Invisible String

All the leaves were now falling off the trees, and the days were getting colder. It was the beginning of Autumn, and the first weekend of Hogsmeade.

Lily, Mary and I all decided to go down together, “Are you almost done in there? I want to brush my teeth!” Mary’s banging in the bathroom door.

“Oh just let her take her time. Your teeth can wait, we’ve got all day.” I hear lily scolding her.

I walk out of the bathroom with the steam from the shower trailing behind me. “Merlin Marls you’d think there was a sauna in there.!” Mary says exasperated walking in.

Which only earns her a sharp slap across her head from lily who also walked in to brush her teeth. 

We decide to skip breakfast at school and head into a cafe in Hogsmeade. Its small, but hell is it busy. It was packed and there were only a few tables left. I let Lily and Mary order first and then its my turn so I order a coffee and sit down with them.

“Lovely morning isn’t it?” Lily says, starting the conversation. “Its cold.” I say with a blank face. She just looks at me and blinks. She’s silent but I can tell she’s scolding me in her head.

“A hot chocolate, an iced late and an americano.” A nice lady says reaching our table with a tray of drinks.”

I raise my hand and say “americano” signalling its mine, and lily and Mary do the same.

“I really don’t understand how you like black coffee. Its gross and bitter.” Lily says sipping her hot chocolate.

“Good thing you didn’t order it then” I say with a chuckle. She rolls er eyes in reply and Mary lets out a little giggle.

“So where are we gonna go after breakfast?” Mary begins. We all think for a little before lily says she wants to visit the bookstore before we leave. “I want to go to honey dukes. Im all out of sugar.” 

“Ooh and I need to go to the muggle telephone to talk to Daniel.”

“Oh my god.” I roll my eyes. “Of course you do”

Which makes Lily giggle. “Reckon we should have a look at the shrieking shack?” I ask with a huge smile on my face.

Mary and Lily both give me concerning looks, then at each other. “Do you really think its haunted?” Mary says. “Nah” I reckon that a load of bullshit I say.”

“Ive got to agree with Marls but not in those words.”

I make an exaggerated hurt face. “What’s wrong with my words?” I say. And we all burst into a fit of laughter.

A waitress finally comes to our table when our drinks are half gone, and we all order some food. I decided I would try to eat the kids pancakes.

The server leaves when I spot James and Remus peering through the window suppressing laughs. When the bell on the door goes off and a big black dog walks through the door. Lily and Mary are also looking now. 

Something I didn’t see before was that there is a rat sitting on the dogs back. I do a double take to make sure I'm seeing things right.

A rat sitting on a dog?

Walking into a cafe?

Weird.

I look back at the window and I wander where the other two boys are. James and Sirius are never separated.

My pancakes arrive piping hot. So I allow them a little time cool still watching the dog and the rat causing a commotion as its trying to get into the kitchen. With no luck. Soon enough the staff have had enough and throw the dog and the rat outside. 

This only makes James and Remus laugh harder. 

I touch my pancakes to see if they’ve cooled down. They have. So I pick up my knife and fork, shovel a small amount of pancake into my mouth and chew.

And chew.

And chew.

It feels like forever before I work myself up enough to swallow the food.

I can feel it sliding down my throat. Looking over at Lily and Mary, none of them are watching me. They’re both minding their own business, eating their breakfast.

I manage to continue this until half of my pancakes are gone.

And I hate it.

I excuse myself from the table, both of them being too into their food to care. The bathroom isn’t too far away from our table and its empty when I walk in.

I look at myself in the mirror before tears start falling from my eyes. The tears run down my cheeks and drip onto my shoes. 

I cry until I can’t see through the tears. So I make my way into a stall, closing and locking the door behind me.

Its clean in here, thank merlin. I lean over the toilet and throw up. Until I no longer can. There’s nothing left. I wipe my face with some toilet paper, flush, walk out and wash my face in the sink.

