What love can be like
Everyone knows Derek has chosen Addison over her. Everyone is whispering about it and staring at her. Some are pitying her, others are calling her the dirty mistress who stole someone's husband. Either way, Meredith hates it.
But people are not only talking about her; they are also talking about Addison. Meredith doesn't know how she can appear so unbothered by it, how she can ignore all the whispers and still walk like she owns the place. Meredith envies her, envies her confidence.
Meredith lacks Addison's indifference and one day it all becomes too much. As the two women are getting out of surgery, a nurse makes a comment. "It's them, right there. That's the dirty mistress and the adulterous wife. I don't know which one is more pitiful." The nurse had said loudly, not even trying to hide the gossiping. The audacity, Meredith thinks. She's been up for 36 hours, and she has no self-control left. She's about to go give the nurse a piece of her mind when Addison grabs her wrist and stops her.
"It's not worth it." She says. She speaks so close to Meredith's ear that it makes her shiver. It also makes her still completely, the need to yell at the nurse having magically vanished.
Meredith takes a deep breath and gives the woman a nod, indicating that she'll let it go.
"Good girl." Addison whispers, her voice a low teasing tone. Jesus.
It is now the second time Addison has called Meredith a 'good girl' and she is absolutely not used to it. She hates how proud of herself it makes her feel. It makes her heart beat faster and her cheeks flush... She hates it. She hates how she wants to do everything she can to hear it again.
She hates it.
(She loves it).
Addison simply walks away like she hasn't turned Meredith's world upside down.
"Are you coming Dr. Grey? I believe we have a patient to see." The neonatal surgeon says in that same maddening teasing tone. She doesn't even look back; she just assumes Meredith is going to follow and it drives her crazy.
She obediently follows her to the patient room anyway.
As Dr. Shepherd examines the patient; a man who appears to be pregnant, Meredith has time to look at her, really look at her. She is not wearing her usual salmon scrubs; she's dressed in what are clearly designer clothes. She looks devastating, Meredith realizes.
Everyone in the room is focused on the allegedly pregnant man but Meredith can only focus on her. The blond watches as Addison starts her examination, ignoring every single person in the room and focusing on the patient only. People are taking pictures, the flash is hitting her face, and she does not flinch, she is imperturbable. Again, Meredith is impressed.
Dr. Shepherd confirms the patient is not pregnant before turning to Meredith. Her lips are moving but somehow, Meredith is not hearing any of the words coming out of her mouth because the sun is shining right at the back of Addison's head and it's making her look angelic and... it is making Meredith seriously question her sanity. Because, what?
"Dr. Grey?" Addison questions slowly, looking at her oddly.
"I'm sorry, what was that?" Meredith asks, her voice sounding way more professional than she feels. Meredith realizes Addison is closer than she was a few seconds ago. Her hair is straight, and it looks good. Jesus.
"This man is not pregnant. You have the CT and the shotgun workup with the tumor markers, what is your diagnosis?" Addison asks, her teacher voice echoing in the room.
Bless her for ignoring Meredith's odd behavior.
"Mesenteric teratoma. Large bilobed cystic lesion with a solid calcified structure and a deformed mandible. Labs show elevated HCG levels which explains the false positive pregnancy test."
"Excellent." Addison says, her voice tinted with pride, making Meredith almost glow.
To walk out of the room, Addison gets even closer and stops right in front of Meredith. "Very good job, Dr. Grey." She whispers in a teasing but proud voice and it is almost as bad as being called a 'good girl'. Fuck.
Then it gets worse because Addison's front brushes over Meredith's back as she navigates to get out of the room. She puts a hand on Meredith's shoulder to balance herself and almost breathes down her neck. And Jesus, Meredith cannot be imagining this, right?
This has to be deliberate. She must have noticed Meredith's odd behavior and has now decided to mess with her. Yes, that must be it.
Either that or something is wrong with Meredith's brain. Maybe obsessing over Addison is a defense mechanism to deal with the aftermath of Derek breaking her heart. Usually, her defense mechanism is humor but maybe the situation warranted something stronger.
God, is she thinking like a shrink? Something was most definitely wrong with her. And it was making her feel on edge. She doesn't know how to deal with her emotions, and she needs to direct her inner turmoil somewhere. She just doesn’t know where.
So, later, she yells at all the people looking at the patient like he's a caged animal in a zoo. "Look at Meredith, isn't she sad, pathetic and heartbroken? Maybe she's gone mental. Maybe I have! But leave Mr. Herman alone!" She screams to get them out of the room, hoping to give the patient the privacy he deserves.
When Meredith thinks about Addison, she can't help but wonder if she has indeed gone mental.
Screaming at everyone in the room did not make her feel better. In fact, she feels worse; angrier, and more unsettled.
