Invisible String

September 6th

Its the first Saturday of the term, so Regulus, Evan, Barty and I all head off to the quidditch pitch in the morning after breakfast.

“Its ridiculous Barty, honestly, you and Evan know better that to sneak out and get drunk without me. You both know how stupid you guys get.”  Regulus scolds. “Really, fifty points each on the first week. Come on.” 

“Your just jealous because we didn’t share” Barty counteracts. To which Regulus just rolls his eyes at.

We make it to the quidditch pitch, and begin our practice, witch eventually only ends up in a very violent game of flying into each other, falling off our brooms, healing ourselves and doing it again. Each hit more egressive than the last.

“Oh cmon Barty, is that all you’ve got?” Evan teases, which only ends up in his falling to hard sand below the pitch. 

We’re all having fun until Reg spots Gryffindors coming our way. James. Marlene. Lily. Mary. Sirius. And Peter. “Ugh, can’t those fuckers see us here?” He says aggravated. 

We all fly to the ground to meet with them and tell them to fuck off. 

“Fuck off.” I say, mainly glaring at McKinnon.

“Now now, no need to be so harsh,” James says.

“Oh you think that was harsh?” Barty replies, wanting to start a fight.

“Barty. Not now.” Reg warns him. “What are you doing here.?” He scolds. 

Frowning at his brother.    No one talked to Regulus about Sirius. Otherwise he would curse you into oblivion. Everyone knew not to go there.

“We’re going to take a nap.” Sirius says sarcastically “What the fuck do you think we’re doing. The fucking same as you.”

“Well we’re using it now so you guys can fuck right off and leave us alone. Alright?” Reg says threateningly.

“Im not going to fucking share the pitch with Meadows unless its a game.” McKinnon glares at me.

Marlene now steps in. “I did not wake up at the fucking crack of dawn just to walk all the fucking way down here and not be able to fly. I don’t give a shit what you think. So stop fucking sulking and learn how to share.”

With that, she glares at me, and pushes past us onto the pitch.

We’re glaring at the rest of them before Regulus turns around and stomps back onto the pitch.

We all follow suit, with the Gryffindors trailing behind. The Gryffindors look like they’re actually trying to play a small game. But never really get anywhere because we keep nocking them off their brooms. 

After maybe half an hour of this, they start to get annoyed, while we’re pissing ourselves with laughter, watching them get gradually more agitated.  Although the two muggleborns, Evans and Macdonald keep yelling at us for it. Still hilarious.

Im in the air and I spot McKinnon, she sees me too. We lock eyes and I race towards her on my broom. I can’t feel the cool air whooshing past me as I speed across the pitch.

Im in the vicinity of McKinnon. And before she gets the chance to move out of my way, I smack into her and nock her off her broom. And she falls. She’s screaming at me. I don’t care.

She really didn’t fall that far so she isn’t really hurt, maybe a bit of whiplash, but that should be all. I fly down to where she is, and hover above her. “Fuck you” I spit, before flying off to hang with Regulus and laugh about the whole morning.

*In the quidditch changing rooms”

I walk in, all muddy and covered grass stains, and coated in sand. She’s still in here. Smoking. I can see she’s been crying but I don’t say anything. 

“Give us a puff then” I say to her with my arm stretched out. 

“You smoke?” She asks as if she had no idea.

“Duh, why the fuck do you think I’m asking?” I snap.

She shrugs and passes me the joint which I’m pleasantly surprised that she actually gave it to me.

“Why’d you hate me?” McKinnon asks, “What did I ever do to you?” 

Which makes me think. 

“Well, you really didn’t do anything.” I say. “Im just jealous of you I guess.’’ And with that I give back the joint after taking one last puff and walk off before she can say anything.

Im just going to shower in the dorms. Sure its a long walk back to the castle, and sure its an even longer walk back to the dungeons. I make it back, and no one else is there so I roll a joint and smoke it before my shower. 

I just want to forget that I ever said that to her. 

I don’t even know why I talked to her.

After I shower, the corridors slowly led me towards the library, so I sit myself in a secluded corner and start reading a book. I soon loose myself in the words on the pages. “Was wondering where you’d run off too.” A voice says behind me. Regulus. 