The cold water wakes me up, I pop a mint in my mouth and walk out back to the table. I can tell they notice I’ve been crying. But no one asks.

Until Lily looks over at Mary and then back at me. “Um, Marls. Are you ok?” She asks. 

No

I can tell she’s worried. “Yeah, I’m just tired.” I say with a small smile. They know I’m lying. Well, I think they know I’m lying.

They’ve never actually told me that they know. 

I’m tired of being tired.

We decide to leave the cafe and head down the street for some fresh air. "Now's a pefect time for Mary’s to phone her boyfriend." Lily says. 

Ive never really thought about boys, and love. I never really felt like I've needed it. I also don’t remember a time ive ever had a crush. 

Thinking about it doesn’t happen often. I can be friends with guys but I don’t think i’ve ever liked any of them before.

“She takes soooo long” I exaggerate to lily while waiting behind the building for Mary.

She pushes my shoulder, “just because your still single,” she says rolling her eyes and we burst into a fit of giggles.

“So are you so you can’t talk.” I say sarcastically.

I sit on the stone wall and pull out a joint. “Oh really Marlene. Is that necessary?” She says in a motherly tone. 

“Yes Lily. Yes it is.” I say breathing out a puff of smoke. I always offer it to her but every time I  get a lecture, and sure enough, “Oh Marlene you know that’s not good for you, your going to ruin your lungs.” 

To which I reply, “I'm here for a good time not a long time.” And finish my sentence by taking another puff. 

Lily just sighs in defeat, hoping one day ill listen to her.

And Mary appears form around the corner, finally finished on the phone. “Oh thank merlin. I was this close to ditching you.” I say showing her with my fingers.

“Oh come on, I wasn’t even that long. come on.” She says she says rolling her eyes.

One thing about year 4 Gryffindor girls, is the eye rolling. There’s a lot.

I put the joint out and put it back in my case. “Where’re we going now?” I say bored out of my mind.

“Well i'd like to go the bookstore, but we don’t have to go now if you want. We can got to wherever you want to go.” Lily says with a sweet smile.

“Zonkos” I say, and that’s where we go.

 Its packed in the small shop, filled with Hogwarts students, and Hogsmeade residents. “Hah look at that,’’ I say pointing to an Ever-Bashing Boomerang. I grab one off the shelf and I can’t help myself but think about who i’m going to throw it at.

I have clear picture of Dorcas Meadows in my head. And her perfect face is soon ruined by my new boomerang in my vision.

I pay for my things and we trail out of the small shop. Remus spots us and walks out of the shop too, soon followed by the other 3 marauders.

“Find anyfin interesting” he says in his weird welsh accent. He barely ever completely finishes a word. 

“Yeah! I got this boomerang to throw in Meadows face.” I says with a snigger.

“Ha, wot is it wiv you two girls?” He says sniggering.

“She a bitch is what.” I say with a blank look on my face. Then start smiling evilly. He only relies with one raised eyebrow which I laugh at.

Us girls and the marauders wander off form the centre of the town and find a small spot in to woods near the shrieking shack, and sit ourselves down. James next to Sirius, and Remus next to him, with Peter sitting down beside James once he caught up to us.

Lily had brought a blanket for us to sit on, and we all sat down opposite the boys. I can see the shack in the distance. “Do you guys believe that its really haunted?” I ask out of curiosity. Remus sits up strait and they all look at each other. Weird. “Nah.” Says Mary not noticing. “I reckon its a load of shit.” And besides nones ever seen anything. All the windows are boarded up.”

“It could be, I never really believed in ghosts before I w=found out I was a witch, but now I see them every day. So im not really sure.” Lily says joining in the conversation.

“Yea I reckon it's haunted.” Says Sirius. “Like it just seems scary and haunted.“ James adds.

“But aren’t all the ghosts at Hogwarts nice?” Lily asks. 