So, when she sees Derek looking at her from across the hall with concerned eyes, she can't bear it. "And what are you looking at?" She asks aggressively, looking straight at him. Derek looks at her with what seems to be pity, and she wants to punch him.
If it were anyone else, she would feel bad for snapping. But it is Derek. And Meredith can't help but think he deserves it. So, she walks away without looking back, angrier than she was moments ago and with no idea of what to do about it.
**
As Meredith is covering a spot on her forehead with a Hello Kitty band-aid (not her proudest moment), she notices Addison looking at her. Great. Addison looks absolutely perfect, and Meredith is putting a Hello Kitty band-aid on her face... She has half a mind to be embarrassed until Addison waves at her.
It makes Meredith freeze, a hand still on her forehead. What? Meredith knows they've been cordial with each other (which she is totally happy about by the way), so maybe the greeting gesture shouldn't be such a surprise. But until now, all their interactions had been within the comforting walls of the hospital and right now, they are in the parking lot. For some reason, it feels different. Meredith isn't sure why, but it does.
Thankfully, her brain still works and before the situation can get awkward, she waves back with a smile on her face. At that, Addison beams and Meredith stops breathing.
After that, if Meredith's steps are a bit lighter as she enters the hospital and gets into the elevator, there is no particular reason why. None at all.
**
Her patient only has a few months left to live. Meredith hates it. The old lady has plans with her husband; they want to go to Venice. They are adorable and Meredith can see the love they have for each other in everything they do, it shines so bright that it is almost blinding. Meredith hates they can't spend the rest of their lives together; hates she has to tell them that.
Quickly, Meredith finds out each of them wants to keep the other in the dark and she wants to cry. This old couple is so sweet that it hurts. They love each other so much that Meredith feels a bit jealous of having never experienced such an unconditional love.
As luck would have it, she gets into the elevator in a gloomy mood and finds Derek there. Right now, he reminds her of all her failed relationships, and she wonders — not for the first time — if something is wrong with her.
Meredith gives a polite nod and does her best to ignore Derek's inquisitive eyes. She doesn't want to speak to him because there is nothing to say, nothing he can do to make it better. And the fact he is still trying is not fair to Addison. The redhead doesn't deserve this, Meredith is sure of it.
So, she pretends she doesn't notice he's desperately trying to talk to her and looks ahead.
Then, the elevator opens, and Addison is waiting outside. When she notices Derek and Meredith are alone in the elevator, she raises an amused eyebrow, and Meredith cannot figure out why. She is almost mesmerized by the act, nonetheless.
"Hello, Dr. Grey." Addison says, her voice soft and velvety. There is no animosity, nothing but gentle politeness. Meredith is sure she doesn't deserve it.
"Dr. Shepherd." Meredith forces herself to answer in an equally soft voice.
Meredith is standing behind Addison, the light is reflecting on her red hair, and it looks absolutely gorgeous and seems so so soft. Meredith wants to run her hand through it.
She doesn't, of course. She still has some self-control and dignity left, thank you very much.
Derek exits the elevator, and Meredith is so entranced with Addison's hair that she almost doesn't notice.
Then, Addison looks over her shoulder to give Meredith a smile. And, of course, she meets Meredith's eyes because Meredith is staring. Fuck, get yourself together Grey.
"Meredith, are you okay?" Addison asks, seemingly concerned at Meredith's weird behavior. And she used Meredith's name. God, she is so screwed.
Clearly, Meredith can't tell her what's going on in her head right now. But she wants to share something. Because Addison is asking her if she's okay, she can clearly tell something is bothering her and Meredith doesn't want to push her away when the neonatal surgeon is being so nice.
So, instead, she decides to tell her about the old couple. She tells her how in love they are and how beautiful it is. How they've been together all their lives, and still, it looks like they are in the honeymoon phase.
Meredith is rambling, she knows it. When she checks to see if it's bothering Addison, Meredith notices a forlorn look in her eyes, almost resigned. It looks painful and Meredith hates it, she wants to make it go away. She wonders why Addison is looking so sad but then she realizes she's been going on and on about a couple completely in love when Addison is stuck trying to fix her marriage. And even if it's none of her business, Meredith can tell Derek doesn't want anything to do with it. So, of course, Addison looks fucking sad. Good job, Meredith.
Meredith is desperately trying to change the subject when Addison interrupts her. "Will you take me to them?" She asks softly and Meredith is confused.
"To… the old couple?" Meredith asks slowly.
Addison simply nods. Meredith isn't sure why the woman wants to go there but she isn't about to tell her no.
So, they get out of the elevator and Meredith gently grabs Addison's elbow to direct her to the patient's room. The blond doesn't think she's touched Addison so casually before — if at all — but it earns her a radiant smile from the redhead, and she wants to do it again.
