I’d won the lottery.

“WHO IS SHE?!” Mary practically screamed at me. 

I was about to answer, but I did a double take. Did she say ‘she’? 

“She?” I ask. Maybe it was a mistake?

“Oh….I kind of assumed that you uhhhh liked girls, because of the way you were around boys…” She says hesitantly. 

“Oh.” I say sniggering, “Well you were right.” I pause to look at them for a second and we all start giggling.

“So who is it?!” Lily brings us back to the conversation. 

“Would you be mad if I said it was a Slytherin.?” I asked.

“No,” Lily says in a motherly tone. She always did that. “Of course not!” Mary backs her up.

“Ok..Well its Dorky…” I say pausing after every word.

“YOU MEAN THE SAME DORCAS THAT YOU’VE HATED SINCE YOU WERE ELEVEN?!” Mary ever so loudly exclaims.

“YOU SAID YOU WOULDN’T BE MAD!!” I shout back, not knowing if she was being sarcastic or serious. Or both?

“I’m not!!” She reassures me, “Just making sure we’re talking about the same Dorcas.” She finishes raising her eyebrows.

“Yes, unfortunately we are.” I confirm.

Im thankful that I don’t have to talk about my other problem though.

Obviously they wanted to know everything. So I started at the beginning. That first time I ever felt something for Dorcas. In the quidditch changing rooms.

And then again by the lake.

And every other time this year so far. 

They couldn’t contain themselves. They were screaming at me for answers by this point.

"HAVE YOU KISSED YET?!” Mary shouts. 

“WHEN DID YOU LAST SEE HER?!” Lily screams. 

“OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!!” Lily says jumping up and spinning around the room with Mary.

“Marlene has a crush!!!!” Lily teases me.

“FIRST TIME IN HISTORY!” Mary exclaims, “SOMEONE DOCUMENT THIS ONCE IN A LIFE TIME MOMENT.” She finishes.

These two girls are so unnecessarily dramatic over the smallest thing.

It took a while for both girls to calm down but ever since then, both girls seemed to glow whenever they looked at me.

“You know we’re only joking! We’re really proud of you Marls, and super happy that you told us!” She says in her motherly comforting tone, like always.

The questions came all night long, they never let the chance to bring it up again slip away. They were so happy for me. 

I wasn’t expecting that. 

Weren’t they going to hate you forever because you like a girl?

No.

That’s what you’ve been saying for weeks.

Shut up.

I didn’t want to hear that horrid piercing voice in my head any longer. I know its never truthful, but I don’t know how to not believe it.

It reminds me. every. Day, like clockwork. The voice is always there, in my head. Documenting things I hate about myself, and it grows. Like a tumor. 

I was shocked to say the least. Why would they even want to look at me?

As the night goes on, we collectively get more and more crazy. By ten we were piled on the floor with face masks covering our complexions. A vinyl was playing on my record player. David Bowie. 

Remus got me into him really, and I suppose Sirius too. They reckon he’s secretly a wizard. No ones music is that good.

• Saturday October 12 *

It’s the afternoon. The sun had been awake for hours, but I have not. 

The charm I put on my bed in first year has held up strong, not letting any sunlight in when they’re closed. None through the top of my canopy bed. No light slipped through the cracks of the ancient curtains. 

Those mucky bits of fabric are older than Dumbledore. Way, way older. The dust that had accumulated over hundreds, if not thousands of years. Even though the elves clean each and every bed in the castle, they always manage to find dust to suck up.

My watch says its 2:11. No ones going to notice if I don’t come to lunch, they’ll just assume I'm still asleep. However, I am not.

So, I snatch my old mint container full of pre-rolled joints, quickly change into something more descent than a really old t-shirt that is 3 times to big for me and shorts.

I slip on a pair of baby blue jeans, and pull a David Bowie shirt over my head, before covering it with a dark green knitted jersey over top. Winter’s starting.

I can’t be bothered tying  shoes, so I leave my pathetic slippers on as I walk through the long halls of Hogwarts castle.

The corridors of the old stone castle lead me to the front doors. Many cobble steps took me to the large field, where everyone is playing, throwing balls, dancing, and laying down.