Sirius’ face goes grim, like remembering a bad memory, “The unkind ones aren’t allowed through the Hogwarts boundaries. 

“Oh,” Me and Lily say at the same time.

“There are some really nasty ones out there.” Sirius continues. “Make sure you never meet them.” He finishes.

Remus gets out a joint and lights it with a muggle lighter takes a puff and hands it to Sirius, both James and Lily giving them disapproving looks. “Can I’ve a turn?” I ask nodding towards the lit joint in Sirius’ hand.

Remus nods and Sirius hands it to me and I take a few puffs before handing it back. “Solid” I say, blowing out a cloud of smoke.

“I don’t get the point of smoking,” Mary begins. “Like what’s the appeal?” 

“You’ve never done it before, have you?” 

“No” 

I give Remus a look and he offers her the joint with she takes sceptically. “What do I do? Just Suck on it?”

I snigger, “Pretty much.” Sirius can’t hold in his laughter very long, and he bursts into laughter, which makes Remus also laugh, and I join in to.” 

Mary takes a short puff and coughs, new that would happen, so I grabbed the joint and showed her how to do it properly, she copies me and doesn’t cough the second time around. Passing the joint to Sirius who asked for a turn, Mary says, 

“Yea that doesn’t even taste nice.” Which makes me laugh again. 

“You don’t do it for the taste, you do it for the high.”

“Have some more and you’ll understand.” I say. Lily nudges me, “Stop encouraging drugs. Its bad.” She states.

“Nah, I reckon its pretty sick aye.” I say smiling.

Lily sighs, “Well, you guys do what you want, I’m going to head to the bookstore, anyone want to come?”

“Count me in.” Says James raising his hand like he’s in school. Lily sighs again.

They leave and Peter runs after them not wanting to leave James. 

“So” is start. “Feeling anything yet?” I ask Mary.

Remus hands me the joint that’s almost gone by now, and I take a hit. “Im not sure, I kind of feel tingly.” Mary replies. So, I hand her the rest of the joint and tell her to finish it. 

I grab out one of my joints and light it with my wand, then pass it to Remus. “How you feeling Mary?” I ask, she’s finished the joint now.

“Ok I get the thrill, this is so good.” She says with a silly smile.

Then she gets up and starts prancing around the woods. Singing at the top of her lungs. I decide I should probably go get her so I get up too.

She hadn’t wandered to far and I find her easily, “I. Feel. Amazing.” She says whispering and out of breath.

I just smile and bring her back to our spot, where Sirius now has the joint, he hands it to me as I sit down with Mary next to me. She’s giggling uncontrollably, were all finding it hard not to laugh. It doesn’t take long before Sirius pops, and we all laugh so hard I dropped the joint.

Mary's now talking about how her heads going to explode. But she’s so scared and it makes us laugh even harder.

After the laughing dies down I pick up the joint, light it again and take a puff before handing it to Remus. I lay down and look at the cloudy sky. 

When I open my eyes again, Sirius is laying in Remus’ lap, and Mary is leaning against a rock with her eyes closed too.

“D’you guys wanna head back into town now?” I say, startling everyone.

“Yea probably.” Remus replies, pushing Sirius off him. Which he gets a scowl in return.

I get Mary to help me fold the blanket and we make our way back into town. The leaves on all the trees are starting to fall, so you can hear a crunch every step of the way.

Town’s still busy when we get back, and we find Lily, James and Peter fairly quickly, and Mary, Sirius and remus decide to hang with them, but I want a drink form the 3 Broomsticks so I part with them.

The bell on the door rings when I walk in, and I see all the tables are full, the I look around. I turn around to leave and go catch up with the others when I hear someone calling my name. 

“McKinnon!” A loud voice shouts from the far corner of the shop. I couldn’t see who it was at first until another voice yells, “Oi!” From the same corner and I see the Slytherins.

Black, Crouch, Rosier, and Meadows.

