Chapter 3
I wake up in the middle of the night surrounded by my curtains which I suppose Mary or Lily had closed for me. Im incredibly thirsty so I get up out of my bed and sneak into the bathroom where there’s a few glasses I put in there a few years ago for this exact reason.
After downing my glass of water I sit down on the cold floor leaning on the door and close my eyes. I wonder why I can never sleep through the night. I usually have to drug myself with vials of dreamless sleep which I make in secret in the second floor bathroom that no one uses because of Moaning Myrtle.
Yes, she can be annoying, but she’s actually quite nice once you get past all the moping and moaning. She was just a girl who had died too early.
Ive got no dreamless sleep left so after hopping back in my bed I grab my notebook and quill and start writing.
Dear Diary, September 3nd 1974, 1:46am
Im back at home but again, I can’t sleep. This morning when I woke up I wanted to feel better again, I wanted to be normal. So I went down the stairs, confident in myself that I was going to eat all of my breakfast.
The confidence left as my bowl was handed to me and I picked up my spoon. Im always hopeful that I can bring myself to eat again. But my hope never lasts very long. It stays until I face reality and realise my hope isn’t really hope. Its just a dream.
A dream.
A fantasy.
My confidence is never real, its fake.
Fake
Fake
Fake
So, one day I hope that its not. I hope that one day ill like myself, love myself, and its not pretend. Because I feel like a fraud. Everyone sees me and thinks that im so confident with myself, but really im just a scared little girl. Who pretends. Who’s fake. Once they find out who I really am, they’re not going to love me. They’re not going to like me. They’re going to see me the way I see myself.
A lair.
Tears fall down my cheeks as I write. Because no matter how hard I try ill never be good enough for myself. For my dad. For anyone because all I do is lie, fake and pretend.
And when people find out. They’ll hate me. Like I hate myself.
It takes me another two hours of continuous sobbing to finally put an end to it and I fetch my bag of weed, papers and filters from my drawers and start rolling a few joints.
I roll 3 and then I can’t be bothered anymore. So I take one, hop out of bed, snatch a muggle lighter from my bedside table and head over to the window by my bed.
I sit down on the window sill and open it, letting the fresh summer breeze wash over me, summers almost over. I don’t really care, but it means I can’t hide in my room and pretend I don’t have any problems.
When its not summer I have to pretend to be put together. I have to be ok. Just before the thoughts get worse I light the joint and take a long puff.
I know smoking is technically bad for me, but who cares, I’m here for a good time not a long time. Plus it lets me escape my problems without actually solving them.
I allow myself to sit there for a while before the weed starts to take effect and dim the thoughts in my head until they finally disappear. I finish soaking the joint and stay sitting by the window, until I start to feel sleepy and decide to go to bed.
Ive got quidditch first thing tomorrow morning. I really don’t understand why James needs us to be out there at the crack of dawn, on the first fucking day of school. Im really gonna kill him one day.
*
The next thing I know i’m being shaken awake by Mary because even though I take hours to fall asleep. Its a real struggle to get me to wake up in the mornings.
I slap her, she should probably be used to it by now. And really, in my defence she should have let me sleep. “Get up” she says and I just scowl and close my curtains.
“Me and Lily are heading down for breakfast. Do you want us to wait for you?” She says impatiently on the other side of my bed.
“No”
I hear the door close behind them, I lie back down and close my eyes. Only for a minute before getting up.
“Its only the second day of school” I grumble getting changed rather more aggressively that necessary. But who cares.
I snatch my broom and a wash bag, and head down into the common room to meet with James and Sirius who are sitting on the couch waiting for me.
“What takes you girls so long to get your shit together in the morning.” James says impatiently already halfway out try portrait hole. Me and Sirius tailing him.
“I don’t like mornings” I say. “You guys both know that. Fuck I’m pretty sure the whole fucking school knows it.”
We trudge our way to the quidditch field where we meet the rest of the team. Ashley Bennett our seeker, Fabian and Gideon Prewett our beaters, Eleanore Wood our keeper, and me, James, and Sirius are the chasers.