I turn around. “What’d you want” 

He smiles at me while grabbing a chair before sitting on it.

“You gonna tell me what you did”

‘’No” I say. Eyeing him up. 

“You only ever hide like this when you’ve done something you regret.” He says. “You do it every time”

“No” I say. Trying to shut him up.

“Are you sure” he says raising his eyebrows.

“Ok fine, McKinnon was still in the changing rooms this morning when I went it to shower, and she asked me why I hated her”

“Ok and?” He asks.

“And I told her I was jealous of her. I fucking told her I was jealous.”

“Ok and what did she say”

“Nothing. I didn’t let her. I just walked out after that.”

He scoffs and says “sucks to be you I guess.”

He understands me. Reg is also a pureblood. Second born. But he’s needed. His older brother, the heir, chose to be Gryffindor so he was disowned, so now Regulus is next in line.

“Hey!” I shout in a hushed whisper. “Your supposed to be helping me.

*

October 1st 

Im by myself, sitting on the edge of the lake, skipping a few rocks every now and then. I have a joint in my hand. And my wand in the other. I light it and take a puff and stare at the sun starting to set.

Im all alone. Until I’m not. I hear footsteps coming towards me and I turn around to see whoo it is.

Marlene Mckinnon.

“So.” She says sitting down next to me.

“So” I say in return.

“Why did you run away the other week? She asks.

I offer her a joint “Because I don’t.. Like people knowing things about me. Especially you.” I glare at her.

“Why are you even here?” I ask. “Shouldn’t you be off with your goody goody friends?” 

She looks at me offended “Um excuse me, my friends are not ‘goody goody’” 

“Not?” I say raising my eyebrows. “Less see, we have Evans. The loser whose always in the library. Macdonald, who’s always shagging someone. Potter, he’s just downright annoying. Sirius, well. He’s Sirius. And Peter just follows everyone around.

“Ok, maybe but There’s Remus. He’s pretty cool”

"Thats one.” And anyways I proved you wrong.

I pick up a rock and throw it at the lake.

“Can you go away now. I came here for some peace” I say.

“No”

I fall onto the sand and stare at the sky, and look over art McKinnon so see her looking at me.

“What?” I ask.

“Nothing” she smiles and stares at the sun, falling behind the mountains that surround Hogwarts. 

“The view is gorgeous this time of day, don’t you think” she says

“I suppose but why are you talking to me. We hate each other… Don’t we?” I say, a bit confused.

“Well yea I guess but I don’t know why. You started it, I only hate you because you hate me. And apparently you hate me because your jealous” Marlene says “What are you jealous of?” She finishes.

“Look, I’m only tolerating you because I’m stoned, but that first day, at the station, your mum was there, so was your dad, and they had actually come onto the platform with you and you guys were all smiling like you were a perfect little family. That’s what I wanted then” I start.

“And then you were sorted into Gryffindor, and I’m a pureblood, so I’ve been brought up to hate you guys. Ive been taught, and you always look like your having fun”

“I want that” I finish

“Oh” is all she says

…

“Your so wrong.”

“What?” I sit up again and look at her.

“My life isn’t perfect, and I’m not always happy.” She says as if its obvious.

“The year before I started Hogwarts was when my parents would always get in fights, and dad would leave and come back drunk. He never hit us, but he said some pretty nasty stuff, which led towards me um. Getting an eating disorder in year 2. And that stuff he used to say would replay in my head until I hurt myself and it would go away.”

“Im not the kind of person you would envy. 

“You just don’t show the real me. Because I’m scared no one will like me for me.” She finishes.

“Oh,” I say. I suppose I saw only the tiniest bit of her life and got angry, when I was completely wrong. “Im sorry, I guess.” I say.

“Uh, hey when you said that my parents had actually come onto the platform with me, what did you mean?” She asks, looking genuinely curious.

“Um, well. So, my dad didn’t even come to the station, my mum wasn’t going to come either, she was going to make our house elf take me, but things changed so I side along apparated with her to Kings Cross, and she left me outside, without a goodbye, without a good luck. So I had to find my own way onto the platform, and the first thing I saw was you. And it made me mad.”