Meadows has her head in her hands. And Black just slapped Crouch, who he’s sitting next to.

I push open the door and start to walk out when a hand grabs my arm and pulls me to their table.

They force me to sit down and stay, like I’m a dog. 

“What do you want.” I blurt out bluntly. Meadows still has not looked at me.

“Oh chill, girl. Aint we allowed to have a conversation with you?”  Crouch starts. 

A confused look appears on my face as I slowly say, “No?” 

Rosier and Crouch look at each other before bursting into laughter.

“Want a butterbeer?” Black says changing the subject.

“You gonna poison me or something?” I say, very confused now as to why they’re suddenly being nice to me. After four years. 

He scoffs, “D’you want me to?” 

“Ok ill have a butterbeer.” I say and the three boys all stand up in unison and make their way to the counter. 

Leaving me and Meadows alone. She still has not looked at me.

After a while of awkward silence, I look up to the counter only to see that they’ve disappeared. 

They set me up. Bitches.

“Your funky little friends have ditched you.”

I say, seen as she still has not pulled her head out of her hands yet. 

“I know.” She says, still with her head in her hands, just when a server brings a butterbeer and places it in front of me. 

I take a sip from the glass when Meadows finally looks up at me. She stares. I look at her too. It seems everyone in the shop has stopped talking. It seems that everything has stopped. Her stare turns dark and she begins, “Did you know that Regulus and Potter are seeing each other?

I lean my head to the side, James is gay?

And is seeing a Slytherin?

She can see I'm confused because my eyebrows are knit together.  

“What?” She says, somehow making the word ‘what’ seem posh.

“Black is queer.” I begin, “and so is James?” I ask, “How do you know this?” 

“He told me.” 

“Black?”

“Yes.”

“Oh.. I thought James had a crush on Lily.”

He’d been after her for years, but now I come to think of it, he hasn’t really been pestering her lately. Not in weeks. He hasn’t even said a word to her.

“Why would Black see a Gryffindor.” I whisper to myself. Not really asking a question. 

“Would you ever date a Gryffindor?” I ask Meadows.

“Ew, if I had the choice I would never talk to one again.” Meadows starts, “I don’t understand what he seeing in Potter, they’re complete polar opposites. 

“Opposites attract?” I propose.

“Would you ever date a Slytherin?” Meadows counters.

I don’t answer her. Not because I don’t want to, but beach I don’t actually know the answer. Everything inside me wants me to day no, but I don’t. I sit there and stare, until Meadows finally breaks eye contact and I take a swig of the butterbeer in front of me. 

We sit in silence for a while and I think about Black, Regulus Black. Why would the cold, dark Slytherin, perfect heir to the Black family, why would he date someone and loud, energetic and kind James Potter?

If someone as dark as Regulus can like, or even love such a kind soul, and if someone as kind and nice as James love someone as cold as Regulus. Why can I even love myself?

Why can’t I love myself?

Im so wrapped up in my thoughts that I completely forgot I was sitting with Meadows.

“Meadows.” I start. “Would you ever kiss a girl?”

…

She looks at me with a slight frown, she not angry, she’s thinking. 

“I don’t know.” She answers. 

I just nod my head in reply. I don’t know why I asked. 

I don’t even remember the question being in my head. It just appeared on my lips. 

After saying it, even though I was asking Meadows, I began to think of an answer myself, almost as if I weren’t even aiming the question at her.

Would I ever kiss a girl?

*

The sky’s dark now, the stars and moon are the only source of light as I sit down on the cool rocks of the shore of the lake. Im thankful I wore my slippers. I lay my small blanket over my legs as I look out to the moon, still high in the sky.

I think back to the conversation I had earlier in the day. Ive been thinking about it constantly since I first said it. 

I would never kiss a guy, and i’ve never had a second thought about it. So why am I thinking about this so much. I cant focus on anything else. Ive never thought about dating a guy. Its never seemed important to me. 