Practise goes good. James is always unnecessarily bossy. The morning summer sun, rises high in the air before we come down onto solid ground for a break.
“Alright,” James says, “if we want to beat Slytherin in the upcoming match we’re going to have to up our game.
“And how my I ask, do you expect us to do that??” Ash says speaking for all of us.
“We need to be faster. Our reaction time needs to be halved. We need to be quicker on our feet. And let our bodies do the rest of the work.” He says as if it were obvious.
“Right” I say “so what your saying is that you want us to magically get superpowers, and defy the laws of life?”
“If that’s how to want to put it then sure” he says “Whatever floats your boat.”
Now he’s yelling “BREAKS OVER! GET YOUR ASSES BACK ON YOUR BROOMS AND GET YOURSELF IN THE AIR!” No one moves, so he adds, “NOW!” And soon enough we’re all in the air playing a small game.
Attempting to appease Potter by being quick.
He seamed happy enough at the end of practice so I count it as a win. In the locker rooms I take a hot shower after spending so long outside even though its still early morning, and by the time I get out, both of the other girls have left. So I get changed into mo school robes and make my way back up to castle .
I can’t be bothered with breakfast today, and I took a while in the showers so head straight to my first class.
Potions.
With the Slytherins.
It takes a while to get there so pull out a muggle lighter and start playing with it on my way o the dungeons,
“Be fucking careful where you flick that fucking fire”
I hear a familiar voice beside me, I look over, and there she is
Dorcas Meadows
“Not gonna be careful if its you I accidentally set on fire” I say in response. She just rolls her eyes at me knowing there’s no use fighting with me because I always win.
As it turns out, Dorky also has potions. And I just so happen to be sitting next to her for the first potion assignment of the year.
I get up out of my seat attempting to go sit next to Lily and Remus, until Slughorn tells me to get back in my seat before he starts deducting points from Gryffindor, which Meadows sniggers at.
I deepen my glare and sit back down, rolling my eyes I mumble under my breath, “Fucking kill myself.” Only loud enough for me to hear.
“Welcome fourth years!” Professor Slughorn starts “Im sure most of you have already read todays task as its written on the board behind me. Today, were brewing Scantillation Solution, a potion to make things shine.
Now today you will be pared with the person next to you. Todays potion is quite simple, so the instructions are on the board. Now get to work!” He finishes with a smile.
If its possible my scowl grows deeper as I look at dorcas only to find her looking at me already, “What are you looking at” I snap.
She looks at me like I was insane, shakes her head and looks back at the board. I look over too.
Not only was this torture because I was paired with Meadows, I also fucking hate potions. Today is such a good day.
I stand up and Meadows follows suit.
“First we have to find Billywig Stings” I say, reading the board “Go get them, I’ll fill a cauldron with water” I say say I say threateningly, she scoffs but does as I said.
She came back with only one. “Oh for merlins sake, it says ‘Two’ Billywig Stings, not one” I yelled at her in a hushed whisper.
To which she slams the sting on the table and walks back to the supply cupboard. She comes back with the second and says, “Jesus you didn’t have to be such a bitch about it. Now you go the the Firefly essence. Got it?”
I push past her without saying a word. Trying to make this class as short as possible.
I hate her. How smug she is. How she always looks perfect, even though I would never admit that out loud to any human soul. She does things so effortlessly, while I struggle.
And she knows it. She’s a show off at quidditch and everywhere else too. I hate it. I wish I could be as confident as her.
The ingredients cupboard is filled with other students trying to push their way to the supplies they need.
I come back to the cauldron with the firefly essence to see her crushing the dried Stings into powder.
I drop 3 drops of the essence of firefly, and she follows by adding the powdered stings, and topped it off with salt.
We allowed it to boil, silently both sitting on opposite sides of the bench glaring at each other, watching the potion, waiting, stirring it occasionally, and finally when its almost ready, we head to the front of the class to grab an old teapot, a necklace and a key.
Back at the bench, we put out the fire under the cauldron and dip the goods in. Take them out, and look at that, now they’re so shiny, they’re almost glowing.