“Oh, i’m sorry too.” She says slowly, she looks like she means it but I still don’t trust her. I really don’t even know why I’m talking to this Gryffindor. But I don’t leave.

“You don’t have too answer this but, do you still have um, an eating disorder?” I ask curiously.

“Yea. It comes and goes in waves. Ive never actually told anyone except my mum about it, she’s really supportive and doesn’t force me to eat.” She pauses, ‘don’t tell anyone though, or i’ll kill you.”

“With my bare hands” She decides to add.

I let out a little laugh and just nod.

The sun is no longer in the sky, being replaced by billions of shining stars, and the moon, although it isn’t full, it still shines the same way. 

No matter how bad or dark life gets, the sun will always shine, and where there’s sun, the moon will also shine.

I like to remember that.

“Don’t forget I still hate you.” I say, ending the silence.

“What why?” She says she overreacts an offended face.

“Because your a dirty little Gryffindor” I say obviously. “Well I still hate you too then” she spits back, and leaves. Petty.

I can hear her footsteps walking back towards the castle, and decide I should probably go too, but one more joint first. 

The moon is high in the sky, before I finally make myself stand up, brush myself off and walk back to the dungeons. Thankfully I’m not caught.

“Where’ve you been” Evan says the moment I walk into the common room. “Vince said you weren’t in the dorm, so we decided to wait for you”

“So are you gonna tell us where you were” Barty continues “ or did we just wait 4 hours for absolutely no reason. 

And Regulus just raises his eyes in question. 

“I was smoking by the lake” I say blandly. “Nothing special. So yes you probably did waste your time” I say and walk off. 

I can’t deal with them right now. They’re going to keep asking questions until I spill.

Im also going to kill Vince for telling them I wasn’t in the dorm.

Fucks sake.

I lay down on my bed and crash.

*

October 2

The curtains around my bed are still wide open, the fake windows pooling the morning sun right into my eyes. 

Im still a bit drowsy from the night before. I don’t want to think about how much I said. Ive never told anyone that much before, especially not in one sitting. 

So. I refuse to get out of bed and go to class. I need at least one day to recover. If I ever do. Emmeline isn’t here so I assume she’s already left, so I close my curtains and go back to sleep.

I wake up to the aggressive banging against my door. “DORCAS FUCKING MEADOWS! GET YOUR ASS OUT HERE NOW!” I can here Barty yelling behind the door. “FUCK OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE” I shout back.

“YOU LEFT ME ALL ALONE IN HERBOLOGY” Regulus joins in.

“I DONT GIVE A SHIT. NOW GO AWAY”

And then I hear the door slam against the wall, and my curtains being ripped open. I slip under my blankets to hide from the sun shining through the fake windows in my dorm. 

“Damn girl, what did you do. You never act like this.” Evan says. “I will not be telling a single living soul, unless your prepared to die right after.” I say, they’ve disturbed my slumber, and I’m never going to recover. 

So before anyone could say anything else, I jump out of bed and run to our lavatory. In the mirror I see a girl. She looks like me, but I just can’t recognise myself. I can’t live with myself.  After a while I hear them all leave, so I walk back out to get changed and grab a few joints. 

I always have enough joints to never run out. I notice I’m low, I go and buy some more. But not today, I’m not coming back to Hogwarts until its dark. 

The tall trees by the lake wait for me patiently as I walk towards them. 

The sun is high in the sky when I settle peacefully by the lake. Taking out my wand from my pocket to light a joint. My hands move the joint to my mouth and I breath in the smoke. 

I can see the giant squid in the water. I can see kids flying in the air on their brooms. I can see me reflection in the water.

My reflection who I don’t recognise. I know its me. But its different. Maybe I’ve changed, maybe I’ve finally lost it. Who knows. So I take another puff. And another, until it all falls away and I have nothing to left worry about. Im just here, with myself.

I skip a few rocks and hum to the sound of the waves smashing against the rocks. The crashing of the waves calms my high, leaving me at peace with myself.

This feeling never stays for long. I smoke, and I’m fine. Im sober and I’m not.