Not like this.

As the moon gets higher in the sky I think about why its affecting me this much. 

Why am different. 

The lake ripples in the cool autumn air as I skip rocks I find beside me.

“You shouldn’t be out here.” A small voice says walking behind me.

My eyes widen as a think its a professor, I turn around surprised to see Meadows.

Dorcas Meadows.

“Its not wise to be out here alone at this time of night.” She says.

“Then why are you out here?” I say back.

“I needed fresh air.” She says as she takes a seat next to me.

“That thing you said earlier..’’ Meadows begins. “I can’t stop thinking about it.. Ive never really thought about a girl in that way before.”

“Neither.” I say. Short and simple. At least i’m not the only one, I think to myself.

“What if I am queer?” She says, “ what if I do like kissing girls?” She looks frightened, but its hard to tell in the dark.

“Whats wrong with that?” I ask. Even though I can’t even answer that myself.

“I don’t know. Ive just never thought of myself in that way.” Meadows answers and quickly adds, “like not that I think its wrong or anything.” 

“Yeah, in suppose if feel that way too.” 

“Heaps of people I know are queer.” I add. And i’ve never thought anything of it. But its a little different because its me.”

“Yea.” She agrees.

“Why were you out here in the first place?” Meadows asks. 

“Couldn’t sleep.” I say. Which isn’t a lie. I can never sleep, so its kind of a pathetic excuse, but she doesn’t know that.

 “The moons pretty tonight.” She says, changing the subject. 

“Do you still hate me?” I ask changing the subject again. I look at her and wait for her reply. 

“I don’t know. I suppose the only reason I have to hate you is that your a Gryffindor, but your actually nice company sometimes.” She replies.

She looks calm but my brain is doing jumping jacks in my head. Everything seems to be spinning and its making me feel sick.

“Oh.” Is all I can say.

“What about you? Do you still hate me?”

“I want to.” I admit. “But I don’t think so.”

We’ve had this feud for year, it seems silly to not hate each other after all these years.

She’s looking at me. No ones never looked at me that way. Nothing different but I can feel it. The energy is different. It makes me feel giddy, like I want to jump up and down. 

Meadows picks up a flat rock and skips it on the lake. 

After. Long while of awkward silence, none of us had come up with anything else, so we stand up and begin to make our way back up to castle. 

We walk towards the dungeons in silence when we get to the staircase that leads to the Slytherin dorms. 

“Bye”

I say and she turns around and waves to me as she makes her descent. I stand at the top of the stairs and watch her walk down the stairs. I don’t know why. But I did. I watched her until she turned into the hall. 

*

The morning of October 16th

The sun shines through the cracks in my curtains, I groan “Its too early. Can the sun just fuck off for one.” And cover my eyes with my arm. 

Lily rips open my curtains hearing me wake up. “Rise and shine!” She says sarcastically pulling me out of my bed.

“No.Noooo.Noooooo” I protest wanting to go back to sleep.

After angrily pulling on my clothes and fighting with my robe, then accidentally knotting my tie at least six times before Mary comes to help as I stand there defeated. 

You’d think after four years I would have learnt how to tie a tie by now. But you can’t fight with morning me. 

After countless tries to do eyeliner, I decided I didn’t need it today, and if I really wanted to I could just come back to the dorm when my brain isn’t screaming at me about last night.

After what seems like millennia, we finally make it to the great hall for breakfast. I can smell toast and oats from a mile away. We walk in and most of the students are already well into their meals.

“Im gonna sit with the boys, you two have fun.” Mary says with a sweet smile before walking towards the four boys.

Ive served myself one piece of toast and have put a thin layer of pens butter onto it and its cut in four triangles. I sit there staring at them long enough for Lily to ask if I’m alright. 

“Would you ever kiss a girl?” I blurt out, unable to stop myself.