“Ah very well girls!” Professor Slughorn exclaims “5 points each to Slytherin and Gryffindor!”
“Thanks sir” I say very unimpressed, and then with one last dirty look at her, I strut out of the classroom.
I walk all the way up to the Gryffindor tower, roll a few joints and walk back down to the greenhouses, where there’s always people smoking behind them.
I don’t really know the names of anyone down here at the moment but frankly, I don’t care either. So I lean against the castle wall and allow myself to drop to the grass, pull out a joint and light it with my wand.
“Hey” a guy next to me tries to start a conversation, “No” is all I say in return before taking another puff and closing my eyes.
Its not even 11 yet I think looking at my watch, fuck this day is going to be shit. Thankfully everyone left me alone after that. I sat in that very place for a while, until I was completely alone, and everyone else had fucked off to class or something. I should too but I can’t be bothered, and its care of magical creatures and Professor Kilt never does roll call so I stay where I am.
I pull out another joint from my pocket, light it, and take a long puff. I like weed because I’m at ease with myself, and there isn’t that little person in my brain telling me to do things. Its quiet. And I can finally be alone.
These days I’m never alone. Not really. This funny guy in my mind who really isn’t that funny, always tells me i’m not good enough.
Im not normal. I don’t like the way I look. I don’t like the way I act. I don’t like the way I think.
But when I’m stoned, the funny guy in my brain fucks off to who knows where. And then comes back later. It always comes back. It never stays away for long.
But right now, its gone. And my head is quiet.
I let that sink in. And then I allow myself to absorb the peace and quiet.
The peace and quiet that’s ruined a while later, because I decide I best head to my next class or i’ll be in detention on the first day of school.
Its defence against the dark arts so its not that bad. And I’m still stoned so I get through it. We’re learning how to cast a patronus. Its pretty hard when you don’t have very many happy memories.
I think of the day me Lily and Mary had all met. How we instantly clicked and became best friends. A trio.
No one knows it. But that’s still me favourite day. Even now, four years later.
That day I actually lived. Every other day is just a day.
Lily casts a patronus first, its a doe. And of course James Potter is next, a stag. And Where James goes, Sirius goes too, his is a shaggy dog.
They earn 5 points each for Gryffindor. A few Hufflepuff kids successfully cast one too. I don’t. I can’t.
Im not happy enough.
Im not good enough.
I try, and I try, but I never make it. And when class if finally over, and its time for lunch, me and Mary head to the great hall, we’ve lost Lily somewhere, but she’ll meet us there no doubt.
We make our way to our usual spot at the table, the foods already there. Lily’s not.
“Where’d she even go,” Mary asks sitting down. “Girl I’ve been with you the entire time. I don’t know either” I say raising my eyebrows at her stupid question.
We have some sort of pasta for lunch. I don’t want to eat.
But I also don’t want anyone thinking that somethings wrong. So I do. I pile a very small amount onto my plate and pick at it with my fork.
“Ugh, sorry guys Professor Mcgonagall wanted to talk to me” Lily says sitting down next to me. “Knew you would turn up eventually,” I say with a small smile.
The pasta in front of me is screaming at me, but no one else seems to hear it. Telling me I’m never going to be good enough. Telling me Im never going to look the way I want to no matter how many lies I hide behind. “What memory did you chose to cast your patrons Lily?” Mary asks before shovelling a forkful of pasta in her mouth.
“That day two years ago, when you guys threw a party for me on my twelfth birthday, after I told you not to. When you showed me the cake you guys had gone through the effort to find a way into the kitchens, bake a cake, and decorate it in my favourite colour.” She says, now smiling.
“Really?” I ask, to which Mary says, “Yeah that was really fun. Even though Marls has absolutely no idea how to decorate a cake nicely.”
I fake a shocked look, gasp dramatically and say, “oh my, how could you disgrace me like that?” In a posh accent. Which sends us all into a fit of laughter.
When I laugh with them, everything feels okay for a moment. For a moment life feels like it’s actually worth living.