They walk to the patient's room in comfortable silence. Said patient has to stay another day for observation and her husband is right there next to her, making her laugh brightly like they are at home and not stuck in a hospital. They are both pretending that everything is okay, and it breaks and mends Meredith's heart at the same time.
"Her husband asked me not to tell her that she had so little time left to live. And she asked me not to tell her husband. They want to go to Venice. They love each other so much. Isn't it beautiful?" Meredith asks, feeling envious. She wasn't usually one to feel so sentimental but seeing a love so strong after so many years definitely made her long for something similar.
"Yeah, it is." Addison answers in a whisper. The tone of her voice makes Meredith tear her eyes away from the adorable couple to direct them at the gorgeous redhead.
Addison looks pensive, intensively so. It's… impressive, entrancing even. Addison keeps staring ahead and Meredith can see the woman's jaw clench. And how had Meredith not noticed how perfect Addison's jaw is until now? Now that she's noticed, she can't seem to see anything else. Because, Jesus… her jaw is so sharp. It makes her look so naturally elegant, so strong and graceful at the same time. God. It feels like her jaw is catching the light just right, making it alluring in its precision. It makes her look commanding yet irresistibly soft… it is killing Meredith.
It has caught Meredith's eye and now, she is unable to look away. Not like she was able to look away from Addison before, but still.
Thankfully, Addison seems too far lost in thought to notice Meredith's staring because that would have been embarrassing. Once again, Meredith wondered what was wrong with her because… this wasn't her, Meredith didn't obsess over a woman's every feature… Yet, here she was, doing just that with no other than the wife of her ex-boyfriend. Maybe Meredith's chaotic life was her fault after all… she did seem to be making questionable choices.
As she was berating herself, Meredith had not stopped staring at Addison. And after a few seconds, she noticed something shift in the woman's gaze. The redhead went from pensive to… determined? Yes, that was it, it was determination. The powerful kind. The kind of determination not a lot of people could channel. Of course, Addison could, Meredith knew. She had seen it before right before the neonatal surgeon stepped foot in the OR to perform an almost impossible surgery and save a mother and her babies.
But this time, the unshakable force that was Addison's determination was not aimed at a surgery. It felt like the woman had made a decision, the life-changing kind. It made Meredith curious as to what was happening in the woman's mind right now.
Then, Addison's jaw unclenched, and she turned to look at Meredith with a small (but gorgeous) smile on her face. Meredith finds herself unable to say anything, she just keeps staring into Addison's eyes because the importance of the decision Meredith assumes she just made is making her eyes sparkle and… wow.
"Thank you, Meredith." Addison says gently like they are sharing a secret.
"Huh? For what?" Meredith asks confused and wonders if she is unable to connect some dots because of Addison's distracting allure.
"For reminding me what love can be like." Addison says, staring at the old couple again. And Jesus, could this woman be any more enigmatic? What has Meredith done?
Don't get her wrong, Meredith is glad that whatever she's done has made Addison's eyes shine but she would really like to know what it was so she can do it again.
Reminding Addison what love can be like… Thinking about it, it makes Meredith sad. Addison shouldn't have to be reminded what love feels like, she should feel it all the time. Meredith decides to blame Derek. Just like that, her anger towards Derek is replenished.
Before Meredith can say something stupid to fill the silence, Addison raises her right hand and gently rests it on Meredith's shoulder, close to the blond’s neck. Her hand is cold against Meredith's warm skin and she knows, she knows that if she were to slightly move her head to the side, she would basically be nuzzling into Addison's hand.
It requires her entire self-control abilities to stop herself from doing just that. But then, self-control has never been Meredith's best quality. She tries, really, she tries (she doesn't) and before she knows it, her cheek is resting over Addison's hand. She closes her eyes briefly not only to enjoy the brief physical contact but also because she's scared of seeing Addison's reaction to what she is doing.
It's been three seconds already and the redhead hasn't pulled her hand away. Meredith doesn't want to make it weird, well weirder, so she pulls her head away and reluctantly looks back at Addison's face.
Addison isn't repulsed or shocked like Meredith expected her to be. Instead, she's blessing Meredith with a sincere smile as her head is titled to the side in what the blond assumes is pleasant surprise? But that can't be, can it?
The smile Addison is giving her is making Meredith feel like she could jump out of the window and fly. Jesus, that woman is gorgeous.
Finally, Addison takes her hand back and she must notice that Meredith is disappointed (damn it) because she smirks. She fucking smirks. Then she simply walks away without another word and Meredith has no other choice but to stare until she can't see her anymore.
Meredith sincerely hopes she doesn't have anything too important to do because, right now, all her brain power is dedicated to thinking about Addison. Addison. Addison. Only Addison.