She looks a bit confused but answers, “Uh, I suppose I would try, I mean if I don’t like it I won’t do it again, you know?” She says. “Is that’s what’s wrong with you? You’ve barely touched your breakfast, and you’ve been isolating yourself a lot more than usual. Are you ok?”

“Oh.” Is all I manage to say.

After a few moments of trying to process what she said to me. “If you did like it, you know kissing a girl. Like would you be ok with that? I manage to pipe out.

“I don’t see why I wouldn’t. Why, do you think you like a girl?” She says.

“I don’t know. I don’t think ive ever liked anyone in that way before, y’know?” 

“Yeah, ive never seen you talk about someone you like before, but I didn’t really think about it.” She says supportively. 

“Is it a bad thing if I want to kiss a girl?’’ I ask. Because in all honesty ive never experienced this. Lily was my last resort, she had to tell me the answer.

“No.” She says firmly, but also very soft and sweet at the same time, “Do you think its a bad thing?” 

“I don’t know, I don’t think i’ve ever met any openly queer people before, and like I’ve never thought as myself as queer either.”

*

I find it hard to sit through all my classes that day, and by second to last period ive had enough so decide it will be fine if I didn’t go to last.

Making my way up all the stairs to the fourth year Gryffindor girls dormitories my thoughts are all muddled around in my head and I can’t think straight, so as soon as I reach my dorm, I open the top drawer of my nightstand and grab out a joint I had rolled a few days ago and settle myself down on the windowsill.

I light the joint with my wand and take a long puff breathing it deeply into my lungs and exhaling it through mr nose. It doesn’t take me long to start feeling it. And my brain clicks into place, all of my muddled thoughts and worries line up in my head so I can finally think about each thought one at a time.

For once my mind is quiet and I lean my head against the window and close my eyes.

What if I am queer? Will people still like me? Do people even like me as I am, or are they just pretending?

Do I want to kiss a girl?

Do I want to kiss Dorcas Meadows?

Why her, of all people? 

I slow down my thoughts, and I can feel tears welling up in my eyes. 

What’s wrong with liking a girl? A little voice in my head asks. And I don’t know what to say back.

What’s wrong with me? 

And that’s when my brain suggests something that i’ve never done before. Ive thought about doing it before but still I haven’t done it yet. 

Weak. It says. 

Im weak. You don’t have anything stopping you. 

I don’t.

I know its wrong to do. But right now it feels like the right thing. Right now in the very moment, I think that this is the best thing I could have ever done for myself. 

You already hate yourself. Why don’t you show it. 

And I succumb to the little voice in my head as I stand up and its almost like the bathrooms calling to me, so I follow the voice and end up infornt of the mirror, showing me how much I hate myself yet again.

I open my drawer under the sink and pull out my razor.

Its shiny and clean, like most of my other things. I unbutton my shirt and take it off along with my robe.

I can’t stand to look at myself any longer so I sit in the corner of the bathroom next to the shower.

I look at my arms, cleanly shaven, like the rest of my body and I can feel the cool metal on my skin as I slowly slide the blade across my wrist.

Again.

I repeat it, just below the first one. And again. Its addicting.

And I can’t stop.

My arm is barley visible beneath the blood that’s falling out of the cuts I made on my wrist. It stings.

You deserve it.

And so again, I repeat what I did on the first arm, onto my other one. And soon enough there’s a pool of dark blood surrounding me small fragile body. 

Im waring a grey skirt, well I was wearing a grey skirt, its now stained beyond recognition and is saturated with my blood, still dripping from my arms.

Feel better?  The little voice in my head asks me.

“Yes” I whisper to myself, I’m light headed but I don’t let that stop me form taking off the rest of my clothes and jumping in the shower. Im too light headed to stand for very long, so I slide against the wall and fall to the ground.

The water washes the blood form my body as I watch pools of red water fall through the drains.

It stings.

But you like it. The voice reminds me.

And that’s what scared me. 

I did like it.