Im fed up with life at this point. What’s the point if I’m going to be smoking every day. If I hate myself every time I see myself. If my parents hate me. So I sit on the small stones and glide my hands through them. They’re cool, and smooth, warn down by the rough waves over time. 

Like me. Worn down over time.

I lay down and look at the sky, the sun so bright. The clouds to light. The lake glittered and sparkles in the light of the sun. 

There’s footsteps coming towards me. I sit up, waking up from my short slumber. I fell asleep and now its evening. I turn around to see who’s coming.

Regulus.

“Hey” He says. “Sorry to disturb you. But Evan and Barty won’t shut up” 

“I could never imagine” I say with an exaggerated posh accent. 

“So, you gonna tell me what you did.” Reg starts. “No”

“Why not” 

“Because”

“Was it a Gryffindor”

…

“I fell in love with one.”  He begins “Even worse it was a boy”

“For years I refused to believe I liked him”

“I would hide away like you” 

“So?”

“Who was it?” I ask

I see him blush and he looks away. 

“Potter”

I sit there, eyes wide, staring at him. After sitting in silence for a while he finally turns around and looks me in the eye.

“Potter?’’ I ask

“James Potter” He confirms. “James Fleamont Potter,”

“Oh” I say. 

“How long ago” I ask genuinely curious now. Perfect Regulus falls for a Gryffindor. And not only a Gryffindor, James fucking Potter.

“Last year, although he first liked me when I first came to this school but he didn’t want to believe it, so he only ever did something last year.”

“And when did you start liking him?” I ask.

“Two years ago, in second year, we were both at the top of the astronomy tower and we got talking.” I hated him. I hated him for taking Sirius from me. 

“Then we kept meeting. At the top of the astronomy tower. And it led somewhere…”

“Oh” I say. Completely shocked. I would have never thought he’d go for Potter.

“So what are you saying? That Its ok to like a Gryffindor? Its ok to talk to them??”

“I mean really, does Evan or Barty know?”

“No. And its going to stay that way.”

I pull out a joint to allow myself time to think. I take a few hits and offer it to Reg. 

Closing my eyes I turn my head towards the ground and let it rest in my hands.

“I don’t like her” I say finally, as he passes me the joint.

“So its a her?” He says as if he doesn’t already know.

“I don’t like her” I say again.

“Ok, ok but what happened if you don’t like her?” He asks trying to get another answer out of me.

“Do you remember that that, weeks ago, we were all mucking around and nicking each other off our brooms when the Gryffindors showed up?”

“Yea?” Reg says.

“She was still in the change rooms when I went in, and she asked me why I hated her.”

“Yeah?” He asks, genuinely curious.

“A Lew weeks after that, she like came up to me when I was smoking and we started talking. Like actually talking. And I told her how shit life was and she told me about hers.”

“So what your saying is you opened up to someone you hate, well you think you hate. Right?”

I eye him up trying to guess what he’s going to say next. “Yes” I say taking another puff on the joint then handing it to Reg.

“And now you hate yourself because of it?”

“Yes” I say regretting ever telling Regulus about this whole thing. But in reality he’s the most level headed person I can trust.. actually there’s also pandora but no doubt she already knows.

“Can we go back to the fact that you, perfect Slytherin pureblood, death eater Regulus Black, likes Perfect Gryffindor sunshine James Potter.” I say changing the subject.

“No” regulus simply just shakes his head and looks at the lake. “The scenery here really is beautiful, don’t you think,”

“Ok now your the one changing the subject.” I say offering him the joint, which he takes.

“It’s ok to not be ok Dora” he says looking at me again.

“Don’t call me that” I say in return. “And yea I know, but what the fuck am I supposed to do? The person I hate, now knows like my deepest darkest .” 

“And I’m not… you know.. gay” I say.

“It’s not a bad thing Dorcas. Girls can like girls and guys can like guys. It’s the way of the world,” he begins. “People love other people. That’s how we are. We have no control over who, how or why we love, we just do.”

“I don’t like her. And I definitely do not love her.” I say now glaring at him.

“Never said you did I’m just saying that it’s ok if you did feel that way. Because no one really said that to me so.. yea.” He finishes before handing the joint back to me, standing up and walking away.

I don’t like her.

I don’t.