“Hey Evans!” None other than James Potter strides over to where the three girls are sitting and proceeds to sit right next to Lily, “What now?’’ She says annoyed and very unenthusiastic. James just smiles innocently and says “Wannna go out with me?”
“No.”
“It was no the last time, and the time before. And it will still be no five years from now. Okay Potter!?”
Mary and I glance at each other and suppress a giggle.
Potter turns a concerning shade of red, stands up and walks away, just in time before Mary and I burst out in laughter. “Stop laughing,” Lily says unimpressed. Which makes us laugh even harder. “Ugh you guys are insufferable” she says and shoves her fork in her mouth and chomp on the pasta a lot more aggressively that needed.
Thank Merlin for Potter, so Mary and Lily didn’t notice me not eating anything.
Lily, Remus and I all walked to Ancient Runes together, but Mary had divination so she had gone with Peter, Sirius and James. “You’d really think that stupid Potter would have realised by now, that I DO NOT LIKE him. Marls he really is insufferable.” She says to me, infuriated, then turning to Remus and says, “How do you put up with him?” Lily asks.
“Well to be completely honest when I first met him, I thought he talked to much, so I kind of ignored him. But now I’ve learned to just tune him out” he says.
“He never shuts up about you by the way” he adds.
“I know!! How can I tell him to back off? He never listens.”
“He’s James, Lils, he’s never gonna stop.” I add with a smirk on my face. Remus smirks too, and nods at Lily as we walk into the classroom and sit together at a table with a few Ravenclaws.
*
12:06am February 3rd
Mary and Lily are well asleep but I’m still here, laying in my bed alone with my thoughts. Im restless, so I hop out of bed and tip toe through the room, and slip outside into the stairway.
I make it to the common room without getting caught, there’s a few kids, asleep over open books.
“Losers. Fuck studying.” I whisper walking past.
I sneak through the doorway without a peep. Down a few flights of stairs, and after a few corridors I find myself at the one eyed which.
A passageway I found in my first year on accident. “Dissendium” I say, and the hump opens revealing an opening. I slide down, the hump closing behind me.
“Lumos” Its pitch black down here. Its old and damp. No one knows about it, it slightly smells of weed and tobacco because I sometimes hide here for a smoke.
No one ever catches me. I walk all the way to the end of the passage and climb up through the hole in the floor in the Honeydukes cellar.
The streets are always so quiet late at night in Hogsmeade.
I pull out a fag and light it with my wand as I walk down the street to The Hogs Head. Its done by the time I reach the old pub, so I throw the butt on the ground, “Alohamora” I say pointing my wand at the door. It opens for me and I sneak inside long enough to grab few bottles of firewhiskey and leave without a trace.
I put them in my bag, and stroll back to Honeydukes admiring the remanence of summer nights. Soon it’ll be Autumn.
After sliding back into the old mucky tunnel, I allow myself to wander for a while before deciding to sit down on the broken cobblestone path, and take a shot of the firewhiskey.
My watch reads 12:47, have I really been gone that long? I ask myself silently.
It doest take long for me to down half the bottle. Get up and stumble down the rest of the passageway. I fall. A lot. The ground is cold, and damp.
I make it back to the common room, thankfully I didn’t see anyone on the way. Lily and Mary are both still asleep when I step into the dorm.
Im still absolutely fucked to I hop in the shower, and let the hot water run through my long blonde hair. Not even my hair is real. I charm it to be blonde. Im fake.
My skin starts to turn red under the heat of the water, and I stand there for a while, with my eyes closed, leaning against the wall.
After getting out of the shower I drop to the floor and sit there. Still drunk. I can see myself in the mirror, and I start laughing at myself.It soon turns to crying, and my face is covered in tears so much I can’t see my reflection anymore.
And this is when I decide to cut my hair.
I hate how long it is. I hate it. So I open that bathroom vanity and find a pair of clean scissors and hold them up to my hair. Im still crying so I can’t really see what I’m doing, and I’m drunk too so I won’t remember in the morning. So I cut a chunk of my hair off. And I keep cutting it.