I walk past everyone, one person stops to talk to me, but I have one thing set on my mind, so I didn’t stay to chat. 

Eventually, the greenhouses are finally in my sight. I walk strait past them too. Just far enough in a small corner between the edge of the castle and the greenhouses. It’s not too crowded, there’s only 3 other people there. A Slytherin and a Hufflepuff, and of  course, Remus Lupin.

I walk over to him, leaning on the stone bricks he’s got all his weight on. I nod to him, saying ‘hi’. And he nods back. No questions asked, I like that about Remus, and all the other smokers. No one cares what you do.

Pulling out my old mint case of my pocket I say, “You alright?” Thinking of Remus in the hospital wing. Whipping out my wand, I light my joint, as he replied, “What?”.

“You know, the other day?” I say, unsure now.

“Ohh, yea i’m alright.” He says with a smile in his thick welsh accent. “You?” He asks in reply.

“Oh, uh yeah.” I say, very unconvincing.

Unfortunately, my joint only got to be smoked halfway before Dorcas Meadows began to make her way to where Remus and I were standing. 

Without a second thought, I put out my joint, aggressively shove it back in the mint case, and walk off, giving a short wave to Remus because I’m a nice person.

Once arrive in my room again, the window was screaming at me to open it. So I did, the condensation dripping down the once clear glass.

I sit on the window sill and pull out my joint I was previously smoking. I do not want to talk, or see Dorcas Meadows, and I told Lily and Mary. They’re never going to let this go, my brain whines. 

*

The Great hall is buzzing when the food finally pops up through the table. Its hot. Everything gets hot when there’s food around. It makes me want to be sick.

It feels as though i’ve been put on a stage with hundreds of people in the audience. I know that no one was actually looking at me, they’re all too wound up in the food to care if I’m eating or not.

I’ve smoked enough to keep me going through dinner, but today I just want to leave. I really, want to leave. The mere thought of food made me want to barf.

Sitting through dinner was another kind of torture, not one you would likely think of when torture is mentioned.

*

The crowd out the door wasn’t moving very fast so was trying to push my way to the front as I’ve had enough of being around people.

I want to be alone.

Im finally past the crowed, and am almost sprinting through the corridors. Each doorway getting larger as I approach.

After a while I get this nagging feeling that someone is following me so I turn around to see. But no-one was there.

I’m still running but a little slower now, because I’m tired. 

“Hey!” I hear a voice.

I stop and whip my head around. Dorcas Meadows. 

What does she want?

Dorcas slows to a stop in front of me.

“Why did you leave when I came to the greenhouses.” She bites the bullet.

“Uhhhh.” I don’t know what to say. “No?” I ask, hoping she wont question me anymore.

“No? What do you mean no?” She asks, confused now. “That wasn’t a yes or no question.” 

I don’t say anything.

“Ok, uhhh. Are you ok? You. Haven’t been coming to classes.” She questioned.

“Yeah. Nah i’m ok.” I say with a fake smile.

“Your not making it sound like your ok. I heard you were in the hospital wing.” She adds.

“Who told you?” I interrogate. 

“I think Regulus heard it from Sirius.” She replies.

“Hmm. Yes i’m fine. Now. I’m fine now.” I state

She doesn’t have to actually know if i’m fine or not. One person knowing is enough for me. “Did he say why I was there?” I inquire.

“No?” She recalls.

There’s people. Voices, two or three. Neither of us want to run into them. There just so happens to be a classroom right in front of us. It’s not locked, so we go in.

Its dark, but neither of us mind. 

Our conversation was put on hold and in the silence, I think.

If I admit that i’m not ok, that makes me weak. If I say i’m not ok, i’ll have to face it. I’ll have nowhere to hide or run. 

I choose to run. I choose to hide. It’s easier. 

I can’t tell if Dorcas can see my brain moving at a hundred miles an hour. It’s dark.

“Ok, well I found you to say something. I can’t not hide from it anymore.” Dorcas begins, “I don’t want to like you. I want to hate you. I want to keep hating you like I have for 3 years; but I can’t. Not anymore. Marlene, I like you.” She’s sitting on the table opposite me.

I don’t know what I was expecting her to say, but it was anything but that. I fully, and genuinely believed she still hated me. Im terrible with words so I attempt to speak, but no noise is heard.

Don’t cry.

I don’t like her back.

I don’t.

I won’t.

I force myself to stop feeling. It makes me cry. I hate this. Although only a few tears dropped, I still hope Dorcas doesn’t notice. 

“I’m sorry.” I say in a small voice. 

“You shouldn’t like me Dorcas.” I say, the conversation taking a turn.

“You can’t like me. And I can’t like you.” Dorcas looks like lost, and upset.

“I can’t. I’m struggling as it is. Im sorry. I never meant for this to happen.” I start. I at least owe her an explanation, “I can’t be.. queer.” I say, then quickly adding on, “Like, I’m not homophobic and I think I am queer, but right now I just can’t.” The words just fell out of my mouth.

“Ok.” Dorcas gives me a reassuring smile.

“Im sorry.” I repeat. Merlin this is bad. I hate this. I hate myself.

“Im sorry. Im sorry you have to like me, the worst person in this whole school. Im annoying and inconvenient. Im sorry, now i’m ranting.” I rush.

“Marlene.” Dorcas finally speaks. “You’re not annoying. You’re not inconvenient. Don’t be sorry. There’s nothing to be sorry about. So stop apologising.” She says it firmly, so if you didn’t know the context of the conversation, and if you didn’t know Dorcas, you’d think she was angry.

She wasn’t. 

And I like her.

Like really. And I hate it.

But I can barely breathe when i’m near her. It hurts trying to push myself away. 

Ughhhh. I don’t know what to do.

Her eyes are staring right back at mine. The contact isn’t broken for a long. Time. She stares. I stare. Neither one of us say anything. Fuck.

Slowly. My eyes move, and settle directly on her lips. No.

My eyes now have a mind of their own. They refuse to move. What do I do?

Kiss her.

No.

Kiss her.

No.

Kiss her.

“Stop!” I say out loud this time.

“Stop?” Dorcas repeats sceptically.

“Not you. My brain.” I point to my head.

“Right.” She says frowning slightly and standing up off the table. 

She’s right in front of me now.

Kiss her.

I stand up too.

It felt like a magnetic force, pulling my lips towards hers.

My hand swiftly moved to her tie to pull her closer to me.

Our lips touch. I kiss her. She kisses me back.

No.

What did I do. 

I pull away.

Why did I like it.

No.

“I have to go.” I say, halfway back to the door.

I didn’t hear Dorcas say anything. And I didn’t look back to check.

I ran.

And I ran. All the way to the Gryffindor tower.

There’s people. Everywhere.

I push through the common room, and I bolt up the stairs.

I hope Lily and Mary are gone. My face probably resembles a tomato.

I don’t pause for a moment. And I busted the door open.

Its empty.

Thank Merlin.

I don’t want to think anymore.

What did I do?

Fuck.

The mirror reflects an image I don’t want to see. So I turn the shower on. Hot.

It doesn’t take long for the mirror and window to fog up with steam.

My clothes and in a pile on the floor. The hot steam is comforting and I take a step into the boiling water.

It burns.

It’s the only thing that will make me stop thinking about it.

It burns.

My skin is red. My skin is a shade of red, it should never be, but who cares really.

I step out of the shower and dry off my stinging skin. I can’t hear anyone in the room so I count that as a good thing.

No one is out there still, thank fuck. I run over to my nightstand and pull a joint from the top drawer.

My skin will only hurt for so long.

I smoke it out the bathroom window. 

Im tired.

I hate myself even more.

But I couldn’t stop myself.

I couldn’t stop myself.

Fuck.

As I lay in my bed. High. I feel my sensitive skin rub against my sheets.

It hurts.

It hurts.

Im lost. I can’t remember the difference between mental and physical pain anymore.

What’s wrong with me?

Help.

Please.

Im stuck.

I want to go back where I came from.

I want to die.